Judgment? Taking Another's Inventory

[laurie6781]

This was The Elder's Meditation this morning, one of my 'daily morning meditations' that I do:

Elder's Meditation of the Day February 19

The Old Man said, `you are both ugly and
handsome and you must accept your ugli-
ness as well as your handsomeness in order
to really accept yourself."
--Larry P. Aitken, CHIPPEWA

My Grandfather told me one time that any person who is judg-
mental to another is also judgmental to themselves. If we want
to be free of being judgmental, we need to first work on how
judgmental we are to ourselves.

If we quit judging ourselves and start accepting ourselves as
we are, we will start accepting others as they are. Then we will
experience a level of new freedom.

Great Spirit, let me accept myself as I am --honoring both my
strengths and my weaknesses.

You know it took me quite a while into Recovery (at least 2 years) to finally understand, that when I was being judgmental and/or taking another's inventory, IN REALITY I was being very judgmental and hard on myself. If I could point the figure elsewhere, I didn't need to look at me.

In reality, I had NOT ACCEPTED me yet, with ALL my faults. I had not accepted that I could SLOWLY change those faults. I had to learn to stop BEATING UP on me. I had to learn to stop the "Should, Could, and Would" and just do my very best each day. Not judging me, but working on my defaults.

I still work on my defaults. I am still growing and changing and will until the day I leave this realm.

How about you? Are you learning to accept you?

Love and hugs,

[sugErspun]

Thanks Laurie -

You know, it's a feeling that takes some getting used to - to accept myself. I do, truly...but having pointed the finger for so long, and looking outside to feel good inside (or justify feeling bad), it is like I find myself preparing for a storm when there isn't one on the horizon. At least that is what comes to mind.

~a

[nelco]

working on those defects all the time. I thought I would have them licked in no time, lol. I find as I move on in my recovery ...I have more to work on because those things i could justify before ...just dont sit well with me anymore. Glad to be always learning and thank God I dont know everything. still teachable!!

[gravity]

Two things come to mind.

I’m currently re-reading “The Road Less Travelled” and the author writes about love being the basis for spiritual growth. Anything I do to help others grow spiritually is an act of love. Anything I do to help myself grow spiritually is also an act of love. We have to grow spiritually & love ourselves in order to effectively help others. We can’t pass on what we don’t have.

I also read “A New Earth” and the author writes about judging or criticizing others as just another way that the ego tries to feed its need to be different, to be superior. A sign of insecurity? Of self-loathing?


***

I am learning to accept myself for who I am. My strengths and weaknesses are gifts from the Creator. I am so grateful for my strengths but I still get a bit frustrated over my weaknesses. I am still learning to accept myself as I am and I'm getting there. When I first started out on this sobriety path, I hated myself. Today, more and more I am simply amazed by life. I'm happy! I can’t ask for anything more.

[shaun00]

Do i accept who i am...today..yes

The great thing is these days i have enough self honesty "to see" those defects and i have become willing to change..

Do i berate myself when these defects come to the surface...yes...often.

i look at myself with "wide" open eyes..and with gut level honesty.

I have to continue to remind myself of two things...

1..i am not a saint.

2..in his time.......not mine.

i also have to remember i am a human being.......not the holy father.

Meaning yes at times i am judgemental.

BUT is it wrapped up with hate and envy.........very rarely.

Progress rather than perfection......thats about balanced recovery right?

I believe i have a balanced recovery......one day at a time.

The promises continue to come true for me....with a bit of foot work...more twelve step adherance...and god.......im sure they will continue to come true.

trucker

[lizw]

I am not a new years resolution kind of person but this year I made one to be more accepting of myself. For me this means taking better care of my body, my soul and my emotional well being.

It's doing things like eating well, excersizing, going to bed early so I can get enough sleep and getting better connected to God.

When I focus on improving myself, I'm too busy to be judging others.

Al Anon is great for this stuff as well. My family were too busy fighting to teach any of us kids how to care for themselves and the other thing that makes me feel good is that finally I am setting a good example for my daughter. Right on time too since she is now a teenager.

Great topic.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Don't we all need to be called on our b.s. though? Long as it's in a constructive manner!!

I always say, if one person thinks, I'm being an @ss, it might just be a personality conflict. If, everyone at a meeting thinks, I'm being an @ss, majority rules

[Pagekeeper]

Sometimes when I'm judging others it simply means I'm being self-righteous.

[IO Storm]

Thanks Laurie..

I told my mom the other day..came in from outside and apologized for a little

grumpiness. She hadn't noticed. Ah, a mother's love! I said..I felt the old timey

actress.. "I vant to be alone."

You know..it is when I have allowed dirt and anxiety to build up inside for awhile,

that meanness just seems to "naturally" escape me..moreso judment thoughts and

snappish behavior.

It takes me by suprise.

I rejoined Alanon by advice from a good friend.

I found that..it is true..by judging..I was beating myself.

This loving program is healing in a way I can't pin down or describe..but I am grateful for.

[Music]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

Don't we all need to be called on our b.s. though?

Here's where the rubber meets the road. Too many people figure that calling someone on their "BS" is wrong, i.e., the same as judging the quality of the person. NOT THE SAME THING. Judging actions, is different that judging the person.

[jimhere]

We tell people not to be judgemental, but then we tell them to stick with the winners. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[Tazman53]

Jim you bring out a very good point as does Music, you know I do accept me for who I am, I am comfortable with myself, warts & all, but some of my warts I can choose to do something about by being honest with myself I can see where I need to change and I work on it.

Taking anothers inventory........ I sure do it all the time, when I was doing it when I was drinking it was a very negative thing, I was seeking ways to get what I wanted by taking advantage of anothers faults, or I may have been seeking justification for distrust & hate, possibly to place blame on, many times it was to hurt them or someone else.

Today when taking anothers inventory I do it to find the good in them, I see if there is something I can help them with, if there is something I do not like about them I work on accepting it.

I also determine if I want what they have, if I do I put weight into thier opinions, shares, and advice, if I do not want what they have, I help if I can, and accept them as they are.

I will be the first to admit I do take others inventories all the time, but that inventory for the most part stays with me, I do not gossip or talk badly of others, I only share what I see if I feel it will help that person.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

We got this guy that is in our local home groups. He'll want to tell those b.s war stories of setting houses on fires, even going as far as saying there might have been people in them.

I opened up the church last night and the guy I think is still his sponsor came early. I was going to make a comment to him about telling his sponcee to tone that type of talk down from a meeting. I held my tongue.

We can all look inside ourselves and know what areas that, can stand improvement.

All in all, if I can't make myself perfect, I shouldn't be concerned with other people.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Originally Posted by jimhere

We tell people not to be judgemental, but then we tell them to stick with the winners. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

That, surely must have been in reference to the people with long time sobriety wouldn't it?

[jimhere]

Could be Cap. I just find it humorous sometimes. I could go you into why I also found it confusing (along with some of our other slogans) in early sobriety, but I don't want to ruin the intent of Laurie's original post. My post was more tongue-in-cheek than anything else.

Back to the spirit of the original post. I spent years trying add to, fix, or improve on that which I was created to be. The result was that I caused tremondous harm to the people closest to me and nearly killed myself in the process. I could never be content with who and what I was, therefore I was never content with who and what you are. To me, this is playing God. I forgot that I was the creature and not the Creator, that I was the healee and not The Great Physician.

It has taken me years to be OK with who I am. Sometimes I am still not that OK with who I am. But most of the time I am allright with myself, warts and all. I don't have to pretend I am what I am not. I don't have to use other people or material things or money to feel OK with who I am. And when I am OK with myself the way I am, I am OK with you the way you are.

Thomas Merton is one of my spiritual heroes, a teacher if you will. He joined a monastery to get away from the world and from people. He sought solitude. What he found out is that if you seek God just be away from people, that if you seek solitude just get away from the world, you will be, in his words "Isolating yourself with a tribe of demons." He found that in order to enjoy true solitude of the heart, one must be OK with one's self and that true solitude is not a self-centered isolation from others, but a true "at-one-ness" with others.

This is something that I found in a little book I have by Thomas Merton:

It is not enough to turn away in disgust from my illusions and faults and mistakes, to
seperate myself from them as if they were not, and as if I were someone other than
myself. This kind of self-annihilation is only a worse illusion; it is a pretended humilty
which by saying "I am nothing," I mean in effect, "I wish I were not what I am." This
can flow from an experience of our deficiencies and of our helplessness, but it does not produce any peace in us. To really know our nothingness, we must also love it. And we can not love it unless we see that it is good. And we can not love it unless we accept it.
-Thomas Merton~Thoughts In Solitude

That why The Seventh Step Prayer says "My Creator, I now pray that you remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness..." Not just the ones that make me feel bad. Then it says something about taking all of me, good and bad to, in effect, make me into what I ought to be, not what I think I should be.

God uses me as I am, not the way I think I should be.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[sugErspun]

(I carry that book with me too Jim)

Wonderfully put.