shaun00

Whats great here.....imo

Is your determination to work through the BB..

Your realization thats not happening with this sponsor and you need to move on.

The most appropriate way to do that?...

Grab someone at your home group and see what they think..

Me........i guess id be pretty straight to the point without rudeness or disrespect.......which im sure you wouldnt

Thankyou so much for helping me but...........

Get a new sponsor asap.........pick wisely..........maybe a "lets see how it works out"

Pick a sponsor that has a sponsor i feel is important......i dont think its rude to ask the question.

This is only my take.............if it helps great.

Keep smiling..............

SeaHorse

jimh, thank you for your response. 18 years is awesome...! Only 2 months sober here and dealing with the wreckage of the past..very overwhelming...like you said..I used to run and hide in the bottle...

I'm sorry I brought up the car issue..technically..I don't even own a car..the bank does..I have one more year to pay on it...I'm sure yours is paid for ! And my sponsor's is too I bet!

Last week was rough. I called some creditors and tried to make payments arrangements for my student loan but alast it was too little too late and they are taking matters into their own hands, and are attaching my very meager income starting this month. But the beauty of it is..I was running from them for years..and now I can pick up the phone because I confronted that demon. At least I was responsible with the car and picked out one I could afford and only took out a 3 year loan. Never missed a payment on that.

..I am temporarily hiding from my sponsor until I get guidance from HP on how to handle this...

And, I am living alone in a two floor, two bedroom apartment...way above my modest means..and decided I would rather live in a room that I can afford...in fact I am going to check in my area for some sober houses. BUT no..I don't want a room-mate..like judge judy says...I'd rather live in a shoebox alone!

I am sorry if I sounded arrogant..it's really not who I am...\
And btw, I never did end up using that ignore button..I am too nosy to not know what people are saying lol!

luckily, I never took out a mortgage I couldn't afford, or had huge credit card debt..so i'm really only less than 5k in debt total..but it seems like a mountain right now. thank you for sharing your story with me about the financial stuff..it gives me hope ...that if you could do it...and stay sober..i can too....

trucker..thank you so much ...i agree about getting another sponsor as soon as possible..i think one of my fears of calling her is she has already fired ME!!! lol!!! and i'd rather not know if that is the case and maybe save us both a little hurt..hence my reluctance to talk to her right now...btw i haven't asked hubby yet about the england thing but i will tomorrow ! btw..i love your avatar...it is wicked cute!!!

navysteve

This is just my opinion, but if your sponsor makes you write about step one, then you need a new sponsor.

Do you know that you are powerless over alcohol?
Do you realize that when you pick up a drink you lose control? Even if it isn't everytime you drink? If you cannot guarantee that everytime you drink you can stop then you are powerless. If you ain't powerless, then you don't need steps.


Nothing to add to what Jim said there.

FightingIrish

Personally, I hate to think of sponsorship as some sort of popularity contest - or even a dating type of situation.

When I was in treatment, they made us get a sponsor in order to be able to leave the grounds to go to meetings in town and stuff. I called the one friend from home who was in A.A. and he became my sponsor. We talked just about every day because I needed someone to bounce all my crazy thoughts and questions off of.

After leaving treatment, I moved to another town (for work), so I ended up finding another sponsor. Actually, he found me...he came up to me after a meeting one night after I shared about needing to get down to the Steps and said, "if you'd like some help going through the Book..."

As a result, that's what we did. We got together once or twice a week or so and did the stuff in the book. Took about six weeks. We don't talk every day. I have fortunately not needed to make a big drama out of finding/having a sponsor.

I have a friend who has changed sponsors about six times in the year or so I've known him...one recently lasted a day and a half. While this is of course none of my business, I can't help but feel the retail mentality as regards sponsorship is not helping him. Of course, as I say, I have been lucky and have not had any overwhelming issues with my sponsor.

SeaHorse

"This is just my opinion, but if your sponsor makes you write about step one, then you need a new sponsor." +
+navysteve...i absolutely agree, according to the big book, there is no writing until step four..also she wants me to do '90 in 90'...basically there are severe philosophical differences as I am a follower of 'oldtime AA'. AA as it was intended by it's founders. Not all this newfangled crapola out of rehab and who knows where.

And my friend Ben, 8 years sober in the program, recovered alkie, he did the steps as laid out in the big book, said the exact same thing as you earlier today.

So I am not frivolously changing sponsors on whim...I learned my lesson, to ask some pertinent questions before asking someone to be a sponsor..!

Tazman53

Seahorse, I hid for many years from the world, I hid with my bottle. I would suggest just calling her and simply telling her that you are seeking out another sponsor. If she gets POed, hurt or fires you, then that is really her problem.

Hiding from her is giving her power over you, once you tell her there is no reason to hide, you are free of that problem.

I too found what you are looking for, a sponsor who has taken the steps by the book and who took me through the steps by the book, which is what I do with my sponsees. Recovery I have found is freedom, freedom of the bondage of alcohol, of self, & even of fear of others.

SeaHorse

Tazman and everyone,

Thank you so much for your guidance and support. It was you guys that gave me the courage last night. The phone rang at 12:20 am. It was my former sponsor. She knows I stay up late, and she couldn't sleep herself. I, honestly and gently told her in the nicest way possible, why I needed to change sponsors, and also I expressed my desire to stay friends. She was not mad at all. We had a nice conversation for almost an hour. It is such a relief to 'Face Everything And Recover' rather than 'F--- Everything and Run'.

Now I need to find a big book sponsor as soon as possible. I am going to hit a big book step study meeting this week and listen to women at meetings. If I hear someone I think might be the 'one', I'll ask for her phone number first and ask what I need to find out, and what she expects from me, and so on....it's almost like a marriage...''not to be entered into foolishly or lightly''!

Tazman53

Best place I know of to find a sponsor who uses the BB!!!! LOL

Glad to hear you and the ex had a good parting of the ways.

nelco

this is a little too black and white to me. But steve did say it was only his opinion,and thats fine. I would like to share my experience, I think some sponsors go to great lengths to help a newcomer and sharing their own experience is part of this. Some sponsors experience is doing some writing on the first step. although its not necessary and I totally follow the BB and agree we do not need to start writing until the fourth ..........but I also found writing about my powerlessness and unmanageability very useful. When I write it helps me and at the start of my journey especially when my brain was mush ,it really helped...and after several years in A.A, I still like to get my feelings down. One member I am helping at the moment was fine to just read the 12 by 12 and BB and had no interest in writing until the fourth ,when its suggested as part of the step work,... but another member was struggling with accepting verses admitting and found writing and answering a few questions to herself on paper really useful like " How has your life become unmanageable" or "what does powerless mean to you" etc. She was very unsure of herself and wanted to discuss with me and get identification etc..... If it works.. use it, and if it does not work don't use it. No one can make you do anything, especially a sponsor. sponsors are just members with a little experience on how they stay sober.
I am glad you also clarified what you meant using the word "fire" I think its a dreadful word to use about someone who gives freely of themselves to help another. I think anyone who offers to help us and give of their time are good people and deserve respect for this, regardless how we read or judge them. There are nicer ways to grow away from people ,so to get back to the OP...........Its clear you do not want what she has, and that's your prerogative. Part of your recovery today will be about getting honest. It talks about just that on page 58 of the BB. We must grasp and develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty...........through practicing honesty with myself, it's pretty difficult for me not to be honest with others. You can practice your program here...action is what its about, doing things differently than before. ..if you ran from these kind of situations before then you can use this experience to learn, & grow in your own recovery, do it differently this time., my old ways didn't work with or without alcohol, I had to change... I think rather than looking towards all her defects it may be better to explain to her you are looking for someone with whom you have more identification. We try to avoid hurting people at all costs....I see you have already done this..well done!!!
I hope this helps you and good luck on your journey.

tkobangs

There are a lot of opinions flying around here about what a good sponsor should and should not do. The bottom line is this: if you're not comfortable or happy with your sponsor, find another one. Your main question was "how do I fire my sponsor?" You went on a while about why, but in reality, you don't need to justify your reasons to anyone. So I think there are several ways you can "break up" but I think the best is to be direct, don't go into a long explanation about what they did wrong or whatever, and thank them for the work they've done for you. Something like this:

You: Hi so and so. How are you today?
Sponsor: Fine. How are you?
You: I'm good. I went to a great meeting today so that's nice. Listen, there's something I need to talk to you about.
Sponsor: Ok fine, what's up?
You: Well, I am grateful for all the help you've given me in this program and I'd like to say thank you for that.
Sponsor: Well, okay...
You: However, I've met someone that I think might be a better fit for me as a sponsor.
Sponsor: Look, you're just trying to get out of some real honesty. You're just running away. You know you always do this.
You: You may be right. However, this is what I feel is best for me at this time.
Sponsor: Well who is this new sponsor? Are you sure they have enough sobriety, that they're qualified?
You: Since this is about anonymity, I dont feel comfortable discussing that part. However, again I just want to thank you very much for all your help thus far and wish you the very best. Goodbye and take care.

What do you guys think?
This has been good for me, too, because I need to change sponsors also.
Kerry

tkobangs

I agree completely with this stuff. My sponsor had me write out my first step and it was actually a GREAT thing for me. However, I am a writer so it worked for me. To talk out step one through three is fine, but whatever the case... that doesn't mean a sponsor is "bad." However, for whatever reason you feel you need to change sponsors, you dont have to explain to anyone. But getting honest is what this is about. You can do this!!

tomvlll

NA uses a step guidebook where members have to write on EVERY step. It's really quite through. Maybe he/she got the idea from there.

johndelko408

I got a new sponsor then let my old sponsor know that I had a new one. Told him it was nothing personal, but that it seemed that perhaps he already had to many sponsees on his plate.

DayTrader

nevermind........didn't notice that this thread was so old.

CarolD

tkobangs..Welcome to our recovery community.....

Wishing you all the best as you move forward

soberjulie

Here's what was suggested to me:
That I do it in person...that I be kind, but honest. That I make sure I thanks them for the time they gave of themselves for my benefit.

Ohmygosh...it was hard!

In hindsight though, Im very glad it was suggested. My 'old way' of doing things is avoidance....if its uncomfortable, I dont/wont do it, or I find an easier softer way.
The honesty part is a valuable learning tool for both sponsor and sponsee. I sponsor people now, and if someone wanted to move on...I need to know if I have screwed up somewhere so I dont continue to do it with others. I cant grow if people are not willing to point out what they see in me, in a loving and kind way.
Thanking them helped me get past any lingering resentment I had and recognize that this person did give their time and service to me, when in all likelihood they would have been rather sipping latte's on their front porch with a good book. It was important for me to rec ognize my selfish nature and 'forget' that others have helped me in my journey.

soberjulie

Ha! Me either...until now.:rotfxko

CarolD

There may be info in here on how to change sponsors
I don't remember but.....

Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets