4th step help!!

[LiveLikeGold6]

I need some help. Resentments ate like what I don't like about a person. Or does it have to be a constant nagging thought? Also, I've wrote. A lot of people down n the **** that bothers me with them but I can't define how it then affects me? Help? Let me know if you need further info! Thanks all. 19 days here

[Tommyh]

hi LLG

resentments are how I feel (anger) about others.The anger towards them,real or fancied,that is inside me.
re=do again
sentment=feel
to feel again


here was what I did on my last 4th
I prayed for guidance before I start,and then I wrote down every name of a person I had every felt anger towards.I did not stop to think about it,i wrote as they came.
I did that about 1/2 hour a day until I went 3 days with nothing new showing up.
I then did the same with Instutitions,and Principles.
I had a long list,over 500 names.I call that my grudge list.

Next I looked at my grudge list,I wrote down every name(column 1) and why I resented them(column 2).If they done me no harm,I marked them off my grudge list.If I perceived they did me harm,I wrote them down on my list (column 1) and did column 2 on them,what they did,keeping it brief as possible.
Then I went to column 3,which is , did it affect my self esteem,sex relations,personal relations,ambitions or security?If so,I wrote it
(security,personal relations,sex relations etc)down in column 3 with fear in parathses on the bottom.

when done,I had a 3 column inventory of my resentments excally as the Big Book directs.

bring God into a inventory with you,it works much better
before you start,look up and write out the definitions of these words and keep them handy as you do the inventory.
security
personal
sex
ambitions
self esteem
harms
fancied

know what you are looking for

[Dime]

Hi,
And don't forget to include people, institutions and principles.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by LiveLikeGold6

I need some help. Resentments ate like what I don't like about a person. Or does it have to be a constant nagging thought? Also, I've wrote. A lot of people down n the **** that bothers me with them but I can't define how it then affects me? Help? Let me know if you need further info! Thanks all. 19 days here

A resentment can take several forms. They can be deep seated residual anger from years ago. They can also be annoyances with other people, places, etc.

The word resentment comes from a French word which means literally to "re-feel." But resentment is more than just something I think about or something I feel. Resentment is the granddaddy of all spiritual illness.

For most of my life I had a sense of being separate and looking back, it seemed like I had a perpetual chip on my shoulder. So looking back, it is no surprise that my earliest memories were ones of resentment toward a father who wasn't the father I thought he should of have been, toward the town I lived in, toward the schools I went to, you name it. I was thirty-one years old when I wrote my first inventory. My sponsor had me make a list per the Big Book, of people institutions, and principles with whom I was angry. He told me to write a prayer at the top of the page and see what came out. I wrote this prayer "Dear God, please help me see what I need to see" and started writing.
One of the first names to come out of my pen was the name of a teacher I had when I was in the fifth grade.

I think that in the fifth grade I was about ten years old. Here I was thirty-one years old and I hadn't thought of this woman in years. What had happened is that she slapped me on the side of the head in front of the whole class, and when I wrote her name down, the same sense of outrage and embarrassment resurfaced. These had been in there all those years, distorting my thinking, giving rise to the anti-authority stances I had taken and the further resentment of any authority figure. No wonder I had felt separate most of my life! Just because you don't think about it doesn't mean that you've dealt with it or that it isn't there.

Nowadays, most of my resentments take the form of petty annoyances. For example I get resentments at a co-worker over stuff like the fact that he is moody, that he is uncouth, and that sometimes he has body odor. This leads me to treat him as if I were better than him.

The book uses some strong language for resentment-it destroys more of us than anything else, it is fatal, it is poison, it kills. Like I said, resentment is the grand daddy of all spiritual illness because it separates me from what I should not be separated from. It separates me from God and from God's children, and in that separation I become strangely insane where alcohol is concerned, in other words, the insanity of alcoholism returns and eventually I drink again. And to drink again is to die. I believe that an alcoholic doesn't have to drink again to die the alcoholic death. I believe that I start to die the alcoholic death the minute I become separate.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[Gypsy Feet]

Oooo, thanks guys, I was stuck too but that makes loads o'sense

[Gypsy Feet]

I failed at step 4. . .

see now, my sponsor hasn't done the steps in over 20 years, and admits to doing some of them in a less than thorough manner. I asked her what I should be doing, and she asked me what characteristics I had that I didn't like, but I don't know. . .

I'd like to be less insecure.

I don't really resent people I don't think. I mean, if you say "I wish so and so wasn't so hostile, but he smokes a lot of weed and has always been intense and moody, I hope he finds his way" is that resentful? I know it is judging, and I don't want to be judgmental, but I talk to my higher all the time about it, about me not being better than anyone else and all of us having our own journeys.

I resent there are cops and judges and governors etc who abuse their power. It makes me feel. . . .sick and scared, but its not something I think about much, and I reckon its just the way it is.

I have a disturbing habit of thinking how easy it would be to grab potted plants or lawn ornaments out of peoples yards and decorate my own with them. I would never do it, and I talk to my higher power when ever I catch myself thinking it.

my sponsor asked me if I was just afraid to look hard enough, or if I really felt this way, but I dont feel like I am hiding. I haven't lost any friends since I got sober (didn't have many left after that). I am in a disagreement with my intense friend because I am not passionate enough about saving the planet, so he called me a baby seal clubber =)

anyway, the meeting with my sponsor ended with her just saying to keep practicing the second and third step, and call her if I ever wanted to meet again. . .

F----- (thats an ef minus minus minus, not a cuss word!!)

[jimhere]

Do people annoy you?

I have a co-worker who is moody, uncouth, and has body odor. He made my inventory, because those characteristics and habits of his annoy the hell out of me.

Did it p*** you off when your friend called you a baby seal clubber? That would make my inventory because when I assign someone the role of friend, friends don't treat me that way. What I've really found out is that I assign the role of friend to people I don't even like.

What I really think is that you need a new sponsor.
Jim

[Gypsy Feet]

he called me a baby seal clubber cause I called him an enviro-nazi cause he hates that I drink coffee. . .

So after his rant, I apologized, because I should have never made light of his life's work and his passion.

Steppers annoy me, always having the answers, but I know you all mean well and are trying to save lives, so it seems petty to write it down. Tailgaters annoy me. prejudice annoys me. I wrote it down, felt stupid.


meh, I'll keep my eyes out but I'm over it for the time being. I like meetings, so I wanted to do the steps partially to know what the heck everyone was talking about, partially to fit in HAHA (your just not cool in the rooms til you've sone your steps you know

I do lots of "emotions" work through the codependency meditations, and so far my sobriety has all of the miracles promised, sans steps. I'm not going to force it.

[jimhere]

"I wrote it down, felt stupid."

I feel stupid sometimes after I write it down because I see how petty most of this stuff is.

So, tell me, why do you like meetings? Are you alcoholic? If, so how would you help if an alcoholic approached you in a meeting seeking help?

[justanothrdrunk]

Have you asked your sponsor about it? Try there.

[Gypsy Feet]

justanoth, L2read hahah


uhhh, I usually just say 'welcome". If it was someone who wanted to talk to me,about it, Id probably tell him to do the steps and keep coming back and one day at a time and all that other stuff. I like meetings ok, some anyway. I am powerless over alcohol once it has entered my bloodstream, so I reckon that makes me an alcoholic by bb definition.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

he called me a baby seal clubber cause I called him an enviro-nazi cause he hates that I drink coffee. . .

Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black to me.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

justanoth, L2read hahah


uhhh, I usually just say 'welcome". If it was someone who wanted to talk to me,about it, Id probably tell him to do the steps and keep coming back and one day at a time and all that other stuff. I like meetings ok, some anyway. I am powerless over alcohol once it has entered my bloodstream, so I reckon that makes me an alcoholic by bb definition.

Those questions weren't meant as personal attacks. I just ask questions.

Thanks for the honest answer.
Jim

[Gypsy Feet]

haha, I didnt take them as attacks=) No worries

[sugErspun]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

I am powerless over alcohol once it has entered my bloodstream, so I reckon that makes me an alcoholic by bb definition.

Just to clarify something..

That is only 1/2 of the big book definition of alcoholism and powerlessness..

Heck, if my only problem was a bad reaction to alcohol - I would just quit drinking.

I had a bad reaction to marijuana (after years of smoking it - I had bad reaction after bad reaction), so I stopped smoking it...simple as that. I didn't go to meetings, or ask advice or even need assistance.

Alcoholism is a little more than just being powerless over alcohol once it gets into the bloodstream. In fact, I don't know of a single person who has power of alcohol to the degree that they can drink as much as they want without getting intoxicated...now "craving" is a different story altogether. Anyhow - partially doing the steps doesn't do anything (IMO)..half measures avail nothing? Or half? Either way..

Back to the Original post: I keep it really simple, I write down the name of anything that bothers me...now or in the past. Once that list of names, places, principles (ie - following rules, corporate structure, etc etc) I move on to the second part of the resentment inventory (the way I do it is 4-parts).

[Gypsy Feet]

I dont have craving, not since the day I quit anyway. One day I was real sad over a boy, and I thought "if I still drank, I could totally make this go away", but no cravings.

Ice cream now, thats another story

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

I dont have craving, not since the day I quit anyway. One day I was real sad over a boy, and I thought "if I still drank, I could totally make this go away", but no cravings.

Ice cream now, thats another story

I could be wrong, but I think you are missing something here.

A craving for alcohol is a physical phenomenon. It only happens when an alcoholic drinks alcohol. If it isn't in your system, you can't be craving alcohol.

[Gypsy Feet]

oh while I am drinking. . .entirely possible then, as I never drank just one. I don't specifically remember craving it while it was in my hand, but my understanding is that I am an alcoholic. I reckon for me its like believing in a HP. If I believe it and it isn't so, no harm done. If I don't believe it and it is so, I could be in deep shite.

[McGowdog]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

I don't specifically remember craving it while it was in my hand, but my understanding is that I am an alcoholic.

Absolutely my experience too.

If you saw me with drink in hand, I would deny any talk of craving... and would be far away from you people. I would just look like I was extremely thirstly.

Now... try to take booze away from me after I've quenched a bit of that thirst... and you will see craving full-on.

[sugErspun]

I am glad that the question "Do I have alcoholism?" was made so easy to answer. (using the AA definition)

-Have I ever drank more than I planned on drinking?
-Have I ever tried to control the amount I would drink?
-If I have tried controlled drinking. Did I EVER fail? (You know, "I am gonna just have 6 or 8 beers" turns out to be "3am and I got work in the morning, I guess I will call in sick because we still got a case and I am going strong")
-How does the idea of having a few drinks - then having to stop, appeal to me?
(these questions ONLY have to do with my physical reaction to alcohol)


Now - have I ever tried to just quit? Can I "not drink"? What is my experience with trying (specifically)?

I guess at the time - I found it rather urgent to know if I had alcoholism or not...the idea that I might not was scary (then wtf is wrong with me?!?) The realization that I did was devastating. I had to use actual life experience to identify - there was no grey area.