Playing the victim...How to stop it! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

candi7 · 08-24-2012, 06:57 PM

Working on my 4th step and writing it out... I'm finding that I've played the victim often from what happened mostly in my past. HOW do I stop this pattern of behavior.. just want some input...

BadCompany · 08-24-2012, 07:02 PM

What's the payoff from playing the victim?

UpperbucksAAguy · 08-24-2012, 07:07 PM

Page 67 of the Big Book offers some help, the rest of the instructions of the Big Book on the 4th step also help

"We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB page 68)

Or more directly in relation to what you are talking about:

"We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol."(BB page 66)

"Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the
other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white." (BB page 67)

candi7 · 08-24-2012, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BadCompany

What's the payoff from playing the victim?

It's something I was doing and not realizing it, then I attracted people who are not always out for my best interest.. Now I'm aware of this and want help...

candi7 · 08-24-2012, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UpperbucksAAguy

Page 67 of the Big Book offers some help, the rest of the instructions of the Big Book on the 4th step also help

"We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB page 68)

Or more directly in relation to what you are talking about:

"We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol."(BB page 66)

"Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the
other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white." (BB page 67)

Thank you.

BadCompany · 08-24-2012, 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by candi7

It's something I was doing and not realizing it, then I attracted people who are not always out for my best interest.. Now I'm aware of this and want help...

We don't do self destructive things because we are self destructive idiots. We do them because there is a payoff.

When playing the victim there might be the joy of wallowing in self pity. There is the comfort of deferring responsibility for the mess our lives have become, We will even get a smug self-righteousness from the situation.

This is the nasty little rub. We must identify and be willing to let go of these payoffs.

I want to be rid of my anger but I like the superior feeling I feel when I relive my resentments. I want to be rid of my dishonesty but I don't want anyone to know who I really am. I want to be rid of my pride but I still want to feel like a big shot. I want to be rid of my sloth but I don't want to get off of my fat butt.

Until I am willing to let go of these payoffs that have protected me for so long I will retain the defects that hurt me so much.

UpperbucksAAguy · 08-24-2012, 07:31 PM

I played the victim because I didn't know any better. When I started on my 4th step these things were exposed to the light of the day. I did not want to do these things but did not know how not to. The steps did not solve them, they made the problem solvable

tomsteve · 08-24-2012, 07:31 PM

for me, it was what Upperbucks pointed out. i removed the other person entirely and took accountability for my part. i had a sponsor, the Big Book, and pen and paper to see my part.
it helped me see just how sick i was

candi7 · 08-24-2012, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BadCompany

We don't do self destructive things because we are self destructive idiots. We do them because there is a payoff.

When playing the victim there might be the joy of wallowing in self pity. There is the comfort of deferring responsibility for the mess our lives have become, We will even get a smug self-righteousness from the situation.

This is the nasty little rub. We must identify and be willing to let go of these payoffs.

I want to be rid of my anger but I like the superior feeling I feel when I relive my resentments. I want to be rid of my dishonesty but I don't want anyone to know who I really am. I want to be rid of my pride but I still want to feel like a big shot. I want to be rid of my sloth but I don't want to get off of my fat butt.

Until I am willing to let go of these payoffs that have protected me for so long I will retain the defects that hurt me so much.

Got it, thanks, I appreciate it.

candi7 · 08-24-2012, 07:57 PM

Thanks for the imput... Upperbucks and tom...

Boleo · 08-24-2012, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by candi7

HOW do I stop this pattern of behavior.. just want some input...

Spiritual growth is the direct result of walking through fear, adversity and failure from the perspective as a student rather than from the perspective of a victim. That which does not kill me makes me stronger if I see where it is giving me the strength to endure want and pain.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional."

candi7 · 08-25-2012, 04:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boleo

Spiritual growth is the direct result of walking through fear, adversity and failure from the perspective as a student rather than from the perspective of a victim. That which does not kill me makes me stronger if I see where it is giving me the strength to endure want and pain.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional."

It's so true.. In sobriety I find myself seeking answers like a student, I don't want to remain a victim, I want to grow and learn. Thank you so much!

Kelltic · 08-25-2012, 06:07 AM

Candi, I pray.

If you told me two weeks ago I would be praying all the time I would have laughed. I pray a lot.

2granddaughters · 08-25-2012, 06:09 AM

I often say to myself "What would a normal person do in a case like this ??".......

Being the victim was easy for me as I was not responsible for the outcome... YOU were.
I didn't have to do the work of investigating, analyzing and deciding.... I just drank and whined and complained.

You're doing great, candi, all the best.

Bob R

Tommyh · 08-25-2012, 07:59 AM

start taking responsibility for every drop of alcohol you drank and every thing you did
do not blame anything or anyone for anything

NYCDoglvr · 08-25-2012, 12:38 PM

When a problem comes up ask yourself: "What's my part in this?" For me feeling like a victim is a very negative experience because it limits my ability to deal with problems. Can't tolerate resentments either. Asking this helps bring my part of the problem to the forefront. For example, if I bring someone into my life who is verbally abusive, my part is that I choose that person.

muvinon · 08-26-2012, 06:32 PM

That's a big question. I have continued to grow in my own ability to take care of myself better in the moment.

That means......I don't set myself up so much for others to play games.

And the result has been that those types move on to easier prey, and I have friends who don't really need to work out their issues on me anymore.

But growing to that? It took lots of support, lots of willingness, and a very loving higher power.

candi7 · 08-27-2012, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelltic

Candi, I pray.

If you told me two weeks ago I would be praying all the time I would have laughed. I pray a lot.

Now that I'm on my 4th step and went through the 3rd, I'm having to do this all the time! Thanks

candi7 · 08-27-2012, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2granddaughters

I often say to myself "What would a normal person do in a case like this ??".......

Being the victim was easy for me as I was not responsible for the outcome... YOU were.
I didn't have to do the work of investigating, analyzing and deciding.... I just drank and whined and complained.

You're doing great, candi, all the best.

Bob R

That's true, thank you for the encouragement..

candi7 · 08-27-2012, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tommyh

start taking responsibility for every drop of alcohol you drank and every thing you did
do not blame anything or anyone for anything

Yep, I've made some major changes in my life-having to get that mentality behind me.. thank you

08-24-2012, 06:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
candi7 Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Florida Posts: 316 Blog Entries: 5	Playing the victim...How to stop it! Working on my 4th step and writing it out... I'm finding that I've played the victim often from what happened mostly in my past. HOW do I stop this pattern of behavior.. just want some input...

08-24-2012, 07:02 PM	#2 (permalink)
BadCompany Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Kansas Posts: 775	What's the payoff from playing the victim? __________________ All quotes are from the Alcoholics Anonymous.1st Edition "Lord, take me where you want me to go, let me meet who you want me to meet, tell me what you want me to say, and keep me out of your way." - Fr. Michal Judge.

08-24-2012, 07:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
UpperbucksAAguy Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 464	Page 67 of the Big Book offers some help, the rest of the instructions of the Big Book on the 4th step also help "We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB page 68) Or more directly in relation to what you are talking about: "We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol."(BB page 66) "Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white." (BB page 67) __________________ All Big Book quotes are from first Edition -

08-24-2012, 07:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
UpperbucksAAguy Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 464	I played the victim because I didn't know any better. When I started on my 4th step these things were exposed to the light of the day. I did not want to do these things but did not know how not to. The steps did not solve them, they made the problem solvable __________________ All Big Book quotes are from first Edition -

08-24-2012, 07:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
tomsteve Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: northern michigan. not the U.P. Posts: 2,925	for me, it was what Upperbucks pointed out. i removed the other person entirely and took accountability for my part. i had a sponsor, the Big Book, and pen and paper to see my part. it helped me see just how sick i was __________________ all big book quotes from 1st edition

08-24-2012, 07:57 PM	#10 (permalink)
candi7 Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Florida Posts: 316 Blog Entries: 5	Thanks for the imput... Upperbucks and tom...

08-25-2012, 06:07 AM	#13 (permalink)
Kelltic Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: NY Posts: 117 Blog Entries: 2	Candi, I pray. If you told me two weeks ago I would be praying all the time I would have laughed. I pray a lot.

08-25-2012, 06:09 AM	#14 (permalink)
2granddaughters in my 24th year of sobriety Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get Posts: 4,396	I often say to myself "What would a normal person do in a case like this ??"....... Being the victim was easy for me as I was not responsible for the outcome... YOU were. I didn't have to do the work of investigating, analyzing and deciding.... I just drank and whined and complained. You're doing great, candi, all the best. Bob R __________________ . . .If you want to drink, that's your business ..... .If you want to quit, that's A.A.'s business. . . --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. . . L.D. 1989

08-25-2012, 07:59 AM	#15 (permalink)
Tommyh Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 18,953	start taking responsibility for every drop of alcohol you drank and every thing you did do not blame anything or anyone for anything

08-25-2012, 12:38 PM	#16 (permalink)
NYCDoglvr Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: New York, NY Posts: 2,541	When a problem comes up ask yourself: "What's my part in this?" For me feeling like a victim is a very negative experience because it limits my ability to deal with problems. Can't tolerate resentments either. Asking this helps bring my part of the problem to the forefront. For example, if I bring someone into my life who is verbally abusive, my part is that I choose that person.

08-26-2012, 06:32 PM	#17 (permalink)
muvinon Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Houston Texas Posts: 514	That's a big question. I have continued to grow in my own ability to take care of myself better in the moment. That means......I don't set myself up so much for others to play games. And the result has been that those types move on to easier prey, and I have friends who don't really need to work out their issues on me anymore. But growing to that? It took lots of support, lots of willingness, and a very loving higher power.

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