Making amends

[Firehazard]

This is not a fun step but a necessary one for me. I have been neglecting a friend for the last year and it was a friend I had made a honor bound oath to watch over. You see Will was in a mens shelter with me when I was first feeling the pangs of unmanagability rear its head in my life. We befriended each other but his gait was begining to get imbalanced. Then he started using a cane after he face planted several times and broke his only pair of glasses. Over the next two years I watched him go from a bright intelligent man to a invalid lying in a HUD apartment unable to move. He had to wait there for a year before the city got him a scooter. Instead of seeing all the emotional turmoil he was going thru I used his place as a nice drinking spot and never really did anything for him.
That all changed as I have been to his home the last two days. The first day I just said Hi and left. Today we saw the new Star Trek and I cleaned his filthy apartment a bit and organized his DVD collection in a wall rack instead of lying all over his apartment. I was right, I realized after spending time with him that we don't really get along that well. I did use him. So I will until I see a consitent change in his quality of life go over there at least twice a week and help him with his environment. I'm not sure how long I will do this before I can mark it off. Maybe I'll just do it until I feel pain. Got any suggestions?

[gravity]

Do you have a sponsor who you can talk this over with?

While I have not made many amends, I did go through my list with my sponsor to determine the best way to approach each person.

In general, I am to approach the person, explain why I'm doing what I'm doing, sincerely apologize, and ask if there is any way I can make it up to him/her. It is critical to listen to what the other person has to say.

Have you asked your friend what you can do? From your post, spending time with someone you don't get along with does not seem like an appropriate amend.

Hopefully, others with more experience with amends will reply to your post.

Take care.

[Music]

Cleaning his apartment is a nice gesture and is appropriate when the motive is to help someone in need, but it will never take the place of sitting him down and coming clean about using him for you own selfish means. IMO that's what needs to be done here. If you have a sponsor it might be good to take him along with you when you make your amend. Sitting with him will some humility, which isn't always the most comfortable situation to be in, however my understanding of humility is to acknowledge the truth. You know what the truth is and now it's time for him to find out what the truth is.

[Firehazard]

Thanks, I didn't let him know what I was doing or how I feel. I will do that as soon as I see him. Thanks for the guidance.

[FightingIrish]

I wonder if there is not some potential harm here in sitting him down and telling him that you used him?

[Music]

Originally Posted by FightingIrish

I wonder if there is not some potential harm here in sitting him down and telling him that you used him?

The potential harm here is in not making the amend. We don't have any guarantees how people are going to accept the amend, but it must be made "except when to do so would injure them or others." I don't see how any injury could be done here except that not making the amend would mean that Firehazard would have to live with the knowledge that he used someone and didn't do the right thing by making the amend, which could over time, lead to that next drink. Again, a sponsor or trusted friend would be an asset when making the amend.

[FightingIrish]

Perhaps it was the way I read it and imagined the amend to unfold based on how the OP described the situation: "I realize I don't really like you so I was using you all that time."

Perhaps there's another way.

[miss communicat]

3 questions to ask yourself before telling him that you were using him and that you were not a sincere friend in the past are:

1. Is it Kind?
2. Is it True?
3. Is it nescessary?

Number 3 is worth exploring: While telling this fellow that you were a phony friend may be nescessary for YOU to have a clear conscience, it may not be nesessary for this man's heart to learn that he was unacceptable in your (drunk) eyes, and unworthy of true friendship.

I do believe it is harmful to him to dump this onto him. Which, in turn, will become harmful to your sobriety and could lead you to a drink. So, no. I would definitely not disclose the extent to which you were shallow and superficial. This can be amended internally within your heart, and externally in actions moving forward.

Show that you care today.
Show that he is a worthy and lovable human being, and show him respect and courtesy in your deeds. These acts need not be "show-y" though. They should be quiet and unassuming. You show respect by not causing him discomfort and hurt. You show courtesy by listening to him tell you how he is doing or what his needs are.

[McGowdog]

I wouldn't attempt any amend until I ran it through the steps. That means writing about it in the 4th step and 5th stepping it with somebody. If you can 10th Step it, fine. But if you are clear on the harm you've done to him, you might write those harms down on a 3 x 5 card. If it's one thing, fine, but if it's a list of things, get it all down.

The important thing is to be clear on the harm. If your intent is to set right the harm and let God take you to better things, then I'd say do it.

I do it like this;

When I make an amend to someone, I set it up that way, and be sincere and show contrition and I tell them this, "This is how I've harmed you. I did this, this, this, and that." Then you might step back and let them talk or maybe even give them the opportunity to share their feelings on it or even "add to the list."

Either way, you're there to clean off your side of the street.

Then, the important one, "What can I do to set these matters straight?"

Then listen.

I would arrange to be brief, be brilliant, and be gone. When it's wrapped up, don't stick around. Have a plan to exit stage left and let them sit with it if need be.

If they forgive you, wonderful. Icing on the cake. At no time do I usually just say, "I'm sorry." I'd rather hand them a $50.00 bill than say, "I'm sorry."

Those are some basics that have worked well for me.

The worst things you could do is to not be clear on the harm and to bring up their business.

Hope it goes well.

[Music]

9. Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Read the qualifications for doing this step in the Big Book without adding your own dos and don'ts, what ifs or whatevers. Then make your own decision. You know this guy better than we do. The point to remember is that if I don't make an amend where I should, I'm liable to drink later. This step is about doing what I have to do to stay sober. Making any amend stands the chance of upsetting someone but that doesn't mean we skip it.

[McGowdog]

I think a good example of "except when to do so would injure them or others" would be like if I went up to you and said, "So, how's the wife and my kids?"

To go up to the guy and say, "I've been using you and pretending to be your friend so I could use you." Might cause yet more harm. But to go to them and say, "I've been selfish and inconsiderate to you." in a sort of a general way, then to step back and ask, "How can I set this right?" might be enough.

If you want to be the guy's friend, then be his friend. If you don't, then clean off your side of the street and leave him alone.

That's how I would see the amend by just glancing at it. More may be revealed when/if the OP runs it through the steps. IDK.

[Music]

Thanks Dog. You brought up a point I'd overlooked and you're 100 percent dead on target. I don't have to go into detail as to what I did and when. All that's necessary is to make the oint as you did i.e., "I've been selfish and inconsiderate" toward you and I'll do my best to avoid treating you in that manner in the future. Even if the other person asks for an example, all that needs to be said is that it's not important to go into detail and leave it there. Thanks again for that insight Mc. I was told that very thing when I made amends for the first time and it escaped me.

[Firehazard]

Wow, Thanks for the support. I finally called me sponsor about it and being the yoda head he is He just asked me if I was doing it to make myself feel better or for him. It really got me thinking and I think its both. Thanks for the support. Now on to calling my cousin this weekend that I haven't communicated with in over ten years. I just keep reading the promises and know it's the right thing to do.

[Firehazard]

Yeah, Thanks Mac
I am just working on my side of the street. I have this Martyr complex and sometimes need outside opinions thanks SOBER people.