do unto others... / resentments...

[FightingIrish]

I am looking for some additional perspectives on a matter. I just uncovered a major resentment I have been holding on to for weeks without realizing it. It involves people asking things of me and my feeling that either a) they are not asking in the proper way, or b) they don't really need what they are asking for.

The main instance is a guy who comes to the same meetings I attend who is always in need of a ride. About 90% of what he says to me involves asking for a ride, or telling me that he's going to ask me for a ride. By my estimate, I am one of about 3 people on his list to ask for rides. I find him quite irritating to talk to in general, which is only made worse by the fact that I'm then on edge waiting for him to ask me for a ride after meetings.

I happen to know that he does not drive by choice...no DUIs or suspensions or anything like that. He just happens to not have a car in a part of the country where you would need a car. I know he gets on a lot of people's nerves because of this. He also shares in meetings about how he's short on cash, asks to borrow money, etc.

I have done inventory and discussed with my sponsor. He is of the "I am powerless over people, places, things, and this situation" variety. He says to continue inventorying it and to pray for this defect of mine to be released.

I am infuriated that something this mundane is stirring up so many character defects, but I am at a loss for a way to handle it that does not create further misery for myself. Maybe this is not something I can "handle", but what I do know is that I'm going to be asked for a ride and/or money again...

M

[laurie6781]

I don't think you are going to like my response, lol

Resentments. 99.9999999999% of MY resentments come from my UNFULFILLED EXPECTATIONS.

YEP.

What is he/she/it/they not doing, that I want he/she/it/they to do, when I want he/she/it/they to do 'it', to MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE.

Well, when I finally got that one through my thick skull, I finally figured out that NO was a complete sentence.

So, check your motives........................................why do you CONTINUE to give this person a ride? Why are you letting this person 'rent' space in your head? etc

It is very simple to just say, "sorry, I cannot give you a ride today" and walk away, instead of standing there waiting and waiting and waiting for the question. Nip it in the bud.

Took me a long time to figure out that it was alright to do that. Took me a long time to "say what I mean, mean what I say, and NOT say it meanly."

Now, you also have the recourse, to PRAY for the fellow for 14 days straight, and if you miss a day, the 14 days starts over. PRAY that he gets everything he may ever want.

That was a good one for me too. After 3 or 4 'start overs' it was just easier to write the resentment down on a small piece of paper, take that piece of paper and fold it up even smaller and put it in my GOD BOX with the other resentments. Then if I want to 'stew' on it some more, I had to go physically dig it out of the GOD BOX and there were just to many resentments in there, to have to open each one up and if it wasn't the correct one, fold it all back up.

Sort of taught me, how really stupid it was for me to hang onto resentments.

Hope that helps a bit.

Love and hugs,

[CarolD]

The exact directions to overcome resentments
are found in "Freedom From Bondage" in our BB

Mega

I'd also make a definate committment to him.
'I'll only take you home on Mondays"
and "No more cash"

Boundaries always make me feel good..

[Rob B]

Have you written four column inventory on this guy? It also drives me crazy when little stuff starts grinding on me, if I can't shake something within a day using prayer and meditation, I write inventory, it always sets me free and shows me the belief systems I would do well to discard. PM me if you want to discuss this.

[FightingIrish]

Thanks to all for your thoughts. It's always dangerous when somehow, deep down, I harbor the conviction that, this time, the resentment is "justified."

I have, in fact, told this person on several occasions "no", trying to be as honest and direct as I can. (I would initially make up excuses, but that came up right away as simply dishonest.)

But he does continue to ask, which pisses me off. I hate the fact that I need to escalate. I tend to think that people should "learn to take a hint." I resent the fact that my actions have little effect on this person's behavior, which I disapprove of. (Security.) I resent being put in a situation where I feel like the bad guy (Self seeking). And selfish? You bet...I feel that someone who provides me with so little in return gets one or two freebies.

Obviously there's work to be done, but I appreciate the feedback.

M

[CAPTAINZING2000]

I'm not a bank so, I'm not in the lending business.

There are what I call sponges in AA. I'm curious now, anyone ever ask him to help them as a way of repaying for the rides?

I don't mind picking people up once in a while but, I have bills to pay as well.

On the flip side, be glad, of the things you have like a car, gas for your car etc.

I tell a lot of people at the meetings, there are a lot of you, I wouldn't have drank with. By the same token, you might not have wanted to drink with me.

[Sugah]

You're not going to like what I have to say either.

Does the guy have a sponsor? If not, maybe it would do him some good to go out for coffee with you and your sponsor, talk some Big Book, talk some steps, talk about the necessity of finding a guide for the journey. It may be that he's still getting in his own way, and it also may be that the guy does have money problems, can't afford a car, and needs to get to meetings.

It may be that he hasn't heard first hand about how others have gained the humility to ask someone else for help--not just a free cup of coffee at a meeting (and if you take him out, expect to spring for it) or a place to dump problems on the table. He might not know about the solution yet. Just because he's sitting in a meeting doesn't mean he's able to hear what's being said.

Taking the steps doesn't lead to financial success, but it does lead to a sense of responsibility to pay our own way--if not with money, then with service to our fellows.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[FightingIrish]

He does have a sponsor.

[Tazman53]

You bet...I feel that someone who provides me with so little in return gets one or two freebies.

Irish I bolded something that kind of stood out to me.... why are you expecting something in return???? This may be the root cause of the resentment. If I was your sponsor I would suggest inventorying it, praying on it, prayiing for him........ and committing to give him a ride one night a week. If there are others like you say he ask for rides perhaps you could get them to commit to one night a week as well.

From what I see this man is willing to ask for help, that is a big step, I stayed drunk a lot of years because I was unable to ask for help, if he is asking for help this may be an opportunity to really give it. That ride is a perfect time to talk program and share your ES&H with him.

In regards to loaning him money......... well in his case I would simply be honest and tell him to please not ask you to loan him money any more, that you do not have it to spare. I got burnt by a guy in the fellowship that was doing some work for me once, he asked me for an advance which I gave him because up until that point he had been very reliable....... well I did not hear from him or see him for months.... he went on a bender!!!

[FightingIrish]

Irish I bolded something that kind of stood out to me.... why are you expecting something in return???? This may be the root cause of the resentment.

True. My sponsor and I discussed this. I said that whenever I help people, 99% of the time I am getting something in return, even if it's just the satisfaction of helping someone

In the case of this man, there is something unsettling about it. It exacts a cost without providing anything in return. (Perhaps this is the definition of *helping*, but it simply makes me angry whenever he asks me...)

If I was your sponsor I would suggest inventorying it, praying on it, prayiing for him........ and committing to give him a ride one night a week. If there are others like you say he ask for rides perhaps you could get them to commit to one night a week as well.

I started doing the first part. As to the second, I am not signing up for any additional service commitments at this time. I have a clear conscience about this.

And yeah, I lent him money once...he paid it back three weeks later. But I told him I don't do that anymore. After that he started sharing in meetings that he's short on cash.

[FightingIrish]

I do appreciate all responses. I don't mean to come off as argumentative.

Where he and I stand now is:

1. No money lending - I have made this clear
2. I told him I will give him a ride if I am able to do so.

Obviously I need to get comfortable with the word "no." I felt like I needed a good reason to say "no."

The complicating factor is that he lives very close to me. Often when he asks for a ride home after a meeting, I haven't decided yet whether I am going out for a meal with friends, whether I'm going directly home or somewhere else. And I do not wish to be cornered into a decision just because he asked me for a ride (which he does within 5 seconds of the end of the final prayer).

Oy, Another Friggin Growth Opportunity...

M

[Music]

I've read through all the responses. There are so many good ones it would take me all day to quote them all so I'll just say this.

I was told a long time ago that God speaks to me from behind a styrofoam cup. Irish, your first post was all about you. Maybe this is God's plan for you to give this guy a ride, (when you can) and you're blowing it. I don't have a problem saying "no" if I just can't give someone a ride but I always have to ask myself, "do I really have a good reason to turn this person down?" The same is true when I'm asked to speak at a meeting, lend money, etc. I do have one limit when it comes to money. I don't lend what I can't spare, or do without, that way if I don't get the money back it's ok. The same practice pertains to my kids too. I don't give what I can't do without. My sobriety is about me but the way I get sober and stay sober is about God and his will in my life. Tell this person you will give him a ride "if you can" but that you don't lend money if that's what you want to do. What's the resentment about? The way "he" is or that you see in him, something you don't like about yourself? I'd be the last person to suggest that you have to be a doormat for this guy or anyone else, but to get a resentment over something so simple. Remember, he's sick too and that love and tolerance is our code. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" means just what it says. You may need a ride some day.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Giving out money on a continuous basis is enabling.

What's the saying give a man a fish, you feed him for the day, teach him to fish, you feed him for a life time !!

[FightingIrish]

I was told a long time ago that God speaks to me from behind a styrofoam cup. Irish, your first post was all about you. Maybe this is God's plan for you to give this guy a ride, (when you can) and you're blowing it.

Possibly. My goal here is to be free of the resentment. What I am gathering from my offline discussions and here is that I need to become comfortable setting boundaries, which is not something I am always willing to do. In fact, I resent being put in a position where I have to do so...people should learn to "read my mind"...(what's the matter with them anyhow??) I need to remind myself that it's not other people's job to make me comfortable.

M

[CAPTAINZING2000]

We're not going to like everyone in AA but, we're to love them for the sick and suffering people they are.


I've got a close friend now in AA that, I used to see walking around with his then wife. For some reason without even knowing him, I didn't like him for some reason.
After getting to know him in AA, he's turned out to be a great guy.
I've took him to as many meetings as I could or, that he'd ask for a ride.

You take some people under your wing hoping, that the good in you rubs off on them. Maybe, it's cause I like him, I want him to stay sober.

[Kallista]

When I'm having a problem with my husband, and it's creating a resentment, and I can't get over it, I try to be upfront about where I am with my problem. I end up sounding totally bitchy, but at least I'm owning my bitchiness.

For example, in this case, if I were dealing with my husband, I would say "You know, I really resent it when you ask me for a ride because I haven't decided whether I'm going straight home after the meeting. That's my problem, but I'm having a hard time getting over it. Please don't ask me for a ride again, because I need to work this out on my own."

[FightingIrish]

My sponsor and I had a good laugh about this...like, what if I just went around saying, "no, I'm working on my boundary issues...", to anyone who asked me to do anything.

Originally Posted by Kallista

When I'm having a problem with my husband, and it's creating a resentment, and I can't get over it, I try to be upfront about where I am with my problem. I end up sounding totally bitchy, but at least I'm owning my bitchiness.

For example, in this case, if I were dealing with my husband, I would say "You know, I really resent it when you ask me for a ride because I haven't decided whether I'm going straight home after the meeting. That's my problem, but I'm having a hard time getting over it. Please don't ask me for a ride again, because I need to work this out on my own."

[RufusACanal]

Originally Posted by FightingIrish

I am infuriated that something this mundane is stirring up so many character defects, but I am at a loss for a way to handle it that does not create further misery for myself. M

Irish,

Some are sicker, more needy, more desperate, more hungry, more angry, more lonely, maybe more human than I am. I get pissed off when I read of a member here plying that some old emotional bullshit of poor pitiful me, I can't stay sober because of__________. When this feeling pops up, I pray and try to see the lesson. I am very good at pointing out others defects. So today, I work on looking past the preceived defect to the human being; how can I be of maximum service. I fail most times, but I will continue to work at being more flexible, more willing and less about my wants, views and opinions, maybe.

[lizw]

Geat topic. And that's pretty funny about saying no to someone (about giving them a ride) because I have boundary issues. Lol. If we all said no because of our issues AA would be a pretty lonely empty place.

There are 2 things that spring to mind for me.

1. The third step prayer and how it talks about asking God to releave us of the burden of self. Burden of self (for me) means all that resentment type stuff and the bad/unhelpful attitude I can get towards others.

2. Al Anon have a wonderful word: detachment. If you don't want to give him a ride, don't give him one but you are not God, so have no right to judge wether he needs one or not. The term martyr springs to mind and the chap won't die if you don't give him a ride, he can ask someone else. You are not your entire AA group and even if he does live down the road, so what? If he was a total newcomer it would be a different story but I am assuming he's not.

If you say no I can't give you a ride (and it is none of his business why you can't) then let it go - a day at a time or a situation at a time - you'll probably find that you won't mind giving him a ride sometimes.

Why it happens that way I don't know but that has been my expereince. It may be something to do with the fact that when I feel put on the spot and/or backed into a corner I'll come out swinging.

I suspect it works this way though because I accept my own human limitations, instead of trying to be Miss super human recovery person.

[FightingIrish]

It may be something to do with the fact that when I feel put on the spot and/or backed into a corner I'll come out swinging.

Boy do I identify with that! No one puts Baby in the corner.

Knowing that I don't have to be the busiest man in recovery sure is a relief.

[bob_sapp]

I think many people have experienced this. I too have known people who aggressively ask for rides, or rely on people as taxis, in addition to
-people who ask you if you want to "hang out" which means helping them work on their house (that they are building for profit)
-people who want you to help them move when you barely know them
-people who only call you when they want you to chair a meeting which THEY are responsible for
-and said people are rarely if ever there for you when you need a coffee and to vent

Despite this I still know people in AA who have selflessly given me friendship and kindness and bought me coffees, never asking me for anything except to call them at least once a week just so they know I am doing ok. So I will gladly take the good with the bad.

[Kallista]

Originally Posted by FightingIrish

My sponsor and I had a good laugh about this...like, what if I just went around saying, "no, I'm working on my boundary issues...", to anyone who asked me to do anything.

You begin to see.

Glad to provide a giggle.

[Music]

I was just reminded of an experiment my first sponsor had me do when I first came to AA. His theory was that we all have a tendency toward being people pleasers. So, for two weeks, he had me say "no" anytime anyone asked me to do something. That was the easy part. I couldn't give any explanation as to why I said "no". In other words, I couldn't give an excuse. I learned two things. I found out I could say no, and I also found out that people expected me to say "yes", got upset because in fact, they weren't asking me to do something, they were telling me in a manner of speaking. I found out who was asking, and who was expecting. Friends who really care, will not question the "no" answer. You might try this experiment. It's interesting.

[FightingIrish]

That's worse than a ghost story to me.

[Tazman53]

say "no" anytime anyone asked me to do something.

I can see an important lesson being learned from this, but did you have the guts to say no to your wife with no explanation? If I had said no to my wife to often with no explanation I would now be in that Big meeting in the sky!!!! LOL