is this a normal way to feel?

[Em002]

I just wanted to check to see if the way I feel is normal. I am feeling better at 4 months sober in aa but at times like right now I just feel like saying f- this I just want to drink. I feel like I am wasting my life in these meetings. I do not really want to give up because I know how miserable I was before and that things won't be any better because I did relapse before and tried. When I relapsed before I got in a huge disaster in the few hours and called friends for help. I'm just wondering if the way I am feeling means I am not done yet as people say in meetings, or if this is a normal way to feel in being in early sobriety? I just don't want to waste everyones time that helps me all the time if I am just going to give up. Thanks for any advice hug .

[CarolD]

Welcome back to SR...

I started to feel solid in my recovery
when I began doing the Steps of AA.

Have you considered Step work?

[ananda]

Em.....i think what you are feeling is very normal for many in early recovery. For some of us it takes quite a bit of sober time, even with step work for our lives to change...meaning the life we live in our own head.

Your on the right path em and no you do not need to go drink more to be done...thankfully none of us ever really has to do that.

(hug)

[Astro]

Ditto. Steps, service, daily meetings. Those things keep me focused, centered, balanced, and happy in my recovery. If they don't, then something's going on inside me that I need to identify and work on.

You're not wasting anyone's time, the Fellowship of AA is there to help as long as you continue to reach out for support.

[McGowdog]

Ditto what Carol says.

Thank you for sharing something that heavy with us. I think you're right in line with how it goes for some of us in recovery sooner or later.

I, unlike you, felt just totally fine just being sober in AA and striving along... then all of a sudden, I'm drunk.

You obviously have gone beyond the physical craving part of recovery as you don't have any booze in your body. Now what about the mind and the Spirit? Is there more to sobriety? We think so. Some of us that have to really really work steps and really really have to seek HP and help others do so because... if we don't, we don't recover and the only hope for us is to drink again.

Some of us say, "Once I stopped drinking, that's when the problem began."

You might want to really really consider the meetings you're going to and the person who's sponsoring you. I've heard, and experienced for myself, that it's my personal responsibility to decide for myself if I'm going to get into AA and do each and everyone of those 12 steps as they're laid out in the book. When I do that, my life is on fire, especially when I'm plugged in, AA and recovery and seeking God is numero uno, and all other things are added to my life.

Is it a sufficient substitute to booze? Absofreakinglutely!

[keithj]

Em002,

I don't know if there is anything "normal" about early sobriety. Here's a question, though. Are you in AA or are you taking AA's suggested program of recovery? What step are you on?

If you have a drinking problem, quitting drinking will make you feel better. I felt physically better, showed up to work on time, could remember where I was and what I did, stopped breaking out in handcuffs, etc. Quitting drinking has a lot of merits.

But most alcoholics, myself included, experience the bedevilments described on page 52 of the Big Book if we don't have a spiritual solution. The days just keep getting a little bleaker until we drink again. That's how it worked for me with short bouts of sobriety prior to recovery.

But, if you are in the solution, maybe you are where you need to be.That's sort of the beginning of faith. I'll just keep doing these silly things that don't seem to have much to do with not drinking, and something will happen. Emotions run the gamut and experiences differ. A complete psychic realignment is pretty confusing. I got into the steps right away (day one) and found relief very quickly. A spiritual awakening was not long after. I think I was lucky or blessed or something. I've heard from countless others that they spent a year or two or more lost in that wasteland of not drinking and not recovering. It's only when they got into the book and the steps that a miracle happened. You should hear them now! What a joy it is to hear someone share that has been in that limbo and has recovered. Those folks are always on fire.

[Em002]

thanks for the responses so far. I am working the steps (on step 6) and have a sponsor who I try to call everyday. Yes spiritual awakenings are confusing I definetely have not had one yet, but I do pray and do believe in god- do I believe that he will fix this , I'm not so sure. I do have kind of a really ironic story though when I was just getting sober while driving home from seeing family and heading to an aa meeting I was not in an area and I knew and I wanted to go to a liquor store. I typed in liquor store into my gps and clicked on the first result that came up. The gps took me to a neighborhood- no liquor store in sight. So still not getting the hint I type liquor store in again and click on the second result. The same exact thing happens I get taken to a neighborhood again no liquor store anywhere. This never happen with my gps ever. So finally I click on the third result and as I am driving there I pass by a church that has on their lawn a sign in big red letters that says "God is speaking still". I am shocked and don't go to the liquor store and continue to the meeting.

[Freedom1990]

I have felt that way more than once in sobriety, though it's been a few years.

I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I was told to do, and it passed eventually.

[CarolD]

Wow! Em.....what an awesome "God Shot" you received!
You gave me goosebumps.

Thanks for sharing.....

[Mark75]

Yea... I am having one of those f-it days... My home group meets tonight, I am gonna work on my steps and I'm here on SR... this too will pass.

Loved your GPS story... I love God-shots (like the term to!! _ Carol)

Mark

[FightingIrish]

My spiritual experiences were of the incremental variety. Waking up with a sense of peace and optimism. Suddenly realizing that a certain fear I've had is gone. Showing up for things. A general awareness of and appreciation for Things Just As They Are. Being able to get through difficult situations that had previously overwhelmed me. An overall sense that, no matter the direction life goes, things will be OK.

[Normas]

Originally Posted by Em002

I am feeling better at 4 months sober in aa but at times like right now I just feel like saying f- this I just want to drink. I feel like I am wasting my life in these meetings. I do not really want to give up because I know how miserable I was before and that things won't be any better because I did relapse before and tried.

The desire to drink does go away eventually, but at four months, it is completely normal to want to drink sometimes.

You need to start putting positive input and activities into your life, rather than just focus on what you can't do anymore. Some people suggested more AA service work, but I would suggest more outside interests and some exercise. Lots of things work: running clubs, dance classes, yoga class, a class at the community college, church groups, charity volunteering, whatever. Go out and do stuff. If that takes away some of your meeting time, that's okay. We're supposed to "practice these principles in all our affairs." You need to get some affairs to practice on.

(Not like that! Don't have such a dirty mind... )

[keithj]

Originally Posted by Normas

The desire to drink does go away eventually, but at four months, it is completely normal to want to drink sometimes.

And it is completely normal by 4 months time to have that obsession entirely removed. Somwhere around the 3rd step for me I realized I hadn't thought about a drink, and couldn't recall the last thought of a drink. I think Bill's Story alludes to that same thing when he humbly offered himself to the god of his understanding. The 10th step promises read:

" And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."

Originally Posted by Normas

You need to start putting positive input and activities into your life, rather than just focus on what you can't do anymore. Some people suggested more AA service work, but I would suggest more outside interests and some exercise. Lots of things work: running clubs, dance classes, yoga class, a class at the community college, church groups, charity volunteering, whatever.

I have no wish to argue with you Normas, or be disagreeable. I'm making this comment because it is a great example of what is often heard in meetings, and it spills over from another thread. I think that all of these ideas are great suggestions. However, they are not the program of AA. And they are unlikely to bring about the spiritual awakening sufficient for recovery from alcoholism.

Em002 is working on Step 6. The AA answer (and my exact experience) is to review our work up to this point. Had we been thorough? Do I understand that I am without choice in picking up the first drink? Do I believe that a higher power can relieve my alcoholism? Have I offered my will and life to that power? Is my 4th and 5th step complete? Do I have any secrets so bad I just can't tell? Am I still blaming someone else for my troubles?

Now, am I entirely ready to have that higher power remove those character defects? Am I really? Am I willing to let go of all the behaviors that have gotten me this far in life? Am I willing to accept god's outcome instead of manipulating for my own desires? Am I willing to act like those defects are not there? If so, I'm ready to humbly ask him to remove my shortcomings. My creator, I am willing that you should have all of me..."

Again Normas, no offense intended. Another thread was discussing this and this is a great example of two camps of thought. Some would rather hear me say that I took a lot of exercise and stayed away from certain people places and things. But I didn't. I did exactly what is in that book (sometimes poorly and far from perfectly) and I recovered.

[navysteve]

Maureen,
I hope you can get through this challenging time. I will be praying for you.

[MsChief]

Thank you for this thread, you have helped me so much. I remember, so well, how I felt as this point in my sobriety and 'it too shall pass'.

Please stick at the steps, see it through and you will reap the rewards. God came to me through people in the strangest ways, which I used to feel were coincidences. I know now that God is directing my life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Music]

Normal is a key word here. Normal to me, may not be normal to you or anyone else. I feel the way I feel whether it be normal or not is anyone's guess. Sounds to me like you're in your head with the disease. The old habits are talking to you as they do to most people who're trying to change, whether it be to quit smoking, not eat so much, etc. Just keep calling your sponsor and talking to him/her and you'll pull through this. It's been said, and I agree that "my head is like a bad neighborhood. It's not a good place to get caught alone."

I've come to believe that a spiritual awakening is pretty much what I want it to be. I can see things in nature and think, "wow, that's a God thing." Or, I can think about having a day, week, or month sober and think, "wow, that's a God thing." If I wait for the flashing lights, the fireworks, or a big announcement to let me know that I've just had a spiritual awakening, I just missed it.

From the Big Book:
The terms “spiritual experience” and “spiritual awakening” are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.

Yet it is true that our first printing gave many readers the impression that these personality changes, or religious experiences, must be in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals. Happily for everyone, this conclusion is erroneous.

In the first few chapters a number of sudden revolutionary changes are described. Though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming “God-consciousness” followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.

Among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics such transformations, though frequent, are by no means the rule. Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James calls the “educational variety” because they develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.

Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it “God-consciousness.”

Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.

We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”

—Herbert Spencer

[nocoincidence56]

Getting sober and staying sober are two different things. We get the substances out of our systems then we are left with the habits. "Our liquor was but a symptom. We had to get down to causes and conditions." What we do takes persistence. We have to go through recovery on a daily basis, to deal with life on life's terms. To feel the feelings and know they will not kill us and provide another excuse to use is another positive move towards on-going recovery. You are doing well, just don't give up and use regardless of what your "mind" tells you. Remember, this problem centers in the mind. Maintain a quality relationship with your program and remarkable things will continue to happen. There are many people here who have been, and are now, where you are... Let us share our experience strength and hope. Soon you will understand how alike we are and how you are not so "unique" in your current situation.....

[IO Storm]

Em..

Good for you for working the Steps and with a sponsor.

And it is normal to have thoughts of drinking at four months. Every person will have

an individual experience. Four months is considered to be "early sobriety."

I didn't crave or have the mental obsession after day1..this last time..my 7th time,

following a profound spiritual experience.

I will have 3 years on June 8. There have been two times that I have "thought"

of a drink. On one of these occasions..my sponsor and I were to meet that afternoon.

She was on her way to pick me up but for some reason, was running late.

I had been under a great degree of emotional stress..and just received a phone

call that had left me shaking, in tears, and fearful. I stood at the window..looking

out at the dust storm outside. Suddenly everything looked grey. I felt my mind

spinning away from me..and I thought "a small bottle would do just about now."

I know my only defense against the fist drink comes from a Higher Power..so

I said, "God, help me." I saw my sponsor's car drive up..just then. As I got in,

she said.."Your feelings are normal." She has 22 years' sobriety.

And Em..

I loved your "ironic story"...a "God shot", I would think.

I still have chills..

Keep up the good work..the feelings will pass.

And the promises will come true, if you continue to work for them.