I am really annoyed

[PaperDolls]

I just went to a meeting close to my house. Not my normal meeting but I missed my Tues. night BB study because I've been sick and sleeping all day. C went out of town again on short notice and all of a sudden I decided I need a meeting. There's a place close to my house that had meetings ALL the time. Very convenient. So I looked it up in my directory, perfect 8pm BB meeting. When I get there it turns out it's not a BB meeting but a Sponsorship meeting. Bummer but no problem, of course I could use this topic as many of you know.

Here's the annoying part. I've seen the girl leading the meeting lots of times over the last 5 to 7 years on my sporadic meeting journeys. She's always rubbed me the wrong way. I'm not sure why, it's just one of those things I guess. It never really mattered to me anyway because I'm there to get sober and that's it. Well, tonight she opened up the meeting, blah blah ........ she and three of her friends whispered and giggled throughout the entire meeting. I was sitting right next to them. I gave some unapproving glances but what I really wanted to do what shout at them and tell them to have some damn respect. I could feel my heart racing. I mean really ...... the girl leading the meeting can't even pretend she's listening to people share? What a joke. I feel like I just wasted an hour ..... ok, I know I didn't because there was some great stuff. She wasted an hour. I thought about mentioning something to her after the meeting but I was too angry. I also felt strange about it because it's not my home group but still .... those meetings have saved my butt on several occasions and I don't not want to go because of that.

Should I say something if it happens again? How do I not let it get my so angry. I actually closed my eyes several times and said the Serenity Prayer to myself. It worked for about 3 seconds. :praying

Ok, done ranting for now.

[lizw]

There's a meeting not far from me that can be like that. But usually the woman giggling and carrying on like that have been sober like 2 or 3 times longer than me. 20 or 30 years etc... I either don't go to the meeting or if I do, I expect them to carry on that way so when they do I am not annoyed.

[Antone]

I went to my first AA meeting last Friday night. I have many years experience in another fellowship. This meeting is very close to my home and very convenient. I observed crosstalk and talking during shares. It was difficult for me being a newcomer. Several of the people stared at me during their whole share and it made me very uncomfortable. It might seem like it was well-meaning, but it didn't feel good at all. It felt like ego. Anyways, when I shared, there was so much talking going on that the guy next to me - not the chairperson - had to shush the group. It was weird and really, really, a turn-off.

[jimhere]

There is a meeting I used to go to. Nearly every time I went I left annoyed.

Finally it came to me-don't go there. So now I don't go there anymore and it doesn't annoy me anymore.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Depends for me anyway, who's talking if, it's something serious or not.

If, it's the same group that, always attends the meeting, we do sometimes cut up.

If, the topic is serious, it's in bad taste.

It is pretty much out of line to be acting childish during the meeting.

[CarolD]

Yes...rude disruptive people peeve me too.

I see it most often when we have our Group Concious.
Our GSR/chair handles the crosstalk effectively...
Usually someone leaves in a huff.

In meetings not my home group...I operate on the
3 strikes and I'm not going back.
I will also move away from whispering members.

Glad you came home sober PD....

[CarolD]

Antone....Welcome to SR...

Sorry your first meeting did not go well for you.
I so hope you will find one that will...

Good to know you are here with us

[chris1959]

I have to admit I'm one of those people that giggle and carry on at meetings. Not all the time but at meetings I call "social meetings."

If I go to an AA/NA meeting because I need a meeting than I am totally grateful. It doesn't matter what kind of an AA/NA meeting it is, I can be pretty sure everybody there is clean and sober.

I've been sober 14 years and still go to 6 and 7 meetings a week. 5 of those meetings are closed mens meetings or step studies. The other meetings are what we call "people peepin'" meetings, or ppm,s. I go there never expecting to learn anything but 99% of the time I hear at least one thing I can take with me.

IMO Steps 1 thru 11 are about me, step 12 is about you. When I practice these principles in all my affairs, you don't bother me, in fact, I want to help you. (meaning other people at meetings who I may not agree with, and people in general) I may not like em' all but I have to love em' all.

"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger." pg 66

If I allow myself to be upset over nothing, what use am I to a newcomer who may need to hear that one thing that might save his/her life and keep him/her coming back?

After a time in the rooms I realized I wanted what those happy people had. I'd rather be laughing and enjoying sobriety than be that miserable person over there taking everybody elses inventory.

I only try to share my own experience in hopes of being helpful.
I think most of us learn the hard way. I think we have to before we can understand. I am forever grateful for those that have gone before me and have given me "a design for living that really works." Don't leave before the miracle happens.

Have an awesomely awesome day!!! Your friend in fellowship, Chris

Quotes from Alcoholics Anonymous 1st Edition

[Tazman53]

PD I bet you felt better after typing that didn't you? LOL Getting our feelings out in a safe enviroment is healthy I have found.

I like Carols 3 strike deal, there have been a few meetings I have been to that were like you described, annoying as heck, but the funny thing is I still managed to hear something I needed and I am sure everyone except the whisperers and giiglers did as well.

Antone, welcome to SR, in early sobriety I highly reccommend shopping meetings, there are more good meetings then bad ones, but the bad ones exist! Another thing I have found is for me I find some meetings I get little out of even though they are good meetings for other folks. Just keep going back, find a core group of meetings you like, there are plenty of meetings in most parts of Ca.

[pedro1968]

i have been to several metings where certain people and it always seems to be long time sober people giggle to each other and hold their own conversations when people are sharing i find that it is just rude,many times i was going to say something but i let it go it would not have helped my recovery by confronting them that is the responsibility of the chair person but what annoys me most about this is the impression a newcomer will take away with them,i think its so important that newcomers get a good start and learn about the illness quickly and introduced to the steps quickly too

the people who chose to disrupt meetings are not living the program

[RufusACanal]

What did your Higher Power advise in your daily meditation today?

[kevinv]

Originally Posted by chris1959

I have to admit I'm one of those people that giggle and carry on at meetings. Not all the time but at meetings I call "social meetings."

I agree with you there - I do the same thing when I know people in the room. The fellowship can be very uplifting, and my demeanor tends to reflect it.

I was at a meeting on Monday that was just like it - people were laughing and carrying on and poking fun at each other in a kindhearted manner. The most interesting part was that our topic was the passage about how "[the] alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." Pretty earth-shattering stuff for a newcomer - the idea that without a spiritual solution every alcoholic in that room was effed. Our jovial attitude, as I reflected on it, showed some evidence that although "yeah, we're screwed - (when left to our own devices)" we're doing alright with the assistance of what the steps are putting us into contact with.

Personally, I'd much rather be at a meeting like that where there's a little crosstalk and joking than a puke session with every share ending with "yeah, but I didn't drink today."

Don't get me wrong, sometimes those meetings are absolutely necessary. But IMO the newcomer should see how happy, joyous, and free the program has made those who've worked it.

Originally Posted by chris1959

"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger." pg 66

And seriously, QFT to the above.


Quotes from the first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

[IO Storm]

I don't know peeps..the primary purpose is to carry the message to the alcoholic,

isn't it? Those of us who have time..shouldn't we be courteous and mindful of the

newcomer who comes? Good grief..these are their first meetings.

Meetings aren't social gatherings..they are meetings.

The newcomer is the most important.

Sure, they need to hear happiness, joy, and freedom..but they need to be able

to "hear" to begin with. The speaker..not chattering of others around them.

PD...get up and move away if it happens again.

Hugs

[CAPTAINZING2000]

If, my serenity is where it's supposed to be, I overlook a lot of distractions. If, my serenity level isn't where it's supposed to be, people places and things will annoy me.

We do mention to keep cross talk to a minimum out of respect for people talking. A good chair person should, make mention of this at the start of every meeting.

There is a difference, of asking the person next to you if, they want a refill on their coffee or, something important as to, carrying on as if, the person sharing hasn't got anything important to say.

[Music]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

A good chair person should, make mention of this at the start of every meeting.

However, if this doesn't happen, and the cross-talking starts, I politely excuse myself and make the announcement myself. The reason being, I was told years ago that I should never hold a resentment toward AA or anyone in AA. The reason is simple! I end up depriving myself of the ESH I need to stay sober by excluding myself from certain meetings, just because a person, or persons might show up. So, if the cross-talk continues after I've let my feelings be known, I've know I've done my part and I chalk it up to rude people. If the cross-talk stops, problem solved. I usually say something like, "I think it's rude and inconsiderate to talk while someone else is speaking, and I'd appreciate it if the cross-talk stopped."

[charlieg]

I get angry all the time about all sorts of things. That doesn't mean that I am right and that I have the right to be the arbiter of anyone behavior.

THEY use to say "if you like everyone at meetings you aren't going to enough meetings."

The big book talks about acceptance being the answer to all of our problems. It also talks about if we have a resentment against someone that we are suppose to pray that "they get what we want".

So it's okay to get pissed of with someone but the solutiion to the problem is to pray for them. Doesn't that suck!

[StaWay]

I just think recovery is so hard, especially us who are new to it or trying to get and stay sober, that going to a meeting where people act like that would be very intimidating. Wanting to share, but afraid of being giggled at. I think this is the exact reason I have seeked out a personal counselor.

[PaperDolls]

wow . lots of responses.

Taz -- I did feel so much better after getting it out here. No more anger here. Thank goodness.

I'm going to do the 3 strikes thing. This group has got 2 so far.

In my home group I suppose there is a fair amount of cross talk. We're a big group of regulars and we have a good time together. The difference is we would never talk over someone while they are sharing. The group wouldn't allow it. We're all there for one thing.

One of the reasons I LOVE my home group is their response to newcomers. In fact, the reason it became my home group is because of the welcome and support they gave me at my first meeting to the group. I NEVER go that at this other group. It's too bad really because the annoying group is like 2 blocks away and they have meeting all the time.


I think most of the people at the group, which was fairly small, had significant sober time but I did see several people giving them looks.

I'm over it now. We'll see what happens on my next meeting there. I do know that the meetings that this particular member does not lead and they are much better.

Thank y'all.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Originally Posted by StaWay

I just think recovery is so hard, especially us who are new to it or trying to get and stay sober, that going to a meeting where people act like that would be very intimidating. Wanting to share, but afraid of being giggled at. I think this is the exact reason I have seeked out a personal counselor.

Thank you for reminding those of us with several years sobriety , how hard it is to open up when, new to the program.

Let me be the first to tell you, you earned your seat and have every right to say what's on your mind or, to get any kind of feedback helpful to you

[BP44]

If you like everyone in AA and everyone in AA likes you, then you're still being a phony. Acceptance on the other hand, is something entirely different. I never met Don P., but he gave me a powerful gift in one of his talks. For me to belong I must accept you. I must accept who you are, where you are. Belonging isn't about me being accepted, respected or any of the other things I think I need to belong. Practicing this allows me to not go into AA meetings and go, " they don't do AA right here". Every time I've been annoyed, it's always been me saying, " this meeting isn't going the way I think it should". Quite frankly, how should I know how a meeting should go? Do I really think I know what YOU need? Hell, half the time I don't know what I need. But what I've learned is that God knows what I need. God knows what you need. I've led discussions that I didn't think quite hit the mark that I had in my own head before the meeting only to have someone come up after and say they heard exactly what they needed to hear. Shows how much I know.

[bob_sapp]

Some people just have no class or manners. This isn't just in AA, it's epidemic.

[PaperDolls]

Originally Posted by bob_sapp

Some people just have no class or manners. This isn't just in AA, it's epidemic.

True dat.

[IO Storm]

Dat true. Very. lol

[Tazman53]

Some people just have no class or manners. This isn't just in AA, it's epidemic.

So very true....... one of the things I love about crusty old timers is they will not hesitate to call someone on their crap, crosstalk in particular. The ones who do this are pretty old school and still show the utmost respect no matter who is sharing by being quiet and paying attention even though I am surre in many cases it is the same old crap in ways, but they have found the solution and gladly share that solution.

You know PD I was thinking if this is a discussion meeting perhaps you could bring up the topic of R E S P E C T!!!!!! Share about how when you were a newcomer it made it very difficult to hear the message when some folks were giggling, whispering, & crosstalking, share about how it still effects you.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by BP44

If you like everyone in AA and everyone in AA likes you, then you're still being a phony. Acceptance on the other hand, is something entirely different. I never met Don P., but he gave me a powerful gift in one of his talks. For me to belong I must accept you. I must accept who you are, where you are. Belonging isn't about me being accepted, respected or any of the other things I think I need to belong. Practicing this allows me to not go into AA meetings and go, " they don't do AA right here". Every time I've been annoyed, it's always been me saying, " this meeting isn't going the way I think it should". Quite frankly, how should I know how a meeting should go? Do I really think I know what YOU need? Hell, half the time I don't know what I need. But what I've learned is that God knows what I need. God knows what you need. I've led discussions that I didn't think quite hit the mark that I had in my own head before the meeting only to have someone come up after and say they heard exactly what they needed to hear. Shows how much I know.

You know, I knew Don and I've heard him say something along those lines several times. But I've also heard him say "Don't mistake tolerance for permisiveness."

I've been know to ask people to take that kind of stuff outside. There is a former member of my current homegroup who is incredibly insensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff. We have a speaker meeting once a month and one time his cell phone rang (silently) and he answered it and then got up and walked right in front of the podium, talking on his phone. A few of us daid something to him about it. He actually got upset and left the group. Now I imagine that he is inflicting that kind of immature, self-centered crap on another group. Maybe one that isn't mature enough to know how to handle it and lets him get away with it.

The group I belonged to before this one is very structured. By an unspoken group conscience, and by that I mean that sponsors in the group bring up their sponsees to respect the group, one another, our guests, and AA as a whole, you don't see the kind of stuff that is the subject of this thread. If someone is speaking, we don't get up to get coffee and walk in front of him. If we left the room and came back, we waited until the person speaking was finished until we went to our seats. No getting up and wandering in and out to smoke or talk on the phone. Very little profanity. This is all the result of solid, principled sponsorship in the group.

So, while I might accept the person, I don't accept the behavior and will say something about it. To not do so is not living in the spirit of The First Tradition. The good of the group comes before the good of any individual in the group.
Jim