Struggling to cope with the consquences of my actions.

[odaat]

I feel unable to talk to anyone in real life, and really just need to get my thoughts out of my head on onto paper.

I'm unable to talk to the Mental Health team, I don't want to risk drawing attention to the situation in case they refer me to social services.

I'm not able to talk to my family or friends, including those in recovery, because it feels like another betrayal to OH.

I'm an alcoholic, 'dry' for 2.5 years. Far from sober though, I managed to put the drink down, and proceeded to cycle through other addictions - food, sex, self-harm, prescription medication. While I abuse anything, AA always felt like my home and is where I found the tiny bit of recovery I have.

I had a bad lapse in 2008. I have a bit of an odd relationship with my husband, and we agreed to an open relationship. I took it further than we agreed though, and ended up having a 6 month affair. After a couple of overdoses, some serious self-harming incidents and a lot of hurt and pain, I accepted what my AA friends had said, and realised that the affair was wrong, unjustifiable and was another manifestation of my alcoholism. I ended the affair and began to work on my marriage.

A couple of weeks after I ended the affair, I found I was pregnant. I was already 12 weeks gone, and it could have been either my husbands, or the guy I had an affair with.

After discussing all the options, my husband and I decided to raise the baby as ours, and not ever get confirmation of paternity. All was fine with us while I was pregnant.

Two days after having the baby, my husband decided that the baby didn't look like him and was unlikely to be his. Since then, he has been completely distant. He resents the baby and doesn't want to do anything. He has taken a lot of time of work, spent whole days in bed and is very, very unhappy.

I've been diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. I'm struggling with being essentially a single mum in a house with a man who loves her but hates her baby.

He will occasionally hold the baby if I really ask him to, but often a couple of days goes by where he doesn't acknowledge the baby exists. Its been four weeks, and no improvement.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this situation right. There doesn't seem to be any way to make everyone happy.

I don't want my baby to grow up feeling unloved and ignored. I don't want to leave my husband but I don't know if I can love him after this.

The end of my pregnancy was quite complicated, I was hospitalised a few times, and didn't get to meetings, and wasn't in contact with my sponsor. I've not spoken to her since I had the baby, she works fulltime and the baby is hard work in the evenings.

I don't know how to get to a meeting. I don't have any family or friends near by. Husband won't watch the baby. The only meeting in walking distance is in the evening, and I don't want to walk the couple of miles home at 10pm. I don't have a carseat, and husband is being difficult with paying for one.

[Rowan]

I remember when you last posted and told us about the pregnancy. I had wondered what happened, and I'm glad to see you back posting again.

If you can't get out to a meeting - please PLEASE call your sponsor and have her bring one to you. You need face to face support. I had serious postpartum depression after both of my girls were born, and I wasn't drinking, but wasn't yet in recovery. It was a very dark and lonely time.

I understand self-harm, acting out sexually, with food etc. You aren't alone, I promise you. If I can be of any help, please PM me. Anything you share will be kept in confidence.

[shaun00]

Thankyou for sharing that with us......

And rowans post said it all.......

get support.....and keep coming here........dont struggle with this on your own.

god be with you and guide you.....

[TryingisDying]

Thank you for sharing.....Can you call someone to come get you and take you to a meeting....I would just take the baby with me...You need support and love.

[laurie6781]

I would strongly suggest you go ahead and get the DNA test. This will clear the air once and for all either way.

You see, genes are funny. Neither my sister or I look anything like our Mom and Dad. But we are theirs no doubt about it <vbg>.

Turns out, she looks very much like our Great Great Great Grandfather on our dad's side and I look like my Great Great Great Great grandmother on my mom's side (her father's side). We are "Throwbacks" so to speak.

So, just because your baby does not look like your H does not mean it is not his.

As to your postpartum depression, have you spoken with your doctor about this? You really should. There are things and medications (yes, even if you are nursing) that can help to ease the symptoms.

I also agree, talk with your sponsor. She can probably get a meeting to you, or find someone to give you a lift to and from the meeting.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Rowan

If you can't get out to a meeting - please PLEASE call your sponsor and have her bring one to you. You need face to face support.

Yes, please call your sponsor! I completely understand about switching addictions because sex was my addiction after I got sober.

I was separated from my husband, but not legally divorced when I got pregnant with my youngest daughter from a guy I had met in AA.

My parents turned their back on me, and my support system was completely through AA. I don't know what I would have done without them.

I took my daughter to meetings with me many times. She pretty much grew up in AA.

Keep posting and know that we care! :ghug :ghug

[miss communicat]

I agree with Laurie.

at 2 days of age, the baby likely does not look even like himself yet, let alone a parent.

the baby is a blessing. Although it is overwhelming for you to cope with all of the intense discomfort and pain right now, and you do need support, love and understanding, he is bringing lots of buried issues to the fore in your personal relationships.

that is why getting the facts, aka the truth, about paternity out immediately is essential to your healing. no matter what the truth is about his paternity, everyone has a right to this information. the noble econcept of adopting him and raising him as if he were his own is just that: noble in theory.

The truth will set you ALL free.


good luck. i wish peace in your life.

[Puddy]

Just curious if you've analyzed how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, i.e. if the baby was his with another woman he had an affair with and he brought the baby home to live with you, for you to help raise.

To say you're not sure you can love him anymore - maybe you're expecting him to be a saint? Not sure I'd be willing to do as much as he's done already. Doesn't make me a loser, nor are you, nor your husband either. Just a tough situation.