advance from gay member

[sukosuko1]

I'm fairly new to aa and a man who didn't tell me he was gay invited me like three times to his apartment for a "step study". I told him I prefer to meet outside for a coffee and quickly figured out he was gay and interested. I'm completely straight but get along fine with the openly gay people in the program, but somehow this latent pickup stuff didn't seem right. the program is supposed to be a safe place and I feel like telling newcomers to be careful with this older dude but then again to get into the program we long past naive and maybe this is no big deal. any thoughts on dealing with this?

[muvinon]

Whether someone is gay or straight is irrelevant. If you're a newcomer, then you are correct is asking, "Isn't it supposed to be safe from sexual advances?"

I can only share my ESH. In my first year, I did let someone help me out a bit financially, and it was small stuff....but even so, I knew.....bad idea. Sure enough, it was a bad idea. I saw quickly where it was headed. Stopped all friendliness. And it pained me to do that, since I really would be a great friend to someone. But if they are going to turn it into something else, then we can't even do the friend deal.

Was it comfortable for me? No. Was it a deterrent to my sobriety? No. I am alcoholic, not stupid. I know full well how it goes. I did not take offense. I understood. I also did not allow anything more to develop. His loss, in my opinion.

The most important thing for you to see is that you, too, took care of yourself. You're in AA for the right reasons. Pray that this person. If someone sat him down and said, 'Look, you're about to take an action that might kill that guy if gets so upset that he leaves AA," would he still do it? That's one whopper of a spiritual principle to break when you look at it from that angle.

People make light of this problem. I personally don't think they should.

It's not "worse" because the member was gay. Frankly, as one person reminded me, in this day and age, "available is available."

And you, like me, did not set aside your own instincts and just trust that because it's a 12-step program, everyone in the room MUST be a saint or close to it, anyway.

Where we get that idea? The BB suggests we are highly idealistic people. I personally think that's a very kind-hearted way of saying, "We're damn immature most of the time."

You showed a spot of maturity.

[bbthumper]

The infamous 13th steppers. Get a bunch emotinally immature alcoholics together and there's bound to be some with wrong motives. Key is to find the healthy, recovered folks and stick with them.

[tomsteve]

gay, straight, male, female. it doesnt matter. there are 13 steppers. i personally inform newcomers of it and to be careful.
i have had it happen once. a person wanted me to go to their house to help them understand the steps better. when i said we could do it right at the 12 step club in town, the help was no longer wanted.

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by sukosuko1

any thoughts on dealing with this?

Forgive him.... And keep moving on with your work.

When things like that happen to me, it's a reminder of all the times I did something similar to the perpetrator myself. -- in this case, it would be a good lesson in how I shouldn't hit on women in meetings.

[sukosuko1]

thanks, everything people have said here makes sense. It doesn't matter ones sexual orientation, i'll just pray that people in the rooms can focus on helping others and keep their self-seeking outside of the rooms.