Difference between Arrogance and Confidence in this Program

[LegalLady]

Can you give me some opinions on the difference between arrogance and confidence in this program. My self worth is rather low and I'm trying to surround myself with healthy people. Dare I say that is hard to do in this program (my nutty ways included in that statement) What happens is I listen to the people in the meetings and some of them sound really great and are pleasant to talk to and seem like they really can be helpful. Then after hanging with them for a while, the actions are totally different than what they are saying. I seem to have an awful habit of attracking people who want to talk about how much they know in the program. Suddenly, I'm being belittled in many different ways, such as 13th stepped or get rid of your sponsor and stick with me kid I'm a winner. And stuff like that. To me they seem so confident but full of it too and I suddenly feel like I"m not working my program. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. Sometimes I think the arrogant people are the ones I want to be like. Its like school and everyone things they are great (my sponsor always says "who's everyone"). I don't know. I'm really messed up these days. I seem not to meet other's expectations these days. And I've been around to know I don't have to do that. But lately I just feel brand new.

[augustwest]

Watch what they do, not what they say.

[Mark75]

I know what you are feeling.

I love the fellowship of AA and many of the people in it. But it is not so important to me that what happens there, what I hear there, makes or breaks my program ... Which is the 12 steps and my conscious contact with my higher power. It is an intensely personal experience.

I used to get feeling uncomfortable pretty easily... Now when I get uncomfortable I know I have some inventory to do.

There is a lot of ego at AA meetings, some of it is mine, LOL.

[Db1105]

It was suggested to me early on in recovery to stick with the winners. Hanging out with people showed me who was who. I just didn't hang out with those who didn't walk the talk.

[bbthumper]

Watch their feet, not their lips.

[2granddaughters]

I chose my first sponsor (who died sober in 1997) because he seemed to have a natural self-confidence and dignity that I severely lacked and he had good common sense that I yearned for.
He wasn't arrogant at all but he had no problem telling me the way it was. Take it or leave it. He obtained and practiced those qualities in AA

I find it hard to quantify personal qualities on a text forum but I certainly know them when I see them.

I also feel the presence of God when I spend time and listen to some AA oldtimers.

That's the direction I am trying to go .. with confidence.

All the best to everyone.

Bob R

[tomsteve]

its very simple to come into a meeting, talk the talk, and sound like i am all there. it's the other 23 hours on the other side of the walls that matters.
2 things i would suggest:
1) dont throw trust out right off the bat. we are the same people who were out there lieing, cheating, and stealing and some of us want to get weler than others
2) be careful of the my program thing. if yer like me, yer program got ya to AA. so it prolly aint gonna helpt oo much in recovery.


nobody's perfect. we all make mistakes. we all have character defects. some defects are worse than others.

[muvinon]

I am more attracted to humility than to knowledge these days. And people can be quite knowledgeable and humble.

Man, that's what I want.

[PaperDolls]

I know plenty of folks who talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Not just in AA either.

Most likely, that's been me on more than one occasion. I have to remember I don't want to be like that today so I choose not to hang out with people who are.

Today, I don't attempt to mold myself like I think others want to see me. This is for me today. For the first time in my whole life I think, I am actually able to be the real me and be ok with it even if others aren't. What a feeling!

[Route164]

"to thine own self be true" is such a compass to my higher power.
when my esteem is grounded in my higher power I tend to walk the walk.
i think we need to be able to discern the difference between discernment and judgement (kind of confusing way to put it, sorry) of our fellows in and out of the rooms.
And, also recognize we are all human.
I am amazed at how quickly i can fall back into moodiness, crankiness, harsh judgement ... but I don't think I am not "working theprogram" so long as I get back on and surrender.
Trust God. Love others.
Love people for their imperfections. BUT this doesnt mean I have to like everyone and have them in my network! But I can love and tolerate them

[Tommyh]

you said your self worth is low
that can come from fear or a regret of certain things in the past we wished we had not done or things we wished we had done.

other than a good,in depth step 4 on that,one thing that has helped me a great deal is a part of step 11

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.


the part I put in bold text is what does it for me,when I intentionally set out to do good things for people,any people,with no strings attached.
It seems to pump new life in me and makes me happy,and when I am happy,I have no low self esteem or regrets of the past

[Lily]

All I can do is speak from experience. I used to be sugary sweet to everyone but my motives were skewed. It was to A) Get others to like me cuz I had no relationship w/ my HP and needed kudos from others. and B) I wanted newcomers to like me so I could hang w them and then try to FIX them or control/manipulate them.

What I have learned after time those whom I used to THINK were arrogant are now actually people who do not control others but are working a sound program and have a great relationship with their higher power so they do not need others to give them positive strokes. They also treat EVERYONE with dignity and respect.

Just my opinion, but I can spot the difference much better today cuz I have been on both sides.

Hope you can find some people to connect with.

[Tommyh]

arrogance:
an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

confidence:
a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances <had perfect confidence in her ability to succeed> <met the risk with brash confidence> b : faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way <have confidence in a leader>

you mentioned confidence vs arrogance
I believe confidence always has some humility in it,whereas arrogance doesn`t.I have full confidence that the AA steps will keep me sober thru all things in all places if I stay spiritually fit.I have full confidence in my HP,God of my understanding.I have full confidence in the Big Book of AA.
I have this confidence because of the screw ups I have made in the past and the relief that came from going back to the steps for help.In other words,my mistakes convinced me of my need for my HP and the need to trust (my belief and faith) and rely ( my actions ) in my HP.It took 24 years to get here,along with a million mistakes.
If I say to you LL,today I could not physically reach out and pick up that drink,and drink it,even if the thought entered my mind,people would mistake it for arrogance,but it isn`t.

If I say to you,I could not go back to the old way of life if I wanted,people would say it is arrogance but it isn`t.
It is something we call Grace,the Power given by my HP to live daily by,the daily reprieve given me because I need it to stay sober,and also just live today.
By myself,I am a passing out in the yard,wetting my pants, drunken bum.
But by His Grace,I am a sober member of this world.It comes from a deeper understanding and experience of Grace and my helplessness and hopelessness.

LL,the only way I got here is by going back to the steps and working and working,digging deeper and deeper,digging out the sick ego a little at a time.

[omegasupreme]

Not once has my sponsor asked how I'm feeling, only what I am doing.

[Tommyh]

yea,those sponsors don`t care too much about feelings,just actions

[shaun00]

on the difference between arrogance and confidence in this program.

Humility.

Thanks tommy