Sharing step 4 and 5

[Jeni26]

My sponsor is working with me and one other person on the steps at the same time. So far this has really suited me. I get on very well with them both and we have helped each other along.
But we're now on step 5. We've shared resentments and fears and built a trusting non-judgemental friendship. But, there are some aspects of this step I'm going to find near impossible to share with anyone let alone 2 at the same time. The other woman is finding this all great. She's been in and out of AA for years, now has a year sober, and this is the furthest she's got before. She keeps sending me messages saying that working alongside me has made such a difference, and listening to me share has helped her to open up for the first time.
I can't do this on this step. I know I'm delaying sharing because I've done some pretty dreadful stuff. Maybe she has too. I don't know. I'm going to find it hard, but I'm going to have to say that I need some alone time with my sponsor, and maybe reconnect after that. I don't want to disappoint her, but its important I get this right for me. I don't want to be tempted not to do this thoroughly because I want and need to be completely honest.
Has anyone else worked this way with a sponsor/sponsee?
It has been fine up until now, but I get the impression it was originally arranged more to benefit the other lady as she had become really stuck, whilst I was racing ahead enthusiastically and being told repeatedly to slow down! The balance of our personalities helped us both. Until now.

[2granddaughters]

Hello Jeni:
I did my first 4th & 5th as best I could at the time. This is not a one-shot deal.
You will go over this Step(s) numerous times as the time goes by.
Do it as well as you can and explain to your sponsor any questions or blocks you are having.

All the best.

Bob R

[tomsteve]

jeni, good to see the progress. what i'm getting is to dot he 5th step with yer sponsor and another of her sponsees? if thats the case and you have a hard time with it, i personally can understand. if you feel you would share it with just your sponsor alone, let her know there are aspets you dont want to share with the other sponsee. explain why.
there are aspets of my life that will stay between me and God still at this time.

[Mark75]

You can do your 5th step with another trusted person... it can be anyone who is appropriate... I did my first one with my priest.

[CaiHong]

Hi Jen,
I am sure that if you tell your sponsor that you would like to do step 5 with her alone that it should be fine. I thought it was quite unusual that you would do step 5 as a group.
There is never more than 2 people in a confessional, the confessor and the priest.

if I may be so bold but I can feel a bit of resentment creeping in regarding this other person. To me it is clear cut step 5 I do alone with my sponsor, see you after that to continue with the steps. There is no need to apologize or feel uncomfortable for telling it how it is.
You are going great.

Love
CaiHong

[RobC420]

I prefer one on one interaction. I don't think I would do a group thing as a sponsee or as a sponsor.

Page 74 of the Big Book talks about doing the 5th step with a religious authority, closed mouth friend, doctor, psychologist, or a family member. It is your step to do, not your sponsors or their other other sponsees. You can do it however you are comfortable and you need not feel any pressure to do it how someone else wants you to do it. If you don't feel comfortable doing it with the other sponsee then don't do it.

[omegasupreme]

Our text book does specifically say "person or persons." Currently, when I 5th step it's usually with 5 or 6 people ranging from 2 yrs to 20 yrs and I typically have at least 1 member of the opposite sex in there.

My first inventory was read to one person. I will say it lacked what I thought was my sickest behaviors though. When I got honest with those I took it to multiple people. It was terrifying to my ego. It feared destruction...which is exactly what it needed and what it got. Reading sex inventory to several members of the opposite sex was horrifying but it made the amends crystal clear. Today I am a free man because of it.

The late Mark H. would ask "How free do you want to be?"

Remember, at the beginning, it was agreed we would go to any length for victory over alcohol.

[RobC420]

Originally Posted by omegasupreme

Our text book does specifically say "person or persons."

I read that too. It got me wondering if by persons they mean doing it in a group or doing it one on one with more than one person...I guess it emcompasses both.

[DayTrader]

What Omega said. Fifth stepping with several ppl (all or parts) of my inventory has been very beneficial.

Re the OP.... Around here, the treatment centers/rehabs do the group deal. It's a bunch of peers, all working the steps for the first time, nobody with any experience in recovery. .....it doesn't work too well.

[omegasupreme]

Originally Posted by RobC420

I read that too. It got me wondering if by persons they mean doing it in a group or doing it one on one with more than one person...I guess it emcompasses both.

I've done it both ways Rob. The group I read to was a husband/wife combo both in recovery with about a year longer than I had. People that knew I was on a life and death errand. Oh this one is hilarious in hindsight...some misconduct I wasn't proud of. I could barely speak, their kids were in the next room playing so that was freaky. Then we were in a room by the front door and BAMN BAMN BAMN!!! On the front door...it was the Chinese food guy...one of them gets up to get the door, I'm just flat coming undone staring at the Chinese food guy, hes like "wtf?" They start eating, I'm trying to finish...my head was spinning! In hindsight its all hilarious how much power that piece had over me. At the time, fancied or real, it had the power to kill.

I've 5th stepped with my girlfriend and she has done likewise with me.

Another interesting 5th step was sharing it with the guy whose name appeared in column 1.

Other times its been by phone or by email, not always face to face.

The point of all of this...which I noticed I missed earlier, is that the more people I am open and honest with the more my stage characters crumble away. My insides begin to match my outsides more consistently. I don't have to pretend to be anyone or anything. Nothing or no one to hide.

[omegasupreme]

I swear I am almost finished with this one...this is what happens when I spend a weekend with my grandsponsor...ol boy cracks my head open and this stuff just pours out...probably my heart more than my head though...

The next point...besides my insides matching my outsides is EXTREMELY important, considering I operated on a self-centered point of view. From pg. 66 on I get to follow a neat prescription. The text tells me what my course is. It suggests that perhaps the people that wronged me were spiritually sick. It suggests I ask God how to show them the tolerance, pity, and patience I would grant a sick friend.

Instead of being the prosecuting attorney I get to take the position of the defense attorney and take on an other-centered attitude.

I LOVE what keeps being pointed out to me re a phrase that I operated on sober for a while. I thought I was to look for my part, which makes the implication that the other person has a part. They don't. Not if all my troubles are of my own making they don't. I am told to put out of my mind the wrongs others had done and to resolutely look at my own mistakes. Where had I been selfish? Where had I been dishonest? Where had I been self-seeking? Where had I been frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person entirely. Where were we to blame?

...

BB 1st Edition