Loving yourself - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Veritas1 · 08-03-2012, 07:35 AM

I was talking with my mom and she said she felt that the reason I am not happy is because I don't love myself.

She said it's all about love and nothing else matters.

She said I cannot be happy until I learn to love myself.

She said I destroy myself because I don't love myself.

I thought my problems were because I loved myself so much that self ruined me.

I thought of all people, I loved myself most, since I worshipped myself, did everything to keep my self satisfied.

I thought I was all about self...as in selfish.

I thought we were as alcoholics selfish.

So how does not loving yourself come into play with alcoholism?

Do you think the reason people destroy their lives with alcohol is because they don't love themselves?

Do you need to love yourself to change your life?

How do you begin to love yourself?

Thank you for your thoughts.

Mark75 · 08-03-2012, 08:04 AM

I found that I had to let myself be. I had to get my pride thing under control... I am sooo hard on myself, and I began to understand why when I began my fourth step. Pride (and I didn't think I was particularly prideful, until I realized that it inserted itself in nearly everything...) was behind so much.

Once I became another human being just like you, I began to go easy on myself. I began to let me be me and work on steps 6 and 7, for myself, not because I was afraid of what you thought of me.

I looked at my motives, on a real time basis, and acknowledged when I was saying, doing, thinking what I was for good and right reasons.

I couldn't just "love myself"... it didn't work that way for me.

RobbyRobot · 08-03-2012, 08:44 AM

Loving ourselves "selfishly" is what we don't want. A selfish love is ego-centric and self-centered. Being selfish like this is more than just wanting a bigger slice, or more than an equal share of physical things-- its really more about how mentally and emotionally a selfish lived life manifests. Everything is filtered through the inflated ego of the selfish machinations and desires of the self-centered person.

This is not to say that persons who are not spiritual-minded are in a default position of being selfish. Being agnostic or athesist does not in itself create an ego-centric selfish self-centered person, imo. Same as being spiritually minded does not itself provide safety from being ego-centric. Egocentrism can equally exist irregardless of a persons spiritual status or practices. In fact, practical egocentrism can have an open field day with those who are spiritually minded easier, imo, then those who are less so...

So... theists, atheists, agnostics, what-have-you... all these different sorts can still (un)successfully live selfishly ego-centric lives.

Alcoholism, as defined by AA, is rooted in egocentric living. This is why it is so important to smash down selfish ego in Steps 1, 2, 3. Our mental obsession is egocentric thinking at its worst, no less. AA provides for a complete psychic change away from egocentricity.

I agree we do best when we love others as we love ourselves. However a person may chose to empower their love is a matter of pure personal choice, imo, and as long as equality exists between self and others as the love is created, shared, given, received, and exchanged, then the source is unimportant, imo.

Yeah, so loving ourselves is always a good thing while and when we do the same for others, no problemo.

LegalLady · 08-03-2012, 09:16 AM

A selfish Alcoholic can also have an ego with an inferiority complex. Which means for me that my selfishness was still all about me only in a negative why. I'm not good enough, pretty enough, don't deserve it. Still all about me but inferior to myself. I put myself and still do sometimes in positions of my worth relies on how others love me or treat me. I don't deserve a nice relationship so I go for awful ones. Stuff like that. I definitely don't care too much for myself, but I"m trying.

RobbyRobot · 08-03-2012, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LegalLady

A selfish Alcoholic can also have an ego with an inferiority complex. Which means for me that my selfishness was still all about me only in a negative why. I'm not good enough, pretty enough, don't deserve it. Still all about me but inferior to myself. I put myself and still do sometimes in positions of my worth relies on how others love me or treat me. I don't deserve a nice relationship so I go for awful ones. Stuff like that. I definitely don't care too much for myself, but I"m trying.

Yeah, awesomely said.

With your possession of such wonderful personal insight, I'm sure you're on the right path to care more, LegalLady.

2granddaughters · 08-03-2012, 01:33 PM

The oldtimers loved me until I could begin to love myself.

Beginning to love myself came from working the program as all the good things do.

All the best V

Bob R

DayTrader · 08-03-2012, 02:37 PM

Finally, a topic I have some pretty extensive experience with!

For a darn good chunk of my life, I didn't like myself all that much. I could see potential...but I never seemed to live up to it. As a result, existing was miserable even when things were OK. Boy, drinking (at least while I was loaded) sure kept me from feeling this way.

Fast-forward into sobriety/recovery/AA and it seemed like my self-hatred (hatred may be a bit strong.......but you get the point) was in overdrive. Every character defect I found was more proof I was a piece of $hit. Even concept I didn't grasp proved I really was stupid. Every time I'd "catch" myself falling shot of these ideals I was trying to incorporate into my life I'd dig deeper into a pretty nasty depression.

I was utterly convinced I had no self confidence, my self-esteem was close to zero, and that I too needed to love myself.....or at least like myself. But the question always came up in my head - how do you love someone who's continually proving themselves to be so damn unlovable? When I'd hear "God loves you..who are you to disagree with God?" I'd just get mad. Hell, if I could answer that one I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in, right?

Enter a talk I heard by Joe Hawk. I still remember what block I was on, which way I was walking, what time of day, and which way I was about to turn on the corner (I was out walking my dog one morning when I heard it). It blew down some oooold walls I had up.....and the way it woke me up was anything but subtle or comfortable. It was like jumping into a cold lake......

He was talking about column 3 in the 4th step. He suggested.....or asked us to consider.....

"If you have 'self esteem' written down a lot in column 3........and believe you have low self esteem......I want you to consider if maybe, as a real alcoholic, you can't possibly have LOW self esteem. If you really had low self esteem, anything bad that happens would be ok with you because you'd believe that's precisely what you deserved. What we do (he said) is get mad as bad/wrong things happen and those things make us feel bad about ourselves. What you have it excessively and extravagantly HIGH self esteem. Your opinion of yourself is so damn high you think you're above all failure, you're above all bad actions, you're able to be perfect, you know everything.....and you can do anything. When you're operating under that disastrous mis-belief....every shortfall hurts because it's evidence that you're not the perfect person you like to think you are - but never can become."

I had to sit with that one for quite a while....a week or so....before I really started to see it......before I really was able to recognize and realize that he (for me, anyway) was dead on target.

So......... FOR ME....... I get the idea of "loving myself" being important. But for me, loving myself had to come from a position of loving myself a little less, but in a more honest and accepting way than I had practiced it before.

--and btw V....since I know you're listening to Bob B...... this stuff^^^^^^ is the alcoholism he's referring to.... the alcoholism that still effects us even when we're not drinking. It's these sorts of subjects and topics that we need to be applying the steps and principles to. It's recovering from this sort of thing (and believe me, these old thoughts STILL come into my mind quite frequently.....even today) that'll convince us to stay "into action" and helping others because lemme tell ya........... living under those old "rules" is hell on earth 24/7....and I don't have to pick up a drink to die this way.

CaiHong · 08-03-2012, 03:17 PM

Hi Veritas,
All respect to your Mum but the love yourself is all well and good but it doesn't really mean much. I think what has been posted on this thread really helps to explain how to get to the position of feeling comfortable with yourself and others.
Love
CaiHong

muvinon · 08-03-2012, 04:37 PM

Loving myself is all about doing things that don't destroy my life and allow me to live with peace in my heart.

To get there, I took the steps.

And yeah, today.......I do love myself.

Veritas1 · 08-03-2012, 07:50 PM

Thank you everyone. You're the best.

08-03-2012, 07:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
Veritas1 Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 3,030	Loving yourself I was talking with my mom and she said she felt that the reason I am not happy is because I don't love myself. She said it's all about love and nothing else matters. She said I cannot be happy until I learn to love myself. She said I destroy myself because I don't love myself. I thought my problems were because I loved myself so much that self ruined me. I thought of all people, I loved myself most, since I worshipped myself, did everything to keep my self satisfied. I thought I was all about self...as in selfish. I thought we were as alcoholics selfish. So how does not loving yourself come into play with alcoholism? Do you think the reason people destroy their lives with alcohol is because they don't love themselves? Do you need to love yourself to change your life? How do you begin to love yourself? Thank you for your thoughts. __________________ AA quotes first edition

08-03-2012, 01:33 PM	#6 (permalink)
2granddaughters in my 24th year of sobriety Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get Posts: 4,368	The oldtimers loved me until I could begin to love myself. Beginning to love myself came from working the program as all the good things do. All the best V Bob R __________________ . . .If you want to drink, that's your business ..... .If you want to quit, that's A.A.'s business. . . --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. . . L.D. 1989

08-03-2012, 02:37 PM	#7 (permalink)
DayTrader 12-Step Recovered Alcoholic Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 4,666	Finally, a topic I have some pretty extensive experience with! For a darn good chunk of my life, I didn't like myself all that much. I could see potential...but I never seemed to live up to it. As a result, existing was miserable even when things were OK. Boy, drinking (at least while I was loaded) sure kept me from feeling this way. Fast-forward into sobriety/recovery/AA and it seemed like my self-hatred (hatred may be a bit strong.......but you get the point) was in overdrive. Every character defect I found was more proof I was a piece of $hit. Even concept I didn't grasp proved I really was stupid. Every time I'd "catch" myself falling shot of these ideals I was trying to incorporate into my life I'd dig deeper into a pretty nasty depression. I was utterly convinced I had no self confidence, my self-esteem was close to zero, and that I too needed to love myself.....or at least like myself. But the question always came up in my head - how do you love someone who's continually proving themselves to be so damn unlovable? When I'd hear "God loves you..who are you to disagree with God?" I'd just get mad. Hell, if I could answer that one I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in, right? Enter a talk I heard by Joe Hawk. I still remember what block I was on, which way I was walking, what time of day, and which way I was about to turn on the corner (I was out walking my dog one morning when I heard it). It blew down some oooold walls I had up.....and the way it woke me up was anything but subtle or comfortable. It was like jumping into a cold lake...... He was talking about column 3 in the 4th step. He suggested.....or asked us to consider..... "If you have 'self esteem' written down a lot in column 3........and believe you have low self esteem......I want you to consider if maybe, as a real alcoholic, you can't possibly have LOW self esteem. If you really had low self esteem, anything bad that happens would be ok with you because you'd believe that's precisely what you deserved. What we do (he said) is get mad as bad/wrong things happen and those things make us feel bad about ourselves. What you have it excessively and extravagantly HIGH self esteem. Your opinion of yourself is so damn high you think you're above all failure, you're above all bad actions, you're able to be perfect, you know everything.....and you can do anything. When you're operating under that disastrous mis-belief....every shortfall hurts because it's evidence that you're not the perfect person you like to think you are - but never can become." I had to sit with that one for quite a while....a week or so....before I really started to see it......before I really was able to recognize and realize that he (for me, anyway) was dead on target. So......... FOR ME....... I get the idea of "loving myself" being important. But for me, loving myself had to come from a position of loving myself a little less, but in a more honest and accepting way than I had practiced it before. --and btw V....since I know you're listening to Bob B...... this stuff^^^^^^ is the alcoholism he's referring to.... the alcoholism that still effects us even when we're not drinking. It's these sorts of subjects and topics that we need to be applying the steps and principles to. It's recovering from this sort of thing (and believe me, these old thoughts STILL come into my mind quite frequently.....even today) that'll convince us to stay "into action" and helping others because lemme tell ya........... living under those old "rules" is hell on earth 24/7....and I don't have to pick up a drink to die this way. __________________ "We can't solve our problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein /-all BB quotes-1st. Edition-\

08-03-2012, 07:50 PM	#10 (permalink)
Veritas1 Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 3,030	Thank you everyone. You're the best. __________________ AA quotes first edition

08-03-2012, 08:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
Mark75 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,818	I found that I had to let myself be. I had to get my pride thing under control... I am sooo hard on myself, and I began to understand why when I began my fourth step. Pride (and I didn't think I was particularly prideful, until I realized that it inserted itself in nearly everything...) was behind so much. Once I became another human being just like you, I began to go easy on myself. I began to let me be me and work on steps 6 and 7, for myself, not because I was afraid of what you thought of me. I looked at my motives, on a real time basis, and acknowledged when I was saying, doing, thinking what I was for good and right reasons. I couldn't just "love myself"... it didn't work that way for me.

08-03-2012, 08:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
RobbyRobot End Game Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Inner Space-Time Posts: 3,154	Loving ourselves "selfishly" is what we don't want. A selfish love is ego-centric and self-centered. Being selfish like this is more than just wanting a bigger slice, or more than an equal share of physical things-- its really more about how mentally and emotionally a selfish lived life manifests. Everything is filtered through the inflated ego of the selfish machinations and desires of the self-centered person. This is not to say that persons who are not spiritual-minded are in a default position of being selfish. Being agnostic or athesist does not in itself create an ego-centric selfish self-centered person, imo. Same as being spiritually minded does not itself provide safety from being ego-centric. Egocentrism can equally exist irregardless of a persons spiritual status or practices. In fact, practical egocentrism can have an open field day with those who are spiritually minded easier, imo, then those who are less so... So... theists, atheists, agnostics, what-have-you... all these different sorts can still (un)successfully live selfishly ego-centric lives. Alcoholism, as defined by AA, is rooted in egocentric living. This is why it is so important to smash down selfish ego in Steps 1, 2, 3. Our mental obsession is egocentric thinking at its worst, no less. AA provides for a complete psychic change away from egocentricity. I agree we do best when we love others as we love ourselves. However a person may chose to empower their love is a matter of pure personal choice, imo, and as long as equality exists between self and others as the love is created, shared, given, received, and exchanged, then the source is unimportant, imo. Yeah, so loving ourselves is always a good thing while and when we do the same for others, no problemo.

08-03-2012, 09:16 AM	#4 (permalink)
LegalLady Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Missouri Posts: 194	A selfish Alcoholic can also have an ego with an inferiority complex. Which means for me that my selfishness was still all about me only in a negative why. I'm not good enough, pretty enough, don't deserve it. Still all about me but inferior to myself. I put myself and still do sometimes in positions of my worth relies on how others love me or treat me. I don't deserve a nice relationship so I go for awful ones. Stuff like that. I definitely don't care too much for myself, but I"m trying.

08-03-2012, 03:17 PM	#8 (permalink)
CaiHong Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 1,736	Hi Veritas, All respect to your Mum but the love yourself is all well and good but it doesn't really mean much. I think what has been posted on this thread really helps to explain how to get to the position of feeling comfortable with yourself and others. Love CaiHong

08-03-2012, 04:37 PM	#9 (permalink)
muvinon Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Houston Texas Posts: 504	Loving myself is all about doing things that don't destroy my life and allow me to live with peace in my heart. To get there, I took the steps. And yeah, today.......I do love myself.

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