Does AA brainwash?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
What may not be clear to you yet is the amends step is not there for the benefit of you, or your parents or your children, or anyone else he may have harmed. Those we make our amends to often do benefit when we clear our side of the street, but the step benefits your husband most of all because they are part of what will keep him sober for his lifetime.
After he completes the amends he decides to do he will be free and feel amazingly good. They produce the biggest charge or high ever. He'll be floating on air and never want to come down.
Many don't get to the serious amends right away, it may take 3-7 years for him to get around to his family. And it seems you have some expectations that they are involved or lengthy. Usually they only take 5 minutes more or less, then he'll be done.
Hope that helps.
After he completes the amends he decides to do he will be free and feel amazingly good. They produce the biggest charge or high ever. He'll be floating on air and never want to come down.
Many don't get to the serious amends right away, it may take 3-7 years for him to get around to his family. And it seems you have some expectations that they are involved or lengthy. Usually they only take 5 minutes more or less, then he'll be done.
Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 484
Originally Posted by cagreg9 
His attempts were only half hearted at best.
But all this being said, I don't think it's fair to pass judgment when this fella' isn't even around to defend himself. We're only seeing one side of the coin here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
Truthfully his current actions and attitude are worse then before he became sober. Like I told him his program isn't working for us, my kids don't need any more baggage from him. I am not listening to "Well if they won't forgive me, I will forgive them" and neither are they. This man put my children through hell, the verbal and a few times physical abuse was torture. But I have honestly tried to be the better person, encourage a relationship, even invited him for Thanksgiving. He sat there and acted like nothing had ever happened. As though these kids should just say "Hey Dad, what's new".
I don't want or need his amends. I want him to validate my children's feelings and to just try and ease some of the pain he has caused them. Because frankly its getting too late, if he ever hopes to have any sort of relationship with them.
Amends takes 3-7 years and only 5 minutes at best, and then they feel great about themselves. Sounds pretty selfish to me.
I don't want or need his amends. I want him to validate my children's feelings and to just try and ease some of the pain he has caused them. Because frankly its getting too late, if he ever hopes to have any sort of relationship with them.
Amends takes 3-7 years and only 5 minutes at best, and then they feel great about themselves. Sounds pretty selfish to me.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
So today I set new boundaries, no contact with any of us. My wonderful kids don't need his bs, or his baggage.
This is all you can do and it sounds like a good decision for you. You kids are old enough to decide if they want any contact with their father. You cannot change him and holding on to all that bitterness isn't bothering him a bit, but it is keeping you from moving forward. I've heard it said that resentment and bitterness is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
This is all you can do and it sounds like a good decision for you. You kids are old enough to decide if they want any contact with their father. You cannot change him and holding on to all that bitterness isn't bothering him a bit, but it is keeping you from moving forward. I've heard it said that resentment and bitterness is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
Cagreg, I put it in those terms to get this response in order to show you that you have expectations and have not yet let go of trying to control your ex. It's hard for some people to do, to let go of 'their' alcoholics.
That's your problem now that he's out of your life and has moved on. He will never do what you want him to do, or what you believe he should do.
Some spouses run around focused continually on the bad things 'their' alcoholics did way back when even after the alkie is dead. Seriously. Pouring over what they should have done better, and which avenues they should have taken, sometimes trying to get pity for the bad things the dead drunk did back in the '50s or '60s.
You could easily become like that if you don't let him go and become neutral about him.
That's your problem now that he's out of your life and has moved on. He will never do what you want him to do, or what you believe he should do.
Some spouses run around focused continually on the bad things 'their' alcoholics did way back when even after the alkie is dead. Seriously. Pouring over what they should have done better, and which avenues they should have taken, sometimes trying to get pity for the bad things the dead drunk did back in the '50s or '60s.
You could easily become like that if you don't let him go and become neutral about him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
AA isn't a program about putting children first, it is a program of recovery to keep people sober. IF, and that is a huge IF, your husband is doing the steps of AA, he is obviously not getting much of anything out of them. This is not the fault of AA, it is his own fault. Your continued bashing of AA because your husband appears to be a jerk is totally unjustified.
Now, I'm out of this thread, too.
Now, I'm out of this thread, too.
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