My Journey - Finally....Acceptance

[Peta]

Hi everyone

My drinking/sobriety journey feels like it's been a long one but I know I'm not so unusual.

I've been coming onto these forms for a number of years now.

I'm 28 and started drinking seriously at 16.. although I had my first sip of alcohol as a toddler at one of my parents parties.

By age 21 I knew I had a bit of a problem and by age 24 I desperately wanted to stop. I did stop for a year having read Allen Carr's book and getting hypnotised. I resumed with my soon to be husband who had never known me as a drinker.

Fasforward to age 26 and again I was in trouble and really wanting to stop. First entered the rooms of AA, got a sponsor got sober worked the steps became emotionally involved with someone with 12 years, didnt hand it over, lost interest in him after a while but after 14 months sober resumed drinking again; questioning whether I was a 'real alcoholic'. On the surface of things my life was good.. I had my own business, house, husband, no criminal convictions..

But since October last year I've been scraping my way through life,, trying to stop drinking once more. In AA.. out of AA and trying AVRT. Part of me never quite believed or agreed with the fact that this is a DISEASE. I thought I should be able to do it on my own. Kick it, and get on with life.

However I havent been able to.

I'm back in AA,, have got a new sponsor who is amazing and has 26 years sober and first got sober at my age with many of the same experiences as me so i feel totally safe in being honest with her.

It's been so so so hard to put the drink down.

I go to meetings, feel like God has broken through and I've hit bottom (like on Sunday morning in my shower vomitting after drinking the night before and then drinking in the morning while cleaning up.. something I've never done before.. crying out to God for help and noticing the razor blade on the shelf) and have handed it over.. then I take it back and drink again.

It's like i'm so 'together' in other areas of my life but even people who on the surface of it are way more screwed up than me can still get sober and I can't!!!

To me .. that's what this whole messy frustrating demoralising journey has been about..

Humility and acceptance that I am truly an alcoholic. That I can't bargain or manipulate my way out of it and I'm going to have to do the work like everyone else and stay away from the first drink. There's no way around that part of the program. That's kind of the first thing.

My sponsor had me write out a story of my drinking life,, all the situations I got myself into so I could see how powerless and unmanageable my life has become.. I did that and it was like the veil of denial was lifted from my eyes. Although I still drunk once after doing that (yesterday). Yesterday helped me see the INSANITY of my drinking.. even as I was buying an consuming it.. It was like I was a spectator in my own life.. kind of astral travelling watching it all happen and I knew... finally knew that I'm totally f$(#d without something bigger than me resorting me to sanity (step 2)

So this morning at 5 am i got down on my knees and prayed the step 3 prayer and really meant it.. to drink for me will mean death because I cant live as that person anymore and I dont want to die

Day one of the rest of my life starts today

[2granddaughters]

Down the line you will have 26 yrs as well.

Great post, Peta.

All the best.

Bob R

[Peta]

Thanks Bob

Having people who believe I'll get there is so encourgaing

[muvinon]

When you're done, you're done.

Now, AA can help you enjoy the heck out of your life.....the good, the bad, the ugly, and the sublime.

Welcome home.

[tomsteve]

it is always good to hear a person get to the point of surrender. good on ya!!! you can get there one day at a time.

[Eddiebuckle]

Originally Posted by Peta

and I knew... finally knew that I'm totally f$(#d without something bigger than me restoring me to sanity

Close friends and family members have on occassion spoken of how powerful and wonderful it must have been to have had the "aha" moment and gotten sober. Usually I just smile and nod, but in my mind I go back to that day, that moment. For me it was utter despair, knowing that I would likely live for years like this but not sure I could go through another day without taking my own life.

I applaud those who are able to do this their own way, but for me, I am certain that were it not for AA I would be dead, or worse still, wishing I was.

Thanks for sharing Peta, and welcome home.

[CarolD]

I am so glad to see you here again....I remember you and your history from your earlier posts.

Bllessings to you and your new sponsor as you start again.