Being an example

[navysteve]

In my understanding of the 12 steps my job is to now serve as a witness for what the power of God can do. The absolute love I was given by fellow AA members as they walked me through this process was amazing! We often say that we may be the only Big Book someone will ever read. Are we living up to the title? Where do we fall short?

I know for me I still have a long way to go. The man who introduced me to the Big Book was often:
blunt but never cold
Passionate but never over-emotional

Just in those two areas I can find a long list of times I have fallen short. Many times when a newcomer failed to meet my pre-determined level of commitment I have found reasons to cut them loose. I used to use the Big Book to justify ( not qualify) dumping new men because they weren't "willing" enough.

[totfit]

Sounds like you really need to examine "ego". Remember that you aren't that important. The world goes on, people go on with or without us.

[jimhere]

I believe that when I take the Third Step, my life is no longer any of my business. It belongs to God. The prayer asks that I given victory over my difficulties so that I may be an example of God's Power, God's Love, and this way of life. You often hear that coincidences are God wanting to be anonymous. Well, I don't believe that God wants to be anonymous. I believe God needs to be expressed. In fact, if I don't allow that, it will eat me up.

To me, practicing these principles is carrying the message. How I live shouts much louder than what I say.
Jim

[24hrsAday]

talk is cheap.. actions speak louder than words!

[navysteve]

I believe God needs to be expressed. In fact, if I don't allow that, it will eat me up.

A big part of my daily inventory is just this idea Jim. Many of my internal conflicts come from not allowing God to be expressed through me.

[laurie6781]

There was an 'old timer' in my home group, Jim H, who at ever meeting used to say:

"You may be the only example of a Big Book that someone ever sees, so make DAMN sure you are a true and accurate copy."

That has stayed with me all these years. I am still a 'work in progress', however, feel that my actions for many years now have been based on LIVING the 12 steps in my daily life.

I believe that by Living the Principles of the 12 steps on a daily basis to the best of my ability I am doing just that.

THE PRINCIPLES ARE THE STEPS


1. HONESTY
2. HOPE
3. FAITH
4. COURAGE
5. INTEGRITY
6. WILLINGNESS
7. HUMILITY
8. BROTHERLY LOVE
9. JUSTICE
10. PERSEVERANCE
11. SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
12. SERVICE

J M H O


Love and hugs,

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by laurie6781

There was an 'old timer' in my home group, Jim H, who at ever meeting used to say:

"You may be the only example of a Big Book that someone ever sees, so make DAMN sure you are a true and accurate copy."

I heard that from more than one old timer in my group over the years, and I try to apply it to my life.

[barb dwyer]

Steve-

I say this all the time in meetings:

We never know who is watching us.

The greatest 'testament' we have ... is our actions.

People sit back and watch us.
They are looking for something.
Some are looking for flaws -
so they can continue to be afraid of AA and not work their own steps.
Others are looking for justifications from within their own private hells.
(or public hells - their suffering shows far more than they are aware)

Just as OUR actions speak louder than any words
so do they look to us for strength, inspiration, and for hope...
and they mostly do that
without us ever uttering a word.

And in the long run
it's only this tiny percentile of the whole
who are watching
in hopes of saving their own lives.

So for me -
it's never been an issue of saying the right thing
the times anyone has come to me
and thanked me for something I did or said -
it was something I had no idea was going to make any difference anyway.

[Wolfchild]

Thank you for honestly sharing about that stumbling block.

i used to proclaim a bit of truth about recovery and spiritual principles in a self righteous and self serving way myself! Fortunatly, i became aware of that while writing on my Sixth Step. Passion is a great and beautiful asset, especially when it comes from a grateful heart. Thank God i don't have to supress any of my character defects anymore!

The Let Go, Let God attitude works much better for me than trying to revise my self will.
Life is much better living it pure and simple each day that i continue to draw breath!!

[Music]

Originally Posted by navysteve

Just in those two areas I can find a long list of times I have fallen short. Many times when a newcomer failed to meet my pre-determined level of commitment I have found reasons to cut them loose. I used to use the Big Book to justify ( not qualify) dumping new men because they weren't "willing" enough.

The Big Book talks about moving on to others rather than wasteing time with someone who doesn't want to do what's necessary. It's a judgment call, but if I don't make it, who will? My time is my life and I won't waste it with someone who's not willing to do what I did. Then again, sometimes we're put with someone who's not a good match. Time to suggest someone else who might be better suited to carry the message that hits the spot.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by laurie6781

THE PRINCIPLES ARE THE STEPS

1. HONESTY
2. HOPE
3. FAITH
4. COURAGE
5. INTEGRITY
6. WILLINGNESS
7. HUMILITY
8. BROTHERLY LOVE
9. JUSTICE
10. PERSEVERANCE
11. SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
12. SERVICE

THE PRINCIPLES ARE THE STEPS

1. HUMILITY
2. HUMILITY
3. HUMILITY
4. HUMILITY
5. HUMILITY
6. HUMILITY
7. HUMILITY
8. HUMILITY
9. HUMILITY
10. HUMILITY
11. HUMILITY
12. HUMILITY

"...humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.'s Twelve Steps."
(12&12 page 70)

[navysteve]

It's a judgment call, but if I don't make it, who will?

You are right my friend, that is why I put the words justify and qualify in there. There is a difference in me making a judgement call about a new man and judging them. Perhaps I didn't word it right. I am surely not for chasing the unwilling. But I do believe the term willing to go to any lengths gets mis-used ( especially by me!)

[nelco]

ok let me share an example here. Sponsoring a girl who has be in de tox twice in the last 8 weeks, continues to smoke hash and is in a toxic relationship with a guy who supplies her drink. I have took her to meetings and we have discussed step one. I have suggested reading in the big book and she tells me "yeh tomorrow I will" / she continues to ring and text, but also continues to smoke hash and stay in toxic relationship. Each time I just say "well I am suggesting you stop smoking hash, if you want to move on in your recovery". She wants meetings, me, , hash and toxic relationship.....she almost died twice.

[Music]

Originally Posted by navysteve

A big part of my daily inventory is just this idea Jim. Many of my internal conflicts come from not allowing God to be expressed through me.

Maybe these internal conflicts are coming about because God is being expressed through you and you're questioning God's judgment. When I'm dealing with anyone, I try to keep in mind that God is love. Sometimes God's love is tough to swollow because people equate God's love with softness, and things working out the way they like. Sometimes God's love doesn't come the way we like it or expect it.

[navysteve]

That is exactly it Music, when I don't allow ( or fight) God to express his will ( in whatever form) through me I will be in a state of disharmony.

Sponsoring a girl who has be in de tox twice in the last 8 weeks, continues to smoke hash and is in a toxic relationship with a guy who supplies her drink. I have took her to meetings and we have discussed step one. I have suggested reading in the big book and she tells me "yeh tomorrow I will" / she continues to ring and text, but also continues to smoke hash and stay in toxic relationship. Each time I just say "well I am suggesting you stop smoking hash, if you want to move on in your recovery". She wants meetings, me, , hash and toxic relationship.....she almost died twice.

Sounds like someone who isn't ready. Unfortunately, many will die so few will find freedom. I have a guy like that here, he has been around the rooms for almost 30 years and can't get more than a few months together.

[nelco]

I guess I shared that example thats going on for me right now.... cause I was hoping some of you would share your experiences. She just got in touch this morning again......admitts to have smoked hash and it usually leads her back to alcohol, she knows this. I am trying to keep the door open but at the same time not enable.

[nelco]

thanks steve, I think we posted at the same time.

[McGowdog]

Originally Posted by 24hrsAday

talk is cheap.. actions speak louder than words!

Originally Posted by totfit

Sounds like you really need to examine "ego". Remember that you aren't that important. The world goes on, people go on with or without us.

The Following User Says Thank You to totfit For This Useful Post: 24hrsAday (08-09-2009)

Oh yeah? And type is cheap... talk speaks louder than posts!

What's your point?

Humility is great and all... if you have it. Ego is bad and all... but you can't wish it away anymore than alcohol.

When working with or at least talking to a new person, I don't try to be a big book. Instead, I have one handy. When in doubt, I whip it out. I try to talk a bit to them what it was like with me. I listen to them. I ask them pertanent questions about control or the lack thereof. If I get a feel that they might have had something too much to drink, I sort of ask them if they want to do anything about it.

If they want to continue to smoke hash, here's what my phone would sound like; "click".

Humility is great, and the 12 & 12 is what it is. But if I was going to endow any new person with a principle, here's the first one I'd pass on to them;

RESPONSIBILITY

That's not in the 12 principles that I can see, but it seems to jive with Step Before the Steps; If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it- then you are ready to take certain steps.

Under my list of principles, I have two different from what Laura listed

8. Forgiveness
11. Awareness

[laurie6781]

I do believe that some of us, myself included understood the meaning of the title of this thread a little differently.

To me it was about "practicing these principles in ALL our affairs." Not just when working with a newcomer. How do I act out in public? How do I act in my own home? How do I act with the checker at the grocery store? Do I walk the way I talk?

This took me a while to really understand (several years, lol). Today to the best of my ability, and some days are better than others, I PRACTICE thoughtfulness, kindness, and consideration to all who cross my path and treat others the way I would wish to be treated. Oh I am far from perfect, but i am a lot better today than I was in early recovery. Just another thing I will continue to work on.

Have you ever stopped in the grocery store at the end of the day and when you get to the check out you can see that the checker is worn out, been on his/her feet all day and is just waiting for quitting time? Try giving that checker a sincere and honest smile and a thank you when you get your change. Watch the change come over that person. You too are probably tired at the end of the day, but I can honestly say you will walk out of that store feeling much 'lighter.'

Or, when stopped at a light, and someone is waiting to get into the traffic line from a strip mall or business, let them in. Not only does "what goes around come around" and somewhere down the line someone will let you in, but the feeling you get cannot be described. Holding the door open for someone going out after you or coming in after you. With 'practice' these become 'natural.' There are many more things I have had to practice to make them a part of me.

I do believe this is all part of "being an example. "Practicing these principles in all our affairs."

That is what the title of this thread means to me.

Under my list of principles, I have two different from what Laura listed

8. Forgiveness
11. Awareness

Yep, McGowDog I can agree that those could be used, maybe this way:

8. Brotherly Love/Forgiveness
11. Spiritual Awakening/Awareness

To trigger what needs to be triggered in these complex minds of ours.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[FightingIrish]

I was driving one of my sponsees to an outgoing the other night - and I was a bit concerned about getting there on time. (If I get somewhere ten minutes early, that equals "just in time" to me.)

I pulled up towards a stop sign and there was a car stopped in front of me that did not avail itself of a "turning opportunity" that I would have taken myself, so I hit my hand to the horn for a quick honk. My sponsee almost lost it because of a) my behavior and b) because we were in a sketchy neighborhood.

I was so embarrassed, but if I had been alone I wonder if I'd have even thought twice about being so impatient.

[Boleo]

I have heard it said many times -

"When I sponsor I find I am somehow wiser".

[Music]

My first sponsor told me once, when I was upset about a pigeon going back out that "you're not God, and you don't have the right to stand in the way of someone hitting their bottom." God gave me experience strength and hope to share. That's all I can do. Sometimes I just have to move out of the way and let the person go. I don't believe anyone dies in vain. When an alcoholic dies, all I can think is "there but for the grace of God go I."

[McGowdog]

Originally Posted by Music

When an alcoholic dies, all I can think is "there but for the grace of God go I."

But it doesn't make a very good eulogy, right? I thought God was as much in the death business as He was in the life business. But that's just me.



I went to a noon meeting and the chair person said something good. I'm gonna go ahead and steal it and use it here because it's true for me too.

"Jail was like a spiritual retreat for us alkies." That's true for me because some of my loved ones got a break from me and I sort of got a break from them. A chance to chill out and see how I really stand in the world.

In my group, the 12 steps are kind of a spiral. There's no arrival point. I heard a guy with some time say the spiritual path gets harder and harder, not easier and easier. But he says if you continue on it, life gets easier and more satisfying... but there's no arrival point. He says we tend to want assurance and instead, we get thrust into the unknown.

Music, I agree that we cannot carry the drunk or do anything for them. We can merely show. If we do more than steer them to God, we've done too much. But we've got a guy in our group who has been upset with one of our newcomers (not really ours, but he has come to our meeting, worked with G and come to lunch with us...) Well his life straightened up so fast that he thought he didn't need to finish his 4th Step. He's drinking now. But the night before he went and drank, our guy G called him and said, "We need to talk before you go out and drink."

It may have already been too late at that point, but I got the same exact speech in about 2003. Same result for me . So the guy drank, he's in his mid 20s and his stomach bleeds. It's sad, but he still calls G. Now that's crazy. What does G tell him? "Better you than me." Harsh. See I don't think I can say that, because I was once a chronic slipper myself. That to me would be bad Karma. But... I ask G why he gives the "Let's talk before you go drink" speech... because it didn't stop me from drinking. G says "I do that for me, not you or him. I need to know I did my part and at least tried, even if it don't work."

Hmmm...

[FightingIrish]

So what do you say to the guy who's about to drink?

[navysteve]

So what do you say to the guy who's about to drink?

Depends on the guy:

The easy and often approved of hard-assed answer is to tell them to go ahead. That often times is exactly the right thing to say.

But there is no one size fits all answer. I had a guy come to me and say "if this is all there is then I might as well drink!"

That opened the door for me to ask what step he was on...

I had a guy tell me he thought he wasn't done and that he really wanted to drink.

I told him if I could help him in any way to get and stay sober I would. I asked him not to throw my number out. He called a few times and let me take him to a meeting, but he eventually stopped.

I had a friend who told me one day she didn't think she was an alcoholic. She had gotten into some trouble in her twenties and came to AA and was 5 years sober and felt like it wasn't for her but felt like she was betraying the people who helped her out in the beginning.

I told her to go drink if she didn't believe she was an alcoholic ( I was ostracized for that statement).

She has finished college since leaving AA, owns her own home, goes to work at a job she loves and enjoys time with all the friends she lost contact with because people in the fellowship said they were toxic to her recovery.

Not everyone who questions whether or not they belong in AA belong in AA. I know it is a cute thing to say in meetings and will get a head nod of approval from the upper echelon but it is not healthy.