Working with Family Members

[AW2486]

After a recent surgery I had, I got a call from my 1st cousin. He said he is an alcoholic and needed help. He knew nothing of AA or how to stay sober. He came to visit me in my hospital room. I told him I could only show him what I know and would need a 2-3 month commitment to do the program outlined in the Big Book. He was gung-ho about it. After I got home, our first few meetings went great. We read out of the book and talked about its meaning. We attended AA and he said it helped. Then he disappeared for a few days. Not answering or returning phone calls. That bummed me out. I had a nice private conversation here about it with somebody that really helped. I was ready to let go as it was affecting my peace of mind. Then he called and we got back to work. For a few weeks we talked alot and worked more on the Book. He is now at the point of writing inventory, and again has disappeared. Didn't show up at a meeting that he said he would. I called to make sure he was alright, just like before he won't answer or return his messages. Again it is affecting my peace of mind. So yesterday I left a message telling him I'm backing off and if he still wants to work on the program to call.

All I want for him is to find the spiritual answer. I know what is on the other side after working the steps. I don't think I was going to fast, maybe I was? He probably is just not ready for this. All I know, this has bummed me out.

I am probably learning a lesson here. Perhaps it is best to not work directly with family members. Perhaps a better way is to direct them to a strong AA member.

Andy

[Clutch B]

I'm sorry, AW. I also worked with a family member. But in my case he didn't want to go to meetings with me.

So I gave him a meeting schedule, a Big Book, a Twelve & Twelve book, a notepad, and a pen. I told him what a sponsor was and recommended that he ask someone to be his sponsor. I recommended that he get phone numbers from the men at the groups he went to. He got a nice start on his own, got a sponsor and started working the steps. But came to the conclusion that AA was not for him right now.

Although his stint in AA didn't work out, I'm glad that he has seen the program. And if he ever decides that he needs help, he knows where to go and how to get it.

I wish that I could have done more, but he did not want me involved.

This was actually a topic a few weeks ago at my homegroup. Someone recalled the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." And really, we can't make anyone work the program or get sober. But we can guide them to the program when they come to us for help. It's their choice whether to work the program.

I hope that your cousin will decide to get help if he needs it. I think you did the best you could do, and it's not your fault if he has decided to step away. So please don't feel bad about that. This is one of those things we can't control.

[dgillz]

My uncle was 27 years sober in AA when I first sought help. I asked him to sponsor me and he said no. I was shocked. He asked me to read the 4th, 5th and 9th steps, then asked me if I went through with the program, would I have an amends to make to his brother (my dad).

I had to admit I would. His response was "I don't want to hear how you hurt my brother. That would hurt me too".

So I got another sponsor. I think my uncle was very wise.

[Ago]

I take them to one meeting, introduce them around, and then walk away,....

or...I try to sponsor them, take them to meetings, help them with their program, and end up in alanon

I've done both

[lizw]

I have a brother who came along to a few meetings when I got sober. He went to the same treatment center as me.

IMO I have to agree with Ago.
Take them to a meeting, introduce them to someone who can help them personally and leave it at that, with no expectations they will follow through on anything. They are just another alkie trying to get well.
Get's too messy otherwise.

[laurie6781]

When I found recovery in '81, one of the things I heard a lot, not only from my sponsor but from many who had been sober for some time was:

Was no 12 stepping of anyone I was emotionally involved with. Hmmmm I wasn't sure I understood it at that point, but that meant I sure couldn't 12 Step my dad.

That was some of the best advice I ever followed. As I watched others try and 12 step family and dear dear friends. Never seemed to work, not only for the one wanting help, but the one giving help. Seemed to me then and now, was If someone I was 'emotionally' involved with asked for help...................take them to their first meeting and introduce them to some of the 'old timers' and walk away.

Introduce your cousin to some of the 'old timers', then Let Go and Let God.

J M H O

Love and hugs,