What To Do When Your Sponsor Behaves Inappropriately? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

FlyerFan · 07-13-2012, 05:47 AM

So, you mave have read my other thread and see that I feel I'm growing apart from my first sponsor. I am making my amends at the moment and I feel that if I need to "leave her" at this point in time that I can do so and work the rest of the steps with someone else.

However here is what happened last night. Went to a meeting and witnessed my sponsor picking on someone. At first she was playing around and teasing the person playfully, but then she really persisted and did not stop even when the person asked her several times to stop. In the end the person moved to the other side of the room to get away from my sponsor. And even after that happened she did not say sorry or anything, she just sat there and giggled with a few other girls.

Now this first made me very angry, because NOBODY should have to feel bullied or picked on in AA. That is just not acceptable in my opinion. And second it made me question whether or not I should continue work with her.

In the beginning everything was alright, she was the only person who would take me on so I accepted, and up until recently things have been good. I recently feel like she is either a really good faker or that she just is not the person I thought she was in the beginning. She used to seem really genuine and down to earth and now I am finding a lot of what she says hard to believe.

I don't want to totally drop a bombshell and make a huge dramatic mess out of this whole situation.

So what I'm thinking of doing is just finish up the remaining 3 steps i have with this sponsor and then just tell her that I want to work with someone else after that. I'll be polite about it of course, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. And I'll still call her on the phone sometimes.

I just want to do whats best for MY recovery without harming anyone. and the situation I witnessed last night made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable and I feel that was a sign from God that I should perhaps start considering other people to work with.

bbthumper · 07-13-2012, 06:04 AM

Hey Flyer Fan,
(Penguins fan by the way. Dont hold it against me!)

Just posted this on another thread, but thought Id post my thoughts here too. (Key words- "my thoughts")
If I feel that I have outgrown my sponsor or they are behvaing in a way that is inappropriate I should find a new sponsor. If they are offended by that it means that they have their ego wrapped up in sponsoring which is unhealthy in the first place. My sponsor has always been very clear with me that any help I get from him is due to God's grace and not anything he did. This is a great reminder for me to avoid getting my ego wrapped up in sponsoring.

Regardless, its not an easy situation to deal with and I would definitely recommend that you include your Higher Power in any decision you make.

God Bless ya!

pinkdog · 07-13-2012, 06:13 AM

I think you need to have a talk with your sponsor. It sounds like something is bothering them. If they don't admit they were inappropriate, find another sponsor. It's all about being honest. Admitting and facing fears. For all of us. Sobriety rocks!

FlyerFan · 07-13-2012, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkdog

I think you need to have a talk with your sponsor. It sounds like something is bothering them. If they don't admit they were inappropriate, find another sponsor. It's all about being honest. Admitting and facing fears. For all of us. Sobriety rocks!

Yeah, I did mention it to her, I said "hey I think you may have hurt that woman's feelings" and she just laughed and made a huge joke about it. So I am thinking I should just finish up my last 3 steps with her and then move on. and like BB said, if that upsets her, oh well. That's her issue not mine.

imsober42day · 07-13-2012, 06:47 AM

thank you so much for your post!
my question to u is will u be able to b honest w your sponsor while ur going thru the last three steps or will u have this uncomfortable feeling towards them the whole time which can lead to resentment?
just asking cuz i know how i would feel if this happened to me
gd bless u and pray for the right thought or action
much love

***PaperDolls*** · 07-13-2012, 06:58 AM

Yeah, I'm not sure waiting to go through the last 3 steps with her is a good decision. If you're anything like me, you're thinking of doing that because it's just easier than telling her now. You're just putting it off. No matter when you do it, if she gets upset, it's on her.

Most of the time, the right thing to do is not the easy thing to do.

aasharon90 · 07-13-2012, 07:32 AM

This may sound selfish, but I take what I
need in recovery knowlege from people that
will be helpful in my own program and quietly
move on. They may not even know im using
them to benifit my own recovery, but hey, Im
need what I need to stay sober no matter what.

All this of course is done with gratefullness
and appreciation and not rudeness.

I have my own life to live in recovery then
to be attached to someone at the hip, if you
know what I mean. Im definitely not married
to any of them and they are there to join me in
fellowship as a whole and that's all.

FlyerFan · 07-13-2012, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperDolls

Yeah, I'm not sure waiting to go through the last 3 steps with her is a good decision. If you're anything like me, you're thinking of doing that because it's just easier than telling her now. You're just putting it off. No matter when you do it, if she gets upset, it's on her.

Most of the time, the right thing to do is not the easy thing to do.

I don't resent her, i just dislike the behavior she has been portraying lately, and I have been praying for her as well. I don't want anymore resentments, its just a sticky situation i suppose. I do want to finish up the work we've been doing because we've been taking intensive BB notes and I do want to know her perspective and thoughts on these last 3 steps. I am always intrigued by the various ways that different peopel view things.

I'm gonna keep praying about the entire situation and see what comes up. I'm not going to worry about it, because worry leads to anxiety which leads to desires....and i dont need that.

So I'll just keep praying and keep observing how things pan out.

***PaperDolls*** · 07-13-2012, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlyerFan

I'm gonna keep praying about the entire situation and see what comes up. I'm not going to worry about it, because worry leads to anxiety which leads to desires....and i dont need that.

So I'll just keep praying and keep observing how things pan out.

Perfect.

FlyerFan · 07-13-2012, 09:19 AM

Well I just kind of hinted to her about this whole thing, and the response I got was very good. I called and got her voicemail so I left a message stating "hey ive just been thinking about this a lot and I think that when we are done going through my steps I would like to work with some old timers after that so that I can learn more and be able to help more people" and she texted me back saying "at work so i cant use the phone, but I got your message and I think that is great that you want to do that!"

So i guess once we are done our work together (hopefully by the end of this month!) i will just wish her good luck and say thank you and that will be that. I have no hard feelings and I do want her to have a good happy life. I just feel I need to move on to bigger and better things!

Music · 07-13-2012, 09:55 AM

If I saw my sponsor behaving that way, and not knowing the particulars about what history my sponsor has with that person, I'd figure my sponsor knew what he was doing. Sometimes honestly can be misunderstood as bullying. I've been accused of being mean spirited, arrogant, and various other things while trying to tell someone what I see and hear them saying or doing. Sometimes it's best to let your sponsor know what's bothering you and take what he says as the answer. Skepticism is a good thing but it can be carried too far. You're upset, angry and thinking about getting a new sponsor when if you facts, you may not be bothered by what happened at all. Take care of your own program. AA has enough caretakers.

Liberty47 · 07-13-2012, 11:33 AM

<<<<then she really persisted and did not stop even when the person asked her several times to stop.>>>

Old timers do not walk on water. Simply having a number of years abstinent from mood altering substances does not make one a doctor, therapist or priest. If someone clearly tells someone to knock it off and they don't....well that's a bully, even if this bully has forty years of sobriety.

2granddaughters · 07-13-2012, 04:49 PM

Hello F.F.
If we don't burn a bridge we can always go back and use it if we need to.

Good luck with your new sponsor. If you don't "expect" too much you won't be disappointed.
We are an un-Saintly bunch ..... on a good day.

All the best .

Bob R

muvinon · 07-13-2012, 04:51 PM

The best thing I ever heard was......there are no divorce courts in AA. We're free to move on from sponsorship whenever it seems right.

Seems to me, you know what seems right already.

Now, just ask the God of your understanding for direction and power to carry that out.

Good luck!

FlyerFan · 07-14-2012, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Music

If I saw my sponsor behaving that way, and not knowing the particulars about what history my sponsor has with that person, I'd figure my sponsor knew what he was doing. Sometimes honestly can be misunderstood as bullying. I've been accused of being mean spirited, arrogant, and various other things while trying to tell someone what I see and hear them saying or doing. Sometimes it's best to let your sponsor know what's bothering you and take what he says as the answer. Skepticism is a good thing but it can be carried too far. You're upset, angry and thinking about getting a new sponsor when if you facts, you may not be bothered by what happened at all. Take care of your own program. AA has enough caretakers.

No, I did not misunderstand, she physically harassed this woman and did not stop even after the woman asked her to several times.

Thanks everyone for all of your input and insight. and Bob you are right, I wont burn the bridge, and i still plan on talking to this woman from time to time on the phone or at meetings, I just think I need to broaden my spectrum!

shaun00 · 07-14-2012, 08:40 AM

Pray for her ..,.say , thankyou very kindly for your help to date.....engage with a new sponsor .

FlyerFan · 07-14-2012, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shaun00

Pray for her ..,.say , thankyou very kindly for your help to date.....engage with a new sponsor .

Yes, I plan on doing this. I have another woman in mind already, but if she is too busy at the moment I am just going to start working with people in general, like just get together and read or even just go out for a meal and chat.

sugarbear1 · 07-15-2012, 05:26 PM

I sit down with my sponsor and have an honest talk with them, not a passing statement. I've done it before and I'll do it again. A real conversation...

FlyerFan · 07-16-2012, 03:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarbear1

I sit down with my sponsor and have an honest talk with them, not a passing statement. I've done it before and I'll do it again. A real conversation...

Yes, I normally do that with her, but this last time I couldn't seem to get a word in edgewise. At one point I had to finally interject "hey can we get a move on with the rest of my step work (we went from meeting once a week to once every few weeks and then lately to not at all!)

I don't want to **** anyone off, I just wanna move on and help others. lol. I feel like im being strung along like someones puppet.

OklaBH · 07-16-2012, 03:51 AM

Ya' know..wrong is wrong. If she was being hurtful, who is she to guide anyone through anything? My experience in and out of the rooms is when someone is acting that way (myself included) their own sobriety is in jeopardy. Hopefully you working the rest of the steps with her will give her a new grasp on her own recovery.

07-13-2012, 05:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
FlyerFan Woman in AA Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 1,145 Blog Entries: 49	What To Do When Your Sponsor Behaves Inappropriately? So, you mave have read my other thread and see that I feel I'm growing apart from my first sponsor. I am making my amends at the moment and I feel that if I need to "leave her" at this point in time that I can do so and work the rest of the steps with someone else. However here is what happened last night. Went to a meeting and witnessed my sponsor picking on someone. At first she was playing around and teasing the person playfully, but then she really persisted and did not stop even when the person asked her several times to stop. In the end the person moved to the other side of the room to get away from my sponsor. And even after that happened she did not say sorry or anything, she just sat there and giggled with a few other girls. Now this first made me very angry, because NOBODY should have to feel bullied or picked on in AA. That is just not acceptable in my opinion. And second it made me question whether or not I should continue work with her. In the beginning everything was alright, she was the only person who would take me on so I accepted, and up until recently things have been good. I recently feel like she is either a really good faker or that she just is not the person I thought she was in the beginning. She used to seem really genuine and down to earth and now I am finding a lot of what she says hard to believe. I don't want to totally drop a bombshell and make a huge dramatic mess out of this whole situation. So what I'm thinking of doing is just finish up the remaining 3 steps i have with this sponsor and then just tell her that I want to work with someone else after that. I'll be polite about it of course, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. And I'll still call her on the phone sometimes. I just want to do whats best for MY recovery without harming anyone. and the situation I witnessed last night made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable and I feel that was a sign from God that I should perhaps start considering other people to work with. __________________ "Sit back, relax, and look at the world from your multi-colored glass."

07-13-2012, 06:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
bbthumper Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Cleveland, OH Posts: 1,138	Hey Flyer Fan, (Penguins fan by the way. Dont hold it against me!) Just posted this on another thread, but thought Id post my thoughts here too. (Key words- "my thoughts") If I feel that I have outgrown my sponsor or they are behvaing in a way that is inappropriate I should find a new sponsor. If they are offended by that it means that they have their ego wrapped up in sponsoring which is unhealthy in the first place. My sponsor has always been very clear with me that any help I get from him is due to God's grace and not anything he did. This is a great reminder for me to avoid getting my ego wrapped up in sponsoring. Regardless, its not an easy situation to deal with and I would definitely recommend that you include your Higher Power in any decision you make. God Bless ya! __________________ *~BBThumper* ~All Big Book Quotes from the 1st edition A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. C. S. Lewis

07-13-2012, 06:47 AM	#5 (permalink)
imsober42day Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: ny Posts: 14	thank you so much for your post! my question to u is will u be able to b honest w your sponsor while ur going thru the last three steps or will u have this uncomfortable feeling towards them the whole time which can lead to resentment? just asking cuz i know how i would feel if this happened to me gd bless u and pray for the right thought or action much love __________________ the ego seeks the destination, the soul seeks the journey

07-13-2012, 06:58 AM	#6 (permalink)
*PaperDolls* Community Greeter Join Date: May 2004 Location: Midwest Posts: 7,758 Blog Entries: 10	Yeah, I'm not sure waiting to go through the last 3 steps with her is a good decision. If you're anything like me, you're thinking of doing that because it's just easier than telling her now. You're just putting it off. No matter when you do it, if she gets upset, it's on her. Most of the time, the right thing to do is not the easy thing to do. __________________ Advice is like snow; the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. --Samuel T. Coleridg

07-13-2012, 07:32 AM	#7 (permalink)
aasharon90 Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Baton Rouge, La. Posts: 5,541	This may sound selfish, but I take what I need in recovery knowlege from people that will be helpful in my own program and quietly move on. They may not even know im using them to benifit my own recovery, but hey, Im need what I need to stay sober no matter what. All this of course is done with gratefullness and appreciation and not rudeness. I have my own life to live in recovery then to be attached to someone at the hip, if you know what I mean. Im definitely not married to any of them and they are there to join me in fellowship as a whole and that's all. __________________ "A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED" SHARON B. Baton Rouge, La. 8-11-90 I turn my will and life over to the care of a Power greater than I on a daily bases for guidance, care and protection.

07-13-2012, 06:13 AM	#3 (permalink)
pinkdog Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 379 Blog Entries: 8	I think you need to have a talk with your sponsor. It sounds like something is bothering them. If they don't admit they were inappropriate, find another sponsor. It's all about being honest. Admitting and facing fears. For all of us. Sobriety rocks!

07-13-2012, 09:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
FlyerFan Woman in AA Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 1,145 Blog Entries: 49	Well I just kind of hinted to her about this whole thing, and the response I got was very good. I called and got her voicemail so I left a message stating "hey ive just been thinking about this a lot and I think that when we are done going through my steps I would like to work with some old timers after that so that I can learn more and be able to help more people" and she texted me back saying "at work so i cant use the phone, but I got your message and I think that is great that you want to do that!" So i guess once we are done our work together (hopefully by the end of this month!) i will just wish her good luck and say thank you and that will be that. I have no hard feelings and I do want her to have a good happy life. I just feel I need to move on to bigger and better things! __________________ "Sit back, relax, and look at the world from your multi-colored glass."

07-13-2012, 09:55 AM	#11 (permalink)
Music Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Zion, Illinois Posts: 2,790	If I saw my sponsor behaving that way, and not knowing the particulars about what history my sponsor has with that person, I'd figure my sponsor knew what he was doing. Sometimes honestly can be misunderstood as bullying. I've been accused of being mean spirited, arrogant, and various other things while trying to tell someone what I see and hear them saying or doing. Sometimes it's best to let your sponsor know what's bothering you and take what he says as the answer. Skepticism is a good thing but it can be carried too far. You're upset, angry and thinking about getting a new sponsor when if you facts, you may not be bothered by what happened at all. Take care of your own program. AA has enough caretakers. __________________

07-13-2012, 11:33 AM	#12 (permalink)
Liberty47 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Santa Fe, NM Posts: 107	<<<<then she really persisted and did not stop even when the person asked her several times to stop.>>> Old timers do not walk on water. Simply having a number of years abstinent from mood altering substances does not make one a doctor, therapist or priest. If someone clearly tells someone to knock it off and they don't....well that's a bully, even if this bully has forty years of sobriety.

07-13-2012, 04:49 PM	#13 (permalink)
2granddaughters in my 24th year of sobriety Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get Posts: 4,389	Hello F.F. If we don't burn a bridge we can always go back and use it if we need to. Good luck with your new sponsor. If you don't "expect" too much you won't be disappointed. We are an un-Saintly bunch ..... on a good day. All the best . Bob R __________________ . . .If you want to drink, that's your business ..... .If you want to quit, that's A.A.'s business. . . --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. . . L.D. 1989

07-13-2012, 04:51 PM	#14 (permalink)
muvinon Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Houston Texas Posts: 510	The best thing I ever heard was......there are no divorce courts in AA. We're free to move on from sponsorship whenever it seems right. Seems to me, you know what seems right already. Now, just ask the God of your understanding for direction and power to carry that out. Good luck!

07-14-2012, 08:40 AM	#16 (permalink)
shaun00 Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: uk Posts: 2,506	Pray for her ..,.say , thankyou very kindly for your help to date.....engage with a new sponsor .

07-15-2012, 05:26 PM	#18 (permalink)
sugarbear1 ~sb Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: MD Posts: 9,761	I sit down with my sponsor and have an honest talk with them, not a passing statement. I've done it before and I'll do it again. A real conversation... __________________ Someday everything will all make sense. For now, laugh at confusion, smile through tears, & remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. All Big Book quotes are from the first edition. Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

07-16-2012, 03:51 AM	#20 (permalink)
OklaBH Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: The Sooner State Posts: 1,058 Blog Entries: 2	Ya' know..wrong is wrong. If she was being hurtful, who is she to guide anyone through anything? My experience in and out of the rooms is when someone is acting that way (myself included) their own sobriety is in jeopardy. Hopefully you working the rest of the steps with her will give her a new grasp on her own recovery.

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