I'm in a bad way

[LegalLady]

Everyone, I'm in a bad way. I haven't drank yet, and I spent a lot of time going back to meetings and talking a lot with my sponsor. I can't understand why I"m so messed up after 4 1/2 years. Everything I was doing suddenly seems like a waste of time. Anyone ever go through this. I'm told they do. Anyone ever go back to worrying about people, places and things until you get almost nuts. Anyone ever just get tired of trying to do the next right thing. Anyone ever screw up in the program without drinking but just with your actions. I feel like I don't belong anymore and I feel when I talk about it I should know better. We read at a 12 & 12, Step 10 and in there it said ". . . we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoiil before serenity" That is where I am right now. All this emotional turmoil but no serenity. Anyone ever feel that is not working after you felt that it was. Anyone ever lose the prayer and meditation and not even know why.

[RobbyRobot]

Yeah, I've been where you are now many times in my 31 yrs of unbroken sobriety. It wasn't pretty during those difficult times, yet they do pass, and things can be done to help those trying times pass quickly as possible.

Don't think you're an exception, or you've somehow missed whatever.... don't reproach yourself, you'll only feel worse, and for no better advantage.

In fact, have even greater care with being kind to yourself, is my good word to you, speaking from my own experiences with the same kind of struggles and challenges.

[RobbyRobot]

Originally Posted by LegalLady

Everyone, I'm in a bad way. I haven't drank yet, and I spent a lot of time going back to meetings and talking a lot with my sponsor. I can't understand why I"m so messed up after 4 1/2 years.

You haven't drank yet is not a great way to support yourself, okay? You know, you may not be as messed up as you think. I don't want to minalise your fears, but I wonder why a person with 4.5 years is so against themselves?

[LegalLady]

[QUOTE or you've somehow missed whatever.... . [/QUOTE]

That is it exactly.

[RobbyRobot]

Originally Posted by RobbyRobot

...or you've somehow missed whatever.... .

Originally Posted by LegalLady

That is it exactly.

Great!

Can you speak more to this understanding ?

[BadCompany]

Yep. Sounds like a spiritual flat spot. It will pass. Working with others usually helps a lot.

[2granddaughters]

Originally Posted by LegalLady

Everyone, I'm in a bad way. I haven't drank yet, and I spent a lot of time going back to meetings and talking a lot with my sponsor. I can't understand why I"m so messed up after 4 1/2 years. Everything I was doing suddenly seems like a waste of time. Anyone ever go through this. I'm told they do. Anyone ever go back to worrying about people, places and things until you get almost nuts. Anyone ever just get tired of trying to do the next right thing. Anyone ever screw up in the program without drinking but just with your actions. I feel like I don't belong anymore and I feel when I talk about it I should know better. We read at a 12 & 12, Step 10 and in there it said ". . . we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoiil before serenity" That is where I am right now. All this emotional turmoil but no serenity. Anyone ever feel that is not working after you felt that it was. Anyone ever lose the prayer and meditation and not even know why.

Perhaps Don C. can put it in perspective for you. 4 Seasons of Recovery - YouTube

Your sponsor and the oldtimers should be able to explain the "stages" we go through. I'm coming up on my 6th 4yr cycle

How "well' do you think you should feel? You think you should be "cured" ?... you shouldn't struggle ?

All the best.

Bob R

[LegalLady]

Well I started out hating it like I always did. I spent the first 7 months going to meetings many times a day cause I was unemployed. Got a sponsor a job worked the steps did service work, sponsored. However I had a few things in between there. My first sponsor was not helpful so I through myself into service work. My sponsor now told me I needed recovery and I went through the steps again and a big book study. I had an incident with someone with long-term sobriety that was embarrassing to me. With things he said and wanted to do. Then from there I started watching people with long term sobriety and how they acted and noticed some of them were weird (hence my post about confidence and arrogance) I've talked to my sponsor a lot about this. I was working with a pastor who had asked me to talk with his wife about her drinking and I did. At first I told him I did not think I should do that but then I thought I should be helping the fellow alcoholic. So I talked with her, he asked me what I thought. I said I can't tell you about our conversation, AND HERE IS MY MISTAKE. I said, however in relationships both the drinking and the nondrinker may have some control issues. So he blew up at me, Said I worship an AA book and was not the person he thought I was. So, there I had a person in AA and a Pastor and I just felt worthless as always. I'm sure I"m leaving something out. What upsets me is all of this happened like months ago. I put them on my prayer list and I guess I had expectations. Anyway, I have a great sponsor who tells me things to do, but now for some reason, I feel like what's the point. I should have known how to deal with all this better. And I get just as upset. I even started to do some behavior that I never had done sober and only drunk. Now I"m SOBER doing it. I spent all night crying on the phone with my sponsor and felts stupid. I had to confess a lot things and wanted to start over like I relapsed. She asked if I did any mind altering substances and I had not, but I told her I feel hung over and I've acted in ways that I only did drunk. I'm just going on and on. I'm kinda scared.

[2granddaughters]

You know in "How It Works" where it says 'We stood at the turning point, we asked his protection and care with complete abandon'.... I believe you are standing there now. I know I have several times over the years.

You know how old married couple sometimes "renew" their wedding vows?.... I renewed my AA vows and carried on. It's worked so far.

You will be fine LL... faith and trust ... and stay on the beam. This too shall pass.
Try not to believe too much of your own B.S. right now which will likely be a hard thing to do.

All the best.

Bob R

[RobbyRobot]

Thanks for a great insightful share, LegalLady.

I hear you, and I can easily relate, and understand your share, no problemo.

I hear you blaming yourself into a very difficult and lonely guilt trip, based on how you've interpreted your stated sober experiences. I've been there too, and for me it happened when I experienced a breaking of trust with people I admired, and depended on for important things in my life.

I hope you can hear me say you're tripping out on guilt that is being justified, and because its justified, its not worth the panic, or the pain.

You deserve so much better!!

[LegalLady]

So, this is not unusual? I hear a lot of people who sound like they are always with it.
I never had that pink cloud people got. I used to want one. But now I'm kinda glad I didn't or the crash and burn would be worse and I really can't imagine it worse.

[bbthumper]

I just recently hit 4 years. I was feeling similar. I found that going through the work of steps 4 through 9 again to be extremely helpful. It was amazing the amount of stuff, both old and new, that dug up and found was blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit.

[BadCompany]

Originally Posted by LegalLady

I had to confess a lot things and wanted to start over like I relapsed.

Going back and revisiting the steps is never a bad idea.

[sugarbear1]

I don't have your years of sobriety, but is it time to find another sponsor? I only suggest this as my sponsor lets me know that they must consistently grow in their conscious contact with their higher power as they keep getting more "sober time" in their life....kinda like staying ahead of their alcoholISM and keeping their ego in check.

Work the steps again (my sponsor does it every 2 years or less) and maybe read The Spirituality of Imperfection. Keep working with newcomers, you have something we want; Time away from drinking.

Hugs & love,

[RobbyRobot]

Originally Posted by LegalLady

So, this is not unusual? I hear a lot of people who sound like they are always with it.
I never had that pink cloud people got. I used to want one. But now I'm kinda glad I didn't or the crash and burn would be worse and I really can't imagine it worse.

Its not unusual, that's so right.

Do pay attention to detail though as your sober years advance. In the early years we have so much obvious work to do. In the later years, we must be sharper and more descisive simply because we deepen as persons, and so "things" are not readily obvious on the suface of our lives. Deep waters are often still. Don't hesitant to dive in and discover for yourself just how wonderfully sober a person you have become in 4.5 years of recovery, despite all your challenges.

[2granddaughters]

We do tend to compare our insides with other folks outsides ....

I feel like crap but you look like you are doing great. Know what I mean ??!!

All the best.

Bob R

[CarolD]

I've found working with new members keeps me growing.
Prayers are great for my emotional balance.

Mega and prayers coming your way LL

[shaun00]

Maybe i was meant to read this.
I pray often that my experience can be of use to others.
My experience is a painful unravelling ..around about 10 years +
This maybe no use to you, it may be what bad company called a spiritual flat spot...ive had some in recovery...a kinda drifting around, not feeling a divine connection....

My experience at ten + years was different......i drifted away from from my spiritual weeding/cultivation ....to me 10 , 11 , 12.
Things became quite dark over a period of maybe 18 months....plagued with depression, swallowed a big lie and tried to live with it...gather a few resentments, and a bucket load of fears and ran with it....

Im saying all that because now i see it as clear as crystal...at the time i was surrounded by idiots, do gooders....why don't they just stay out of my frigging business......i couldn't pray....it was just empty words blowing in the wind.

I romanced the idea of suicide ..... i had the pills.
i think i was just a month or two past my 11th sobriety birthday and my problems seemed impossible to solve.

I have a pal.....a solid big book pal....id avoided him for a good while.
i sent one text....and it said ......BANG IN TROUBLE !
The pal was in a meeting...walked out of the meeting and called....and came straight round.....i could hardly talk....sobbed and spewed my sorry woes.

He a straight talking guy....thats why he is a pal....he tells me what he thinks, not what i want to hear.
After some time...he opened his book.......crossed out the word "we" of alcoholics anonymous and put a big fat "I"

Shaun was the power...a very very painful place to be....for this alcoholic anyhow.
We spent the next 9-12 days going through the work again...completely.
Out spewed some resentments......Bucket loads of fears....and a fair number of amends......
The truth lay before me in black and white......i was ashamed...how did it ever come to this.....was i really that asleep....oh yes, and some.
Id fallen asleep,...this insipid illness told me i was fine, its all the others...

And today.......i feel re-born again, i feel god right there by my side...miss, i cant explain how wonderful i feel most of the time, i am wide awake again and life really has new meaning...a brand new experience instead of living off an old one.
Due to the care of another alcoholic i reckon i have a good chance of reaching my 12th sobriety birthday soon, with some new understandings and gratitude.

Maybe this post will help, who knows.......i pray you find your truths and some peace .

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by LegalLady

1. I started watching people with long term sobriety and how they acted and noticed some of them were weird (hence my post about confidence and arrogance)


2. So he blew up at me, Said I worship an AA book and was not the person he thought I was. So, there I had a person in AA and a Pastor and I just felt worthless as always.


3. I should have known how to deal with all this better. And I get just as upset. I even started to do some behavior that I never had done sober and only drunk. Now I"m SOBER doing it.


4. So, this is not unusual? I hear a lot of people who sound like they are always with it.

Me too Legal....been there/done that. VERY similar story for me. From your posts, I pulled several things I figured I'd share my experience on.

1. Few "roles" get me into more trouble that when I appoint myself judge of the world (aka - I play God). Whenever I hear myself thinking things like "they should be better than that / they're phonies / they're weird / etc" I'm going down a dangerous road. I'm seperating myself from the rest of God's kids - kids he made just as perfect as me and kids He loves just as much as He loves me. I'm not better.......just different. Neither is right or wrong. Once I start judging others though, I can really run with it. Once I'm different....once I'm special.....then what "they" did or what they're doing in the program will no longer work for someone as unique as me. Heck, I need a special brand of recovery........which I never find......and I walk around feeling restless and incomplete. And since I'm SO special, why.....I'll just figure out on my own how to fix it because anyone as gifted as me ought to be able to fix anything. Second half of step 1 goes right out the window, step 2 goes as well.....since I don't think in insane, since I'm the master of my destiny I don't need step 3 either, and so on.... See, dangerous waters.

2. I dig priests.......by and large I think they're wonderful wonderful men. That said, they don't all 'get" AA. When it comes to AA matters, I put stock in AA-ppls opinions on the program. Anyone else, TO ME, is coming from a position of head knowledge (maybe....lol) but little to no real experience.

3. This next one has done me, quite possibly, more harm than anything else I can think of: "I should have known better / I should be better off / I'm above this sort of behavior / etc." Accepting me AS I AM is a skill I didn't really EVER possess. Drinking sure made it bearable though. Now, in sobriety, I've got to learn how to do it......and it hasn't come easily or quickly for me. Finally, in the past couple years, I've noticed improvement. It helped a lot to learn that those "I should be better" comments are highly arrogant........rooted in self-will and self-control.....and leave God right out of the picture. It's, for me, a form of self-will-run-riot. Just like a new person trying to convince themselves they're not alcoholic by completely ignoring what IS and focusing on what they think "should be"....I can fall into the same trap sober. Accepting what IS and not judging it is a skill I've spent a lot of time practicing. It's a completely new way of living for me....hence, the changes haven't come as quickly as I hoped they would but they DO come so long as I'm trying and praying. And let's not forget, getting "sober".....even getting "recovered" doesn't make us pure as the driven snow. I'm still capable of doing darn near every "bad" thing I've ever done.....now. In some cases, it's even easier now because ppl trust me and make the assumption that I'd never do such-and-such. So the bottom line is I stumble sometimes. Hell, sometimes I stumble a LOT. Some days the best I can do isn't really all that spiritually sound. I need to remember that life's a series of ups and downs....and the best thing I can do is accept the downs, plan accordingly (ie, avoid confrontations when I'm irritable, watch the words I use around others, recognize I'm going to have a short fuse today, etc), and be ready to clean up any messes I make along the way.

4. As for the last one: I hear a lot of people who sound like they are always with it. -- Ever go to a meeting on a really crappy day? Days when you're just NOT balanced, everything feels off, you feel no connection to God, and life feels crappy? Did you share that at the meeting? Did you, like we have all done, quote some stuff from the book, say how great AA is, talk about how you didn't have to drink over it, smile at everyone, and leave the meeting? I've done exactly that.....lots of times. The others at the meeting would be talking about us and say, "he's/She's really doing great....." and they couldn't have been more wrong. It takes a LOT of courage to share honestly......especially when our false pride is telling us "we should be better than this/that." Lord knows I've bs'd at tables plenty......so it's no shock to me when I consider that others might be doing it too. I find, in that meeing-after-the-meeting......the one that happens outside the doors of the hall......that's when you find out what's REALLY going on. The big thing I've learned from this is: it benefits NOBODY to toe the company line, spout one-liners off at a table and tell everyone everything's great when that's not reality. It hurts the other folks who are off-base and looking for some support......and it hurts me to not be honest. To that end, I try and be REALLY honest at meetings now, which means a lot of what I share is not very flattering. I also try to remember that not everything is always as rosy as everyone is claiming it is - and they're not JERKS for not being more honest......they just haven't learned how to be more honest....yet.

[Charmie]

legal....we spoke about this on another forum a good few days ago.....you told me you had been through the steps several times...how much service you have done and how much you speak to your sponsor....how is that working for you? many would see this as taking action but a lot of it is in the past tense....living off old experiences?
the work i have done in the past is NOT going to help me TODAY....sure some of it gives me some knowledge...a basic frame work etc...but the spiritual experiences i had whilst going through the steps...first,second third time are not in the present....every day is a new day and it is my responsibilty to put shoe leather on what God has in front of me....if it were me...i would pray that God help me find something new then go seeking...go to a big book meeting...try and find a lady on fire with this stuff...someone new...someone with lights in her eyes and ask her to help me........