Not being asked to share at meetings

[CommunityDawn]

I am a chronic relapser. I've been in and out of AA since 2010 and have recently gone back, totally desperate to get sober. I have been to 5 meetings in the last 2 months, which I know is not a lot, but I would like to start doing more if I get a feeling of being accepted back through the doors.

I can understand that a lot of people now look at me and think: "You're not serious. Take the cotton wool out of your ears and put it in your mouth".

I already feel demoralized enough in my inability to stay sober. Going to meetings seems to be making this demoralization even worse at the moment. I feel that I sit in the rooms without a voice, and this feels lonely. The worst thing about getting sober for me, after all, is the loneliness. To be honest, it hurts. I feel invisible in the rooms. I really, really want sobriety - but can't seem to beat this horrible beast inside of me that takes me back for that one last drink.

I just needed to share that with somebody. Thanks for listening.

[logo]

That is the way it is in AA and NA. I have been in and out of the program since 1988. Getting clean the first time was easy compared to trying to come back. I have had 5 yrs. clean and went back out. 3 yrs. clean and went back out and a few 1 yrs. Today I have 7.5 yrs clean and it has not been easy. At meetings people that have never relapsed would make comments to me that would make me feel bad and less than. Come hell or high water I will stay clean no matter what. You need to go to more meetings and become apart of instead of apart from. Try the old 90 meetings in 90 days and see what happens. If you are young and go to AA you might want to try NA. NA has a much younger crowd. NA says don't be confused about alcohol. Alcohol is a drug. Give it a shot what do you have to lose and you might just stay sober. Hope this helps. Good luck on your journey. Logo

[pipparina]

I am sorry to hear you are not being welcomed at your meetings. Chronic relapser or not, you are there for the same reason as everyone else. To get and stay sober.
Do not let your shame keep you away. Find different meetings if possible too. But keep going. At some point it will click. Bring the body and the mind will follow.
I know some long term sober people who tooks years of slipping before they had their moment. The common link was they kept trying. So don't give up

[IndaMiricale]

You have to show your serious. And 5 meetings a week just aint goin cut it.

Like Logo said do 90 in 90, make coffee every month. Be there early and stay late. You will see just how fast that change.

Action, Action, Action. You can do this..

[Hollyanne]

I was the only woman at a local AA mtg.
They didn't know what to do with me!
I was a blubbering mess.
I went to the three mtgs a week there and to lots of others.
You turn up enough, they know you are serious.
I was at that mtg last night, brought another girl with me. Exactly the same crowd. My bestest friends! A couple of them came out and checked my car for oil after the mtg.
As said above, become a part of a group. Go early, stay late, help out.
It will come back to you a thousand fold.
Go to 90 in 90. Go On! Do it!

[CommunityDawn]

Big thanks from the bottom of my heart. Pipparina, I am going to meetings to get sober and that makes me no different from anybody else, I know. Yet sometimes I feel as though I must be the worst alcoholic in the world or something because, in spite of wanting so badly to get sober, I haven't been able to stay stopped.
Unfortunately I can't do 90 meetings in 90 days because I'm a single mother who needs to work. I am trying to do the meetings that I can but am limited to the same daytime ones as I did before. (They're not particularly strong meetings but I accept that that's what's on offer.) Immersing myself in the culture is going to take some work on my part...I admit to have been slinking in late and slinking out early. It might have something to do with why I'm not connecting with anybody.

[CommunityDawn]

Your story is heartwarming, Hollyanne.

[CommunityDawn]

Because of my time constraints, it's also hard enough to make a whole meeting let alone arrive early and stay back for a chat. I guess that I at least have the option to be `at AA' but not `in AA'. It's really just a survival thing.

[pipparina]

Are you getting anything out of the meetings you go to? If so, keep going.
You also have the options, that when it is time to share, explain your situation. You are a single mom and have a tough schedule. Perhaps it will help people get to know you a bit and reach out to help you
If therer are other single moms in the meeting, see if you can get their numbers. Maybe draw on how they managed meetings, motherhood, work, etc.

The program can work for you. If for now, you are honestly doing the best you can, then just keep on keeping on

You also have this site filled with wonderful people to help you. Post on the newcomers thread!

[paintedxpheonix]

Dawn, please don't take this harsh but from what i know of NA meetings they aren't just going to pick you out of a crowd. YOU have to say i'm Dawn and i'm an addict and start sharing. Go up to people at the end of the meeting and introduce yourself. Introduce yourself as a newcomer as well.
Going to NA and AA isn't just about sitting in the rooms, you have to want it to work, and 9-% of that is doing the work.
I hope it starts to work out for you and I am sure once you put yourself out there it will come together.

[CommunityDawn]

Pippirina, I do get something out of meetings. To be honest, I'm just being a bit negative because I keep slipping up... You suggested networking with other single mums. There are some around but they are on disability so don't have to work, and I haven't yet found another single mum in my situation after 2.5 years of meetings, but I guess there's always a chance. I have been posting on the newcomers thread and that helps a lot, because it takes away from that isolated feeling of being in the first few days of sobriety.
Phoenix, i know that recovery is about work. That brings me to another confession: I already feel overwhelmed by all my responsiblities in life. In part, I drink because I resent life being all about one responsiblity after another. There's a part of me that expects that AA can be my relaxation time - and I balk about it becoming yet another responsibility. I'm not sure about how to overcome that one. I'm just struggling so hard to get sober. I wish that I could have some breathing space to just focus on my sobriety without all the other stress, but that's not how my life was meant to be at this point.
I do value and reflect on all this advice.
Trying to get rid of my `yes buts' .

[uncle holmes]

I was a chronic relapser too. In and out of AA meetings for 10 years before I was able to stay sober for one whole year. I now have 20 years of continuous sobriety. I know exactly how demoralizing it can be to be a hopeless, chronic, relapse prone alcoholic.

What got me over the hump onto the track of sobriety was the book, Staying Sober - a guide for relapse prevention. By Terrence T. Gorski and Merlene Miller. I started reading this book 20 yrs ago and was amazed at the information on relapse. It was me to a tee.

My suggestion to you is to read this book. But be careful about talking about relapse or this book at meetings cause many members in AA despise the word "relapse" or any other methods that aren't AA endorsed.

But this book also is not anti-AA. It tells you to go to meetings, work the steps, read the BB. But it also recognizes that some people need a little bit more to get them over that hump if you're going to meetings and still not staying sober.

I'm now somewhat of a BB thumper and working the 12 steps. But this book was the prerequisite for me to finally get that way.

[Justfor1]

Newcomers and chronic relapsers need to share the most. They are the most important folks in the room. Not the one with the folks with the most sobriety.

[tomsteve]

dawn, i think i am seeing a lil bit of the problem. 5 meetings in 2 months for this ex drunk sure wasnt gonna cut it. i had to make the decision i wanted what they had and was willing to go to any lengths to get it.
arriving late and leaving early wanst gonna show anyone i was serious. i had to earn their trust and had to show i was serious. i was about 4 months in when the man who is now my sponsor said,"yer really serious about this,eh?" but i was als goin to at least 4 meetings/week at the time. i was extremely screwed up in my head and wanted the help.
there are online meetings, too, that are like f2f meetings. you can talk to the others and share or just listen. if interested, send me a PM>

I am content to face the rest of my life without alcohol. I have made the great decision once and for all. I have surrendered as gracefully as possible to the inevitable. I hope I have no more reservations. I hope that nothing can happen to me now that would justify my taking a drink. No death of a dear one. No great calamity in any area of my life should justify me in drinking. Even if I were on some desert isle, far from the rest of the world, but not far from God, should I ever feel it right to drink. For me, alcohol is out - period. I will always be safe unless I take that first drink. Am I fully resigned to this fact?

[bi11fish]

The people at the meetings have no idea of who you are, get to the meetings early and stay late. Put your hand out and introduce yourself ask for phone numbers. ASK for HELP.
I had the same feelings when I was a newcomer. I thought how rude you are DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM !!!!!! and actually the answer was no they did not and could not until I deflated my ego and let some people see behind the walls that I had built.

Oh Yeah and 5 meetings in 2 months is not even trying?????

[Zube]

I'd switch groups.

Zube

[Music]

Newcomers are important! I listen to a newcomer so I can be reminded that it really doesn't get any "funner" out there. Having said that, we're all important to each other. I agree that there are some good books to read out there, but the main focus should be on the Big Book and 12 and 12. Those two books contain the meat and potatos of AA.

I guess I was fortunate in that I had a sponsor soon after coming to AA, who took me around and showed me where the meetings were, helped me to be introduced to people(I couldn't have done that on my own)and encouraged me to get to know people. Jerry told me that AAs aren't mind-readers. It's up to me to let people know I'm new and that I need help to get started. When I'm new to AA, I can talk to a newcomer about how it is, but I needed some oldtimers to tell me how it can be and give me hope if I work the program. I asked Jerry how many meetings I had to go to. His answer was twofold. First he asked me, "how often did you drink? Well, by then I drank every day, so the insinuation was that I need a meeting every day at least in the beginning. His second answer was, "you go to meetings until you learn to like them."

I've seen drug addicts come to AA but unless they're dualy addicited, they usualy don't stay long. I've also experienced alcoholics who go to NA and likewise, they don't stay long because they can't relate to doing hard drugs in alleys, shooting up, snorting...etc. So, I guess I'd say do what you think you need to do to not drink. It's important to not drink long enough for sobriety to kick in. Most importantly though, speak up and let people know what you need. Some newcomers present the appearance of having it all together. People only know as much as we allow them to know. Don't sabotage yourself.

[keithj]

Originally Posted by Justfor1

Newcomers and chronic relapsers need to share the most. They are the most important folks in the room.

Absolutely, 100% not true. The whole spiritual principle of anonymity is based on no member having any increased significance over any other member.

When it comes to sharing, can someone who can not seem to stay sober really share about how to stay sober? Can someone who has not taken the Steps really share about taking the steps and recovering from alcoholism? I know that sounds really harsh and some may be offended. Some of the most ineffectual and hopeless meetings in existence are those with the blind leading the blind, where newcomers or people without significant experience in the program of AA and living a sober life, feel the need to share with one another about how they can't stay sober. It's just not very useful to anyone in the room.

AA has an answer for that, with specific, precise directions written in the first 164 pages of the BB. More importantly, AA is populated with people that have a tremendous amount of experience with working and living the program.

[BadCompany]

Originally Posted by CommunityDawn

I admit to have been slinking in late and slinking out early. It might have something to do with why I'm not connecting with anybody.

Show up early and stay late. When the meeting ends just sit down in the chair you were in and let them come to you. They will when they see it time after time. those people will be your friends.

[Music]

Originally Posted by keithj

Absolutely, 100% not true. The whole spiritual principle of anonymity is based on no member having any increased significance over any other member.

I know that sounds really harsh and some may be offended. Some of the most ineffectual and hopeless meetings in existence are those with the blind leading the blind, where newcomers or people without significant experience in the program of AA and living a sober life, feel the need to share with one another about how they can't stay sober. It's just not very useful to anyone in the room.

AA has an answer for that, with specific, precise directions written in the first 164 pages of the BB. More importantly, AA is populated with people that have a tremendous amount of experience with working and living the program.

Thanks Keith. I'm so grateful there were people around when I got sober who wouldn't allow me to live in my crap. They loved me enough to tell me what they saw, and what they heard. Seems like now days, people are so easily offended they don't stop to think what they're hearing is for their own good and given out of concern for them. I understand it's hard to read things here on SR, not being able to see the face that's speaking, but at meetings on a f2f basis, it seems like people are so easily put off these days. That's why in some cases, I choose to cut through the crap and just suggest they go out for a drink in hopes maybe John Barleycorn will enable them to hear better and soften their attutude.