Your moment of defeat

[CommunityDawn]

For anybody who has finally arrived at the admission that they are well and truly licked by alcohol:
How did you hang on to the determination to maintain sobriety - days, months, or years after your last drink. What keeps you holding on to the recognition that your powerless over the booze? How did you accept that you could never pick up another drink - ever.

I have reached that point but am afraid that I will let it go. I have been trying to get sober for years and am at my wit's end! Alcohol is everywhere. Everywhere I look, somebody's offering it to me or I just think "#### it. It's too easy to pick up a drink".

I just want to get sober but it's such a struggle!

[Sobersunshine]

I remember my last drunk. I never want to do that again. 43 days sober.

I wouldn't be here and be happy, to boot, without AA.

[RobC420]

Here's the story of how I hit bottom: In November of 2010 my illness convinced me to stop taking my anxiety medication and to start drinking and doing drugs again full time after I had managed to stay dry and clean for a few months. What transpired was 6 months of living in hell with panic, anxiety, paranoia, impending doom, and a ton of denial that anything was wrong.

Eventually I had a panic attack far worse than any I have ever experienced before. This happened at work. I deserted my shift and completely freaked out in side my car. I imagine this is the kind of panic I would experience if I was in a plane I knew was about to crash in to a mountain or was kidnapped and the kidnapper had a gun to my head ready to pull the trigger. I was crying hysterically, shaking, numb, and making these freaky shrieking sounds that I've never heard myself make before.

It was a living nightmare. I was finally stuck in a corner that I could not get myself out of. In that moment I decided (or perhaps God decided for me) that I was done with drinking/drugs. I had had enough and I didn't ever want to be in that spot again. I pulled out my phone and went through my contacts to my mom. She came and picked me up. Then I had to call my boss ad explain why I was deserting my shift. I spent the next ten days bedridden with anxiety at my parents house detoxing and getting back on anxiety medication. On day 12, I jumped headfirst in to the program of AA. The whole thing was a really humbling experiencing, but I am sooooooo grateful I went through it.

Though I realized I was an alcoholic and drug addict 2 years in to my drinking/using in 2002, I was not even close to willing to accept I couldn't drink again. I was convinced that I was smart enough to control it and that self knowledge would take care of the problem. It only got worse of course and eventually led to the bottom I just described.

There has never been any debate or question regarding my status as an alcoholic and drug addict ever since. My addictions had become far worse than I ever thought was possible. The idea of taking a drink or drug again at this point scares the **** out of me. My only option is to enjoy living sober, because I cannot go back. For me, not drinking is not something I really have to try to accept, its a fact of life now and considering how horrifying my last drunk was I am 100% totally cool with it. Recovery is my life today without question. My sober date is April 3, 2011.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by CommunityDawn

What keeps you holding on to the recognition that your powerless over the booze? How did you accept that you could never pick up another drink - ever.

I just want to get sober but it's such a struggle!

The "powerless" thing only got me through the first month or so. The "spiritual awakening" thing got me through the rest of the time. If I had to think about not-drinking every day, that would be a cross to bare. Sooner or later I would need to put that cross down to get some relief from struggleing one-arduous-day-at-a-time.

Today there is no struggle or cross to bare because a power greater than myself is managing my sobriety for me. This is kind of like the recovering/recovered debate going on in another thread.

Recovering = needing to think about not drinking.

Recovered = not needing to think about drinking.

[ironlung]

I struggled for decades to the point of suicide attempts due to my addictions hold on me, I tried literally everything except surrendering to my HP. Even tried AA for a couple years leaving the spirituality out of it and relying on the "fellowship" or man which was only white knuckling it until I got uncomfortable and picked up again.

Echo what Boleo said. The obsession of alcohol has been removed for me. This is only due to my HP who has removed it. It is my job to seek concious contact with him on a daily basis, that which is keeping me sober. I find myself still amazed that I do not have to struggle or obsess over alchohol anymore.

[muvinon]

I reached that jumping off place.....and I jumped. The fear of drinking was finally worse than the fear of sobriety.

I have no interest in booze anymore. I'm around it. It doesn't entice me. I don't envy those who can drink.

The love affair is........over.

So it's not about determination. It's about surrendering to the truth.

I'm alcoholic, and I just cannot drink.

[tomsteve]

Originally Posted by CommunityDawn

For anybody who has finally arrived at the admission that they are well and truly licked by alcohol:
How did you hang on to the determination to maintain sobriety - days, months, or years after your last drink. What keeps you holding on to the recognition that your powerless over the booze? How did you accept that you could never pick up another drink - ever.

I have reached that point but am afraid that I will let it go. I have been trying to get sober for years and am at my wit's end! Alcohol is everywhere. Everywhere I look, somebody's offering it to me or I just think "#### it. It's too easy to pick up a drink".

I just want to get sober but it's such a struggle!

i remember a lot of my past. i have it in my heart today that one drink will bring back the gloom,dospair, and misery. i didnt have to hold on to the determination for very long as, just as i was told by the members of AA, it would get easier if i worked for it. and they were right. i dont have a drinking problem today, i have a thinking problem, but even thats gettin gooder

i never accepted i can never pick up another drink because drinking is still an option. i can drink any time i want to. i make the choice not to.


if alcohol is everywhere you are and everyone is offering it you you, you may want to get away fromt he wet places and wet faces.

[pipparina]

I tried to control it at the end, after people asking me, why do you drink SO much. Oh, that's my problem, I thought. I'll drink a little less and won't get into so much trouble. So I worked really hard trying to figure out what numbered drink pushed me over the edge. Was it the third? The fifth? The eighth? I couldn't figure it out.

After my nephew, who was about 8 at the time, tried to wake me from a hangover, reminded me that I had I told him just a few months ago that I wasn't going to get drunk anymore, I realized I had no control over this stuff

I went to AA for help. That turned into not drinking. I craved alcohol for awhile. I would got to a meeting everyday. I listened to these people whose desire to drink had been lifted and wanted that. I prayed every morning and night, asking God to keep me sober and remove my desire to drink.

I was able to stay sober during those rough first months out of fear of alcohol. I knew if I drank again it would be suicide. But little by little, I learned how to have fun in sobriety with the fellowship. And little by little that became more normal to me than drinking.

Now, 14+ years later, I rarely think about a drink. I NEvER thought the desire would be lifted, but God did that for me. Otherwise I dont think I could have white-knuckled it.

[bbthumper]

I had a first step experience after sitting with my sponsor for the first time with the Big Book. I left his house with a feeling of helplessness because the reality of the first step had settled in. A body that cant have alcohol due to an allergy and a mind that cant keep from drinking because of a mental obsession. An alcoholic death and spiritual help were my two options and I knew it.

What does it for me now? what keeps the 1st step fresh? Working with others. THat is the pay off of the whole deal. If I want what AA has to offer, I gotta work with others. The memory of how bad things were wears off after a while. I can get real comfortable and think that Ive got this thing beat. Nothing keeps my feet planted on the ground better than taking others through the 12 steps.

[Mark75]

My moment of defeat? There were several, and none of them involved a cogent and active understanding that I was powerless (I already knew that) and that I could never pick up another drink again (what tomsteve said)...

The important moment, the most important moment, and it didn't really seem like it at the time, was that I surrendered.... that I understood that the only way, well the only one I could see at the time, nor any way I have seen or heard about since, was for me to step aside and let God do this for me.

He hasn't let me down and I trust and believe that He won't.

[2granddaughters]

I was at an AA meeting this morning.
I haven't entertained the thought of a drink for decades but I still have the "ISMS" that are treated by going to meetings and working the Steps.
Quitting drinking was the easy part for me... then the work began.

All the best.

Bob R

[NYCDoglvr]

It was a week before Christmas. I decided to decorate a beautiful blue spruce my brother had erected in my apartment. I had stopped drinking red wine when I realized tanic acid made me drunk but someone had given me two bottles of 1989 red Bordeaux. Hey, it's the holidays so sure, drink red wine. I remember opening the bottle. When I came out of my blackout I was in Mt. Sinani Hospital strapped to a gurney, a huge black bruise on my face. During the blackout they had pumped my stomach.

It seems that during the blackout I decided to overdose on Valium (to this day I have no idea why). A close friend, who lives a few blocks away, tried calling and when he couldn't reach me used his key to come in the apartment. He called 911. I told the doctors I didn't mean to kill myself, I had no idea why I would do such a thing, so they put me in the regular ward, not the psych ward, for my mandatory three day stay. They tied me down to the bed. My roommate was in hospital for diabetes. Several times per day doctors went on rounds, visiting us. They'd say "in that bed is diabetes; this (pointing to me) is pills and alcohol.

I had the "gift of desperation" when I came in. 21 years later I make sure I take care of my sobriety and go to at least three meetings a week. I known I have another drink in me but I don't think I have another recovery.

[Hexipuff]

My determination to keep sober comes from all different places.

I have me regular AA meetings which provides me with strong foundations to build a sober life on I have my AA friends - just a phone call away. I have my road map - the BB and I have my compass - my HP

I have my happiness now vs. the living nightmare of drinking

I have a simple way of looking at all this - sober = happiness; drinking = madness

This may sound all too easy and of course there are good and bad days
Bad days - ah the secret list. The list I made of all my behaviours when I drank- now if that doesn't keep me on the sober path nothing will.

[Jeni26]

I skidded along rock bottom for a long time, but I guess my moment of defeat was a weekend in which I never sobered up. I drank again when I already felt sick and shaky. I couldn't sleep so took diazepam on top of vodka. I wanted to die.
I want to always remember that feeling of desperation. I will do anything it takes to stay sober now. When I look at my beautiful children I could cry when I think how close they came to losing their mother to this disease. They don't deserve that.
I am getting there. Next week I will be 5 months sober. I'm learning so much about myself thanks to AA. This journey is incredible. It is hard sometimes, but nothing is as hard as living life as a drunk.

[CousinA]

For me it came after I hit bottom. I knew I was powerless and my life was unmanageable while I was still drinking but no longer cared. I was waiting to die and with the benefit of time I know today that the end drinking and drugging was all about self annihilation. I had that gift of desperation but was too booze and dope addled to know it.

What happend it my family held an intervention and left me at a rehab and then went to a halfway house. It was at those places I was introduced to AA and NA where I began to hear the message of recovery. I didn't have an "aha" moment but somewhere in those early days I just realized I was done.

I wake up every morning taking the 1st step. How I keep it is by staying close to the program - making meetings, working with others and practicing 10, 11 & 12 to the best of my ability.

[sugarbear1]

Try not drinking. I couldn't go one day. That is powerlessness to me.

[CommunityDawn]

Sugarbear, I have been powerless over not drinking for one day. I am powerless over stopping once I take one drink.
I have not yet reached the depths of despair shared by a lot of you in this post. I am terrified that I will fall further and don't want to go there. Thank you so much for opening up about your experiences.
I am reminded of the woman in the BB story "Student of life". Maybe I too will hit bottom when I stop digging...
I don't want to continue on this downward spiral; I desperately want to stop it.
Last night I drank 12 beers and am disgusted with myself.
Trying to hang on to that feeling to get the motivation for a better future.
Thanks everyone.

[stairs]

I admitted that I am full of sh*t and have been pretty much all of my life. That I lie about everything and mostly to myself.

It may sound strange but I had never admitted that to anyone, EVER. Does a con artist go around telling people they're a con artist? Of course not.

I was in a self made prison. I was trying to drink myself to death rather than get honest and be willing to participate, warts and all.

[CommunityDawn]

Originally Posted by stairs

I admitted that I am full of sh*t and have been pretty much all of my life. That I lie about everything and mostly to myself.

It may sound strange but I had never admitted that to anyone, EVER. Does a con artist go around telling people they're a con artist? Of course not.

I was in a self made prison. I was trying to drink myself to death rather than get honest and be willing to participate, warts and all.

I relate to the self-made prison and, I finally admit, to the self-deception as well.