I don't get it. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

CDawg5591 · 09-22-2009, 03:48 PM

After all these years I know as much now as I did the day I was born. I know nothing. I have sat on the outside looking in, not just at AA but at life and I don't get it. Some people seemingly pick it up right off, it appears so natural to them. I'm talking about AA and I'm talking about life and I am talking about my neighbors dog, all of it. I am truly an alien here, a spiritual being stuck in this primordial ooze thing called a body trying to do this thing they call life. It has never made sense to me and it never will. I have felt a sick and twisted mess right up until this day. Now I'm looking around and thinking, am I the sick and twisted mess or is it this world. That's a tough call for me, as I said I know as much as the day I was born.

I'm not going to do it anymore. I have never been able to follow the rules and I'm not even going to try any more. I quit, I will no longer fight. Instead I am putting down my fists surrendering all the sickness and walking away a free soul. I don't get it nor do I care to anymore. I am free.

The world as I thought I once knew it no longer is a factor, it counts for nothing to me, it is a lost cause. This life has been like the peeling of the onion so many talk about. Not getting it I have had to move towards freedom one thin layer at a time. Such a slow process for me I don't know when it happened.....this freedom thing. Removing some of the layers has taken my breath a way and brought me to my knees with tears of joy at the beauty of what I don't understand. The removing of others has taken my breath away and brought me to me knees aghast at the horror of what I thought I was.

I came to this place with nothing and I will leave with nothing. To hold on to anything in this foriegn place is to be imprisoned. I'm not waiting until I leave this life to have nothing. I'm giving it all away right now. It's not mine, never was, and so instead of trying to get it I am giving it all away.

I am free now.

Mark75 · 09-22-2009, 04:06 PM

Welcome to SR... Hope you stick around awhile!!

Mark

Music · 09-22-2009, 07:29 PM

Sounds like a plan. Enjoy!!

**Dee74** · 09-23-2009, 03:15 AM

Welcome to 12 Step support CDawg

D

CDawg5591 · 09-23-2009, 07:48 AM

Thanks guys.

***nandm*** · 09-23-2009, 10:32 AM

Welcome to SR

Wolfchild · 09-23-2009, 10:47 AM

Puddy · 09-23-2009, 12:20 PM

That was a pretty cool surrender!

**Astro** · 09-23-2009, 12:28 PM

Great way to introduce yourself, welcome!

**CarolD** · 09-23-2009, 01:00 PM

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism 12 Step Support Forum.

09-22-2009, 03:48 PM	#1 (permalink)
CDawg5591 Guest Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 7	I don't get it. After all these years I know as much now as I did the day I was born. I know nothing. I have sat on the outside looking in, not just at AA but at life and I don't get it. Some people seemingly pick it up right off, it appears so natural to them. I'm talking about AA and I'm talking about life and I am talking about my neighbors dog, all of it. I am truly an alien here, a spiritual being stuck in this primordial ooze thing called a body trying to do this thing they call life. It has never made sense to me and it never will. I have felt a sick and twisted mess right up until this day. Now I'm looking around and thinking, am I the sick and twisted mess or is it this world. That's a tough call for me, as I said I know as much as the day I was born. I'm not going to do it anymore. I have never been able to follow the rules and I'm not even going to try any more. I quit, I will no longer fight. Instead I am putting down my fists surrendering all the sickness and walking away a free soul. I don't get it nor do I care to anymore. I am free. The world as I thought I once knew it no longer is a factor, it counts for nothing to me, it is a lost cause. This life has been like the peeling of the onion so many talk about. Not getting it I have had to move towards freedom one thin layer at a time. Such a slow process for me I don't know when it happened.....this freedom thing. Removing some of the layers has taken my breath a way and brought me to my knees with tears of joy at the beauty of what I don't understand. The removing of others has taken my breath away and brought me to me knees aghast at the horror of what I thought I was. I came to this place with nothing and I will leave with nothing. To hold on to anything in this foriegn place is to be imprisoned. I'm not waiting until I leave this life to have nothing. I'm giving it all away right now. It's not mine, never was, and so instead of trying to get it I am giving it all away. I am free now.

09-22-2009, 04:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
Mark75 Friend of Bill W. Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Looking for snow Posts: 5,610	Welcome to SR... Hope you stick around awhile!! Mark __________________ "Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."....Philo of Alexandria "Your fear of the future is your greatest mistake." .... Stephen Kellogg

09-22-2009, 07:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
Music Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Zion, Illinois Posts: 2,535	Sounds like a plan. Enjoy!! __________________

09-23-2009, 03:15 AM	#4 (permalink)
Dee74 SR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 42,620	Welcome to 12 Step support CDawg D __________________ “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”Lao Tzu

09-23-2009, 10:32 AM	#6 (permalink)
*nandm* Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is Posts: 6,580	Welcome to SR __________________ NOTE: All BB quotes are from the 1st Edition of the Big Book Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

09-23-2009, 07:48 AM	#5 (permalink)
CDawg5591 Guest Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 7	Thanks guys.

09-23-2009, 10:47 AM	#7 (permalink)
Wolfchild Disposable Hero Tournaments Won: 3 Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Being, ME Posts: 3,758 Blog Entries: 3	__________________ Any clean addict is a miracle and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender, and growth

09-23-2009, 12:20 PM	#8 (permalink)
Puddy Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 184	That was a pretty cool surrender!

09-23-2009, 12:28 PM	#9 (permalink)
Astro Forum Leader Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family! Posts: 11,845	Great way to introduce yourself, welcome! __________________ "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---WOW-What a ride!"

09-23-2009, 01:00 PM	#10 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie Posts: 34,835	Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism 12 Step Support Forum. __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

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