How do I learn acceptance?

[Jeni26]

I'm still firmly entrenched in my old patterns of behaviour of wanting, needing to 'fix' things for other people.
I understand with my rational head that I am powerless. I accept I have a HP and that it's not want I want that's important. Maybe it's down to my ego, thinking I am able impose my will over others.
I don't know. But this is stalling my recovery.
My family is rife with alcoholism, and I just cannot let go of that anxiety of wanting to make everything ok.
I'm 80 days sober today, but yesterday was really tough. I almost relapsed and it's all down to those old feelings of guilt watching others struggle and bearing their journeys on top of my own.
I'm not sure this even makes sense but I know I'm very vulnerable to relapse at this point.

[awuh1]

When I encounter other people’s problems I will typically ask myself what I might do to be helpful.

Being helpful is most certainly a good thing but I find it essential to be respectful while doing so. Solving other people’s problems for them is often disrespectful. First of all it presumes that I know what is best for someone. It also presumes I know more about the problem than the person who is experiencing it. Next it presumes I have the “best” solution. Finally it assumes that the person is not capable of finding their own solution.

I find it best to assist people in finding answers to their problems. To be respectful I (nearly always) find it necessary get their permission to help. I try to see things from their point of view, then take it from there.

Sometimes it is more respectful (an even more kind) to allow someone to fail as they seek their own solution than to find it for them or try to force something on them.

This, however, makes the impending failure no less easy to watch.

The power of just the right words, at just the right time, should never be underestimated, and I find that the power of example often brings about the most fundamental, and lasting change.

[hypochondriac]

Well done on 80 days Jeni

I know for me I have a tendency to want to help other people sort their problems out. I've always been like that but it's worse now I have actually sorted a few of my own problems out. I'm officially perfect now and everyone should do stuff just like me When I read page 60/61 in the big book it made me laugh so much because that is me. I can't remember where I read it but 'clean up your own side of the street' is a phrase I repeat to myself often.

I hope you are okay x

[Sugah]

The housecleaning steps (4-9) helped me a lot.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Jeni26]

Thankyou. I've played the role of the mediator/counsellor for so long with my family that they think I have all the answers. And there's a big part of me that sort of believed it. They do not know of my alcoholism or that I'm in recovery, and to them I'm viewed as the strong one, which I most definitely am not.
I need to step out of this role as I can see now that it is counter-productive for us all. I somehow need to strengthen my faith in, that by doing so, I'm not going to be responsible for their world collapsing around them.
I have no power. I've accepted that. I just need to let go of the guilt I guess.

[Db1105]

What helped me accepting others was saying The Serenity Prayer. I don't know how many millions of time I've said it. All I know is that it helps me to step away from that feeling that I can change others.

[tomsteve]

jeni, its time to throw out the arse kickin machine. its good ya wanna change, but ya gotta take it easy. ya didnt get here overnight and its not an overnight matter to get weller.
you have made a lot of progress in the short time you have been in recovery. you are facing everything in life and learning how to face it as a sober, responsible person instead of avoiding it or gettin drunk.

"I'm not going to be responsible for their world collapsing around them.
I have no power. I've accepted that. I just need to let go of the guilt I guess. "

IMO, there is a choice you can make, and it can be difficult to make: stay around em and love em to death, or step away, hope and pray they see the problem, then if/when they decide to get help, step back in and love em to life.
this doesnt mean you dont love em, just that yer not gonna enable em to continue the same behavior that got em where they are, and enabling goes against the principles of the 12 steps of AA.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant cange
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.


you may also want to inform them about your choice of recovery. maybe a good talk about what alcohol was doin for you, why you decided to get into recovery, and how it is helping you now.

[Eddiebuckle]

Originally Posted by Jeni26

Maybe it's down to my ego, thinking I am able impose my will over others.

Jeni,

Congratulations on 80 days! This is something that I struggle with too. I am able to intellectually understand that I was powerless but at times I have almost pavlovian responses to situations that will drive me absolutely nuts.

My work situation was one example: although I knew that I am not the boss of the organization in which I work, my attitude and frustrations belied this statement. I would rail against decisions made that adversely affect the project I am working on (ie we have about 25% of the resources we need, at the same time management is obsessed that the schedule is going to h*ll in a handbasket). I have pointed out what we need to bring the project back on track to no avail but cannot sleep as deadlines slip by and shoddy rushed work is given to me to approve for our customer. Essentially I am acting as though I can singlehandledly bring this to rights... that I am in control.

I think a lot of the emotional pain that we experience is the result of subtle lies we tell ourselves. On a superficial level we acknowledge that we are powerless, but deep down we are acting (and expecting) as though our view of the outcome is the only acceptable result - and get all bent out of shape when it doesn't come to pass, which is exactly what you wrote above: thinking I am able impose my will over others.

This is one reason why AA talks about tacking sobriety one day at a time. Try to limit your focus on the here and now, not the actions or outcomes for others to take or that will happen sometime in the future. It is hard enough to not drink - try to limit your energy to those things you truly can change and let the rest take care of themselves.

Good luck, keep up the good work!

Edd

[Jeni26]

Thanks. Wasn't aware I had an arse kicking machine, that did make me laugh!
I just want to get this right I guess. I question everything and analyse everything I do and say in case there are repercussions and it will be my fault!!
I'm not finding this very easy at all. I want to hand everything over to my HP but I'm too worried He won't get it right, and then I'll be well and truly in the sh1t!!

[Jeni26]

Eddiebuckle-I can so relate to that feeling at work. I try to single-handedly run the show too which leads to frustrations and resentments. Guess I'm guilty of not living in the day, that is very true. I'm carrying a burden which is totally ridiculous. I say the serenity prayer every morning, but guess I've got to listen as I'm saying it!!

[hypochondriac]

Have you thought about telling your family about your recovery too Jeni? I'm not saying it would necessarily fix anything but it might help change the dynamic slightly. I know that I have been reluctant to let other people see my vulnerabilities but it isn't always a bad thing. And maybe you know, you could lead by example. Maybe your family haven't considered not drinking as an option and you could be a role model for that. Even if they don't take it on board immediately at least they will see that another option is available x

[Jeni26]

No that isn't an option. We don't talk about stuff! We drink (or drank in my case), and deal with the aftermath!

[tomsteve]

[QUOTE=Jeni26;3531460]
I just want to get this right I guess. I question everything and analyse everything I do and say in case there are repercussions and it will be my fault!!
I'm not finding this very easy at all.
welp, learning to live sober is simple, but it aint easy. we got mountains to climb and it is better to climb em that go around em. i usually ended up lust goin round and round the same mountain, til i changed my course and trudged over em.

paralysis by analysis. we are pretty good at that. i had to accept i am human. i will make mistakes along the way. i dont know everything and dont have to. it takes too much work to try and know everything and saying" i dont know" really aint that hard. just takes prctice.

" I want to hand everything over to my HP but I'm too worried He won't get it right."


welp, heres 2 choices for ya on that:
1) change yer perception of yer HP
or
2) use mine. He rocks!!!

took me quite a few bumps and bruises along the journey, and i still get em just not as many, to learn when it is my will and when it is His will i am doing.

sobriety takes T.I.M.E.
yer doin good to be wanting so much, but dont forget to take it easy and see how far you have already come.

[2granddaughters]

Originally Posted by Jeni26

No that isn't an option. We don't talk about stuff! We drink (or drank in my case), and deal with the aftermath!

Everything is an option, Jeni, and change comes when we see and practice the better choices.

Learning acceptance is like learning the piano. Take lessons and practice.

All the best.

Bob R

[Tommyh]

focus on the steps,the guilt and other stuff will take care of itself in time
instead of running the show,try being of service to others,and count it as a blessing
saying the serenity prayer is good,but have you prayed for the obsession to drink to be lifted?

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by Jeni26

I'm still firmly entrenched in my old patterns of behavior of wanting, needing to 'fix' things for other people.

But this is stalling my recovery.

I'm 80 days sober today, but yesterday was really tough. I almost relapsed and it's all down to those old feelings of guilt watching others struggle and bearing their journeys on top of my own.

First, I'll toss out some BB references (MY underlining):

Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.


Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do? The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves

we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children.

IMO, acceptance is learned not necessarily by "learning about acceptance." Sure, that can work......but this is a 12-step recovery program we're trying to work so let's see how we can apply the steps to this dilemma. That's what we do, right?

Those "old behaviors," they're part of the insanity and unmanageability in step 1. They're examples of us playing God.....and you're right to be concerned. You've got a technique for living.....and it's not working.... aka, it's not powerful enough. So we recognize that it's not working and move on.

Ok, so we have it defined...now we look at step 2 and either believe or become willing to believe that a Power Greater than us can restore us to sane thinking. You've tried to stop these behaviors......yet you can't. So the question is, can you create any sort of Greater Power that could stop it for you?

Assuming you can apply steps 1 and 2 above, it's step 3 time. Start with the 3rd step REQUIREMENT: Are you convinced that life, as you've designed it and as you're running it, can hardly be a success? If you can, than it's easy to see that your troubles are of your own making and it's time to stop playing God. It's decision time......time to decide that God's in control, not you.

If you can do all that, you've got a heck of a start on this resentment..... this continued re-feeling that you can and need to fix ppl and/or things. In the 4th step, we handle resentments like this by writing them down, further defining them, and then proceeding on to the 5th step......6th step......and so on.

See, the 12 steps are a set of tools. We take our problems, lay them out, and pick up the tools and go to work. You'll be amazed before you're halfway through.......

and FWIW, I've had to re-tool MY conception of God about a 1000x. Don't ya know, I had a weak God, one who couldn't fix anything, didn't care much about me, didn't know about jobs or sex or relationships or etc. And when I've got a weak do-nothing God, I'M the one who "has" to play God......a roll I seemed to really get off on. But, as #3 says, it hasn't worked.

[DayTrader]

^^^^ That's the mechanical / 12-step method (in my opinion).

in addition (this is step 11 stuff)....you can pray for acceptance. Pray for the ability to not feel you need to direct the lives of others. Pray for the ability to recognize something much bigger than you already has that job.....

*WARNING* (lol........) When I'VE prayed for things like PATIENCE, ACCEPTANCE, UNDERSTANDING....... more often than not, a magic wand wasn't waved and I was given the instant gift of patience, acceptance, or understanding. What has happened is this: I've been given the "opportunity" to practice patience..... (or understanding, or whatever).

Here's how it looks: I notice I'm really judgmental lately (for example). I'm sitting on some self-created throne and I'm judging other AA ppl, meetings, co-workers, girlfriends, or whomever. I "come to" and realize these actions. I apply step 1 and see it as my current unmanageability. I accept this as my reality but also accept that it's got to go or my serenity is threatened......and eventually my sobriety is threatened. So I get willing....and decide.....etc etc etc..... and when I hit 7 I ask God to remove it from me.

Here's the interesting twist...... usually, what happens next, is...... real soon, some other "situation" pops up that requires me to be patient, or understanding, or accepting. Guess what? At that moment....I don't feel like being accepting/patient/loving/etc. But.....I asked for it to be removed and here I've got the chance to practice it. A lot of the time, especially at first and in the early stages, the best I can do is "act as if." ie, act as IF I'm patient....or understanding.....or accepting. I either pass or fail........then wash, rinse, repeat a number of times. Sometimes I "catch on" pretty quickly. In other words, I change. Other times, it takes me lots of practice (lol). Lots of failing, lots of starting over again. Lots of trying.

God's job is to remove the defect (not mine.....). My job is to act as He would want me to act.... to "be" as He would have me. Quite the challenge for someone like me who's accustomed to only acting the way I want to act.....or feel like acting.....or think I should act.....

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by Jeni26

Eddiebuckle-I can so relate to that feeling at work. I try to single-handedly run the show too which leads to frustrations and resentments.

"All expectations are seeds for resentments."
- Lao Tzu

IMO the real goal of recovery and spirituality in general, is to learn that both happiness and misery are an inside job. By detaching from the outcome of events I have come to realize that I need never be disappointed. I simply stop prejudging the outcome of the next event and let God be the final authority on future outcomes.

"Be still, and know that I am God."
- Psalm 46:10

[Tommyh]

god job DT

reminds me of
Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?

Originally Posted by DayTrader

^^^^ That's the mechanical / 12-step method (in my opinion).

in addition (this is step 11 stuff)....you can pray for acceptance. Pray for the ability to not feel you need to direct the lives of others. Pray for the ability to recognize something much bigger than you already has that job.....

*WARNING* (lol........) When I'VE prayed for things like PATIENCE, ACCEPTANCE, UNDERSTANDING....... more often than not, a magic wand wasn't waved and I was given the instant gift of patience, acceptance, or understanding. What has happened is this: I've been given the "opportunity" to practice patience..... (or understanding, or whatever).

Here's how it looks: I notice I'm really judgmental lately (for example). I'm sitting on some self-created throne and I'm judging other AA ppl, meetings, co-workers, girlfriends, or whomever. I "come to" and realize these actions. I apply step 1 and see it as my current unmanageability. I accept this as my reality but also accept that it's got to go or my serenity is threatened......and eventually my sobriety is threatened. So I get willing....and decide.....etc etc etc..... and when I hit 7 I ask God to remove it from me.

Here's the interesting twist...... usually, what happens next, is...... real soon, some other "situation" pops up that requires me to be patient, or understanding, or accepting. Guess what? At that moment....I don't feel like being accepting/patient/loving/etc. But.....I asked for it to be removed and here I've got the chance to practice it. A lot of the time, especially at first and in the early stages, the best I can do is "act as if." ie, act as IF I'm patient....or understanding.....or accepting. I either pass or fail........then wash, rinse, repeat a number of times. Sometimes I "catch on" pretty quickly. In other words, I change. Other times, it takes me lots of practice (lol). Lots of failing, lots of starting over again. Lots of trying.

God's job is to remove the defect (not mine.....). My job is to act as He would want me to act.... to "be" as He would have me. Quite the challenge for someone like me who's accustomed to only acting the way I want to act.....or feel like acting.....or think I should act.....

[Lily]

Jeni,

I can sooo hear you and sooo relate. It is sooo painful to see your family suffering. I think my breaking point came just recently. I sent my sister a very heart felt letter and even though I was telling her all of the wonderful things that had happened to me since finding recovery and getting sober, my motives were for her to jump on board with me. Instead, she called me up, told me off and I cried.

That was my turning point. I can do nothing for her. I am 100% powerless, I can pray for her, but I have had to separate myself from her behavior now.

I love her, but in a loving detachment sort of way.

I pray you get this clarity as well.

blessings, Lily