Those strange mental blank spots

[stone]

I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a
glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered
another sandwich and decided to have another glass of
milk.
“Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were
to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn’t hurt
me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured
it into the milk. I vaguely sensed I was not being any
too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey
on a full stomach. The experiment went so well
that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more
milk. That didn’t seem to bother me so I tried another.”

“I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner. As
I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought
came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of
cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. I
ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another
cocktail. After dinner I decided to take a walk. When I
returned to the hotel it struck me a highball would be fine
before going to bed, so I stepped into the bar and had one.
I remember having several more that night and plenty
next morning. I have a shadowy recollection of being in
an airplane bound for New York and of finding a friendly
taxicab driver at the landing field instead of my wife. The
driver escorted me about for several days. I know little
of where I went or what I said and did. Then came the
hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering

These two excerpts from the BB are the two things I identify with most strongly lately...this....

I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in
those strange mental blank spots.

...is me.

At one time, I would drink (when I didn't want to) because the obsession got so bad I couldn't stand it or because I couldn't cope with things....I would end up saying "f*ck it" and drink.

Now I am lucky that the obsession is a lot less than it used to be and I cope better but for the last 6 months I have had the phenomenon of the "mental blank spot". I can go about a month feeling fine, not wanting to drink most of the time, aware that as an alcoholic I cannot drink, and able to deal with the occasional fleeting obsession to drink. Then the day will come when the "mental blank spot" comes and I am convinced that I can drink one night only and go about my business....given my past record, this is insane.

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective
mental defense against the first drink. Except in a
few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can
provide such a defense. His defense must come from a
Higher Power.

I am a month sober again now and have spent the last month going through the steps again with my new sponsor...the first 3 steps so far, it has been very productive and feel more hooked into my HP than I have for a long time.

I don't want to drink but I am a bit scared with it being my cycle-time.

Thanks for listening.


(quotes from 1st edition of Alcoholics Anonymous)

[least]

Have you told your doctor about these "blank spots"? I would, if you haven't already. Might be a problem with your meds.

[stone]

Originally Posted by least

Have you told your doctor about these "blank spots"? I would, if you haven't already. Might be a problem with your meds.

Nah, it is just alcoholism.

I don't have blank spots about anything else.

[ananda]

yeah i get it stoney...i suppose i can willfully go out and drink..fact is i tend to think i did this last time...but there is still some sort of mental blank spot going on....

As for cycles and stuff...well ever time is a little bit different....regardless of the past you are different today, I am differnt today...I don't know the convergence that causes me to stop drinking or to start....but it is never a static or predestined thing.

good to be aware and to talk about and pay attention to this...but then let it go and move forward cause the overwehlming fear of relapse can put us in a vunerable place. fear can create that strange mental blank spot...

(hug)

[scaredykat]

Good to see you posting and reaching out Stone.

[stone]

Thanks Barb.

And Nands, the fear of drinking isn't overwhelming but it is there. And yea, I don't want to get obsessed ion the cycle thing....it isn't inevitable.

Thing is I am pretty sure my head goes a bit weird for a few days before the mental blank spot, I am not usually aware of it but I think this time I am. This is a good thing.

This mental blank spot, powerlessness can be a cop out for those that really want to drink...I do not want to drink....I am just aware that when the blank spot comes I totally believe that I can drink like a normal person, that "an ounce of whiskey in my milk... couldn’t hurt me on a full stomach", type of thing...and that does scare me.

Over the last 6 months I have tried throwing myself into more meetings...didn't work, left AA altogether....didn't work, been practising mindfulness....didn't work.
Self-knowledge and willpower certainly don't work.

I just hope that re-working steps 1-3 and practising the Program works.

[stone]

Do I think I will drink today though? No. Can I cope with feeling weird? Yes.

That is good enough for today.

I need to not think about possibilities that may never happen, I have done (for the last 30 days) and am doing my best, that is all I can do.

[least]

what scares the hell out of me is that i'm doing my best, but my best isn't good enough

[McGowdog]

Those strange "mental blankspots" are real and I've experienced them myself.

You know what I do when I have them? I usually drink booze, and before I know it, I do it seemingly willingly and take back to it like I was riding a bicycle. Then within the night, I achieve "pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization."

This is why we do steps. When I do all those steps, God removes the obsession from me 100% and restores my mind to a new one. This new mind may experience a very rare obsession or brief mental blankspot, but in my experience, it hasn't happened in over 5 and a half years and I aim to just stay away from the edge of that cliff and back to practicing these principles.

This is a great topic with regards to the mental obsession component of being a "real" alcoholic. Hard drinkers may experience this phenomena too, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm doing my "absolute" best at every waking moment, but doing the 12 Steps with at least "one-half the zeal" that I did to get another drink is sufficient. And once you get something from this A.A. program and "taste the honey", you start to pick up steam and it has a life of its own. You'll soon be asking the question, "Why wouldn't you want to do these steps?"

[shaun00]

that renewing of the mind mcgowdog talks about........man i love that stuff.

it is very apparent to me when i look back how sick and insane i was...how only that renewing of the mind was the solution.

i only see this with reflection....i just didnt see it at the time....

it still shocks me to think of the power of those mental black spots.
i went pretty low.....quite often....but yet within a week of white knuckling it ......it became...maybe not that low...the fog thickens blurring the truth.

After a period of time working through the steps with my sponsor my thinking started to change....i couldnt explain it and i hadnt completed the steps.

but i would tell my sponsor that "i dont believe the lie anymore"..

it became apparent...i could see it....the blackspot..the insanity.

for me it was the jay walker ...that simple comparison....

[jimhere]

The blank spots are not just a phenomenon that occur in active alcoholism or in early sobriety. They have nothing to do with circumstance, "triggers," emotional state, length of sobriety, a fit spiritual condition or a lack of.

Fred's story that Stone quoted illustrates that. My own experience, both as an active alcoholic and as a recovered alcoholic illustrate that. About three and a half years ago, this point was driven home to me. I wasn't quite fifteen years sober at the time and it was in December, just before Christmas. A co-worker and I were going to get our boss a bottle of scotch as a gift, so we stopped at a liquor store. Now I don't fear liquor stores and I'm a free man, I can go anywhere I want. I just don't go in liquor stores often as I usually have no reason to.

As we walked through the front door, a large display for peppermint schnapps caught my eye. I didn't like that stuff when I was drinking, but one time somebody told me that peppermint schnapps goes good with hot cocoa on a cold winter's day. And that it was crossed my mind. "That would taste good with hot cocoa." Which is the truth, peppermint schnapps with hot cocoa would taste good on a cold winter's day. That isn't even an alcoholic thought, I bet twenty other people walked in, saw that, and thought the same thing. That is why they put the display there.

So we got our bottle of scotch and got in our truck and went on our way. A ways down the road it occurred to me that all the reasons why I shouldn't have that never even crossed my mind. No "I'll blow fifteen years and have to go back to AA and tell everyone I drank," no thoughts of where it would take me, the old "Think the drink through" thing, nothing like that. In my mind it wasn't even alcohol. Like I said I was fidfteen years sober at the time, active in AA, part of a strong home group, working with others, I had spent twenty minutes in meditation that morning, my life was good. No reason for that thought to cross my mind. Like Fred, I felt fine.

The book says at certain times I'll have no mental defense. Well, I don't know when that time will be. One of those times could be now. If I'm in an AA meeting I'll be fine, but what about most of the time when I'm not? There have probably been other instances, but that time I was awake to it and was graced to see the truth.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[stone]

Originally Posted by least

what scares the hell out of me is that i'm doing my best, but my best isn't good enough

I know you are trying your best, Least but you aren't doing it within the framework of AA are you?

The conclusion reached about mental blank spots in the book, Alcohlics Anonymous is that "self-knowledge and willpower" are not sufficient defence against them.
I have spent A LONG TIME trying to do this with self-knowledge and willpower and it hasn't worked, I have been in and out of AA for 2 years, did the steps straight away, stayed sober for 6 months and started drinking again....I stopped practising the steps, was cynical about AA etc.

After my last drink I got myself a new sponsor and started again at step 1 and this time I knew, deep down, self-knowledge and willpower where not enough. I was beaten, I was powerless over those mental blank spots and therefore "powerless over alcohol", this is something I hadn't fully admitted the first time. Although I did do the steps to the best of my ability at the time...and got an easy 6 months sober due to that. I stopped doing them because my step 1 was not fully accepted in my mind. I see now just how crucial step 1 is.

Originally Posted by least

what scares the hell out of me is that i'm doing my best, but my best isn't good enough

Me too, that is why I threw myself back into AA a month ago after my last drink.

Now, "I am doing my best" to do the Program of AA.

[stone]

Originally Posted by McGowdog

And once you get something from this A.A. program and "taste the honey", you start to pick up steam and it has a life of its own.

I think that is already happening in a small way but it is early days for me. I am also using the Fellowship like never before, I feel "part of" for the first time ever in AA.

I need to be careful not build these blank spots into a bogey-man right now, if I get thought similar to, "I can get away with a drink just for tonight", I am going to phone someone, my sponsor is first on the list.

I imagine if it happens I will be thinking, "why bother to phone him, you can just get away with a drink tonight, this AA stuff is a load of crap...", but I am trying to hammer it into my head to phone anyway.

Right now, I am sober but who knows if I have the beginnings of a mental defence from a Higher Power at this stage? I don't.

[24hrsAday]

i know the feeling.. all too well.. i think anyone who really believes that their alcoholism is cured that they have "recovered" and are above such things are very wrong.. my sobriety is on a day by day basis!

[IO Storm]

This may be a little out of the ordinary...and maybe later I'll say something else.

Right now, I's just like to congratulate (everyone) here on their sobriety.

I am proud of all of us! :ghug2:

Especially, today..for my dear friend Stoney.

Keep working it...and keep letting it work for you.

Sher

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by 24hrsAday

i know the feeling.. all too well.. i think anyone who really believes that their alcoholism is cured that they have "recovered" and are above such things are very wrong.. my sobriety is on a day by day basis!

If you are in AA, you have been given the wrong message.WE can and do recover, we also stop drinking for good and all, not one day at a time, that's how we live life. I am not debating this, these are the facts. Read the book, the one the fellowship took its name from, better yet, read it with someone who has recovered and follow their instructions.

If you are not in AA, please disregard everything I just wrote, I wish you well with whatever is keeping you sober.

By the way, recovered does not mean cured, I will alway have the body of an alcoholic, today I am not suffering any of the symptoms of alcoholism in mind, body or spirit, This is a wonderful gift.

[gravity]

Stone, I really believe that steps 1, 2, & 3 removed my obsession to drink and that my continued sobriety is all but guaranteed by continuing to work the steps and by practicing spiritual principles in my life. I'm not saying that I don't get self-centred - it happens quite often. But I am trying hard - not resting on my laurels.

One day at a time - growing spiritually, getting stronger.

And for me, there is no cycle - it would take one hell of a lot of self-sobotage to get back to that mental & spiritual state I was in 19 months ago.

It didn't come easy but today I know what it means to meditate, to pray, to turn it over to my Higher Power. It is amazingly simple stuff! I didn't have this when I first joined AA but what I did have was the sincerity & the willingness to do my best. It was enough.

My own thoughts on mental blank spots - they were a part of my active alcoholism. Since I turned my alcoholism over to my Higher Power - no more mental blank spots. 19 months sober, perhaps 50 major "trigger" situations, not one drink. Safe & protected. Sanity restored.



I think this is just perfect:

spent the last month going through the steps again with my new sponsor...the first 3 steps so far, it has been very productive and feel more hooked into my HP than I have for a long time.

[24hrsAday]

Originally Posted by Rob B

If you are in AA, you have been given the wrong message.WE can and do recover, we also stop drinking for good and all, not one day at a time, that's how we live life. I am not debating this, these are the facts. Read the book, the one the fellowship took its name from, better yet, read it with someone who has recovered and follow their instructions.

If you are not in AA, please disregard everything I just wrote, I wish you well with whatever is keeping you sober.

By the way, recovered does not mean cured, I will alway have the body of an alcoholic, today I am not suffering any of the symptoms of alcoholism in mind, body or spirit, This is a wonderful gift.

everyone has an opinion.. you come across as a "know it all" big book thumper type.. i guess you think i'm not in A.A. for some reason.. that maybe i don't understand the book? wow..

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by 24hrsAday

everyone has an opinion.. you come across as a "know it all" big book thumper type.. i guess you think i'm not in A.A. for some reason.. that maybe i don't understand the book? wow..

I don't think Rob needs defending, so I won't.

But sorry man, it's not about opinion, it's about experience. So what's your experience? If you are in AA, have you taken the steps? That means an inventory, a Fifth Step, making every amend that you can that you are consciously aware of? If so, have are experiencing the promises in the Tenth Step? You know, being in a position pf neutrality, safe and protected, neither cocky nor afraid, not avoiding alcohol? If haven't the experience, then it's just your opinion of an experience you never had.
Peace,
Jim

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by 24hrsAday

everyone has an opinion.. yep,

you come across as a "know it all" big book thumper type.. yep

i guess you think i'm not in A.A. not the program of AA

for some reason.. that maybe i don't understand the book? you don't
wow..

.

[24hrsAday]

i am working on the steps.. where i am currently is nobody's business.. i believe the process lasts a lifetime.. i am 2 and a half years sober.. today..

[stone]

Originally Posted by gravity

It didn't come easy but today I know what it means to meditate, to pray, to turn it over to my Higher Power. It is amazingly simple stuff! I didn't have this when I first joined AA but what I did have was the sincerity & the willingness to do my best. It was enough.

Thanks for that, Grav.



This time around I have had a gut-level, step 1,2 and 3 experience.

I have gone from hopeless to having some hope....

"The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles."

[24hrsAday]

stone: i have learned very slowly.. ODAAT and i know i'll never have all the answers.. i had to hit bottom real hard before i became honestly willing to go to any length to stay sober..

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by 24hrsAday

i am working on the steps.. where i am currently is nobody's business.. i believe the process lasts a lifetime.. i am 2 and a half years sober.. today..

Getting recovered doesn't take a lifetime. Staying recovered is a lifetime process though.

It's OK to admit that you don't understand something by the way. Many won't do that though. They hide their ignorance behind defensiveness and bluster. I think where I am at in my recovery is everyone's business, because I can't hide it anyway. What you say gives you away and the truth will always be made known.

I'm not getting on your case. It might seem that way, but I'm not. We have to know what we are talking about here in order to be useful and it has to be evident to those that we are trying to help that we do know what we are talking about. Vague, simplistic answers aren't helpful to the new man. As the book even says that it must be obvious that we know what we are talking about and that our very lives shout at the new prospect that we have a real answer. Nothing vague about that.

If my experience is vague, my life will be vague and I'll be just like a lot of people in AA that have nothing to offer to the new man except cliches and slogans and pat answers like "keep coming back" and "Go to meetings and don't drink in between even if your ass falls off."

So, if you feel the need to attack or defend, I won't reply again. If what I say here is the truth and it gets under your skin, put my name in column one, why I annoy you in column two, what parts of your self that are offended in column three, and so forth.

Have a good day unless you have other plans.
Jim

[ian_g]

Originally Posted by 24hrsAday

i am working on the steps.. where i am currently is nobody's business.. i believe the process lasts a lifetime.. i am 2 and a half years sober.. today..

Everyone has there opinion but AA is very much filled with individuals who give their opinion on an experience they never had. Don't knock the experience unless you've been in a position where you are able to experience it. What Rob and Jim both say is true. I was very very much under the impression before I had the experience that people, places and things would run my life and that I would never recover but after having that experience I know that what those before me stated is true.

Keep on doing the work necessary and I'm sure you'll too experience what many have as a result of doing the work. As the BB says, this is open to all men.