Dealing With An Ex At Meetings.....

[Justfor1]

So I've been running into a women I was seeing in the program months ago. She has showed up the last 2 Sunday night meetings I attend. I feel as if those are my meetings & she has no business there. To top it off, she has stayed sober, moved out of her halfway house & has a full time job. I feel as if she just wants to rub her success in my face. I heard she recently celebrated one year sobriety & I feel foolish to admitting a 1 day "slip". We almost would of had the same sobriety date. Anyways, how would I go about telling her that she is not welcomed at that meeting?

[Tommyh]

you don`t
she has the same right as you to attend the meeting
you`ll just have to get over it

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by Justfor1

I feel as if those are my meetings & she has no business there.

That's just a feeling you have, but it is not the reality... she has the same business there that you do.

I feel as if she just wants to rub her success in my face.

That is just another feeling... How do you know what she wants or doesn't want... Maybe she is just grateful to find recovery and is happy about it...

how would I go about telling her that she is not welcomed at that meeting?

You shouldn't do that!

You are spending way way too much time in her head... Pay attention to your own recovery, and if you can't do that with her there, find another meeting.

[freya]

You know, there is a very good chance that her choices about what meetings she goes to have nothing whatsoever to do with you.....especially after "several months."

Do you honestly believe that this woman has been waiting for months so that she could deliberately show up at a meeting you consider "yours" and rub the length of her sobriety in your face? What makes you think she even knows -- let alone cares -- about your relapse? As you've said, her life and her recovery seem to be going well, so there's a high probability that she has much better and more important things to be thinking about than you.

Let's get back to reality here...1) Meetings do not belong to any one person, and even if this meeting is your homegroup (...and I mean really-and-in-practice your homegroup in the sense that you do service there, attend and participate actively in group consciences, and are always present -- unless you've died and have a note from God...), she's not doing anything wrong by attending, and you will look like a self-centered fool if you make a stink about it. 2) This would be a pretty good example of why it is not a bright idea -- and often a dangerous one -- to be dating early in recovery, so your lesson here is: "Don't do it!" 3) Whenever one dates someone else in recovery and a break-up occurs, the time to discuss who gets which meetings and for how long afterwards in the "divorce" is during the "divorce," not several months down the road. 4) You are, supposedly, at meetings to further your own recovery, so focusing on what you imagine the other people in the room are doing and/or not doing, defeats your purpose in being there.

....and, talking about furthering your own recovery, if you cannot let this go then it might be a good idea to talk to you sponsor about doing some 4th Step work specifically on this situation....because, as always, "she" is not your problem; "you" are your problem.

freya

[Db1105]

Originally Posted by freya

You know, there is a very good chance that her choices about what meetings she goes to have nothing whatsoever to do with you.....especially after "several months."

Do you honestly believe that this woman has been waiting for months so that she could deliberately show up at a meeting you consider "yours" and rub the length of her sobriety in your face? What makes you think she even knows -- let alone cares -- about your relapse? As you've said, her life and her recovery seem to be going well, so there's a high probability that she has much better and more important things to be thinking about than you.

Let's get back to reality here...1) Meetings do not belong to any one person, and even if this meeting is your homegroup (...and I mean really-and-in-practice your homegroup in the sense that you do service there, attend and participate actively in group consciences, and are always present -- unless you've died and have a note from God...), she's not doing anything wrong by attending, and you will look like a self-centered fool if you make a stink about it. 2) This would be a pretty good example of why it is not a bright idea -- and often a dangerous one -- to be dating early in recovery, so your lesson here is: "Don't do it!" 3) Whenever one dates someone else in recovery and a break-up occurs, the time to discuss who gets which meetings and for how long afterwards in the "divorce" is during the "divorce," not several months down the road. 4) You are, supposedly, at meetings to further your own recovery, so focusing on what you imagine the other people in the room are doing and/or not doing, defeats your purpose in being there.

....and, talking about furthering your own recovery, if you cannot let this go then it might be a good idea to talk to you sponsor about doing some 4th Step work specifically on this situation....because, as always, "she" is not your problem; "you" are your problem.

freya

Amen

[Earthworm]

Well this is my experience, I have to deal with an ex at meetings-

I,ve developed the art of total indifference with him.

Thats my ESH.

Ngaire

[tomsteve]

beings how 1)our common welfare should come 1st; personal recovery depends upon AA unity, and 2) the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, and 3) our primary purpose is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers, you have no right to tell someone they arent welcomed. well, actually you do have the right, but if you want to let fear and ego control your rights, yer gonna be on a collision course with everyone and everything. i highly suggest you go to the meeting and start listening to her. you might learn something.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work

Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?

[ananda]

The beauty of AA in its true form is that a home group can surround each person with love and caring despite the conflicts on a personal level. My ex, his ex, and I all attended the same home group. No one took sides and all of us were supported to stay sober and honest and work our way through the life problems that arise without anyone taking “sides”. My now ex’s ex wife supported me. Her boyfriend of the time took me for a very scary dental procedure and rallied the troops of the home group to support me when things went badly. Basically it was the key part of my AA experience…that we all had personal feelings and issues…but those feelings and issues were put aside to support a fellow alcoholic in sobriety. I don’t see that so much anymore, but it is a huge part of the program.

[marusea]

it does sound like she is rubbing it in your face, but you be the bigger man and admit your mistakes and your slips...do what you woud do if she wasnt there,show her that her presence makes any difference at all, after all you are there for yourself

[Music]

Originally Posted by Justfor1

So I've been running into a women I was seeing in the program months ago. She has showed up the last 2 Sunday night meetings I attend. I feel as if those are my meetings & she has no business there. To top it off, she has stayed sober, moved out of her halfway house & has a full time job. I feel as if she just wants to rub her success in my face. I heard she recently celebrated one year sobriety & I feel foolish to admitting a 1 day "slip". We almost would of had the same sobriety date. Anyways, how would I go about telling her that she is not welcomed at that meeting?

YOUR MEETINGS??? What the helll does that mean?? Sounds to me like you're pi$$ed off because she's been successful and you've gone back out. Your last question is a good one. When you figure out just how you'd tell her she can't come to "your meeting", I hope you let the rest of us know. I was told a long time ago that the worst resentment I can ever have is one against AA or anyone in AA. Think that over and then decide if you want to drink again or not. YOUR MEETING??? Give me a break.

This is a great example of why a newcomer shouldn't get involved in a relationship early on. Being married is the only exception to the rule as far as I'm concerned. It's hard to put a marriage on hold while one or the other gets sober.

[muvinon]

You don't. You grow up. Sorry, but this is an absurd notion that any meeting belongs to you.

[tomsteve]

Originally Posted by marusea

it does sound like she is rubbing it in your face, but you be the bigger man and admit your mistakes and your slips...do what you woud do if she wasnt there,show her that her presence makes any difference at all, after all you are there for yourself

could you elaborate how you feel it is rubbing it in her face? im a lil confused on how someone goin to meeting to get and stay sober is rubbing it in someones face. would that mean all the meetings this woman goes to that just isnt at is also rubbing it in her face?
arent we suposed to be lookin across from each other and not putting ourselves or others on a pedastal, as in not being the "bigger man", but equal? arent we all equal, but some are sicker(like someone who thinks they should be able to tell someone else they arent welcomed at a meeting) than others? isnt love and tolerance of others our code?

[Music]

Originally Posted by marusea

it does sound like she is rubbing it in your face, but you be the bigger man and admit your mistakes and your slips...do what you woud do if she wasnt there,show her that her presence makes any difference at all, after all you are there for yourself

And....so what if she is rubbing his face in it?? That makes it her problem! The resentment is hers so why pick it up and run with it. That just gives her the power. Now it's his job to either stay away from the meetings she's going to, or check to see if she's there before he sits down. Hell, there are a few people I don't particularly like to be around but they don't know it and it's not something that keeps me from going where ever I need to go to stay sober.

[Justfor1]

Originally Posted by marusea

it does sound like she is rubbing it in your face, but you be the bigger man and admit your mistakes and your slips...do what you woud do if she wasnt there,show her that her presence makes any difference at all, after all you are there for yourself

Thanks. I think you understand what I'm trying to point out. Music, does it really matter that I had a slip for 1 day? I mean I didn't even have to admit it & I could of still kept my status in the AA fellowship. I use to give leads, chair meetings, make coffee ect... Things that I see very few people in the program doing. And for the folks who think that you shouldn't get into a relationship the first year? How about I don't get a job either & just go to AA meetings? Will that pay my bills? I want to participate in life & having a relationship is something I will continue to try.

[tomsteve]

welp, just, i will give you my experience of getting into a relationship in the 1st year, against the advise of those that went before me:
i got into a relationship with someone as sick as i was. after all, i was only gonna attract someone as sick as me. i see now that those who were healthy didnt want anything more than to help me get sober.
it was not good. what it did was keep me from lookin at myself and workin on me and fixing me. i didint start getting mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy until i finally made the decision to end the relationship, which i take full accountability for letting the relationship happen and for how long it went on.
you may go ahead and get into a relationship, but the ones that went before you have a lot more knowledge of what does and doesnt work.

whether it matters if you had a one day "slip" is up to you, but i sure hope you decide it does matter. i have seen quite a few people that had them one day "slips" not come back and end up covered up.

Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

[Taking5]

I don't know where you are on the steps, but this is totally against step 12 and several traditions. Probably belongs on your resentment list too. Have you talked to your sponsor?

Bottom line is this is not your meeting. It is for anyone who has a desire to stop drinking.

[Justfor1]

tomsteve, okay then if I don't get into a relationship for my first year than I feel as if I should not work either for my first year. I should just hang out at the local AA clubhouse all day? I want to have normal life ya know?

[Mark75]

Two different things, Just

[AlwaysGrowing]

Originally Posted by Justfor1

Things that I see very few people in the program doing. And for the folks who think that you shouldn't get into a relationship the first year? How about I don't get a job either & just go to AA meetings? Will that pay my bills? I want to participate in life & having a relationship is something I will continue to try.

All this is deflection! The real point is the meetings are not YOURS. This post and the original ones are 1) selfish and 2) Deflecting.

If you were doing the step work instead of figuring out who may or may not be looking or thinking about you these thoughts would be of Love and not annoyance.

AG

[Music]

Originally Posted by Justfor1

Thanks. I think you understand what I'm trying to point out. Music, does it really matter that I had a slip for 1 day? I mean I didn't even have to admit it & I could of still kept my status in the AA fellowship. I use to give leads, chair meetings, make coffee ect... Things that I see very few people in the program doing. And for the folks who think that you shouldn't get into a relationship the first year? How about I don't get a job either & just go to AA meetings? Will that pay my bills? I want to participate in life & having a relationship is something I will continue to try.

A return to drinking matters anytime, regardless of time spent out, or how many times spent out. You notice, I didn't say "slip". Some people use "relapse" 'cause it sounds more clinical or something. I call it what it is. A return to drinking. It doesn't just happen! For some reason, drinking seems like a good idea and that means for some reason, staying sober was over-ridden. If you didn't admit it at your meetings, that tells me something about your degree of honesty and humility. The fact that you do things or say things at meetings that seemingly no one else does isn't really a big deal 'cause that's what we're supposed to do in order to be a part of the fellowship of AA and to learn humility. Being in a relationship and working are two completely different subjects. Working is being responsible for oneself. Being in a relationship in early sobriety can be selfish and dangerous to not only yourself but the other person as well, especially when the other person has no business being in a relationship either. Your participation in life will come in time but dealing with the problems that come with participating in life should be a self-learned process so you don't screw up someone else in the process. But, like they say. Take what you need and leave the rest.