Relationships with Sponsors

[sfgirl]

I was just wondering for people who do AA how important peoples' relationships with their sponsors have been? Do you think that it was one of the major aspects of AA? Did it help you rebuild trust? Positive or negative experiences.

Also how key was the sponsor in doing your twelve step work?

Thanks for sharing in advance!

[CarolD]

First....you go to an actual f2f meeting.

Then look on the free literature rack
most will have the official AA guideline

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

Take it home and read about AA sponsorship.

Glad to know you are interested.

[navysteve]

Hello sfgirl,
First off i will ditto what Carol said about the meetings and the pamphlet. I had two sponsors before I had an AA sponsor. The first one told me all the catch phrases you hear in the rooms and said just don't drink and go to meetings. That may work well for some but I was in such a state of misery when I got here that I needed a solution to replace my solution ( the booze). My second sponsor was pseudo spiritual and very transparent, he was basically the same as my first sponsor but threw the word God around to make it sound better.

Then I was introduced to Jack. I was 90 days sober and a very good friend who forged ahead in AA introduced me to him. He had the solution in the book ( the Big Book that is) and he guided me through the steps. After a few years he moved one way and I the other. We lost touch and I never got a new sponsor. I spent years roaming around aimlessly until I was 12 years sober and contemplating a drink. Then I met Bill ( no that Bill, but he did meet him and Clarence and many of the first AA's). Bill helped me to re-awaken to what AA is all about. We went through the steps again, we talked alot about spirituality. We looked outside AA for certain areas, and talked about the traditions and how important our singleness of purpose is. Today he is one of my dearest friends. We are equals as far as AA goes. There is no heirarchy because of his time or status in AA, but I would not be where I am and in the state of mind I am had it not been for him. The common thing Bill and Jack had in common with me was they made recovery my responsibility. I was never told when I could work a step I was asked if i wanted to get better now. I was also given the freedom to balk. I was not fired for failure to comply with any direction. They showed me the program

[24hrsAday]

honestly.. i have only had my one sponsor.. all the attempts at sobriety before this current stretch of time i'd really never had one. he is a friend.. but.. in the beginning he was just a guy i thought "had his **** together" recovery is a process and a good sponsor can be very important! finding a good fit for yourself though takes time..

[CarolD]

I've never had a formal AA sponsor.
I relocated twice after starting my Steps.
Thus...I did my formal Step work with several members.

As a sponsor...I consider myself to be a mentor for
Step work. I have become friends with some sponsees
after we have gone thru the Steps.
An added bonus...

Yes I think Steps are vital to AA recovery.
Yes...I think Steps require a mentor.
Yes...I do trust my fellow AA members regarding my recovery.

There is nothing I won't share if I think it's important
to anothers or my well being.
However.... That does not include my
bank PIN or my SS numbers...

[RufusACanal]

My Step work over the years was in partnership with several different men who sponsored me when a kick in the teeth would have been more pleasurable; they were a godsend.

While Alcoholics tend to think they are the repository for all worldly wisdom, this Alcoholic found that a dissenting view was just what I needed to learn that my thinking and my views were stunted by years of active use and mental instability. Going from the piece of something that I used to be and beginning the trek to changing everything, has been and continues to be a life work. For example, my old value system was a complete 180 from today; if I wanted something, I usually stole it. I needed drastic help. I needed a guide who would not be confused about my ability to con the world. As a younger man, I probably looked for a Messiah to save me from the torment of Alcoholism and self. This thinking changed the years when it finally dawned on me that the Power came from a greater force whose handy work I could see, but whose presence I could not. I used people so badly for so long; it took much to understand the role that a Sponsor would serve. I wanted to use people even when they were on guard and knew what I was doing. It was the only way at that time I knew how to live.

How can anyone possible change without the help of another if they receive nothing more than an explanation of the new rules. So with many embarrassing events and many hurt feelings, I started to learn that the Sponsor was simply another human who had already walked the path that I so needed. They were not there for anything but path direction; if I wanted what they had, I better do what they did. Emotional entanglements ended because I met more and more healthy recovered people who were willing to direct me on the path, but not play my games. Talk about an eye opener, my indignant meter was off the hook most of the time and I built resentments like falling rain.

Recovered people are in this fellowship; they do not have billboards, but you can find them if you are willing. I learned that after many failed attempts, I needed someone who would direct my path, but who was not responsible for anything concerning me and only a recovered person would fit that bill.

As they told me in my first Care Unit treatment thirty years ago, “Two sickies, do not make a wellie.” Of course the reference was tied to the relationship I started while there, but the same remains now for me in the Sponsee-Sponsor relationship. Alcoholism is the most subtle foe and like a spinal cord leach, it uses every resource of the human experience to maintain itself in our lives. It was far easier to have some chump of a Sponsor who didn't know his butt from a hole in the ground to manipulate, than to have a recovered man who knew what I would do before I did it. If you haven’t the lessons to guide, how can you; on the fly? Looking back now, I was graced with a miracle when I accepted the terms of a certain recovered man to be directed on the path to a New Life. He cut through the insanity, like a knife through hot butter and simplified the process of working the Steps by following the instructions in the Big Book; what a freaking concept! For sure, this is why, I am an advocate of Sponsors completing all of the Steps and being recovered before directing anyone’s path. Others disagreed and justify their position with a gazillion reasons, why. I needed someone who had successful recovered and who continues to live free and on the same path.


After all the years of up and down and now up, I do the same thing. When I need answers, I go to those who I believe that not only lived the problem like me, but who have found the solution and continue to live in it. Why would I ever want part of the answer from someone recovering , when I can get the whole answer from a recovered man?

[Tazman53]

Very little I can add to the above, I needed a sponsor/mentor because part of getting really sober for me involved me getting humble. I had to accept that I did not know everything, and I knew nothing about staying sober, so I broke down and asked some one to help me, the first man I asked was my temporary sponsor, soon after I found my present sponsor. My present sponsor took me through the steps as laid out in the BB, that changed and saved my life.

Did he help me rebuild trust? You bet he did, I entrusted him with my life and my deepest darkest secrets, they are both safe today. There were a lot of years I trusted no one.

Without my sponsor I could have fooled myself into believing I had taken the 12 steps and I would have got drunk once again.

My sponsor took me through the steps as spelled out in the book, this led me to a God of my understanding that has helped me deal with my alcoholism and all problems in my life today.

You see my sponsor taught me to not put my fiath or sobriety in his hands, he taught me to put my faith and sobriety into the hands of my HP.

[sugErspun]

I don't know if the relationship itself has been very important. I like my sponsor - we get along well...but I have a lot of friends in and out of AA that I like and get along with.

Meeting with him and reading the book outloud, getting precise instruction and not being subject to his opinion about things is much more important. He told me from the get-go that if something is suggested and it cannot be tied back to the program of recovery outlined in that book ~ then it's just his opinion and I can do with it what I want. Having him listen to my 5th step and giving his input and instruction on what to do, the overview of each of my ammends - what harm I caused to whom and my plan of approaching them was also very helpful. His availability day and night to hear my 10th steps has been wonderful also.

I told another human being my entire story - he is my sponsor and didn't sell me short on the possibilities that could be mine (which are endless) - nor did he avoid telling me the truth, even though I may not have liked it very much (ie - cares enough about me to know that hurting my feelings is better than letting me continue to live in delusion about my condition - which is reflected in my actions or lack thereof).

Even though the book is not specific about sponsorship (actually it's all about sponsorship, but thats another thread in and of itself)...I think AA's have realized that the sponsor-sponsee is beneficial to everyone involved.

[RufusACanal]

Originally Posted by sugErspun

Even though the book is not specific about sponsorship (actually it's all about sponsorship, but thats another thread in and of itself)...I think AA's have realized that the sponsor-sponsee is beneficial to everyone involved.

So true, thank you Adam!

[DaveBB164]

I had a fellowship kind of sponsor who wanted me to be friends with him, he told me to go to meetings and spouted a lot of AA cliched sayings, pretty similar to navysteve, when I was suicidal and could not stand anymore of meetings and not drinking he told me the problem was I needed to make more meetings, I was already attending 7 a week, eventually I drank,

when I came back to AA I was coming off a drunk, I had drunk that day and got up to leave half way through the meeting and a guy followed me and put his hand on my shoulder and asked me what I would say if he told me I never need take another drink, he turned out to be an AA sponsor and we started the work together the next day, he made sure I had a thorough understanding of the traditions and concepts, as well as playing a part in saving my life he is my dearest friend today, we live 150 miles apart now but we never grow apart there is that special bond and understanding between us that will never be broken,

bottom line is he loved me enough to show me the truth and the truth set me free.

Dave

[Jfanagle]

I chose my sponsor based on "someone who had what I wanted" and he always "suggested" certain actions and that I not drink no matter what else I was or wasn't willing to do.

After 30 days and a whole lot more than 30 meetings, we sat down and I listened as he "suggested" that I begin my 4TH step and "suggested" that I use the format in the Big Book, or something close to it, as a template for writing my 4TH. When that was done, we met and I walked through the 5TH step with him. This was really the first time in my drinking life that I confronted my demons and identified my fears.

Over the course of the next several months we discussed the balance of the steps and particularly how the last three were important to me if I wanted to stay sober. Bill, (my sponsor) has since moved to Texas and I have a second sober member of AA who has many many more years sober than I, who I call my sponsor, but Bill is and will always be my sponsor as well.

The example set for me by Bill and others has kept me sober these past 9-1/2 years; and more importantly reminds me that I have an obligation to give back that which was given to me. I am not sure trust is the major component of a sponsor-sponsee relationship as much as the living example that a successful life lived sober can be. At any rate, without the opportunity to actually see in another human being what sobriety can be like, I would have been unlikely to have started trying to acquire it.

Just my experience,

Jon

[collinsmi]

It was important early on that I saw my sponsor had experienced the kind of troubles from alcoholism that I had - that he wasn't talking down from some height. It's equally important that he be able to recognize, and call me on my BS.

IMHO, a sponsor's primary purpose IS to guide me through the steps. That's the reason for the relationship.

[kevinv]

Originally Posted by collinsmi

IMHO, a sponsor's primary purpose IS to guide me through the steps. That's the reason for the relationship.

So true. I think about all of the horrible, non-solution-based advice I got from the angry-white-knuckling crowd when I first came into the program at 21 and I wonder how many people have heard that stuff, blew it off (like I did), and died as a result.

I didn't give the program a bit of a chance until I met some people who had a solution to my problem.

I remember wanting to shove the phrase "just turn it over" down quite a few throats as I sat in my vicious agnosticism at first step tables a few years back.

My sponsor today knows the book, he knows the steps, and he knows how to make sure I'm working them as close to the way the first hundred did as possible.

That is sponsorship. My sponsor is not my therapist.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by kevinv

So true. I think about all of the horrible, non-solution-based advice I got from the angry-white-knuckling crowd when I first came into the program at 21 and I wonder how many people have heard that stuff, blew it off (like I did), and died as a result.

I didn't give the program a bit of a chance until I met some people who had a solution to my problem.

I remember wanting to shove the phrase "just turn it over" down quite a few throats as I sat in my vicious agnosticism at first step tables a few years back.

My sponsor today knows the book, he knows the steps, and he knows how to make sure I'm working them as close to the way the first hundred did as possible.

That is sponsorship. My sponsor is not my therapist.

I have had the same experience of sitting in AA meetings hearing them talk about "turning it over," and wondering "How the hell do you do that?" I even asked out loud one day and no one could tell me.

When I was six months sober I was coming apart at the seams and was either going to drink again, blow my head off, or end up in the psych ward. I didn't know what was wrong, after all, I'm not drinking right? If one more person had said "This too shall pass", I was gonna grab them by the throat because it wasn't passing. I was at about this point that I broke down and asked for help.

My first sponsor did with me exactly as Adam's did with him. He read the book out loud and when it came to something to do, we did it. Beyond that, I spent a lot of time at his house. I got to know his sponsor and grand-sponsor and the other guys he sponsored. I remember going the first Fellowship of The Spirit conference in Colorado and meeting a whole bunch of people that I was "related" to through the sponsorship chain.

My first sponsor drank again when he was seventeen years sober and I was almost eleven years sober. He had drifted away a few years before that and we didn't have a lot to talk about for a few years. After he drank again he called me and I tried working with him. He is sober a few years now and doesn't belong to AA anymore, but we talk on the phone a few times a month.

Since he drank, I haven't had a real sponsor. I've had, and still have a few mentors. In fact one of them, probably the closest thing I've had to a sponsor, just passed away with thirty-nine years of sobriety. I stay involved mostly though working with others.
Jim

[Ago]

There are a number of "suggestions" in the Big Book, like the steps.

The Big Book states "Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness" however are "indispensable"

For me, getting and working the twelve steps with a sponsor also fell under the category of "indispensable", I needed to do that before I could sponsor others, because how could I pass on what I didn't have? Something I had no experience with?

Later on, with a good support group I went through pretty long periods of time without a "formal sponsor" because I had to be accountable to these folks in my support group, very much like being accountable to a sponsor, when I needed to work the steps again, which I do and have done quite a few times, if I didn't have a sponsor at the time, I got one.

I can't fix what's broken with what's broken, and if my thinking is at the root of my drinking, I can't use my my thinking to fix my thinking, for that I needed a sponsor to take me through the steps.

An observation I have made around meetings from quite a few people is a good way to figure out if you need a sponsor or not is to go without one for a year or so, if you don't drink you are usually in enough pain to get one and work the steps.

Relationships in early sobriety also are helpful to achieve this very same result, it's kind of like, the Book states, if you have any questions if you are an alcoholic, step over to the nearest bar and try some controlled drinking.

It's my experience that I have to be given "The Gift of Desperation" before I have ever effected any real change. It's up to each person whether or not to acquire "The Gift of Desperation" or just follow whats worked in helping others before them to achieve sobriety and contentment.

For me, it's always been "I'll take 'the hot stove' for 300 Alex"

[chris1959]

I have an AA sponsor. I have a spiritual adviser. I have a golf instuctor.
And I have many friends.

My sponsor and I share our experience of working and living the steps.

My spiritual adviser, advises me in spiritual matters.

My golf instructor helps to keep my swing in line.

My friends help to keep me in line.

Humility, remaining teachable, and not taking a drink keeps me sober.

The minute I don't think I need people or these things in my life, I'm beat !!


Ok, ok, maybe I don't need the golf instructor, but hey

I've learned the hard way that when I try to do things on my own I will mess it up. Advise is key, when I ask for it, and the more I learn and the older I get, the more I ask for it.

[bob_sapp]

The sponsor is so important. I had a sponsor in name only for the first few years. It's not his fault, I think he just gave me what he had, which wasn't much. He was just too busy, we couldn't relate, he didn't believe in having a close relationship with your sponsor. The second sponsor I got about 6 months ago, and he completely changed my sobriety. We talk at least once a week, go for coffee, he has a cell phone that I can call any time day or night, he cares and he makes sure I know it. Now I sponsor a guy. We go for coffee, we go through the steps, we go to church together, we go to movies and just hang out. When we started he would go on 4 day benders, phoning me drunk, ending up in jail for stealing booze from the liquor store in a blackout. Now I've gotten him to chair his first meeting, he just did his step 5 last week. Noone tells anyone else what to do, it's about god as we understand god, the BB, and having genuine fellowship. It's unbelievable.