13th stepping or?

[AACoffee]

I went to a meeting last week and as I was waiting for it to start I noticed this guy walk in and go up to the secretary of said meeting for a chat. As they were chatting I caught this guy looking at me. A few seconds later I see him come over and sit right next to me, even though there were several available seats. Right after we closed out, he turned to me and started a conversation and introduced himself. I'm asking if this is normal/OK behavior because it's been my experience that guys (at least in the groups I go to) don't sit next to a woman unless he knows her well or has no other options. Also, I don't usually get guys trying to chat with me 1 on 1 after meeting. I should also add that this guy is new, only been clean 6 months (I have almost 3 months). I feel stupid asking this question, but I find it so difficult reading social cues in meetings! I don't want to appear too standoffish, as have been trying to connect with more women in meetings. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[onlythetruth]

I don't think this is a stupid question at all; this is actually a very important thing to be thinking about at recovery meetings. My feeling is that it's best to be safe. Maybe this guy's motivation is completely innocent and he is simply trying to be friendly but...there are men for him to talk to. So rather than worrying about his motive, I'd suggest politely but firmly keeping your distance.

[muvinon]

Introducing himself is polite, to me.

[AACoffee]

yeah see I totally thought he was being polite, but then I started reading this forum again and someone posted something about 13th stepping and it got me thinking. Oi! So confusing.

[2granddaughters]

Do you have a sponsor? What did she say?

All the best.

Bob R

[Freedom55]

In my lengthy history in AA, I have met several men who professed to want to help me, but were really wanting to `help themselves`. I have also met many terrific men whose motives are to work the program,do the steps, live sober both inside the rooms and in their personal lives, and carry the message. It`s hard for a vulnerable newcomer to discern the difference. When I was in my 20s and 30`s, I stuck to some of the `older ladies` (which club I now belong to, lol) and they helped me immensely to recognize which guys to keep at a distance. It`s always a good idea to trust your instincts. I think getting involved with a man in AA when new to the program can jeopardize one`s sobriety and is not worth the chance, so it`s a good idea to err on the side of caution. Stick with the women.

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by lfh4555

I have met several men who professed to want to help me, but were really wanting to `help themselves`.

I have also met many terrific men whose motives are to work the program,do the steps, live sober both inside the rooms and in their personal lives, and carry the message.

I've, honestly, been both of those guys. A couple times, I was both in one day. I doubt anyone new would have known my true motives.

Someone who's been around AA, knows real recovery when they see it, and can tell when someone's working the program to help save a life vs working the program to impress someone would have spotted the difference from 10 yards!

[Kelltic]

I've only had one instance so far of someone trying to "help himself" - and I saw it coming from a mile away. This is where my years of therapy are helpful - I am pretty good at ascertaining motives that way. If your gut is sending you a warning, listen to it.

My home group is large and about 80/20 male/female. I've been reaching out to the females, as well as male old timers with whom I discuss the program. I actually have a sort of AA "dad" - like my own father, he's very religious. I know nothing about his personal life, but I feel very comfortable going to him with spiritual questions. He is part of my sponsor's social circle and I noticed that other people go to him in a similar capacity.

People who are in it to help me stick to discussing mostly the program and don't ask about my personal life unless it's related to something I shared.

[BadCompany]

You can usually pick out the 13th steppers from their habits. They will always be "friendly" toward a certain type(that they are interested in) and not very interested in those they are not interested in. They will just kind of "fish" for the response they are looking for and if they don't get it they move on to their next target.

[Music]

Originally Posted by AACoffee

it's been my experience that guys (at least in the groups I go to) don't sit next to a woman unless he knows her well or has no other options. Also, I don't usually get guys trying to chat with me 1 on 1 after meeting. I should also add that this guy is new, only been clean 6 months (I have almost 3 months).

Well, first off, my dad always said "the only stupid question is the one you don't ask." So, this is not a stiupid question. When I first came to AA I was told about 13th stepping and what it meant. The second thing I was told was to go early and stay late so I could meet people and talk about sobriety so I could learn to get over my insecurities about meeting people. I had a real hard time introducing myself 'cause I knew from my own inner feelings that people just didn't like me. They could tell by looking at me how guilty I was about the rotten things I did while drinking. Question: How does a person get to know people unless he/she meets people and is willing to talk. It's been my experience that both men and women in AA have been around the block a few times and know when they're being hit on. So, was this guy hitting on you or just trying to strike up a conversation? Are your own insecurities keeping you from meeting people and making new friends? How does one go about doing these things unless he/she takes a chance. Granted there are some guys and gals both who are at meetings for purposes other than learning how to get sober but if you pay attention, they tend to stick out like an outhouse in the fog. Trust your senses.

[CarolD]

To me...a person who is into 13th stepping means
they ask for personal information quikly.
As in "do you date? Give me your phone number."
"Let's go back to your place"

That is usually teamed with touches

The same thing as people trying to pick you up in a bar.
More men acted that way to me when we met as drinkers...

[JrsJourney]

In recovery I believe in the concept "men with men" and "women with women". However working the steps and living a program also means learning to live as a healthy person ingeneral. Maybe you found yourself uncomfortable in this situation because you are not aware of how to set a healthy, non-controlling boundary? Boundaries don't always have to be said out loud. A boundary is something you set for yourself and most of mine are internal. You can chose to be polite and chit-chat - there is nothing wrong with that - however maybe you feel you don't want it to progress further than that? And that is fine!! It's okay to say no. In my recovery I have found in the past I said yes a lot when I really wanted to say no. So, if you are worried this male was looking for something more along the lines of a "step 13" then you can say no in a gentle and loving way. You are in this program for yourself - to heal and grow and to stay sober. I strongly suggested discussing this with your sponsor and seeing how she feels about this. If you don't have a sponsor this might be your HP's way of looking at that too. One last thing, it's a very healthy thing to recognize this and ask about it - you've done good!! Keep growing and learning and KEEP COMING BACK Good job!

[RobbyRobot]

Yeah, like others have said, you'll have an awareness of when a guy is hitting on you, and so trust that instinct. Most of the 13th step guys can be seen for what they are because they are the same guys as at the bars, and parties, and so on. They attend AA not for sobriety, but for getting some fun going on. Don't waste your time with such fools. Always make sure you have good relations with the woman in AA, and you'll have no problem with the guys in AA who fly straight and true. Honor is not dead, and you deserve every respect a woman can have and enjoy, no matter your past, no matter your history, you have a total right to require healthy and wholesome respect from males in AA.

There are many good men in AA who will actually seek out 13th Steppers, and make short work of them. I was one of those seekers in AA fellowships, and those 13th step idiots really didn't like me, heh heh, and for good cause, lol.

[Justfor1]

Perhaps you can go to a few women AA meetings? However, I have seen & found that co-ed meetings are usually the best. Yes there is the potential for 13th stepping but it is good & interesting to hear both women & men in recovering. A serious question, "men with men & women with women" but what if you are gay?

[Jeni26]

My sponsor says she's seen a lot of this in her time in AA. I'm not sure I would recognise it unless it was obvious. My brain during meetings is totally switched on to what I can learn there, and I'm not wary about being spoken to by either men or women in the group. Unless it involved the sort of approach one would get at a bar or party I would naturally assume it was an attempt to help me feel welcome and at ease. I pity the poor guy attempting to 13th step me, he would have to put in a lot of effort before he was rebuffed!

[Kelltic]

Justfor1, good points! I go to a women's meeting at 3 on Sundays and stay for my 5 o'clock home group. I like the women's meeting - it's small and they are supportive. The thought of a women's meeting scared me so I make myself go. However, I prefer coed meetings.

My area has gay/lesbian meetings, but I noticed that they are billed as gay/lesbian rather than LGBTQ, which bothers me. I don't know if people who are bisexual or transgendered are welcome.

[NYCDoglvr]

Part of recovery is learning about boundaries. If you don't want to sit next to someone say you're saving it for a friend.

[JrsJourney]

I go to many co-ed meetings but my home group is an all women group and my sponsor is female. I was just going to address the question asked about homosexuality. My son is gay and he goes to both types of meetings. I guess it just depends on what you are comfortable with- there is no right or wrong- just what you are most comfortable with on your own private journey. With regards to this topic and the 13 steppers...I could possibly be using this (only fully opening myself up to other women) to protect myself? Hmm not sure but thanks for asking and making me think. I will have to ask my HP for guidance on this.

[muvinon]

What I don't quite get is the idea that we don't have our own goal in being in AA. It doesn't bug me that some guy tried to ask me out at 7 months sober and kept saying, "You've got a year, right?"

I mean....I so seriously wasn't ready or interested in dating. Ask away! I'm still going to look at like, "Are you that nuts? I just have managed to get my dishes washed! Next up, the credit card companies would like some money!"

I mean, really........who in their right mind would want anyone who is newly sober? Nobody I want to be with.

[Db1105]

As others have said, trust your instincts. I also would like to add that I got sober in my teens so socialization with other people in the program was very important. Recovery gave me the oppurtunity to develope some great friendships with members of the opposit sex. From going to the movies, AA events, the beach, camping, skiing, rafting, clubs, etc.etc,. We'd go on trips sharing a rooms, share confidences, in other words, real friends.

Sure three was sexual tension at times, especially when we go together to dances, and not meet anyone. But why complicate a good thing. We all eventually got into relationships, had kids, and are living normal lives.

The male/male female//female sponsorships and shy away from relationships for a year are just suggestions based on a lot of others experience. Sobriety is much easier for the long term by building a solid foundation of recovery from the beginning and concentrating on getting One's self better. The Twelve Steps showed me how to do that. The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous taught me how to treat everyone equally, and with respect. When I see someone in the room sitting by them self, I'm going to sit next to them and introduce myself.