How do I 'Fire' my sponsor?

[SeaHorse]

I would like some tips on how to 'fire' my sponsor. What is the proper protocol?

I realize that her way is not by the big book. And that is how I want to be sponsored. Also, I am not sure why I picked her in the first place. Mostly just impulse. She has 8 years. I've only had her for a week. But she does not really have what I want.

She smokes (I quit 8 months ago, and being around her has triggered smoking dreams), she informed me that 'everyone has to work' (I have a disability), and then found out, when I asked her if she works..that she doesn't!!!! HEllo...practice what you preach...and she once made the condescending remark to me...'don't show up at my door asking to live with me because you bought some expensive perfume'...omg...1- I would NEVER live in another woman's household!! I would rather live on the street. and 2 - I am a bargain betty and don't buy expensive perfume, or clothes or what not...my source of financial duress is due to student loans, and being separated from my husband right now. Also she is single, and flirts shamelessly with the single men at the meeting. I drive a nicer car than her...and I find out she has some condition on her license that she needs some dr's note for the medication she is on..and seems to be in a very heavily medicated fog most of the time..very flat affect...AND she didn't make her court date, and I informed her that means she has a warrant out for her arrest, and she didn't believe me. Now she wants me to do 90 om 90 (not in the big book) and expects me to drive in snowstorms with no gas to get to a meeting!

I was told by someone to just stop calling her so that's what i'm going to do. I decided this after calling her this morning and getting voice mail. She has not called me back and I will not pick up when she does (thank you caller ID), she is probably on the phone with her sponsor figuring out a way to fire ME..lol!!!

I would like to hear from you guys what you did when you decided not to have your sponsor, and how they reacted. I know I can't control how she reacts but it will make seeing her at meetings kind of uncomfortable. I nicely fired one sponsor years ago, i thought i was very diplomatic, AND she gave me the cold shoulder and had a resentment after that!

Thank you!

[SeaHorse]

BTW...I only have about 70 days sobriety this go-round. I do want a sponsor that is right for me and believe in working the steps as they are laid out in the big book.

[SeaHorse]

oh and one more quick thing..i started writing my step one. should i stop working on it until I find another sponsor, or continue to work on it. ty

[bob_sapp]

I left a message on my old sponsor's answering machine. I said "yeah hi this is X, I have to let someone else have a go, thanks for 2 years."

[doorknob]

I like the expression "kick rocks"...

I drive a nicer car than her...

Hey now... ain't no shame rollin' in a hoopdi!

[ANGELINA243]

Just be honest--you can just say that this sponsor/sponsee relationship isn't working for you...and just leave it at that. Keep it simple.

[stone]

I just fired mine by email.

[Sugah]

I strongly dislike the word "fire" in relation to changing sponsors or letting a sponsee go. It implies some sort of contractual control of one person over another.

I do believe that when I have a relationship with a person, it's best in the spirit of love and honesty to express a change to her. "Thank you for your time, but this is not working out for me, and I'm actively looking for another sponsor who's a better fit," works just fine. No finger-pointing, no blame game, no "firing."

Just my two cents. I'll say a prayer that you find the person who's right for you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[jimhere]

Well, I would not go into all the reasons you have just given. Simply state that you are not getting your spiritual needs met. How she reacts is not your problem. Your problem is that you don't like to be uncomfortable.

I do't see how what kind of car she drives would have anything to do with it, though. Kind of shallow, IMO.

[ananda]

I hate the fired stuff too...it seems silly to me.

When I change sponsors i jsut say I've decided to change sponsors.....it isn't even necessary to say it isn't working...just let them know you have moved on.

Early on I just stoped calling and got a new one...in the form of sponsorship practiced in AA at that time in my area that was perfectly fine and acceptable.

Where I am now and when i am now...i would need to make a call to let them know as things are different.

[bob_sapp]

Originally Posted by ananda

I hate the fired stuff too...it seems silly to me.

I agree. Another phrase I don't understand is "BB nazi" or "service nazi." These terms are offensive to AA, jewish people, and anyone else who knows anything about the holocaust.

[lizw]

I find the word 'fired' a bit rough also. Sounds like you've been given some good advice here. Just phone her and say thanks but no thanks and when you ask someone next time to sponsor you, may help to find out a bit about them first, like how they work their program.

When I got sober, there was this woman I always saw at meetings who was beautiful, been sober forever, had her own business, modern car and spoke really well at meetings so I wanted to ask her, because that was I thought life was about - looking good.

These days I thank my lucky stars I never had the courage to ask her because she is IMO pretty sick, emotionally. Very manipulative, cruel, flashy, drama queen etc...

Instead I got a little old lady who lived in a bedsit and told me she never used the 'F' word outside of her own home - she was very old fashion.
We also read the big book together. For me God works through all kinds of people, I just have to be open minded enough to see/hear it.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by bob_sapp

I agree. Another phrase I don't understand is "BB nazi" or "service nazi." These terms are offensive to AA, jewish people, and anyone else who knows anything about the holocaust.

I'm not Jewish and I find those terms offensive. To use a term like "Big Book Nazi" to describe another member of the fellowship that saved both our lives is indeed offensive, and how someone could use it to describe a program that stresses love, tolerance, and service to all is beyond me.
Jim

[doorknob]

Originally Posted by bob_sapp

Another phrase I don't understand is "BB nazi" or "service nazi." These terms are offensive to AA, jewish people, and anyone else who knows anything about the holocaust.

That term has pretty much been adopted by pop culture and applied to everything...

(slang, usually pejorative, see usage notes below) One who imposes one's views on others.

She's a total grammar Nazi.

[SeaHorse]

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your responses. I only used the term 'fired' because I didn't know how else to put it. So I will rephrase that...'change' sponsor...or 'discontinue' sponsor.

Also, I knew when I wrote about the 'nicer car' thing I might be understood and called shallow. I am so not shallow. I just feel that financial responsibility is a good sign. My car is not that nice..it is a 2001 for goodness sakes...

I have to be very careful how I word things around here I've found. Mea culpa.

Thank you for the good advice though. I called someone I know in the program and I've decided to take his advice and the advice I got years ago, just not call her. When I see her at a meeting I will be my usual friendly self and if she asks me why I'm not calling her, I'll simply say 'something'...lol...but not give a lot of reasons she can shoot down..

I notice that she has not returned my call and it is midafternoon so she has probably fired ME anyways LOL!...

Last Sunday there was a snowstorm and she wanted me to go to a meeting. So I felt guilty for not going. Today is another huge snowstorm and I am so glad I can relax and not feel guilty for driving in a snowstorm....

A couple of weeks ago I drove in a blizzard to a meeting. On the way back it was me and the snowplows..and I thought..this is effing ridiculous!

Oh, and I asked my friend who has 8 years in the program..and does it the big book way...about my first step ..and he said i've already done step 1 -3 and don't need to write anything down until the fourth step. Yay!

Thanks everyone! From the most unshallow person I know! ME! I will never mention material things again!!!!! I will soar above the masses on a cloud of spirituality from henceforth..and if you don't have a sense of humor...oh well!

Have a nice Sunday!

[SeaHorse]

Doorknob,

I have found one has to word things very carefully around here! I am so glad the AA meetings I go to there is a much kinder gentler crowd..I mean most of the people on here are nice, but some just seem to find anything in your words to pick apart.

I'm considering not posting anymore, as I, like most alcoholics, am 'sensitive to the extreme' and personally, I hate being misunderstood and judged in a negative way! By the way what is a hoopdi??? lol..is that a hyundai?

[bob_sapp]

Originally Posted by doorknob

That term has pretty much been adopted by pop culture and applied to everything...

And it's no more acceptable than it is in this context. By lightly using terms like "nazi" it subtracts from their true meaning, and distorts the lessons we are supposed to have taken away from the holocaust.

[yeahgr8]

Seahorse don't listen to them, you can use the ignore button i believe too if you are that bothered about it! Just post what you want the moderators are more than able to manage any offensive posts and do so on a regular basis. Stopping posting not only hurts you but also other newcomers who may pick up something from your posts that may inspire them to do something about their problems

But as we can post our own opinion using our own words, it is entirely fair that someone else can offer their opinion on our posts or the way we word them and you should not take this to heart, sometimes easier said than done!

[SeaHorse]

yeahgr8...thank you so much! I forgot about the ignore button! And the moderators here are absolutely awesome on keeping on top of things before they spiral out of control...kudos to the mods!!!!!

I will try to grow more of a 'rhino hide'..lol....it is a term we use in the sales biz..i used to work at an inbound callcenter...so got lots of NO's to my great offers to improve your love life for only 24.95! In fact I am in great need of a job, and know I could work at a callcenter (inbound calls only..no outbound calls) but think it would effect my sobriety..as most of the people there party..AND i don't feel right about some of the products..they seem kind of hokey to me!

I just found this great website with speaker tapes of oldtimers of AA, going to listen to that now since I can't get out to a meeting due to YET ANOTHER huge snowstorm here in the northeast!

[jimhere]

"If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink you are of coarse, going to be very happy. But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be."
-Chapter 8, To Wives, page 117

If I was looking for a sponsor, the first question I would ask is have they taken the steps. And then I would look at how they live. But I'll tell you what, if it was about me solving all my problems and then being useful I'd be drunk right now.

I'm sober eighteen years and my car is a 1998 Toyota Camry with 170, 000 miles on it.

I live very simply, I'm not in debt, other than a mortage, which my income covers adequately. It took me almost the first ten years sober to pay my financial amends. After that I made another mess that took me several years to straighten out.

They say that finances and romances are the areas we alkies have the most trouble with, that has certainly been true in my experience. I think with me, money was the last area of my life that I surrendered my agnostic tendecies and gave over to trusting God.

But I will also say that during the time I've been sober and have had money problems and other problems, God still used me. I gave all of me to God and God uses me as I am, not as I think I should be. And certainly not as others think I should be.

As for just not calling her, I don't buy that. You asked for help didn't you? The least you owe is a courtesy call. Not calling is just like an alcoholic who won't take responsibilty and be honest because being honest might be uncomfortable. Instead we just pass through people's lives and when the going gets a little tough or uncomfortable, we just leave. Same goes for the ignore button. Let's just ignore what is uncomfortable, kind of like the stack of unopened bills in the drawer or using caller id to ignore the bill collectors. I don't know about you all, but my whole life has been a search for comfort and it damn near killed me and hurt a lot of people in the process. And it is real easy to turn Alcoholics Anonymous into just another search for comfort. You will just have to learn to be uncomfortable at times. The sooner I learned that, the easier it became to either just sit through it or to take responsible action.

By the way, you are right about growing some thicker skin. You asked, after all. I've had to learn not to take everything so personally. I don't say what I say as a personal attack, it is just that I have found that the direct approach is the best approach.
Peace,
Jim

Big Book refrences from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[trucker]

Whats great here.....imo

Is your determination to work through the BB..

Your realization thats not happening with this sponsor and you need to move on.

The most appropriate way to do that?...

Grab someone at your home group and see what they think..

Me........i guess id be pretty straight to the point without rudeness or disrespect.......which im sure you wouldnt

Thankyou so much for helping me but...........

Get a new sponsor asap.........pick wisely..........maybe a "lets see how it works out"

Pick a sponsor that has a sponsor i feel is important......i dont think its rude to ask the question.

This is only my take.............if it helps great.

Keep smiling..............

[SeaHorse]

jimh, thank you for your response. 18 years is awesome...! Only 2 months sober here and dealing with the wreckage of the past..very overwhelming...like you said..I used to run and hide in the bottle...

I'm sorry I brought up the car issue..technically..I don't even own a car..the bank does..I have one more year to pay on it...I'm sure yours is paid for ! And my sponsor's is too I bet!

Last week was rough. I called some creditors and tried to make payments arrangements for my student loan but alast it was too little too late and they are taking matters into their own hands, and are attaching my very meager income starting this month. But the beauty of it is..I was running from them for years..and now I can pick up the phone because I confronted that demon. At least I was responsible with the car and picked out one I could afford and only took out a 3 year loan. Never missed a payment on that.

..I am temporarily hiding from my sponsor until I get guidance from HP on how to handle this...

And, I am living alone in a two floor, two bedroom apartment...way above my modest means..and decided I would rather live in a room that I can afford...in fact I am going to check in my area for some sober houses. BUT no..I don't want a room-mate..like judge judy says...I'd rather live in a shoebox alone!

I am sorry if I sounded arrogant..it's really not who I am...\
And btw, I never did end up using that ignore button..I am too nosy to not know what people are saying lol!

luckily, I never took out a mortgage I couldn't afford, or had huge credit card debt..so i'm really only less than 5k in debt total..but it seems like a mountain right now. thank you for sharing your story with me about the financial stuff..it gives me hope ...that if you could do it...and stay sober..i can too....

trucker..thank you so much ...i agree about getting another sponsor as soon as possible..i think one of my fears of calling her is she has already fired ME!!! lol!!! and i'd rather not know if that is the case and maybe save us both a little hurt..hence my reluctance to talk to her right now...btw i haven't asked hubby yet about the england thing but i will tomorrow ! btw..i love your avatar...it is wicked cute!!!

[navysteve]

oh and one more quick thing..i started writing my step one. should i stop working on it until I find another sponsor, or continue to work on it. ty

This is just my opinion, but if your sponsor makes you write about step one, then you need a new sponsor.

Do you know that you are powerless over alcohol?
Do you realize that when you pick up a drink you lose control? Even if it isn't everytime you drink? If you cannot guarantee that everytime you drink you can stop then you are powerless. If you ain't powerless, then you don't need steps.

If I was looking for a sponsor, the first question I would ask is have they taken the steps. And then I would look at how they live. But I'll tell you what, if it was about me solving all my problems and then being useful I'd be drunk right now.

Nothing to add to what Jim said there.

[FightingIrish]

Personally, I hate to think of sponsorship as some sort of popularity contest - or even a dating type of situation.

When I was in treatment, they made us get a sponsor in order to be able to leave the grounds to go to meetings in town and stuff. I called the one friend from home who was in A.A. and he became my sponsor. We talked just about every day because I needed someone to bounce all my crazy thoughts and questions off of.

After leaving treatment, I moved to another town (for work), so I ended up finding another sponsor. Actually, he found me...he came up to me after a meeting one night after I shared about needing to get down to the Steps and said, "if you'd like some help going through the Book..."

As a result, that's what we did. We got together once or twice a week or so and did the stuff in the book. Took about six weeks. We don't talk every day. I have fortunately not needed to make a big drama out of finding/having a sponsor.

I have a friend who has changed sponsors about six times in the year or so I've known him...one recently lasted a day and a half. While this is of course none of my business, I can't help but feel the retail mentality as regards sponsorship is not helping him. Of course, as I say, I have been lucky and have not had any overwhelming issues with my sponsor.

[SeaHorse]

"This is just my opinion, but if your sponsor makes you write about step one, then you need a new sponsor." +
+navysteve...i absolutely agree, according to the big book, there is no writing until step four..also she wants me to do '90 in 90'...basically there are severe philosophical differences as I am a follower of 'oldtime AA'. AA as it was intended by it's founders. Not all this newfangled crapola out of rehab and who knows where.

And my friend Ben, 8 years sober in the program, recovered alkie, he did the steps as laid out in the big book, said the exact same thing as you earlier today.

So I am not frivolously changing sponsors on whim...I learned my lesson, to ask some pertinent questions before asking someone to be a sponsor..!