Struggling emotionally, no tolerance of others' struggles?

[odaat]

Howdy all

I'm having a bad day.

Background: I had a major (major, with pyschotic and dellusional elements, and suicidal behaviour) bout of depression last year. Lots of strong medication, and I was managing to get through each day, but only just. Then, I got pregnant! I'm thrilled that I'm pregnant, and its really helped me.

I still have bad days though, and today is a very bad one. Its my Birthday, and I suppose part of me feels angry that I, again, cannot have a nice birthday.

My OH always gives up smoking for New Year. He is usually still not smoking on my Birthday. This means that he never goes for a meal with me, cannot do any Birthday things, and generally isn't that easy to live with.

Because he is stopping smoking, he struggles with me. If I'm alright, he is alright. Today I was a bit down when he woke me up, and kept saying how I'd ruined his day off by being miserable, and how if I kept this up, he'd either go to work, or start smoking.

I know I should be more tolerant, I mean, I know what its like to battle against an addiction, but I just feel so 'got at' and let down. I mean, I've been seriously ill, and I'm trying to get better, I'm heavily pregnant, its my Birthday, and I've got to try and be 'strong' for him.

I feel awful with guilt, I had a 'slip' with one of my secondary addictions today, so now I've got to cover that up and deal with the guilt and shame without letting him know what I've done. I've got to pretend I'm fine

(And to top it all off, my Pyschiatrist has decided that because I was well enough to get pregnant, I must be cured, and is trying to discharge me from her service, despite me having been given no treatment yet. I feel like I'm being set up for a major fall once I've had the baby)

[Tazman53]

What time is the first meeting you can get to? I am not saying the meeting alone is going to take care of all of this, it won't, but it will give you a chance to get this all out there and off of your chest which in and of itself will help.

I would also call my sponsor & or someone else just to talk.

Prayer........ I know I used to get so darn mad when my sponsor or someone else would always say "Have you prayed about it?", then I tried it, a simple prayer, asking for guidance in what to do to find relief, it actually helped, and still does. I have learned that things do not get as bad if I start praying for guidance when problems first arise now rather then waiting until I am climbing the walls.

Odaat I do pray that you find releif.

[SelfSeeking]

Oh my goodness... That sounds so overwhelming!!!! I've never spoken with you before but *hug*.
Living with someone who is quitting the cigs can be wretched. I'm going to share something I've heard Al-Anon people say which is, This addiction: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it... Oops I think there's another "C" in there that I'm leaving out. Oh well. Maybe the Serenity Prayer is what I'm looking for here. No matter how you act or what you say, your man will smoke, or he won't. It's not up to you, it's up to him. And I don't know what your secondary addiction is, but slipping happens... it doesn't make you a bad person.

[sugErspun]

Have you made ammends to your OH?

There's a certain shift in my view of people that happens before I am even capable of making ammends - forgiveness. One thing that I did/do if I am having trouble forgiving someone or making ammends (there are still a couple there - I am praying and 'willing to become willing' if that makes sense) - picture them as a child...for some, this really worked wonders and melted away the wall that was there. To view them as people who really have been hurt by this world - live in delusion also (without getting overly metaphysical, we all live in delusion) - anyhow, it has helped me to absolutely say "this person has been hurt too - I must clean my side of the street and set the books straight". Some people I thought I #1 - could never forgive and #2 - would NEVER make ammends to.

But I did - and no matter what they do, I just don't really get upset about some of their behaviours.

No one had to change for me to recover from alcoholism - only me...that is a wonderful promise of this whole deal.

I hope you are feeling better. Remember, this life is much bigger than our moment to moment feelings - and you only have NOW, not even a day.

[Tazman53]

the 3rd one is control!

[SelfSeeking]

Also I hope your psychiatrist listens to you and continues to be active in whatever treatment you guys are pursuing. I think you're on the right track thinking this is the worst time to get booted from psych care...

Please do come back and post soon

[lizw]

Cripes! I'm concerned by what you posted. Are you attending meetings? Have a sponsor? Other friends in recovery? Sounds like this really is a time you need to reach out. And if you don't have or do any of this stuff maybe this could be a good time to start?

[Tommyh]

other than what the others posted,maybe consider life one day at a time
just today,not the yesterdays or tomorrows,look at getting thru today