Amends to Wife or Spouse. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Mark75 · 10-21-2012, 02:32 PM

My wife and I had a great day yesterday... We went for a bike ride, something we don't do together very often, spectacular foliage, did some shopping and went out for dinner...

I don't know all the things I said to her during that last year or so of my crash and burn... We talked some last night and she brought up, not angrily, more as a contrast and compare... And well, some of them were rather cringe worthy, and regrettable, some of it I kind of remember, and boy, was it a great opportunity to "keep it green". LOL

And I'm thinking, what can I do, really, I can say I'm sorry and mean it, but, all I can do to make amends, is to stay sober and be a caring and loving husband.

Any experience, strength and hope to offer in this regard?

MycoolFitz · 10-21-2012, 02:34 PM

Good for you mine divorced me I miss her every day.

Mark75 · 10-21-2012, 02:35 PM

I am blessed and incredibly grateful Fitz.

DoubleBarrel · 10-21-2012, 02:38 PM

Congratulations on coming through the other side intact.
I have the same issue.
Apologizing helps, but I think the best amends you can make is living healthy and sober, being respectful, trying to help out and deal with old negative patterns, and acknowledging when you are wrong.
Man I hate that last part, not drinking makes it easier.

stairs · 10-21-2012, 02:43 PM

My ex husband and I are back together now. He is 4 plus years into recovery and the change in him is amazing. He is responsible, compassionate, thoughtful, generous...really makes an effort to be there and participate. And when I have an issue he does not run or manipulate. In fact if he upsets me he wants to talk about it and when wrong admits it and sincerely asks forgiveness on the spot.
I'm not saying it's all serious all the time, or anything like he's some perfect man....but these changes are like a miracle to me. I have known this man for over 30 years. I respect him now for the way he conducts his life, himself.

He has never said "I'm sorry". He has, through his behavior, made up for a lot of pain caused in the past.
I think you're right on the money to keep on keeping on. It's the best amends there is.
To see someone that close to me live a program of recovery and use the principles and work the steps is proof that it does work if we work it. He inspires me to want to do better and work on my own recovery.

MycoolFitz · 10-21-2012, 02:46 PM

You guys are great but breaking my heart

Sueski · 10-21-2012, 03:33 PM

I think the best thing you can do is keep living the way you are. Then maybe tell her the same things you posted, and ask her with an open heart if there is anything you can do. It may just be a matter of time. Some things probably won't ever be the same, but it is what it is. I guarantee she loves you.

sugarbear1 · 10-21-2012, 03:45 PM

Do the dishes, clean the bathroom, dust and vacuum, do some laundry. Help her out more. Each day will provide happiness for both of you!

onlythetruth · 10-21-2012, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarbear1

Do the dishes, clean the bathroom, dust and vacuum, do some laundry. Help her out more. Each day will provide happiness for both of you!

You would not believe how far this goes. And... it's even better if you don't think of it as "helping" her do "her" work, but rather as simply doing your part.

onlythetruth · 10-21-2012, 04:03 PM

My husband likes to say "how can I love you better?" I ask him the same. This goes a lot farther than apologies....in my experience anyway.

pipparina · 10-21-2012, 04:05 PM

I think the amends is done through your actions. Be a good husband to her. Do fun things together. Live your life always doing the next right thing.
You have a grand opportunity to live the amends rather than write it or say it.

Tommyh · 10-21-2012, 04:35 PM

Mark
here is something that works for us
from page 86 of step 11

Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?

I love my wife and I do try to pack good things into her life and try to make her life better.

It is a amazing line of wisdom .I guess when I do that,I am making the best amends I can make

stairs · 10-21-2012, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MycoolFitz

You guys are great but breaking my heart

It wasn't that long ago - maybe 2 years - that I wouldn't even get in the car with him! Never could have seen the turnaround coming.

keithj · 10-21-2012, 05:33 PM

Hi Mark,
I found that acknowledging the harm I had done, saying where I was wrong and what I could have done better, and LISTENING to her tell me about the harms I had caused, went a long way towards starting the process. Yes, it's a lifelong thing, but I found that 'just staying sober' is real cop out, and being a caring, kind, and considerate husband, although a lot better, still fell kinda short.

I did specific harms. Some of those can not be undone, but I can make darn sure to go well out of my way to never hint at repeating those harms. That speaks volumes more thatn anything I can say.

Mark75 · 10-21-2012, 05:59 PM

Yea, Keith, I kinda knew that I should listen and understand what she was telling me, because it is kind of a default mode of mine to, if not changing the subject outright, not to exactly facilitate her words... And that is hard to do, but last night i managed to do better than average, LOL... It makes it even harder because she doesn't like going there herself and she often changes the subject...

We are doing' fine overall, but like sueski said, it does kinda change things. Life together is awesome and we are lifelong partners...

2granddaughters · 10-21-2012, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark75

all I can do to make amends, is to stay sober and be a caring and loving husband.

That's it Mark, that's all my wife ever wanted.

All the best.

Bob R

10-21-2012, 02:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
Mark75 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,818	Amends to Wife or Spouse. My wife and I had a great day yesterday... We went for a bike ride, something we don't do together very often, spectacular foliage, did some shopping and went out for dinner... I don't know all the things I said to her during that last year or so of my crash and burn... We talked some last night and she brought up, not angrily, more as a contrast and compare... And well, some of them were rather cringe worthy, and regrettable, some of it I kind of remember, and boy, was it a great opportunity to "keep it green". LOL And I'm thinking, what can I do, really, I can say I'm sorry and mean it, but, all I can do to make amends, is to stay sober and be a caring and loving husband. Any experience, strength and hope to offer in this regard?

10-21-2012, 02:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
MycoolFitz Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Here, Now Posts: 4,271	Good for you mine divorced me I miss her every day. __________________ What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly ~ Lao Tsu

10-21-2012, 02:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
stairs Peace Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,135 Blog Entries: 72	My ex husband and I are back together now. He is 4 plus years into recovery and the change in him is amazing. He is responsible, compassionate, thoughtful, generous...really makes an effort to be there and participate. And when I have an issue he does not run or manipulate. In fact if he upsets me he wants to talk about it and when wrong admits it and sincerely asks forgiveness on the spot. I'm not saying it's all serious all the time, or anything like he's some perfect man....but these changes are like a miracle to me. I have known this man for over 30 years. I respect him now for the way he conducts his life, himself. He has never said "I'm sorry". He has, through his behavior, made up for a lot of pain caused in the past. I think you're right on the money to keep on keeping on. It's the best amends there is. To see someone that close to me live a program of recovery and use the principles and work the steps is proof that it does work if we work it. He inspires me to want to do better and work on my own recovery. __________________ Clean Date 08~20~12

10-21-2012, 02:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
MycoolFitz Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Here, Now Posts: 4,271	You guys are great but breaking my heart __________________ What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly ~ Lao Tsu

10-21-2012, 03:45 PM	#8 (permalink)
sugarbear1 ~sb Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: MD Posts: 9,754	Do the dishes, clean the bathroom, dust and vacuum, do some laundry. Help her out more. Each day will provide happiness for both of you! __________________ Someday everything will all make sense. For now, laugh at confusion, smile through tears, & remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. All Big Book quotes are from the first edition. Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

10-21-2012, 02:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
Mark75 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,818	I am blessed and incredibly grateful Fitz.

10-21-2012, 02:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
DoubleBarrel Member Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Where there are more bars than grocery stores Posts: 550	Congratulations on coming through the other side intact. I have the same issue. Apologizing helps, but I think the best amends you can make is living healthy and sober, being respectful, trying to help out and deal with old negative patterns, and acknowledging when you are wrong. Man I hate that last part, not drinking makes it easier.

10-21-2012, 03:33 PM	#7 (permalink)
Sueski Member Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: New England Posts: 163	I think the best thing you can do is keep living the way you are. Then maybe tell her the same things you posted, and ask her with an open heart if there is anything you can do. It may just be a matter of time. Some things probably won't ever be the same, but it is what it is. I guarantee she loves you.

10-21-2012, 04:03 PM	#10 (permalink)
onlythetruth Member of SMART Recovery Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 1,706	My husband likes to say "how can I love you better?" I ask him the same. This goes a lot farther than apologies....in my experience anyway. __________________ OTT "Do, or do not. There is no 'try.'" -- Jedi Master Yoda

10-21-2012, 04:05 PM	#11 (permalink)
pipparina Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: NYC Posts: 1,226	I think the amends is done through your actions. Be a good husband to her. Do fun things together. Live your life always doing the next right thing. You have a grand opportunity to live the amends rather than write it or say it. __________________ "The mind is its own place; it can make a hell of heaven or a heaven of hell" Milton

10-21-2012, 04:35 PM	#12 (permalink)
Tommyh Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 18,947	Mark here is something that works for us from page 86 of step 11 Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? I love my wife and I do try to pack good things into her life and try to make her life better. It is a amazing line of wisdom .I guess when I do that,I am making the best amends I can make

10-21-2012, 05:33 PM	#14 (permalink)
keithj Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2,763	Hi Mark, I found that acknowledging the harm I had done, saying where I was wrong and what I could have done better, and LISTENING to her tell me about the harms I had caused, went a long way towards starting the process. Yes, it's a lifelong thing, but I found that 'just staying sober' is real cop out, and being a caring, kind, and considerate husband, although a lot better, still fell kinda short. I did specific harms. Some of those can not be undone, but I can make darn sure to go well out of my way to never hint at repeating those harms. That speaks volumes more thatn anything I can say.

10-21-2012, 05:59 PM	#15 (permalink)
Mark75 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,818	Yea, Keith, I kinda knew that I should listen and understand what she was telling me, because it is kind of a default mode of mine to, if not changing the subject outright, not to exactly facilitate her words... And that is hard to do, but last night i managed to do better than average, LOL... It makes it even harder because she doesn't like going there herself and she often changes the subject... We are doing' fine overall, but like sueski said, it does kinda change things. Life together is awesome and we are lifelong partners...

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