amends_letter
 

Hi fellow AA'ers-

I'm "knee deep" in some step 9 amends and I finally contacted an ex-girlfriend who I was dreading...

She agreed to accept a letter and I remember someone on here sharing an incredible amends letter.

I'm hoping some of you can share your letter or templete and it's be great if the one I remember is included.

Thanks!
Kjell

Oh come on Kjell. Do your own letter, from the heart and soul, your words, not someone elses.

This is an 'honest' program. We write and speak our 'own' amends.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

You're 100% right and I guess I should have added that I'm mainly looking for a template.

My sponsor is going to help me with this too and I was hoping for a little help from my SR friends too.

Kjell

Hey Kjell. I'll share an example of a letter I sent to my husbands kids and their partners :

Emma, Carl, Tim and Jodi -

Things have been wrong for so long I don’t know where to begin. I can tell you today, I am in recovery and am making steps to amends and taking steps for a brighter future for myself and my children. Today, this is where I’m at in life and need to take care of me.

My relationship with your father has been adulterated from the gate. I allowed myself to live in your father’s life as a shadow for a year before you even knew about me. My kids could never understand why they couldn’t meet you. So I lied and I drank.

When your father moved in on Carl and Johnny’s birthday that first year (a celebration for us), the kids knew what the situation was and we asked them to keep the truth from you and to be careful what they say, for you not to find out. There was no sense in everyone being hurt by our actions. So they lied and I drank.

The next several years I was faced with the reality that I made a choice in a partner that would never be trustworthy for me. The games and deceit we played in the onset would come to haunt me like no other experience in life. The worry, the pain, the fear and the frustration would become all consuming. So I drank.

Through many horrid arguments, both at complete fault, my children suffered the turmoil of the poisonous foundation our marriage was built. They suffered the hurt, insecurity and the uncertainty of what their future would bring and witnessed the selfishness of both your father and myself. And in self pity and self loathing, I drank.

I allowed individuals and people that "love" me to manipulate me and choked down their betrayals and selfishness. It was my own self loathing lack of self respect that tolerated these painful experiences. So I drank.

The longer time went on and the soul haunting feeling of my despair got deeper. My insecurity and vulnerability grew beyond management and the hatred and loss of self respect I endured became overwhelming. So I drank.

The unspeakable happened just after Christmas 2010, when I drank. I lost all control of my sanity and threw the fit of the most defiant child one could imagine, engaging everyone around me. Even those, never before witnessing such heartbreak. My rage was out of control and my children witness me at my finest hour (if you will). I had finally lost the battle with alcohol and prayed to God for help.

On New Year’s Eve 2010 I had a knock on my door from someone who would share some insight on a direction to follow. So I read, I signed up for some help and prayed to God for help.

I would drink once again after the vile December incident, January 18, 2011. And in excess, yet again, and woke to feel the same desperation and loss of hope I’ve come to know so well. And I prayed to God for help.

My name is Natalie and I am an alcoholic. I admit I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.

I have made several AA meetings now and know the direction I’m heading. I know the steps will lead me to my God and my soul's salvation. I am thinking more clearly than I have in years and more clarity is to come. It’s been quite some time since I’ve taken the bad from my life head on. I have a long road ahead of me to fight many demons. I’m beginning to learn to live one sober day at a time and experience the moment of now and do my best in that moment. I’m in great hopes that I will come to see HIS light and be able to forgive myself for so many wrongs and allow myself to turn over the things that need to be turned over. I’m in great hopes that HIS light will shine in my life once again.

I love you all with all of my heart and am so sorry for that dreadful night. My remorse is overwhelming at times. With a heavy heart and a great deal of heartbreak, I ask for your forgiveness that we may move forward on a positive path.

Please pray for me and my broken soul that needs healing. Please pray for me that I may come to know God and trust in his will. I’m having a hard time with this because of the past and I really need your prayers right now so that HE may hear you and I may be healed.

xoxoxoxoxo
Natalie

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference. AMEN

A couple of things to clarify. My husband and I had an affair (he was married, I was his 3rd affair) and my alcoholic brain told me this was the man I wanted to marry (can't help it LOL!!!!!!!!). We kept it a secret (from his family and kids) for a little over a year, of course my kids were privvy to it all as it happend right under their noses. For a year, he was living under my roof telling his kids he was living in a hotel during his seperation. And to this day my kids are afraid to talk about much of anything with his kids (even though his kids are considerably older) in fear of them saying something his kids didn't know. (oooh what a tangled web we weave!)

Also we hardly ever see his kids and there has only been two occasions where they have been "dragged" into the drunken drama (both drinking and both at fault) I still felt a need to make amends. I think it's important they know the truth. Which is something their father has a real problem with. They're probably actually thinking "Why is she telling us all of this?"

I have some major work to do on the amends I make with the people who have been directly effected by my alcoholism. Not that his kids have not been effected. A good majority of my amends will have to be made in person.

I am very sorry Pattenat, but I do not like your letter.
Who are you making amends to? For who's digressions, yours or your husbands?
Again, just had to comment, sorry if it is hurtful.

No hard feelings....
 

Hollyanne one thing I've learned in AA is everyone has an opinion and are entitled to it as well. I'm sorry you don't like my letter. I'm glad it wasn't to you ;)

However, my letter did give them some insight on the situation as well as opened new lines of communication with them. They support me in my recovery and I'm happy they know the truth about "my" life anyway.

I'm making amends to them for the very few incidents they had been exposed to and my own digressions. He can speak for himself. I cannot speak for him. I can only offer some insight on where I was at and more insight on where I am going and ask them for their support.

Thank you for your input :)

The proof is in the pudding. If it was appropriate for your relationship with them, that is good. Glad things are going well. Do you think it is early days to make amends? I would be afraid in case I am not strong enough to take the response.

IMO I think anytime is a good time to make amends and especially when it comes to family and loved ones. As far as being strong enough to take the response...

I've always told my friends God didn't make me a survivor for nothing. If either one of them decided not to forgive that would be their perogative. The important thing is that I put it out there wholly heartfelt and with complete sincerity.

In other words, I've made my peace with my particular situation with them.

And with the grace of God the forgiveness was there for me and for that I am grateful.

I'm not an alcoholic but was in a relationship with one that I have since ended. I was deeply affected by the lies, betrayals and the seemingly complete lack of awareness on his part of how his disease and behavior affected those of us who loved him. I still struggle to understand him and this disease so I come to this forum on occasion to try to gain some insight and possibly some compassion for him.

That being said, my XABF says he’s in recovery now. I have yet to receive any sort of amends from him and I have no expectations that I ever will. What I can say is IF l received a letter similar to pattenat’s from him, my only thought would be “He still just doesn’t get it.” With all due respect, the letter goes on and on about you pattenat and all the “reasons” why you drank. I read A LOT of you blaming circumstances and other people for the choices you made. I see only a single sentence expressing your regret.
As a person affected by another’s alcoholism I can tell you that all we want to here is that you “get” it. That you understand the pain you put us through and are taking responsibility for your choices. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but it isn’t a get-out-of-jail free card as far as being accountable for bad behavior.

To the OP, I would suggest clearly and concisely outlining what you did to your Ex so she knows that you get it. Don’t blame or make excuses. If you don’t know how you might be able to right some of the wrongs, ask her if there is anything she feels you can do. Let her know you are serious about living a sober life and that you are putting at least as much effort into your recovery as you did into your drinking career.

JMO

"Getting it" is the reason I started this journey. Today, I am completely committed to my recovery. I wouldn't be here if I didn't "get it".

If you looked at some of my previous posts you would probably see just how much I do get it. Drinking was my choice, I assume complete responsibility for where I ended up. Not pointing fingers at anyone but myself. I offered just a little insight on the "why" I drank. My own self loathing and self hatred for the things I was allowing to happen in my life because of alcohol.

I think me knowing his kids and offering his kids an explanation (not an excuse) of what happened ONE completely regretful night and allowing them to see my faults, my struggles, my fears, my remorse, to see ME, is what allowed them the forgiveness for us to move forward to a better relationship with one another. I am grateful that his kids are children of God and live to forgive and don't like to hold grudges or pass judgements when they don't have the whole story.

This is definetly not the approach I will be taking with my own children and others in my life that have been close enough to watch me destroy myself as well as close enough to suffer from my actions.

Thank you for the insight. The comments to my letter will help me with the bigger tasks ahead. God knows I have a list!!!

My understanding has always been that amends should be made after you've done the first eight steps and after discussing the amends with a sponsor for guidance. That's to make sure what you are doing isn't harmful to the other person or merely a way to make yourself feel better.

Wow Kjell looks like I'm knee deep too ;)

I hope the people in your life are as gracious and understand as most in mine.

Good luck with your amends :) And keep up the good work!

I would forget the template-- pray on it -- invite God in and, like inventory, use the pen as a spiritual translator after you pray.

Be clear on your mistakes, ask if you missed anything or if there is any way you harmed her that you're not aware of, and ask what can be done to make this right.

Kjell..... I liked the way Mark H and Joe H describe doing amends:

1. I'm an alcoholic, I'm in recovery now, and I'm working to clean my life up. Part of that entails cleaning up the wreckage of my past. I'm doing this because I need to set things right or I'm in danger of going back to my old ways.

2. Here's what "I think" I did to hurt you:
a -
b -
c -
....etc......

3. Is there anything I missed...... (sit, QUIETLY, and listen to their response....you don't get to interject or talk at all)

4. OK, first off I'm sorry........very sorry.....and I'm doing everything I can to make sure I don't do that stuff to you or anyone else ever again BUT.......what can I do to set that stuff right with you? What can I do to make up for it or to pay you back?

5. -take notes because you're going to need to do what they ask you to do (this, of course, is discussed with your sponsor).

6. if they let you off the hook.....you're not necessarily off the hook. amends = compensation for a loss or injury (see Websters) If you know in your heart you owe them....then you owe them.....even if they're inclined to let you off the hook.

......that's how we do them in person......so try to follow that form in your letter.

And like was mentioned above - make sure you ask God for help with the letter. On your own, yer liable to make a mess of it. :)

Dear S.______,
I’m writing to do what I can to set right the harms that I did during the
years that I was in a relationship with your mom. I’ve chosen to type rather
than phone for two reasons: First, my handwriting is pretty awful, and
second, because I want you to have something tangible that you can look at
later when life may be treating you rough. To tell you the truth, I’m tempted
to let things just stay the way they are because your mom tells me that you
have some good memories of the time we spent together. Part of me says
why mess with that? The best answer I have is that I loved you and, I’m
certain deep in my heart, whether you know it yet or not, I did you harm.
I’m sure that you were aware that during the years we were together I
was an active alcoholic. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR THAT THIS
ADMISSION IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER RELIEVES ME OF
RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. I used alcohol and drugs because
they were the only things I knew that could give me the relief from the
constant fear I felt. I was drawn to you and your family because I
desperately wanted to love and to be loved, but I was also scared to death of
the prospect of being responsible, especially to others. Emotionally I felt
like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I’m sure that it was
hard for you to figure out what was real - is the real Step-Dad the one who
wants to loves me or the one who’s pushing me away? You weren’t crazy, I
was. You were a wonderful, lovable child and you had every right to expect
consistent love, emotional support, and parenting from me. What you got
instead was fear, chaos, confusion, and abandonment. I want you to know
that I didn’t fail to give you those things because you were unlovable or
undeserving but because I was a sick and frightened man incapable of
giving.
If you feel emotionally ripped off it’s because you were. If you feel
abandoned you’re not crazy, you were. I know at some deep emotional level
it’s hard not to believe that if you were really worthy and valuable that these
things wouldn’t have happened to you. Please believe me, this just isn’t so.
You are worthy and deserving of love then and now, it was I that failed you.
S.______, I hope that you’ll accept my heartfelt regret for these and the
unlisted harms that I did to you. Should you ever want to talk about any of
this please give me a call. If I can ever be of any service to you as a friend
I’d be honored.
sincerely,
________________.

KJell, I am "young" so please take this with a grain of salt. I think it has to be your words from your heart. Template or "inspiration" seems insincere. If I were you (and I wish I was this far along), I'd sit on it more until you find your words.

Question here. Can you make amends without saying it's part of your recovery process to do so? For me it seems like it would sound like I'm supposed to instead of wanting to.

It probably depends on the situation. That's the reason you do the Steps in order, and with the help of a sponsor.

Simply tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result.
In nine cases out of ten the unexpected happens. Sometimes the man we are calling upon admits his own fault, so feuds of years’ standing melt away in an hour. Rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress.

1st edition alcoholics anonymous,p 78

they know of our drinking in most cases