more realities to face

[tkdan]

Last night my wife and I did some serious talking about my alcoholic behaviour of the past. It was a little upsetting to me as we talked but not too bad. This morning I started to journal about our talk and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been such a horrible husband and father. I do not know how she stayed by my side. I do not know why she is still there willing to make it work after all I put her through. She is trully a blessing. I will have to lean heavy on my step work to get all of this guilt and shame taken off my shoulders. Thanks for listening.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Tk,

Good plan. The steps will work. You sound determined. Good for you!

Karen

[Tazman53]

Dan, it really hurts inside when we first see the true pain we have brought to those we love, yet it also lets us realize just how much they love us to stay with us as long as they do.

Dan who you were yesterday is gone, continue to live the amends to your wife, trust me, your present day to day actions are far better amends to your wife then any apology will ever be.

I too put my wife through a living hell along with my kids, my kids moved beyond my past far quicker then my wife did, but I have continued to live my amends to her on a daily basis and as a result she too has moved beyond my past misdeeds.

Dan no purpose is served by beating ones self up for the past, learn from it, make amends for it, and move forward, the past will kill us if we let it. Give your wife time, remember, she did not get those feelings over night, it took time. It will take time for her to move forward as well, but if you do your part then you and her stand a chance of moving forward together.

One day at a time, one step at a time, we go forward.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by tkdan

I had been such a horrible husband and father. I do not know how she stayed by my side. I do not know why she is still there willing to make it work after all I put her through. She is trully a blessing.

That in itself is one of the many miracles of recovery. Some of us, myself included, aren't so fortunate to have the support of our spouses. I burned through two marriages before I found the path to recovery. It helps me at times to read the chapter "To Wives" in the Big Book as a reminder of how many marriages the program of AA has saved.

An incredible gift as the result of my program has been my recent engagement to a beautiful woman who works her own programs of recovery. Instead of the dysfunctional relationships and marriages that were the normal cycle for me, we both strive to have a healthy and loving relationship. For that, I'm truly grateful.

[Tommyh]

Dan,I bet she sees something in you,that you can not see in yourself.If you two keep on going like you are,your marriage will one day be really great,no doubt.

I put my wife thru hell for 9 years before I got sober.Why my wife did not kill or divorce me is beyond my understanding.
I do know that as time progresses,so does my amends because my love for her grows.What a miracle recovery has done in our family.

[nandm]

I can honestly say the person I was while active in my disease and the person I am today are two very different people.

I can not change the things I did while drinking but I can accept that I was not myself, I was the disease. I see it as someone with dementia they are not the same person as they were before the disease took control of them. In fact I feel alcoholism is a form of dementia. Our brains are just not firing on all cylinders.

You are very fortunate to have someone who has stuck with you through the thick and the thin. She stuck to the vows she made when she married you. That in and of itself says a lot about the quality of woman she is. Trust her judgement of you as she has seen the person you can be and has faith that you will be that person. She loves the person even if she can't stand the disease.

Remember the Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to change the things I can (yourself and your actions)
The courage to accept the things I can not change (your past)
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You have some special people in your life between your wife and your son. Celebrate the gifts that you have been blessed with, love and enjoy them and most of all live for the person you are today and can be tomorrow.

[gravity]

it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been such a horrible husband and father.

Dan, this is the exact same thing that happened to me. A huge part of the fantasy I was living came crashing down. I used to think that because I was a good provider and a good guy when I was sober, it was okay to disappear for three day benders. Complete rationalization.

It was the same as when I finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic. I just could not rationalize that I wasn’t.

I have come to accept that while I did treat my family poorly, it wasn’t all horrible. In fact, there was more good than bad. This is reality.

It may not seem like it right now, but this clarity is a gift. I had to acknowledge and accept the past in order to move on.

I will have to lean heavy on my step work to get all of this guilt and shame taken off my shoulders.

The realization of exactly what kind of life I was living and the hurt I caused others is huge motivation for me. I am working hard on my recovery program and I am trying to be a good husband and father. I have to do this. It is my responsibility.

I have struggled with the guilt and shame. But you know, I am learning to accept myself as an imperfect human being that has made mistakes. I can't change the past.

I did my step 9 with my wife. The amend she asked for? Keep doing what I am doing. Really, there is nothing more I can do.

[bob_sapp]

Don't beat yourself up too bad... it was the booze that made you like that--- that's not who you really are.

[tkdan]

Thanks all! We are moving forward and God is restoring and healing our marriage. She has told me that she can see a change in me. It feels good to know that the past does not have to destroy the present. I believe with all of my heart the AA is the way I will continue to change for the better. I'm happy to be sober today. I'm glad that I have went through some of my toughest trials without picking up.

[Tazman53]

Dan that is awesome and proof that the program does work if one works it! Happy Holidays my friend!

[tkdan]

Thanks Taz. Have a safe and joyous one yourself.