Overcoming defects of character

[bob_sapp]

I recently celebrated 3 yrs sober, and it felt good, but I am still unhappy that I suffer from certain character defects. I easily get a negative outlook on life and just wish for the instant feeling of good I got from booze/drugs. I have had a lot of extremes in life, more than other people in recovery I know. I did a lot of narcotics, got a lot of money without working for it early in life, and sex was the same. I don't like journeys, I just like destinations. I have difficulty in life not seeing it in these terms (black and white, all or nothing, sex/booze/money/status), and I often live my life just wanting to escape or find a means to escape. This makes me more selfish than I would like. I notice most people in general are very selfish.... most people in aa are still selfish to some degree, and the people who I see as less selfish are only selfless IF they think it will benefit them. I am like that, but more extreme. I feel like it will take a lifetime to undue the damage I did to myself (if it is possible). Getting sober and getting a job is easy, overcoming this stuff feels almost impossible. All I can manage to do is pray about it, do my readings, and try not to commit the selfish acts that have ruined me and my attitude/approach to life (or at least ones that are obvious to me). I am only now starting to accept myself a little more for who I am, so I am only beginning to accept others a little more too and want to be a part of their lives.

[Eleison]

Self acceptance might mean shifting aside the concept of yourself as having defects in your character.
You're human, just like anyone else, and have vulnerabilities that need work. That doesn't make you defective.

[navysteve]

Damn Bob,
You sound alot like me as a younger guy in AA. Emotional sobriety may take time. I haven't had a whole lotta instant relief from me with the steps. But consistency has paid off. I have to remember to not judge others in the rooms so harshly:

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way
these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too.
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance,
pity, and patience that we would cheerfully
grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said
to ourselves, ”This is a sick man. How can I be helpful
to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be
done.“ We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t
treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our
chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all
people, but at least God will show us how to take a
kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

pg 67.

Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A
kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to
act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be.

These two passages tell me how I need to be ( or at least strive for). I am sure you will find your way. Like you , I hate the journey. To get to a comfortable place in my own skin in sobriety I had to:

quit going to meetings and not use a sponsor for 7 years
Start hanging out in bars ( not drinking)
Get arrested for assault


Those three things helped me to reach an emotional bottom. A place where I was finally able to let go. Hope you find a less painful route because mine sucked

Today I look at my defects as instincts which simply are exceeding their intended purpose.

[Tommyh]

I have found I do not have to be defect free to be of service,sober,and reasonably happy.

[lizw]

I have found that sometimes my defects are actually good things about me that are just taken to the extreme.

For example, helping others would be an asset but I have a tendency to not help unconditonally and expect a reward.

The other thing I have learnt is that sometimes what I consider a 'defect' is actually something else dressed up.

For example, I'll get jealous when someone I know gets a great new job but really what I have is insecurity or fear (lack of faith) regarding my own life.
IMO the expression used in AA about being honest with oneself is refering to this.

And the only time I think I will be defect free is when I am dead. Lol.

The other thing I'll say is that there is a difference between a 'defect' and an ongoing pattern of behavior. Ongoing patterns of behavior IMO need further investigation.

My ESH with this is that up until 2 years ago I viewed my crazy sex and love life as a 'defect of character' when really it was an illness all on it's own, that needed 'further investigation' and other treatment.

IMO if a person has a reasonable length of soberity (maybe 5 years) and is still struggling with a certain area in their lives, outside help maybe requried.

[sugErspun]

The best way this very topic was presented to me, and made sense:

My defects are what get me back to God.

I find myself, or someone calls me out on: selfishness, dishonesty etc...and it becomes apparent that I can't run the show. It forces me to use those spiritual tools.

That doesn't mean I am not willing to be rid of my shortcomings or defects as much as it means that "I" cannot fix me. They will be removed as God sees fit, NOT as I want them to be.

[tommyk]

Perhaps try to see the world as it is, not as we want it to be or as we would like it to be?

[Music]

The sixth and seventh step are about becoming willing to have defects removed, and then asking God to remove them. To think I can remove them is faulty. My responsibility is to get out of God's way so He can remove my shortcomings.

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by bob_sapp

All I can manage to do is pray about it, do my readings, and try not to commit the selfish acts that have ruined me and my attitude/approach to life

That's what I try to do too Bob..

By doing the exact opposite of the defect.

If its dishonesty .. be honest
If its inconsiderate .. be considerate
If its Impatience .. be patient

A good way to humble oneself... By doing the next right thing.

Someone told me ... if I keep stumbling that way, everything will be OK

The more we practice with Gods help, the better chance they get removed.

[navysteve]

All I can manage to do is pray about it, do my readings, and try not to commit the selfish acts that have ruined me and my attitude/approach to life

That is my belief too Bob. I cannot pray and sit hoping God will do for me what I need to take part in doing. He can and will move mountains but I need to bring a shovel

[gravity]

Adding my own comments (the other comments are great):

Step 4 - I really had to dig deep to get to the root of my fear and resentments. I finally knew where the "black cloud" was coming from.

Step 5 - Talking to the right person helped me realize that I was blowing many things way out of proportion. For the most part, I am a normal guy with normal fears, resentments, and character defects.

Steps 6 & 7 - My character defects are now at a level where they don't significantly effect my quality of life or bring me back to the thought of drinking. (the feeling I had after my step 7 was amazing).

I am starting to view my character defects as nothing more than a small part of my overall character - they do not define who I am.

My own experience - go through each day purposely living in accordance with spiritual principles (some things I try to do: see everything that I have to be grateful for, be kind to everyone, go that extra mile for other people). It soon becomes a natural way of life. When I do this, I am at peace - no guilt, no anxiety.

[navysteve]

I am starting to view my character defects as nothing more than a small part of my overall character - they do not define who I am.

I like what the 12 and 12 refers to them as ( instincts which far exceeded their purpose)

[Tazman53]

Bob you have gotten some great replies, I feel the same as you when things are not going great sometimes, I do as you do, pray, meditate, and do a self examination along with some reading...... I find comfort in knowing that in the BB it says that we strive for spititual progress & not perfection, none of us will ever achieve that.

In talking with others I have found that if I am able to see my own defects and to work on them to the best of my abilities, I am doing okay. Where I mess up on my defects is on the ones I do not see, that I am still unaware of. I have these pointed out to me by my wife and my sponsor.

There was a day and a time when I was either hurt or got mad to have something that was wrong with me brought to my attention, I still get a bit hurt that I have to have others tell me things about me that I can not see myself, but in a good way, not a bad way. Today I realize that those that care about me tell me when I am whacked to where I can do something about it.

Bob I have a long way to go, but I am making progress and you are as well. SImply posting this shows that you are progressing and you care.