Advice please on sponsors

[Hexipuff]

I have had to change my meeting schedule to fit in with new commitments at work. I have been going to my new to me meeting for two weeks now
It's a great meeting. My sponsor cannot attend the same meetings as me now. She is away on holiday at the moment and says we will sort something out when she gets back - I am ok with that.
I just wanted your guidance on a couple of points:

Is it ok to never attend the same meetings as your sponsor?

In any circumstances it is ok to have a sponsor who is not the same gender as yourself?

And thoughts around this would be appreciated

Thanks as always

[Caledonia1]

Well I hope all of the above is okay because it all applies to me

My sponser is different gender and I can always attend the same meetings as them and seems to work just fine for me. As long as you are both happy with this arrangement what harm can it do.

I'm pretty new to all this, still learning so just my humbling opinion.

[Lily]

I never attend the same meetings as my sponsor cuz she lives in another state. LOL

I don't know about the other question, but I do have a friend who has a male sponsor.

[Caledonia1]

Lily............lol

[sugarbear1]

My current sponsor is male and we only meet at our home group meeting once a week, the other meetings I attend he isn't able to get to.

In early recovery, he was willing to drive me to some really awesome meetings, before he became my sponsor. Long story behind how he became my sponsor, but my first few were/are women and we are still in touch. Logistics made it difficult for us to continue...blah blah blah.... LOL

If it's about working the steps and spirituality, there is no problem. I have women with many years of sobriety to talk with on a regular basis! And others with less time than them....

My current sponsor will be relocating within 2 years, so I am on a search for the same sex sponsor as I, just because.....

[muvinon]

No rules on this......

Most of the suggestions are sort of commonsense. Right now, I don't see my sponsor in meetings. She moved about 45 minutes away. It's OK, but I am looking for a new sponsor in my area. I miss the weekly contact.

[galljc]

My sponsor is in none of my meetings. However he took me through the twelve steps and first part of the Big Book, starting with The Doctors Opinion. I talk to him one phone here and there and have lunch. When I was new and we were going through the Big Book we met outside of meetings weekly. The only reason we don't go to the same meetings is that we never did, schedules don't match and I met him while he was meeting with another sponsee and they invited me to sit with them. So while it may be uncommon it can work but you should plan to be in contact outside of meetings.

[tomsteve]

if the motives are right for a sponsor of different gender, then i dont see anything wrong with it, but the motive is important.
i sure hope you dont only attend meetings yer sponsor does.

[sugarbear1]

I meet once a week with my sponsor besides seeing them at our home group meeting.

[justanothrdrunk]

I was with my former sponsor for a couple years and then my schedule was such that we couldn't attend the same meeting. We talked about it and agreed it should be fine.

When he moved out of state, I found a new sponsor at a meeting. But that meeting later folded and we go to separate meetings. I guess it's between you and your sponsor and what you're both comfortable with.

I would not sponsor a woman, nor would I ask a woman to sponsor me. I'm fortunate to live in an area with plenty of meetings and plenty of male sponsors from which to choose. I just think there are so many possible issues that could arise between opposite sex sponsors. In addition, how would the 4th step/sex issues thing work? Men and women (in my experience anyway) tend to have very different ideas about sex. Not that it would be bad to discuss, but I could see trouble sort of relating to each other in that area at least.

[Hexipuff]

Thank you to all that responded to my post
I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.
As always there are wise words in your replies.
I am hoping to continue with my current who is female (as am I )
I just wanted to check out what others thought about having a sponsor of a different gender as my new to me meeting is predominately men, a couple of which I can really relate to their experiences and shares.

Again thanks to all - what would I do without you all

[Music]

I've been in AA for some time and the first thing I heard was males sponsor males and females sponsor females. Much less chance of causing more reasons to do a fourth step, if you get my drift. I know of some who've been around as long or longer than I who cross sponsor, like in a different state or different city but otherwise, I wouldn't do that. I've been married to my wife who is in AA for almost 50 years and we still don't think alike. To me, that's the key. Men and women just don't think alike so I've always had a male sponsor. Good luck.

[Earthworm]

Women with women/men with men for sponsors.

Its good to go to some of the same meetings as your sponsor but if you can,t then call.

Earthworm

Originally Posted by Hexipuff

I have had to change my meeting schedule to fit in with new commitments at work. I have been going to my new to me meeting for two weeks now
It's a great meeting. My sponsor cannot attend the same meetings as me now. She is away on holiday at the moment and says we will sort something out when she gets back - I am ok with that.
I just wanted your guidance on a couple of points:

Is it ok to never attend the same meetings as your sponsor?

In any circumstances it is ok to have a sponsor who is not the same gender as yourself?

And thoughts around this would be appreciated

Thanks as always

[freya]

I'm a q*eer femme who's primarily attracted to butch women, so both of my sponsors thus far have been feminine-presenting straight women. My partner is butch, and hir current sponsor is a gay man. I know a lot of gay and/or transgendered people who seem to work best (and most safely) with people of the opposite sex or the opposite gender or both. I think the main thing is that it's important not to have sponsors (or sponsees) with whom sexual and/or romantic attraction could become a complicating issue.

However, I have just recently taken on my first male sponsee -- and he's straight, which could in some situations be a problem I guess, but I feel fine with it because I really trust his recovery and his commitment to it (He's been sober 18 years.) and because I know for a fact that God brought us together.

I guess at this point in my journey, the people with whom I choose to spend most of my time and energy in recovery are people who are 100% committed to whole-life, ever-deepening recovery and spirituality, and the simple fact is that there are not enough people like that for it to make sense for me to be discriminating on the basis of sex, gender, sexual orientation.....or any other superficial, irrelevant-to-recovery criteria for that matter.

I also think that it is really dangerous when we are dealing with "rules" like this if we become rigid and dogmatic about it, because, when we do that, we are always trying to limit God....I mean, who am I to say that God can't, for example, use a woman to sponsor a man???? If God puts Mr. X in front of me and directs me to sponsor him, and I say -- to God or to myself or to anybody else -- "I can't because he's a man and I'm a woman," then I am basically telling God that I am not going to allow myself to be used as a tool in His hands in this particular situation because of some "rule" that some other people have come up with and that I am more worried about obeying those people and having their acceptance/approval than I am about obeying and being in right-relationship with God.

The fact is that God has no limitations and can do whatever He wants and that, when I truly allow myself to be used as a tool in His hands, not only do I not get to tell Him what I will and will not do for Him, but my own limitations in doing so become irrelevant.

freya

[wordman]

"In any circumstances it is ok to have a sponsor who is not the same gender as yourself? "

The saying Men with Men, Women with Women is there for a reason. Here we go again...

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by wordman

"In any circumstances it is ok to have a sponsor who is not the same gender as yourself? "

The saying Men with Men, Women with Women is there for a reason. Here we go again...

I didn't see that in the book...Two things came to my attention here Hexipuff....You have a sponsor and you're going to meetings....That's a good thing....Work the steps and change your life.

[FlyerFan]

My sponsor and I only see each other once a week at our home group. Also I have a friend who has a woman sponsor and he has had her for 10 years.

I don't think it matters as long as you are doing what you are supposed to be doing!

[Music]

Originally Posted by Sapling

I didn't see that in the book...Two things came to my attention here Hexipuff....You have a sponsor and you're going to meetings....That's a good thing....Work the steps and change your life.

There are many things we hear at meetings that aren't in the "book". That doesn't mean those things are invalid. Tried and true advice that has been handed down throught the years is worth paying attention to. You may be an exception to the rule, but most of us come to AA emotional recks and don't need relationship problems that could arise from having a sponsor of the opposite sex. Not to mention the fact that there are certain secrets, at least in my case that I wouldn't have been comfortable talking to a woman about. Men can bs women and vise versa whereas the problem may not exist when sponsor and pigeon are of the same gender. Listen to the oldtimers. They may be the only Big Book you read.

[legna]

I am a man who came into the program thirty-four years ago.

My first sponsor was also a man who sat me down on my 90 days and shared that he was gay. My second sponsor was a woman who was forty years my senior but was able to take me to a new level working the steps.

Fact is, I'm here because my life depends upon it. If you're here to play games, having a same sex sponsor won't save you. If you're serious about your sobriety, having an opposite sex sponsor won't be an impediment.

[DayTrader]

What Freya said. !!!

I've "sponsored" women..... And I hit on one of them. Made me sick....I jeopardized her sobriety in the hopes of getting laid. ----and I was in decent shape (by most accounts) when this happened. Was quite a while before I offered to help women again because I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes.