Resentment I think I'll take to the grave

[LegalLady]

Okay, what do you do when you have a rentment that you just can't get over. I've written it down, I talked to my sponsor. I pray on it constantly to the point where I'm waiting for God to come down himself and say "Get Over It." I'm so angry.

I was told that I don't have to entertain my thoughts but I swear, I just want to go out and prove these people wrong. Which everytime I try to prove a point, I just really screw everything up.

Every time it pops in my head, I just want to make a phone call. I keep calling my sponsor now so I don't call this person but how many times can I talk about the same thing.

I swear I'm gonna take this one to the grave. And that's just not right.

[Music]

Do you want to be "right" or "happy"?

[Believe808]

Funny how we hang on to a resentment and the person we resent doesn't even let a minute go by thinking of us. Why allow them to rent all that space in your head?

[LegalLady]

Ha, takes someone to say something that makes sense. Right or happy? Well of course I want to be happy. But my little evil side will be happier if this person would understand that he's a cheeseball. Okay. How immature do I sound. Ugh.

Except the things I cannot change - people, places and things.
Courage to change the things I can - ME and surrendering.
And the wisdom to know the difference - Do I want to be happy or right (thanks MUSIC)

[Astro]

I'm often directed to page 552 in the Big Book. Continue to pray, eventually you'll be freed of that anger and resentment. I find that I have to revisit those same prayers often, the resentment creeps back up and attacks me again.

I've entertained my thoughts and proved my point, to do it I dragged my ex's new husband out of my old house and pounded him senseless with my fists. That earned me a restraining order and an assault charge. That's not right. You're very correct about these things.....

Accept the things I cannot change - people, places and things.
Courage to change the things I can - ME and surrendering.
And the wisdom to know the difference - Do I want to be happy or right?

And the other question I've learned to ask myself..... "How free do I want to be?" Positive action and good intentions can answer that.

[soberat23]

i like how you "accidentally" put down rentment instead of resentment. its perfect!!!! this person is getting free "rent" in your head and they dont even know. your giving up your serenity and peace of mind. i know its hard, but let it go. ive done the same thing myself, letting people take up masion size rent in my head.

[McGowdog]

I don't mean to get nosy or pressure you for details, but I'm having a hard time determining whether your pride was hurt (how you think others see you) and it's an ego thing... or if they did you wrong and/or caused you harm.

It doesn't matter. You can treat it the same way. When you say you've written it down, did you do the full 4th Step treatment?

Resentful at:......... The Cause:............................... Affects my:...........

fellow AA member. Told me to shut up and go outside. Self esteem; I am a step worker, Mr A.A.

.................................................. ............................Security; I need approval, respect

.................................................. ............................Ambition; I want accord, praise and adulation

.................................................. .....................Personal relations; lesser men do not threaten real men

My part? Some really nice lady was chairing the meeting and I interupted her when she was posing a topic. She said the 9th Step promises were the last in the book. I said, "What about the 10th step promises? There's all kinds of promises.

So I was right! How dare they question me... What about my attitude and how I interrupted the meeting?

I since met with this guy, made amends to him about my behavior to her first off... then my responding to and answering his threat to me. We hugged it out and he appologized for his part and agreed what really burned him was that I went after her... the nicest lady in A.A. and Alanon.

So very quickly, I got free of it. But I did not go to that meeting for over a week. Speaking of meeting, I'm off to it now.

Hope that helps a bit.

[LegalLady]

Oh, I'm certain I played a part. As I wrote it down, my part is my reaction to how I handled their inappropriate behavior. You know the evil tongue making their wrongs my wrongs.

And yes my EGO is totally hurt because I've invested all this time and money into this service work and the ones working on it with me want to talk about how if they only beleive in Jesus, addictions will go away. This is not an AA program that I do this service work for. Uh, I believed in Jesus the entire time I drank, but the worst of the worst is these holier than thous are possibly dabbling in the substances themselves and yelling at others not to. So I brought it up in confidence to one of the ministry leaders and it was blabbed to others (of course). It went from thank you for letting us know to everyone thinking I'm a jerk. And yes, this is dealing with addictive people like myself. And I know some are sicker than others. I kinda typed this fast so I hope you get the jest of it.

[Ago]

"more will be revealed"

That is all

Carry on

[LuvinMe]

Great topic.. I think we all suffer. It's an on going process that never go away. Resent this or resent that... It could be something so small but realizing that u r resentful is the 1st step.

What I have found, that work for me is prayer.. And I mean ALOT of PRAYER because I can also become very vindictive behind resentment. I truly believe that it affect our pride and EGO..

"THEY MUST NOT KNOW ABOUT ME, I'LL DO X, Y, Z"...

In the end you only hurt yourself worse by needing and wanting validation from other humans just as sick as you..

Walk away and let it go, everything in life happen for a reason and trust me it's a message behind it that you havent picked up yet.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

like they say, drinking is but a symptom of our disease


Best revenge in life is living well

[sugErspun]

One thing that has always been helpful to me:

Even if "my part" is only 5% - I am 100% responsible for that part and must make ammends for it....but I CANNOT DO THAT. Hence, we tap a power which makes this possible.

There is also something about those who wronged us being spiritually sick themselves...I don't necessarily think that being able to view them as such leads to ammends, but it makes it easier for me to get off my horse. However, I do agree that we can ask to view them with the same compassion we would a sick friend. Love and tolerance? Ya..

Lastly - I saw the truth in the statement that "our problems are of our own making". Once that happened (me seeing the truth), it was not possible to justify a resentment. It doesn't mean I don't get them, or somehow go through life immune...it just helps.




bb ref: First Edition

[McGowdog]

When I last shared my story with a group that I am close to, one of my main mentors came to me at dinner and talked to me about what I'd learned from my past bouts of slipping over 5 years and 9 months ago. He said, what did you learn? Why is it different for you now?

All I could seem to see was, when I traveled, I got in fear and away from the group and meetings and I drank again. He asked me to consider some stuff. We looked at where I set the ball rolling before that. It had nothing to do with my circumstances or the travel. It had everything to do with... I got a resentment way back here... arranged my life to full-tilt boogie failure... so I could drink again. And, I did!

LL, do you think your take-it-to-the-grave resentment has anything to do with whether you'll drink booze again and die or go to prison or go nuts?

[Sugah]

I used to have a very serious ego problem about other people's resentments. I'd hear, "So&so said X about me," or "So&so stole from me," or "So&so is living in the house I bought," etc., and my thoughts were -- wow, that all you have to be resentful about?

Because when I did my 5th step with my sponsor, I said, "Here's the list of animals I'll never forgive, may they all rot in hell." And I told her why I held the resentments -- nothing I need to recount here, but you all have an imagination. She asked me, "What do you think must have been done to them to make them do those things?" And I prayed on it in that way. One day, it occurred to me that me forgiving them doesn't absolve them. I don't have that power. It's between them and God. By forgiving them, I release them from their hold on me--which is really my hold on what they did to me. I could be free. Their freedom was their business, if they chose to pursue it.

And today I'm free -- except when I pick up one of those resentments that I used to make fun of. Thank God I have a 10th step to deal with it...and that's the E, S & H I now share with others.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[lizw]

Hey LL, funny how god uses other people for his work...

Myself and my sponsor have just had a similar discussion about how much to disclose about myself as I have started going to church. And she reminded me that church people can be as sick as any other and church attendance makes no difference.

Like yourself I expect church attenders to be 'spiritual people' and most of them probably are but sometimes the loudest proclaimer is the most insecure one and the proclaiming is a cover/defense.

I'm not saying this is the case with you and your situation, what I am saying is I understand where you coming from and would probably feel the same way. It's a good reminder tho that faith in god is more important/solid then faith in any man.

Hope you're feeling better.

[jimhere]

Here is something to consider:

Could it be that maybe it will take you to the grave?

[LuvinMe]

Originally Posted by sugErspun

One thing that has always been helpful to me:

Even if "my part" is only 5% - I am 100% responsible for that part and must make ammends for it....but I CANNOT DO THAT. Hence, we tap a power which makes this possible.

There is also something about those who wronged us being spiritually sick themselves...I don't necessarily think that being able to view them as such leads to ammends, but it makes it easier for me to get off my horse. However, I do agree that we can ask to view them with the same compassion we would a sick friend. Love and tolerance? Ya..

Lastly - I saw the truth in the statement that "our problems are of our own making". Once that happened (me seeing the truth), it was not possible to justify a resentment. It doesn't mean I don't get them, or somehow go through life immune...it just helps.




bb ref: First Edition

That's deep!!! 100% TRUTH!!! AHHHHH...

[jimhere]

"Oh, I'm certain I played a part. As I wrote it down, my part is my reaction to how I handled their inappropriate behavior. You know the evil tongue making their wrongs my wrongs."

There is no 'my part and their part'. As long as I believe that you still have a part, I will never get free. It's all my part.

Another consideration:

Do you want to be owned by those whom you resent? You can get free you know, but first you have to set them free.
Jim

[Clutch B]

We read p. 90 in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in a meeting tonight.

It touches on how we alcoholics think we're indulging ourselves in the luxury of justifiable anger, but actually, we're being victimized by it.

You may think you're taking it to the grave, but like Jim said, more likely it's taking you.

[BP44]

Jim is right on the money. The 4th column, I think is the only thing that makes inventory work for me. Quite frankly, it doesn't help me to think of them as spiritually sick. And it's never been much of a help to look at "their part" and "my part". Those aren't the instructions anyway. The instructions are quite clear.....we disregarded the other person ENTIRELY, and resolutely looked at where we had been wrong. Until I'm willing to do that, I will remain a victim. And there isn't any way I'm gonna get free like that. The 4th column is what has enabled me to truly see that my troubles are of my own making, ALWAYS. Probably one of the greatest messages of hope in the entire book. Inventory has become an incredible tool for that reason.

[FightingIrish]

I heard someone explain it tonight thus:

"If I punch you in the face, and you're still angry about it a week from now, you've got the problem."

Harsh but kind of funny. I don't need to wait for anybody else to feel better.

[trucker]

Originally Posted by LegalLady

Okay, what do you do when you have a rentment that you just can't get over. I've written it down, I talked to my sponsor. I pray on it constantly to the point where I'm waiting for God to come down himself and say "Get Over It." I'm so angry.

I was told that I don't have to entertain my thoughts but I swear, I just want to go out and prove these people wrong. Which everytime I try to prove a point, I just really screw everything up.

Every time it pops in my head, I just want to make a phone call. I keep calling my sponsor now so I don't call this person but how many times can I talk about the same thing.

I swear I'm gonna take this one to the grave. And that's just not right.

oh ive had a few of those.

the "yeah buts"
at least one through gritted teeth....i despised the person..

im still not keen on the guy.....but thats not what its about.
its about my bit..how ever big that bit is..

i did the deal because i desperately wanted to keep hold of the peace and contentment that was starting to seep in my brain.
selfish....yes but it was all i could do at the time.

i believe what the book said about resentments and i didnt wanna go back.

good luck.

[LegalLady]

Thanks everyone, you are all so strong about it. I still consider myself a newbie, but did it really work that fast for you when your wrote it down and saw your 100 percent. That is what is really troubling me. I can see this is my problem, but I can't control my feelings and my emotions. I'm finally to the point in this program that I want what others have but does it come that easy for you all. I'm always worried about my motives and my intentions and this constant thinking thinking thinking. And I look at everyone's outsides and think that its just so simple for you all and me, I just want to see where I'm wrong, pray about it AND GET OVER IT. My mind is still so messy. I think this second year is about as rough as the first. A lot of trash in my head.

[LuvinMe]

Originally Posted by LegalLady

Thanks everyone, you are all so strong about it. I still consider myself a newbie, but did it really work that fast for you when your wrote it down and saw your 100 percent. That is what is really troubling me. I can see this is my problem, but I can't control my feelings and my emotions. I'm finally to the point in this program that I want what others have but does it come that easy for you all. I'm always worried about my motives and my intentions and this constant thinking thinking thinking. And I look at everyone's outsides and think that its just so simple for you all and me, I just want to see where I'm wrong, pray about it AND GET OVER IT. My mind is still so messy. I think this second year is about as rough as the first. A lot of trash in my head.

It's not easy at all.. It takes a lot of work!!! EVERY SINGLE DAY. Continue to stay passionate about over-coming this isssue & you will begin to learn to control your feelings and emotions!! At least on the surface & minus reactions.

Hope that made sense, it's early here..

[Mark75]

No it's not easy, simple , but not easy...

From where I sit reading your posts, whatever harm was done to you is miniscule and irrelevant compared the harm you are doing to yourself with this resentment.

I know, you know that, that's what everyone is telling you....

Pray for that person everyday until God removes your resentment for you.

Mark