4th step

[DAB]

I am almost 11 months sober and I am still working on my 4th step.
I am stuck on harms to others. If I sit down and think about it I can only remember but only a few major instances. Then every once in a while things come back to me so I add it to the list.
I hope eventually that I will feel that the list is complete.

[tomsteve]

good on ya for getting into the 4th step. however, the 4th isnt about finding harm we have done to others. if you read starting on pg. 64, you will see we are lookin for causes and conditions.

Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.

We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations

On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?

now, shortly after this, there is an example of a 4th step list, a "grudge list." the colums are labeled "i am resentful at," "the cause," " affects my." we are not looking for the harm we did to others yet. that comes with the 8th step.

[Dee74]

I moved your thread here DAB - I think you'll find more response here

D

[Kelltic]

Hi DAB, congrats on 11 months! I found a template based on the BB for the 4th step, and it has everything that tomsteve described. I like to type rather than write, so I filled in the template. I also found a helpful 4th step workbook that had a list of character defects and I referred to it after making my own list. I went over my inventory last night w my sponsor and I feel great!

[DAB]

Thanks, Tomsteve.
I found a 4th step inventory worksheet online.
It said to first write down your resentments, the cause, and affects my.
Then your fears, the cause, and affects my.
Next your sexual conduct, the cause, and affects my.
And finally harms to others, the cause, and affects my.

So that is what I have done. Am I missing something?

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by DAB

Thanks, Tomsteve.
I found a 4th step inventory worksheet online.
It said to first write down your resentments, the cause, and affects my.
Then your fears, the cause, and affects my.
Next your sexual conduct, the cause, and affects my.
And finally harms to others, the cause, and affects my.

So that is what I have done. Am I missing something?

That's what I did. I didn't have many harms done to others....But that would be someone I had no resentment towards...No fear towards and no sexual conduct with....Yet I had harmed them. That's how I did it with my sponsor.

[tomsteve]

you got it! i will add that when i was workin on my 4th step, i had so many resentments in my mellon i just started writing them down and the cause. with quite a fw of them, i couldnt see where i was effected, so i left that part blank. man, the effects would start poppin up outta the blue!
yup, i was a wreck, all of my own making.

[Sapling]

This is from barefootsworld.net....It's a pretty decent site.

There are actually four inventories we should be writing as part of the 4th Step: "Resentments", "Fears", "Sex", and "Harms to Others". There are some people on my inventory that I harmed but I didn't resent them, fear them, nor have a sexual relationship with them. So if I hadn't done a "Harms to Others" inventory as page 70 suggests ("We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.") then I would have missed important truths that needed to be on my inventory and shared in Step 5. And besides, when we get to Step 8 page 76 says, "We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory."

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by DAB

Thanks, Tomsteve.
I found a 4th step inventory worksheet online.
It said to first write down your resentments, the cause, and affects my.
Then your fears, the cause, and affects my.
Next your sexual conduct, the cause, and affects my.
And finally harms to others, the cause, and affects my.

So that is what I have done. Am I missing something?

You have the resolve on there?....Fourth column.....Your part?

[Sapling]

And this is great for the affects my column.

Seven Parts of Self

[bbthumper]

there is no such thing as a perfect 4th step. Get down the big stuff and move on. You can always go back and do other inventories later. Too many people go back out because they are taking too much time with the step work. Put down what you have now and get it out in a 5th and keep moving.
Beest wishes.

[Music]

Originally Posted by DAB

Thanks, Tomsteve.
I found a 4th step inventory worksheet online.
It said to first write down your resentments, the cause, and affects my.
Then your fears, the cause, and affects my.
Next your sexual conduct, the cause, and affects my.
And finally harms to others, the cause, and affects my.

So that is what I have done. Am I missing something?

DAB, do you have a sponsor? If so, check with you sponsor and work together on answering your questions. You'll get nothing but opinions here and more confusion. Face to face is the best discussion.

[KnowHope]

What's important is that you do it. That 4th column is the meat and potatoes of the inventory. Go for it and get out of there, move forward. Delay can be a difficult place in a 4th step. You can do this.

I try to read the book very carefully and thoroughly, and I've not really understood why many suggest there is a separate list for harms caused to others. Resentment as it's written in the book relates to why we were angry. The material in step 4 also suggests that sometimes we were sore at others, while other times we were sore at ourselves in the form of remorse. If I've caused harm to others, have money I owe that I haven't paid back, have lied, cheated, stole, used, abused, damaged, broken, whatever harm, it goes in the 4th step resentment list right along with all of the anger I hold towards others for any reason, fancied or real. Nothing counts but thoroughness and honesty.

If you work from a template make sure you understand where it comes from in the book. You should know this for yourself and so that you can show it to others. Don't let anyone read your Big Book for you.

Step 8 doesn't have a new list of harms. What it says is that I made the list when I took inventory, which also says to me that my inventory should have included those names as well. It says, "We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory."

The most effective inventories I have done are those that I have completely dedicated myself to, made my entire priority and pounded out even night and day with lots of prayer for God's help and guidance until they were done. Then it's straight into step 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 etc etc the whole kitten caboodle. That is what has done more for me than I ever thought possible. I have had 5th step experiences that make the step 5 promises look modest. The results are real. These are life or death matters for an alcoholic of my variety. Trust in the process. Freedom on the other side. Go get it.

I agree, I hope you are doing this with a quality sponsor and that you will share your 4th step with someone (hint, hint your quality sponsor), who has been through this themselves and can help provide the feedback and insight I've had from others that have been able to shoot down my warped thinking, enlighten my delusion and free me from justifying the selfish defects that are inherently at the root of all my troubles.

Have faith. Good luck. God bless.

[tomsteve]

Originally Posted by Sapling

This is from barefootsworld.net....It's a pretty decent site.

There are actually four inventories we should be writing as part of the 4th Step: "Resentments", "Fears", "Sex", and "Harms to Others". There are some people on my inventory that I harmed but I didn't resent them, fear them, nor have a sexual relationship with them. So if I hadn't done a "Harms to Others" inventory as page 70 suggests ("We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.") then I would have missed important truths that needed to be on my inventory and shared in Step 5. And besides, when we get to Step 8 page 76 says, "We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory."

yes, it does say that. however there can be people on the 4th step list that i did no harm to. i was bullied by 2 kids in middle school. they ended up getting expelled because of it. it wasnt pretty. i let the resentment live in my head for a long time. i surely wasnt gonna go find them and make amends for their sick actions.
there were many poeple i owed amends to that werent on my 4th step list. i screwed em over really bad and didnt have any resentments at em.

[KnowHope]

Curious question, where in the book does it say there is a separate 4th step list for harms?

[bbthumper]

Originally Posted by KnowHope

Curious question, where in the book does it say there is a separate 4th step list for harms?

It does nt say that. It says we reviewed our conduct and asked who we had harmed in reference to our sex conduct. Most find it helpful and necessary to list those we harmed and with whom we had no resentment or sexual relationship.

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by bbthumper

It does nt say that. It says we reviewed our conduct and asked who we had harmed in reference to our sex conduct. Most find it helpful and necessary to list those we harmed and with whom we had no resentment or sexual relationship.

I did.....I had three of them that really bothered me. I had no resentment towards them and no sexual relationship with...No fear of...Just plain screwed them over.

Page 70

We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.

[Music]

Actually on I think page 64 there's a fourth column which has to do with the part I played in these situations. Just read the book and follow directions the way they're printed, not the way you want to interpret them.