Resentment

[Cubile75]

I am posting here in the 12 step forum. I need some experience, strength and hope.

When I went to rehab, I didn't want to go. It was to save my career. I was already trying the easier softer way... cutting down, stopping the pills... not any success with stopping the alcohol though, none whatsoever...

I remember being in the courtyard... a sunny afternoon in September, my first Saturday at rehab, we had "free time"... playing bocce ball... I had found out the day before that what I thought was going to be a week in rehab was really going to be 8 to 12 weeks...

I was indignant, angry, humiliated... In a surreal moment, well, almost a literary moment, I imagined myself as a kid, maybe 12 (I am 51)... picking up the bocce ball... hurling it through the large plate glass windows on the second floor that overlooked the courtyard. It was the conference room where the counsellors, those that had "sealed my fate", met twice a week. Oh!, the pandemonium that would ensue... And me, surly and recalcitrant on the grounds of the rehab in the middle of all the commotion... "F*CK YOU!" would be all I'd say.

It'll be a year next month.

In some ways, my recovery has been good... I have lost the obsession over alcohol, I do not crave the drink, I feel strong in the 3rd step. I am on my 5th step, though not moving forward. I enjoy the fellowship of AA. Without it, my head would explode.

But sometimes I still feel like that kid I imagined in the courtyard.

My bottom was "shallow"... is what I've been told anyway. That may be... but I am an alcoholic... I am on the side of a cliff overlooking a much lower bottom. I know the answer is in the steps... Probably the sixth where I become willing to ask God to remove my defects of character.

I don't expect, nor even want, anyone to provide me the answer that only I can answer. I know that I should just work the steps.... But for those of you with whom this resonates... what was your experience?

Mark

[Rob B]

The 1st time through formal step work was an incredibly intense transformative period in my life, I discarded all that I was not, and my true self came to the front. The "magic" for me happened in ammends, these days I stay current with step one, and practice the principles laid out in the book.

MY experience is that when I follow the directions from Upon awakening until when we retire, my days go smoothly. Deeping my meditation practicing and being with what is instead of reacting or trying to change is a big part of my current experience, it has given me a greater level of freedom. There are surrenders beyond surrenders, if you stay on the path you will experience this yourself.

[Cubile75]

There are surrenders beyond surrenders

I think I know what you mean, at least I know what it means to me. What blocks us? Is it resentment?

Mark

[kwigers]

Originally Posted by Cubile75

I am posting here in the 12 step forum. I need some experience, strength and hope.

I am on my 5th step, though not moving forward. I enjoy the fellowship of AA. Without it, my head would explode.


Mark

Hi Mark,
Real or imagined, resentments are not something I can live with, if I choose sobriety.
My ego always wants to take me back to resentments, back to hating something I have moved beyond, something I have forgiven, something I gave to God.
My ego would love it if I returned to drinking, but only for a short while, until I actually picked up, then my ego would turn its ugly head around and begin the self beatings, the telling me what a looser I am, and all that stuff...
My ego is like a child throwing a temper tantrum, angry, conniving, and manipulative.
So what if you went to treatment for whatever reason, so what...
So what if someone did not give you choice...neither does alcoholism...
So what...whatever your ego is attempting to convince you of today to be angry about yesterday.
So what if your ego is afraid to move forward in the steps, move anyway!
When you ego starts up again, simply tell it that you love it, and know that it is afraid, and that it is alright, you can handle this, with or without ego!
Have a fabulous day!
~Cheryl

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

[FightingIrish]

Surrender of surrender...boy I can relate to that.

When I got out of rehab, got deep into A.A., and got started on step work, I kept thinking to myself, "ok, once I am through with this long dark night of the soul, all my dreams will come true and I will be back on track."

It didn't quite happen that way. Once I was sober physically and a bit mentally, I was still holding on to "terms", with a definite idea of "how things should be." I began to obsess about every aspect of my life...money, getting out of debt, getting ahead at my job, re-building a social life, finding a relationship, getting back to what I thought was "supposed" to be "my life."

I had a lot of resentment about having lost so much time. I saw people around me who were around my age buying second homes, celebrating 10th wedding/relationship anniversaries, having their second or third child. "What do I have," I thought, "I've wasted so much time and I'll never catch up."

And this was after having been through each of the steps with my sponsor.

I had to really do some continued inventory work on these resentments over many lunches with my sponsor. I don't know how it happened or when, but I have slowly but surely come to be incredibly grateful for what I have, and to see the many ways in which I am quite fortunate.

Despite the fact that many things in my life are up in the air, I have been able to be content and at peace in simply attending to the day to day tasks ahead of me TODAY. Combined with much work with alcoholics, I am at peace today.

I am no longer vacillating between "oh you've got to be kidding me!" (when something would not go my way or happen on my schedule) and "it's about frickin' time!" (when something would go the way I hoped or better than expected).

Originally Posted by Cubile75

I think I know what you mean, at least I know what it means to me. What blocks us? Is it resentment?

Mark

[navysteve]

Mark,
Resentments have been one of the biggest influences both positive and negative in my recovery. My resentment towards my father filled me with rage and nearly drove me to drink but also was the impetus for me moving onward with the steps, so it is hard to view it as something altogether bad.My defects, or instincts which exceed their purpose ( I like that description) are often times the inspiration which drives me closer to God. I resented what AA was turning into in front of my eyes, so I left, thinking that if I avoided the source of my resentment it would not cause me any woes ( it is amazing that I could think such a thing having reaped the rewards of the steps). Resentment again came creeping in and dominated me, but drew me closer to my God in ways that I never had known ( Oh yeah, I returned to AA because it is where God wants me) . My tolerance for the actions of others is at a level I could never imagine. For me steps six and seven were the answer. Alot of stuff is not said about them in the Big Book so alot of folks treat them as if they are "no-brainers". For me that was not the case. When the truth about who I was became evident ( through my 5th step) living in the way I previously had known became more and more unacceptable. I have had to hit several emotional bottoms in ( and out) of AA. All have been tied to a resentment in one way or another. I can tell you that at this moment they do not rule me. But like Rob said :

I follow the directions from Upon awakening until when we retire, my days go smoothly.

Of course this takes practice however...

I have tried many different paths since getting sober and have always returned to the simple perfection of the 12 steps. They have been working ( when I work them) for almost 20 years now.

You can have this freedom too

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by navysteve

For me steps six and seven were the answer. Alot of stuff is not said about them in the Big Book so alot of folks treat them as if they are "no-brainers". For me that was not the case. When the truth about who I was became evident ( through my 5th step) living in the way I previously had known became more and more unacceptable.

Yea, I get that... looking at 6th and 7th absolutely are not no-brainers for me... That's when I think my ego must want to reach down and grab that bocce ball and hurl it through the biggest window it can find...

But you said something too... "When the truth about who I was became evident..."

Hmmm

Pieces of truth come dribbling through, slowly.... This is the hardest thing I've ever done... what is the truth about who I was???... I assume you meant something more than simply... "I am an alcoholic".

When I look in the mirror it is a stranger... I don't dislike him, I just don't know him.

I'm getting off track... Thanx everyone who responded so far....This is the discussion I was hoping to have.

Mark

[jimhere]

Mark,

It has been my experience that in the living of the human condition, one can't escape getting a resentment once in a while. Hell, I get some good ones. Thing is, they are not deep resentments, ones that have roots that go deep and have been growing for years like the stuff I brought to my first time through the steps. But I still get them, that is the book says "When these crop up..." not "If they crop up."

But why hate resentment? It is kind of like hating booze. Don't hate what gets you to God. Look at the positive side of everything. Say "Thank you God for this resentment. It is another opportunity to get closer to You."
Jim

[navysteve]

"When the truth about who I was became evident..."

Before AA, everything that ever happened to me was someone elses fault. I was not responsible for any of it. I was a victim. I never identified traits like:
Selfishness
Fear
Resentment ( Sh!t I had a good reason to hate those bastards!)
Greed

I could go on an on on my list of lesser attributes...

Identifying them did not remove them. Step 6 and 7 are simply another form of turning our will over, but now we have a slightly clearer picture of those things which block us from God and our fellow man.

My father abused me so in my mind he deserved everything he got in life. When I made amends ( remember the word ALL people we had harmed???? They put that dirty little three letter word in there on purpose) I began to see my father as a spiritually sick man who did the best he could. That is quite a transformation and no small miracle considering the scars I had both inside and out from him.

Today, as long as I am free to wallow in those destructive corrosive thoughts and feelings I am not free from who I was. Today, the man I was is a stranger. Today I am recovered.

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by navysteve

Before AA, everything that ever happened to me was someone elses fault. I was not responsible for any of it. I was a victim.

My father abused me so in my mind he deserved everything he got in life.

Today, as long as I am free to wallow in those destructive corrosive thoughts and feelings I am not free from who I was.

Thanx Steve...

This is something I am having a hard time getting through my thick head... walls of denial and self pity that I've built up for myself.

See, I was of the type that is discussed in the Big Book... I always thought I was a "pretty good guy"... the one who actually may pose a bigger challenge, one who may not see his character defects/resentments... so, until I find what is blocking me, my inventory is incomplete, I don't want to have my defects removed, I want to stay the person I was... I am a victim... like the 12 year old held against his will for something that was not his fault... yes!!! (My mother passed me a joint when I was 12, my father grew pot in the back yard and left amphetamines in prescription bottles around the house, or at least where I could find it.... I was a victim.... not my fault nearly 40 years later when I broke all the rules....)

Steve, your post starkly revealed this... you were the victim... mistreated as a youth... not your fault.... your father was the one who mistreated you... easy to see your father's sickness... and maybe not your own??

I hope that came out right!!?

Thanx
Mark

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by jimhere

Say "Thank you God for this resentment. It is another opportunity to get closer to You."

You know... I said that my experience in the courtyard was surreal or literary... That image has been one that has haunted me...

It was spiritual... God gave me that image... A gift... I need to use it!

Mark

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by kwigers

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Happy.

Good stuff on the ego... Mine is terrified... you nailed it.


Mark

[barb dwyer]

I remember coming on here and posting right before I went to do my fifth step.

And I asked, "Is it normal to be scared?"

and about thirty people said ....

Yes.

then they said -
go do it anyway.

and I did.

And it changed... everything.

Good for you!

Now finish the job.

You'll be amazed before you're halfway through.

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by Cubile75

I think I know what you mean, at least I know what it means to me. What blocks us? Is it resentment?

Mark

The thinking mind blocks me, Kwigers talked about the Ego, I define ego as false sense of self (aka all the stuff the 3rd column reveals) , once you are current with ammends and more comfortable with the daily practice of 10-11, I would recommend working with Eckart Tolle's The power of now, another teacher who has helped me is a man by the Name of Anthony DeMello, check out Awareness, The perils and opportunities of reality, also his book The way to love. Similar to the Big BOok, these are books to have an experience with. Funny how some of my greatest teachers are men I have never sat face to face with.

The fantastic news is that all my troubles are of my making, sit with this for a bit and tell me why this is such a statement of hope
(no help from guys who know the answer let Mark be with this)

[bballdad]

I was a victim.... not my fault nearly 40 years later when "I" broke all the rules

as long as I blamed people,places or things for my failures,I remained sick and living in the big lie.I found I had to take responsibility for every drop of booze and every drug I did along with the rest of the harms to myself and others.I too was a victim at a young age,but I remained a victim only in my mind,the incident did not happen 20 yrs later,but inside my mind it was.By holding onto it,I could escape the Great Reality,God,and blame you and stay sick and irresponsible myself.

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by Rob B

The fantastic news is that all my troubles are of my making, sit with this for a bit and tell me why this is such a statement of hope

Choice

So much of the language of the twelve steps is about decisions and actions that we make for ourselves.... "Entirely Ready"... "Came to Believe"... "Turn Our Will and Lives Over"... "Made a Searching and Fearless...".... "Made Direct Amends"...

These are not things that just happen to us.... We have the power to choose to do this.... or not. We can take action. If we do these things we will experience a spiritual awakening. We will tap into the power of our higher power. Greater than our own.

Or we can take no action... and sit here with the problems of our own making.

Choice

?

Mark

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by FightingIrish

Surrender of surrender...boy I can relate to that.

When I got out of rehab, got deep into A.A., and got started on step work, I kept thinking to myself, "ok, once I am through with this long dark night of the soul, all my dreams will come true and I will be back on track."

It didn't quite happen that way. Once I was sober physically and a bit mentally, I was still holding on to "terms", with a definite idea of "how things should be." I began to obsess about every aspect of my life...money, getting out of debt, getting ahead at my job, re-building a social life, finding a relationship, getting back to what I thought was "supposed" to be "my life."

I had a lot of resentment about having lost so much time. I saw people around me who were around my age buying second homes, celebrating 10th wedding/relationship anniversaries, having their second or third child. "What do I have," I thought, "I've wasted so much time and I'll never catch up."

And this was after having been through each of the steps with my sponsor.

I had to really do some continued inventory work on these resentments over many lunches with my sponsor. I don't know how it happened or when, but I have slowly but surely come to be incredibly grateful for what I have, and to see the many ways in which I am quite fortunate.

Despite the fact that many things in my life are up in the air, I have been able to be content and at peace in simply attending to the day to day tasks ahead of me TODAY. Combined with much work with alcoholics, I am at peace today.

I am no longer vacillating between "oh you've got to be kidding me!" (when something would not go my way or happen on my schedule) and "it's about frickin' time!" (when something would go the way I hoped or better than expected).

I thought about saying this via private message, but I think saying it publicly is the way to go.

I have really enjoyed reading your posts lately. You've come a long way.
Jim

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by Cubile75

Choice

So much of the language of the twelve steps is about decisions and actions that we make for ourselves.... "Entirely Ready"... "Came to Believe"... "Turn Our Will and Lives Over"... "Made a Searching and Fearless...".... "Made Direct Amends"...

These are not things that just happen to us.... We have the power to choose to do this.... or not. We can take action. If we do these things we will experience a spiritual awakening. We will tap into the power of our higher power. Greater than our own.

Or we can take no action... and sit here with the problems of our own making.

Choice

?

Mark

I see where you are coming from, it's not the perspective I was thinking of, but I like this view as well. A friend of mine says the only choice he will ever have to make again is God is everything or nothing. This is true for me as well. I can choose to go within and experience God in the now (which is the only time this will happen) or I can go without, and see where that gets me.

Here's an exercise one of my teachers showed me. Have an experience with page 62. It contains some vital information. I am told what the problem is, who causes the problem, what the penalty is, and who fixes the problem. Read this page, sit with it, see if you can answer these 4 questions from an experiential place. Watch the thinking mind, as it will always want to jump to the answer, bipassing any kind of current experiencing. The most important part of a question is being in the middle of it.

[Cubile75]

I experienced page 62... I applied my experience in the first post of this thread to the 4 questions.

Anything I say would just trivialize it... I get it Rob, thanx

"in the past we have made decisions that placed us in a position to be hurt..."

Mark

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by Cubile75

I know that I should just work the steps.... But for those of you with whom this resonates... what was your experience?
Mark

The more that I work steps 10,11 & 12 the simpler it gets (not always easy).

10. Recognize my delusional thinking.

11. Appeal for help.

12. Become other-centered and detach from my self-centeredness.


It works so well that I would even say "It is a Spiritual Axiom" that when I

"practice these principles in all my affairs" I suddenly realize that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

[todd6138]

what is recalcitrant? Congratulations on your year plus of sobriety and i have enjoyed your topic!

[Puddy]

I farted around at this thing until I was damn near dead. Then I got serious.

Doesn't have to be that way with you or anyone else, that's the good news.

[Puddy]

Originally Posted by FightingIrish

Surrender of surrender...boy I can relate to that.

It didn't quite happen that way. Once I was sober physically and a bit mentally, I was still holding on to "terms", with a definite idea of "how things should be." I began to obsess about every aspect of my life...money, getting out of debt, getting ahead at my job, re-building a social life, finding a relationship, getting back to what I thought was "supposed" to be "my life."

I had a lot of resentment about having lost so much time. I saw people around me who were around my age buying second homes, celebrating 10th wedding/relationship anniversaries, having their second or third child. "What do I have," I thought, "I've wasted so much time and I'll never catch up."

And this was after having been through each of the steps with my sponsor.

I had to really do some continued inventory work on these resentments over many lunches with my sponsor. I don't know how it happened or when, but I have slowly but surely come to be incredibly grateful for what I have, and to see the many ways in which I am quite fortunate.

Despite the fact that many things in my life are up in the air, I have been able to be content and at peace in simply attending to the day to day tasks ahead of me TODAY. Combined with much work with alcoholics, I am at peace today.

I am no longer vacillating between "oh you've got to be kidding me!" (when something would not go my way or happen on my schedule) and "it's about frickin' time!" (when something would go the way I hoped or better than expected).

Wow, I'm glad I read this...this is exactly where I'm at. Thanks for posting.

[Cubile75]

recalcitrant - having an obstinately uncooperative attitude towards authority or discipline.

Yep, that's me...

Mark

[BP44]

Mark, what has to happen if my probelms are of your making?