This is the way it is

[Jeni26]

Ive just got home from a meeting. A guy there shared that he'd relapsed after 15 years sober. He was quite honest. It was because he had stopped attending meetings and working the program.
Although I'm already so much better, attending meetings 3 times a week and doing a BB study with my sponsor another eve, it is really hard work to maintain that commitment when I'm out at work 14 hours a day in a demanding job. My family barely see me during the week.
I feel as though I'm not getting the balance right. I'm committed to AA. Still working on my 4th step which is proving to be emotionally gruelling and painful in the extreme. Still, I'm pushing through it, talking to my sponsor, and living one day at a time.
It's just.....I'm so frightened of relapsing that hearing stories about people slacking from meetings and then sliding backwards make me feel despondant. I don't want to live the rest of my life at this pace. I don't think I can. Yes, sobriety is my focus, but is there a wider issue of trying to balance my needs with that of my kids, H, friends who barely get a look in?
Don't shoot me down for not having the commitment I should please because that's just not true x

[Mark75]

Oh it seems that you are very committed!! Big Book study, 3 meetings a week on top of job and family... Wow!

I used to be afraid of that. Relapsing. I have heard others talk of that fear early on. It is a common fear... And there is some basis in fact with relapse or slips early on...

Is your fear immediate... That you want to drink so bad that you are just one second away from a drink? Or are worried that you will just find yourself drinking without any awareness or lead up?

[Jeni26]

Well, I'm afraid of complacency. I did a couple of months and then relapsed in May. Only 1 night, but it was truly horrendous. I've now been sober since that night. Up until yesterday, I would have said that my current program seems to have stopped all cravings and thought of a drink, but after a stressful day at work, I did think about it when driving home. I was so disappointed in myself. Although I didn't act on it, or even come close really, it has reminded me that it is still a present danger.

[muvinon]

I can do something for my recovery other than attend meetings all the time. Balance is important.

[Jeni26]

Well I pray every morning, do a gratitude list every evening, and spend time reading the BB if I'm not too totally worn out.
Guess stories of AA members who go back out after years of sobriety and then say it was because they stopped going to meetings really bothers me.

[muvinon]

Yes, I attend meetings weekly, but I personally find that 2 or 3 give me a lot to think about in a week.

When I'm stressed, I bump it up.

[Dee74]

I found it's very hard to be complacent if you're worried about complacency Jeni

We all have our own stories - I was determined my story was going to be I'd never drink again

I put the work in. I still do, but I have a full life away from recovery as well.

Try not to worry too much about what ifs.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things today to me

I hear those steps you're doing are great for dealing with fear

D

[bbthumper]

In my opinion if I am dependant on meetings to keep me sober im in trouble. Now, for someone newer of course meetings are essential. But 4 years in to sobriety I shouldnt "need a meeting" to prevent a relapse. The Big Book stresses over and over again that working with others gets us out of tough spots. Meetings can be helpful, but should not be my main line of defense.
What I am getting at I guess is that if you continue your step work, you can stay sober with a strong program working 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis and not need to attend so many meetings. I read most of your threads and it seems like you are really on the right path because you always mention your step work. Just keep that up and balance will be created in your life without you having to try.

God Bless!

[tomsteve]

jeni. it is awesome to see the footwork you are putting in and working the steps.
'here is my opinion: you are still early in recovery, so IMO, it is a must to make meetings and working the steps priority #1. without working the steps and making it your #1 priority, it would be very easy to start rationalizing putting off working the steps and missing meetings then end up drunk.
personally, i wanted what "they" had, so i only went to meetings on the days i drank. i'm not saying you have to go to meetings every day, but i highly suggest you keep up at least 3 meetings/week and call your sponsor and others in recovery the other days.

fear of relapse is a healthy fear. 7 years into recovery and i have a fear of it, but i dont have to let it control me and its not gonna happen today because i have a higher power and i have a choice.
at this point, you are doin a great job of putting in the footwork. yes, it gets exhausting, but i think you have a great example of what can happen if ya let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on yer laurels.
i would reallly hate to see you find out how many meetings you should attend by slacking off and end up drunk. you have come too far for that.
now, iffen yer like me, yer past shows ya didnt have much balance before getting into recovery? so, please have some trust that it will come. you will know it when it starts happening as it wont feel right.

[Mark75]

Stressful day at work, driving home... Yea, at 4 months a drink crossed my mind. Sure, even a little resentment, LOL...

You are not complacent, just going through that hideous early sobriety thing.

Relax, you are doing fine... Try to make the time and hug your kids and husband. Be grateful, you are recovering!!

[Jeni26]

Thankyou everyone.

[sugarbear1]

Work on your relationship with a higher power.

"No human power could relieve my alcoholism...HP would and could if he were sought"

Finish that first 4th step and move on with the rest of the steps. Maybe go to 2 meetings a week and that one BB study with your sponsor...for now, the number of meetings can change again later when you feel that the balance has been reached. Help another newcomer....talk to your network....do sober events with others...You can achieve that balance.

See Don C.'s 4 Seasons of Recovery on You Tube.

Increase your faith and keep moving forward!!

Love & hugs,

[notinline]

Originally Posted by Jeni26

Up until yesterday, I would have said that my current program seems to have stopped all cravings and thought of a drink, but after a stressful day at work, I did think about it when driving home. I was so disappointed in myself. Although I didn't act on it, or even come close really, it has reminded me that it is still a present danger.

your an alcoholic it's normal to think about drinking and wanting to drink. the thoughts don't mean you will act on them.

[Lily]

Jeni,

I too think you need to increase your relationship with your HP. It is all about that God consiousness for me that keeps me on the up and up. I don't do things today that I may have before my relationship with my HP got so intimate. I also do things today that I would have NEVER done before my relationship w/ my HP got so intimate.

Today I am a much better person.

[Kelltic]

Hi Jeni, I understand how you feel! I'm early in recovery. I'm up by 5am to get ready, drop off my kids, go to work, pick up the kids, change, prepare for tomorrow, go to my meeting, finish dinner with the kids, bathe them, do bed time, clean up, and bed!

I think about drinking sometimes. I miss it occasionally. At a meeting a few days ago, I even had a brief but intense craving for a specific drink! I'm ok with it though because I talk about the cravings. I find that talking about sick thoughts is like weeding - pulling the thoughts out before they can take root and proliferate. And I pray and thank my higher power for another sober day.

How does your sponsor feel about your commitment? Can you, as Sugarbear suggested, cut back to 2 meetings a week for now? Balance is so important, especially when you have a family.

[freshstart57]

In early sobriety, it is important to have support of friends and family while you make your new life without alcohol. This is a primary predictor of sobriety success. In sobriety, just like the rest of our life experience, balance is essential to our well-being.

[sugarbear1]

A fleeting thought is just a fleeting thought. When things go well, that is when I've had those thoughts more often then when things aren't going so right... I guess I want to exaggerate the "high times" more than numb the low times, but again, a thought is just a thought!

You are doing well, Jeni! Keep moving forward and cut yourself some slack in the daily grind... just don't drink, get through that difficult step, it might just be the thing making you feel cranky... remember the gratitude and keep that attitude!

[shaun00]

In my experience its very common to feel like that in early sobriety, i certainly did, its not surprising really when you think id been drinking for years but had a strong desire not too...but drank anyhow, every time.

Remember reading this paragraph, before you got to the action your now taking....
..."Well that exactly what this book is about. its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem"

It doesn't tell us meetings will solve our problem, in fact it tell us reliance of human things fail us every time .
Our power comes from god, which allows us to be happy and usefully whole..
Slowly over time we begin to trust, to relax , and of course help others with the solution so freely given to you.

Fellowship is wonderful, and important, it allows us to share our experience , strengths and hopes, ..hopefully we get to help others by doing this.
BUT fellowship wont keep me sober and fellowship alone wont keep me in a recovered state.....remember that power will solve my problem...and in my experience, the only solution.

What i would do ?.........id get the inventory done and ease off on putting myself under pressure to maintain meetings, the vital thing is i get connected...and the problem gets solved....close adherence to the steps will do that...or certainly lead you to a power that will.
If a sponsee started doing less meetings because he was busy busy busy with his nose in the book, i wouldn't be concerned, .. because id know he would be right back in the meetings soon with some vital information for someone that suffers....and has a solution to share.

Now ive read all the replies i notice most people said the same thing, that will teach me to type all that out before reading the whole thread lol.....
Great to hear your taking the action required jeni : )

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by muvinon

I can do something for my recovery other than attend meetings all the time.

I to find that meetings are just one of many venues that I can use to keep spiritually fit. My job sometimes requires 14 hour work days or several weeks without a day off. I have gone as long as 9 weeks between meetings because of it.

What I do instead is make sure I do a lot of self-appraisal, prayer/meditation and find ways to be of service to others.

[Jeni26]

Thanks. I think my current anxiety is due to a combination of things. Fear of relapsing, pain through working the 4th step, re-emerging memories of trauma, worry about the 5th step, applying for a new job which has provoked anxiety in my current workmates, coming off antidepressants for the first time in years....etc etc.
I am working on my connection with my HP constantly. Trying to distinguish my own jumbled thoughts from the real messages I'm getting. I will get there. I won't drink that's for sure, I'm far too scared of the consequences to go down that route!!
You have all been very supportive. My sponsor has been away for a week and I've missed her very much.