Emotional age, alcoholism question - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

mark201233 · 08-31-2012, 07:48 AM

Hi all,

My name is Mark, I am brand new here and 3 and half months sober.

I was at an A.A. meeting yesterday and heard something very interesting - We stop maturing emotionally when we start drinking and don't continue growing until we get sober. If you add up the age you were when you started drinking with how long you've been sober that is how old you are emotionally.

I am actually 33 years old but if this is true I am emotionally 28 years and 3 months old.

Has anyone heard about this and does anyone know more? Does anyone have any links or know of any books where I can find out more about this?

Thanks

All the best

Mark75 · 08-31-2012, 07:55 AM

I think there is some truth in that... Certainly individual considerations should be made. I didn't think it applied to me, but as I continue in this journey of recovery and sobriety, I am finding that, in some ways, it DOES apply to me.

My approach to this, for my own self, is to focus on the program, in all my affairs.... and if I notice emotional growth, which one cannot help but notice, if one is doing the work... then, yea, awesome!

Jasmine1313 · 08-31-2012, 08:11 AM

I have heard this, too, and have definitely witnessed it in a family member.

If you google "Addiction and Emotional Stunted growth," you will likely find some articles.

I haven't posted enough here to be allowed to insert links

Jeni26 · 08-31-2012, 09:01 AM

Oh definitely true. Emotionally I'm a child. I'm starting to grow up now thankfully!

***PaperDolls*** · 08-31-2012, 09:12 AM

I've heard it too and I think for me, there is some truth to it.

You've got 10 years on me with this math. And I'm actually older than you!

I do think, in my recovery, some years there is much more growth than other years. So, I'm not going to use that math. I'll just keep focusing on continuing to grow. Not my emotional or real age. That could get depressing.

Mark75 · 08-31-2012, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tentoes

This is just plain not true.

For you.

Elisabeth888 · 08-31-2012, 09:51 AM

For me it is true because when I drank, I was not coping. I was choosing not to cope. Now I am using the tools of the program (steps) to handle life and this is brand new to me.

2granddaughters · 08-31-2012, 10:09 AM

I didn’t have a happy childhood but I am certainly having a long one .....

All the best.

Bob R

bbthumper · 08-31-2012, 10:13 AM

In my experience this has definitely been true.Ive never read anything on it, but hear it all the time. THe way I see it, how could I have matured emotionally when I spent most of my time drowning my emotions?
Makes sense to me.

***PaperDolls*** · 08-31-2012, 10:19 AM

Whatever people. I'm a grown up and you're not going to tell me what I should do.

*stomps out of the room, slams door*

But seriously, I've done that more recently than I'd care to admit.

Jeni26 · 08-31-2012, 10:42 AM

That made me laugh Paper Dolls. I have a 16 year old daughter and we seem to do a lot of sulking and stropping about between us. I need to keep reminding myself sharply that I am in actual fact her MOTHER!

Hexipuff · 08-31-2012, 12:54 PM

Mark - Hi

Yep I agree that I was emotional immature when I was drinking
I have been reading a bit more about this recently in 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery: Avoiding Relapse Through Self-awareness and Right Action

I attend AA and use the BB and 12 and 12 for my step work with my sponsor but as with everything I do in life I read a lot around the subject too.
Not everything I have read I relate too but 12 Stupid Things and it's sister book 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone: Choosing Emotional Soriety through Self-Awareness and Right Action both struck a chord with me and my emotional state.

awuh1 · 08-31-2012, 01:24 PM

Recent research has pointed toward evidence that our physical brains develop till our mid 20’s (much longer than previously thought). There are also studies that indicate alcoholics are different “emotionally” from non alcoholics (though this seems to fall into different “clusters” of differences, at least from my perspective).

I think it’s fair to say that most of us are more “emotionally sensitive” than average (hence being increasing likely to develop resentments).

The notion that we “stop maturing” has some truth to it. The time I was drunk I was not gaining life experience and hence was not maturing. To put this in the form of months and years does not make a lot of sense to me however.

DayTrader · 08-31-2012, 03:59 PM

In some areas, I really did and still do have my $hit together. In other areas......lol......we'll just go with "not so much." I don't know about that whole "you stop maturing when you start to drink" deal because I didn't start to REALLY drink alcoholically until my late 20's.

I do see that emotional immaturity is pretty common in AA. Heck, it's pretty common period - alcoholic or not. In alkies though, we seem to have this innate ability to just ignore it, compartmentalize it, pretend it's not there, and go right on with life without changing. For a while, that actually kinda works.....but it's not a good long-term gameplan.

I've found, for me anyway, a lot of the "tools" for living life I use today were crafted back when I was in 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th grades and there have been very little modifications to those techniques. Multiply that out across 30 some odd years of living and you have a pretty big mess of stuff to deal with.

In principle, I GET the saying. In my experience though, it's only partly true. In some areas I'm more immature than I was when I started drinking, some areas I'm at that age I started, others I'm pretty good in, and others still I'm awesome in. The trick in the 4th step is figuring out which ones are which because prior to really digging into my inventory I believed I was a rock-star in ALL areas.

Mark75 · 08-31-2012, 04:24 PM

Awesome DT, said much better than I, but you nailed it for me too.

I think this is one of those constructed paradigms one hears in AA that leaves me only lukewarm... I do feel that it is worth a good long look by anyone who is looking to grow and flourish in recovery... And find whatever truth there that may apply.

spryte · 08-31-2012, 05:56 PM

I don't know the science behind it or whatever but emotionally I am very immature in many ways and I do chalk it up to substance abuse.

Side note- omg I hate typing on a tablet...

Mark75 · 08-31-2012, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spryte

I hate typing on a tablet...

You'll get used to it.

mark201233 · 08-31-2012, 06:41 PM

thanks all for your replies, i might look more into it. it is interesting, i seem to get one really important thing from each meeting-something that jumps out at me. cheers all

tomsteve · 08-31-2012, 06:52 PM

i started drinkin about 13. got sober at 36. emotionally and mentally, i was 13. today i'm 45. some days i feel 20. some i feel 45. some i feel 8.

its all god though. i'll take it.

CarolD · 08-31-2012, 08:58 PM

Welcome Mark...

Glad to know of your sober time...forward is the correct direction..

For emotional growth and balance...I use prayer.

08-31-2012, 07:48 AM	#1 (permalink)
mark201233 Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: glasgow Posts: 3	Emotional age, alcoholism question Hi all, My name is Mark, I am brand new here and 3 and half months sober. I was at an A.A. meeting yesterday and heard something very interesting - We stop maturing emotionally when we start drinking and don't continue growing until we get sober. If you add up the age you were when you started drinking with how long you've been sober that is how old you are emotionally. I am actually 33 years old but if this is true I am emotionally 28 years and 3 months old. Has anyone heard about this and does anyone know more? Does anyone have any links or know of any books where I can find out more about this? Thanks All the best

08-31-2012, 09:01 AM	#4 (permalink)
Jeni26 Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: South East England Posts: 3,927	Oh definitely true. Emotionally I'm a child. I'm starting to grow up now thankfully! __________________ 25th May 2012 was the last time I took a drink. I will never forget it. I don't EVER have to feel like that again.

08-31-2012, 09:12 AM	#5 (permalink)
*PaperDolls* Community Greeter Join Date: May 2004 Location: Midwest Posts: 7,788 Blog Entries: 10	I've heard it too and I think for me, there is some truth to it. You've got 10 years on me with this math. And I'm actually older than you! I do think, in my recovery, some years there is much more growth than other years. So, I'm not going to use that math. I'll just keep focusing on continuing to grow. Not my emotional or real age. That could get depressing. __________________ Advice is like snow; the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. --Samuel T. Coleridg

08-31-2012, 10:09 AM	#8 (permalink)
2granddaughters in my 24th year of sobriety Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get Posts: 4,391	I didn’t have a happy childhood but I am certainly having a long one ..... All the best. Bob R __________________ . . .If you want to drink, that's your business ..... .If you want to quit, that's A.A.'s business. . . --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. . . L.D. 1989

08-31-2012, 10:13 AM	#9 (permalink)
bbthumper Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Cleveland, OH Posts: 1,139	In my experience this has definitely been true.Ive never read anything on it, but hear it all the time. THe way I see it, how could I have matured emotionally when I spent most of my time drowning my emotions? Makes sense to me. __________________ *~BBThumper* ~All Big Book Quotes from the 1st edition A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. C. S. Lewis

08-31-2012, 07:55 AM	#2 (permalink)
Mark75 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,819	I think there is some truth in that... Certainly individual considerations should be made. I didn't think it applied to me, but as I continue in this journey of recovery and sobriety, I am finding that, in some ways, it DOES apply to me. My approach to this, for my own self, is to focus on the program, in all my affairs.... and if I notice emotional growth, which one cannot help but notice, if one is doing the work... then, yea, awesome!

08-31-2012, 08:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
Jasmine1313 Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 22	I have heard this, too, and have definitely witnessed it in a family member. If you google "Addiction and Emotional Stunted growth," you will likely find some articles. I haven't posted enough here to be allowed to insert links

08-31-2012, 09:51 AM	#7 (permalink)
Elisabeth888 Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: NE GA Posts: 1,363	For me it is true because when I drank, I was not coping. I was choosing not to cope. Now I am using the tools of the program (steps) to handle life and this is brand new to me.

08-31-2012, 10:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
*PaperDolls* Community Greeter Join Date: May 2004 Location: Midwest Posts: 7,788 Blog Entries: 10	Whatever people. I'm a grown up and you're not going to tell me what I should do. stomps out of the room, slams door But seriously, I've done that more recently than I'd care to admit. __________________ Advice is like snow; the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. --Samuel T. Coleridg

08-31-2012, 10:42 AM	#11 (permalink)
Jeni26 Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: South East England Posts: 3,927	That made me laugh Paper Dolls. I have a 16 year old daughter and we seem to do a lot of sulking and stropping about between us. I need to keep reminding myself sharply that I am in actual fact her MOTHER! __________________ 25th May 2012 was the last time I took a drink. I will never forget it. I don't EVER have to feel like that again.

08-31-2012, 12:54 PM	#12 (permalink)
Hexipuff Hexipuff Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Kent UK Posts: 369	Mark - Hi Yep I agree that I was emotional immature when I was drinking I have been reading a bit more about this recently in 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery: Avoiding Relapse Through Self-awareness and Right Action I attend AA and use the BB and 12 and 12 for my step work with my sponsor but as with everything I do in life I read a lot around the subject too. Not everything I have read I relate too but 12 Stupid Things and it's sister book 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone: Choosing Emotional Soriety through Self-Awareness and Right Action both struck a chord with me and my emotional state. __________________ I am what I think. Copyright: Women for Sobriety, Inc When my dog winks at me, I always wink back in case it's some sort of code

08-31-2012, 01:24 PM	#13 (permalink)
awuh1 Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 1,104	Recent research has pointed toward evidence that our physical brains develop till our mid 20’s (much longer than previously thought). There are also studies that indicate alcoholics are different “emotionally” from non alcoholics (though this seems to fall into different “clusters” of differences, at least from my perspective). I think it’s fair to say that most of us are more “emotionally sensitive” than average (hence being increasing likely to develop resentments). The notion that we “stop maturing” has some truth to it. The time I was drunk I was not gaining life experience and hence was not maturing. To put this in the form of months and years does not make a lot of sense to me however. __________________ "Anyone who becomes seriously involved in the pursuit of Science becomes convinced that there is a Spirit manifest in the Laws of the Universe; A Spirit, that is superior, to that of man." (Albert Einstein)

08-31-2012, 03:59 PM	#14 (permalink)
DayTrader 12-Step Recovered Alcoholic Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 4,672	In some areas, I really did and still do have my $hit together. In other areas......lol......we'll just go with "not so much." I don't know about that whole "you stop maturing when you start to drink" deal because I didn't start to REALLY drink alcoholically until my late 20's. I do see that emotional immaturity is pretty common in AA. Heck, it's pretty common period - alcoholic or not. In alkies though, we seem to have this innate ability to just ignore it, compartmentalize it, pretend it's not there, and go right on with life without changing. For a while, that actually kinda works.....but it's not a good long-term gameplan. I've found, for me anyway, a lot of the "tools" for living life I use today were crafted back when I was in 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th grades and there have been very little modifications to those techniques. Multiply that out across 30 some odd years of living and you have a pretty big mess of stuff to deal with. In principle, I GET the saying. In my experience though, it's only partly true. In some areas I'm more immature than I was when I started drinking, some areas I'm at that age I started, others I'm pretty good in, and others still I'm awesome in. The trick in the 4th step is figuring out which ones are which because prior to really digging into my inventory I believed I was a rock-star in ALL areas. __________________ "We can't solve our problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein /-all BB quotes-1st. Edition-\

08-31-2012, 04:24 PM	#15 (permalink)
Mark75 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,819	Awesome DT, said much better than I, but you nailed it for me too. I think this is one of those constructed paradigms one hears in AA that leaves me only lukewarm... I do feel that it is worth a good long look by anyone who is looking to grow and flourish in recovery... And find whatever truth there that may apply.

08-31-2012, 05:56 PM	#16 (permalink)
spryte Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 832 Blog Entries: 58	I don't know the science behind it or whatever but emotionally I am very immature in many ways and I do chalk it up to substance abuse. Side note- omg I hate typing on a tablet...

08-31-2012, 06:41 PM	#18 (permalink)
mark201233 Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: glasgow Posts: 3	thanks all for your replies, i might look more into it. it is interesting, i seem to get one really important thing from each meeting-something that jumps out at me. cheers all

08-31-2012, 06:52 PM	#19 (permalink)
tomsteve Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: northern michigan. not the U.P. Posts: 2,883	i started drinkin about 13. got sober at 36. emotionally and mentally, i was 13. today i'm 45. some days i feel 20. some i feel 45. some i feel 8. its all god though. i'll take it. __________________ all big book quotes from 1st edition

08-31-2012, 08:58 PM	#20 (permalink)
CarolD Forward we go...side by side Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie Posts: 37,601	Welcome Mark... Glad to know of your sober time...forward is the correct direction.. For emotional growth and balance...I use prayer. __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

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