Finding the right sponsor

[WakeUp]

I am on my third sponsor right now, and I think this one is permanent.
How did I find her?
This is how I did it.

My first sponsor and I seemed doomed from the start. I've heard it said the first sponsor is sometimes a wash, you learn from the experience and find another. My second sponsor let me go because she had "too much on her plate." After the first two experiences I decided to go it alone for awhile.

I got all the way to step 8 by myself. I remember getting severe criticism in meetings, criticism on SR, eventually people were almost begging me to get a sponsor. So, I had an idea, I'd look for a sponsor as if I were looking for an executive level manager. Very carefully!

I wrote out some interview questions. I didnt' interview people like you would in a job setting, but having the questions in front of me helped me to see what kind of "style", personality type, and expectations I was looking for.


I remember taking notes on people in meetings. I had a pro/con list. It's funny but on my present sponsor I put con because she was an oldtimer.
Turns out it wasn't a negative at all. She's not the sloganista/BB thumper type. She's a very kind, gentle soul who shares her experience, strength, and hope. She's not the "hard" type and she dislikes dogma or rigidity.
She picked up a coin this month with XXII on it.

She didn't raise her hand as an available sponsor either. I just talked to her a few times, then asked her to chat about a potential sponsor/sponsee relationship. We talked about mutual expectations. I found out I had to relax some of my expectations, (I'm talking of phone contact, this isn't the 30s anymore and life is more complex. People can't sit around waiting for a drunk to fall into their lap to minister to.)

It's been great so far. I think I've been on step one for three weeks now, but it's ok. I like listening to her talk, lol. She's a wonderful listener. We'll get through the steps. In the meantime, we take it as it is.

So, for finding a sponsor. Notice the title of this post is finding the right sponsor, not finding a sponsor.

Find the right sponsor. If doing ok emotionally and not drinking, take your time. But just always keep looking. Don't grab the first person you see, take your time to get to know people in meetings. Know what personality type would work best for you, what "style" hardcore vs laid back. You will face many tests in your sobriety, especialy in very early sobriety, your sponsor shouldn't be one of them. Communicate effectively, that means both in speaking and also in listening. Get feedback and also give feedback.

Most important, when you find the right sponsor, treasure him/her. It will be worth all the effort you put into your search.

Ok, so there's my advice, and like all advice you find on the Internet, take it for what it's worth.

[CarolD]

I do remember when you posted your list
glad to know you are moving forward....

[WakeUp]

Ok y'all can disagree with me, it's ok!

I'm just saying find the right sponsor, and you'll know them when you see them. Don't be surprised if the first one doesnt' work out, I've heard the first pick often times isn't the right one.

By no means am I saying find someone who'll "co-sign your bs", or tell you what you want to hear, or one who will let you slide.
The right sponsor will make you want to do the work. It's called good leadership.

[patman]

Good point. When I first tried AA two years ago (for just a couple weeks, if that) I had a sponsor that I met at the very first meeting I went to. He just sort of volunteered. I'd go to meetings with him and he'd always be pressuring me to go talk to perfect strangers and ask for their phone numbers and so forth. I have an introverted personality and was not comfortable doing that right off. He was basically making AA stressful for me.

With that said, it wasn't his fault I went back to drinking for 2 more years. I made that decision and was fully responsible for it.

[CStyle]

Originally Posted by patman

Good point. When I first tried AA two years ago (for just a couple weeks, if that) I had a sponsor that I met at the very first meeting I went to. He just sort of volunteered. I'd go to meetings with him and he'd always be pressuring me to go talk to perfect strangers and ask for their phone numbers and so forth. I have an introverted personality and was not comfortable doing that right off. He was basically making AA stressful for me.

With that said, it wasn't his fault I went back to drinking for 2 more years. I made that decision and was fully responsible for it.

It makes me wonder what could have happened if you took the suggestions of that sponsor....but alas it takes what it takes for all of us to be beat into that place of reasonableness.

I will let you know if I ever find the right sponsor. Every sponsor I have had eventually did or said something that bugged me. Personally I don't need someone to co-sign my b.s. I need someone who loves me enough to call me out and tell me the hard truths. My sponsor may not be the right one, but I sure love the guy.

[justanothrdrunk]

I know I have the right sponsor when I don't drink.

A poor sponsor is better than no sponsor.

Not to take away from the OP - good stuff there. I just know that I myself have dragged my feet (as well as have close friends in the same boat) in finding a sponsor under the guise of finding the "right" sponsor.

If I had to do it (find a sponsor as someone who is new in the program) all over again knowing what I know now, I would grab the first person I met (who meets the most basic recommendations) and ask them to sponsor me.

When I was new in the program, I didn't know what I needed (except that I needed a sponsor). And as my recovery has progressed, my needs have changed.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk

When I was new in the program, I didn't know what I needed (except that I needed a sponsor). And as my recovery has progressed, my needs have changed.

Me too. When I got the sponsors I wanted I failed. When I ended up with the only sponsor who would have me, I stayed sober.

If there is one thing that I learned from it, what I want and what I need are two different things. I now believe that there are no good/bad sponsors, just good/bad willingness to follow suggestions.

[WakeUp]

I should say also I knew joining AA was going to involve work. It involves an entire life change. I knew if I was going to walk into the rooms of AA, I had some work to do, and if I didnt' have the willingness to do the work, it wouldn't matter if I had the Dalai Lama himself for a sponsor.

[sev]

Hello everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I tend to agree with many of the others. Our success or failure in this program doesn't depend on finding the 'right' sponsor. It depends on our willingness to go to any lengths. To this day, my sponsor makes suggestions that I don't necessisarily like. However, when I mull it over, I remember that every suggestion that I've taken from her has been successful and made me grow that much more. However, that being said, if your formula works for you, that's great news! What ever it takes....ANY LENGTH. Until I decided to go to any length, I was dead in the water with my recovery.

But that's just my E-S-H

[Mark75]

Welcome Sev!!

[intention]

Hi Sev and welcome

[Slag]

Welcome SEV I like what you said!!!!

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by sev

... Until I decided to go to any length, I was dead in the water with my recovery.

Well said sev.

[CarolD]

sev....glad you decided to de lurk...
Welcome to the posting side of SR

[sev]

Thanks everyone! It's nice to be seen today.