the destruction of this disease

[tkdan]

I had to sit in a marriage counsulor's office while my wife explained what all the years of living with an alcoholic has done to her. I had no idea how bad it was. I broke down listening to her describe the ordeal. I never knew the damage I was doing. A very horrible life she endured. I feel terrible and there is nothing I can do about what has happened.

[TTOSBT]

I can relate to your pain. No, there is nothing you can do about the past BUT you can do everything differently now and you can make a living amends by being a wonderful husband from here on out!

[Ago]

This is a link I came across in "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" and to say it was an eye opener was a bit of an understatement

There is a thing in the book where the guy comes out of the cellar after a tornado and the house is devastated and he says, "Look ma, the wind has stopped blowin, aint life grand?" and it's compared to us after we get sober.

Now my experience and I am going to go out on a limb and speak for others who have worked the twelve steps here is IF we work a fearless and thorough moral inventory and make amends as in a "living amends" as in we change our behavior as opposed to a vague mumbling blanket apology we get a life fuller and richer then we have ever experienced.

I see people who come in to AA saying "I want my life back"

I don't, I want nothing to do with my old life or who I was, I was selfish, self centered and harmful and a full blown liar, cheat and thief, as is fairly common with us when we get here.

If I say to myself, wait, but I was "cash register" honest, I am not taking into account that I "stole" other people happiness, that I lied about who I was, because I didn't even know who I was, and that I 'cheated" my mate even the chance of a happy life as long as I drank, The book talks about people drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol but after some time they can't tell the true from the false any more.

Today I don't have to live like that any more, and I aint talking about my drinking.

Today my life is far more incredible then I could have ever dreamed, having remorse about your past can be helpful early on, an alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature, but there comes a time when your past is an asset and I have found that everything in my past is a "weapon" in my arsenal to "fight" this disease and to help others and at the end of the day makes me a kinder, more loving man then I ever knew it was possible to be.

Don't leave before the miracle applies to this as well

It gets so much better...it gets better then you have ever dreamed possible.....I promise.

Here was "the blueprint" for my behavior then later on for the practicing alcoholics behavior in my life.



Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Addiction means always having to say you are sorry à and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.

Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial à but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.

The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.

One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that àat least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.

The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:

o Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;

o My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;

o Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.

Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one.

In treatment and rehabilitation centers this personal exceptionalism is commonly called "terminal uniqueness." The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself though not always others that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior, rules and norms that he himself concurs with when it comes to other people, do not fairly or fully fit himself at the present time and hence must be bent or stretched just sufficiently to make room for his special needs. In most cases this plea for accommodation is acknowledged to be a temporary one and accompanied by a pledge or plan to return to the conventional "rules of engagement" as soon as circumstances permit. This is the basic mindset of "IÇll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems I do youÇd drink and drug, too!"

[bballdad]

Dan
I used to feel bad too.I put my wife thru hell for 9 yrs before I got sober and she went to ala non.
We took what we had left of a marriage and tried to start from where it was.We both had to practice a lot of acceptance and forgiveness over the yrs since.We both have grow a lot.The memories of the harm done in the past help fuel goodness today.Nov 16th we celebrated 29 yrs of marriage.We`re happy today.I say this in a attempt to offer you encouragement.I believe if we all try,a little at a time,the old wounds heal some.It does take time.
We hope the best for you and your family Dan.you`ve come a long way.

[CarolD]

(((Dan)))
Prayers for healing going out for you and your wife.

[navysteve]

Dan,
You are in my prayers

[tkdan]

Thanks all. Our marriage counsulor has 21 yrs in the program so I know we can not go wrong with him. I'm still unsure about our future. She says at this point all she can offer me is her friendship, and she cannot say yet if we will be able to be husband and wife again. I need to be thankful that she is willing to be there in any capacity.

[Ago]

Dan,

I forgot to mention how proud I was of you, the fact you "manned up" and were able to "hear her" is very rare, I'd be proud to have you as a friend, sponsee or brother any day, I know alcoholics with years of sobriety that still play the "no you no you" game

If you get a chance, read "A New Pair of Glasses" by Chuck C

he talks about this very issue and actually has a very specific solution that works

[BP44]

Though it may not feel like it, you have been gifted with a spiritual awakening. For me, a spiritual awakening happens whenever I understand any part of the truth. This happens in the first step, the fourth, and again in the 9th step particularly in my relations to God's children, and becomes more eye opening with each of those steps. For instance, in inventory, I was able to see the harm I had done to my wife, but I had no idea what it did to her until the 9th step. When I sat down with her I saw with a new pair of eyes what my alcoholism did to her. How do I know, cause she told me. She would have horrible sleepless nights, nights when she would cry herself to sleep while I was passed out next to her exhaling alcohol to the point where the bedroom took on the odor of an embalming lab. Calls to work on days that I couldn't make it in. She resented that the most. She prayed daily that I would return to sobriety, and that her husband would return to her again. She thought she might never know her husband again, cause I was lost to her. Even for a period of time after I was separated from alcohol, I became even worse. Then she didn't know whether I would be better off drunk or sober. This is what we put them through. This is my truth. And I'll tell you this, it is a gift to see this. My wife is heavily active in Al anon, as I am in AA, and our lives are being recreated. Chuck C's A New Pair of Glasses can also be downloaded. He gave a series of 6 talks which became the source of the book. I kind of like hearing his "Hee, Hee, Hees". My amends to my wife is a daily thing. I isn't about, sorry. It's about changing into a man and a husband who isn't capable of doing the harm I have done. Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. My sponsor read that to us 3 times for a reason. And I am passing it on to one of the men who calls me sponsor, whose marriage was in a shambles when I met him, wife insistent on divorce. Nearly 6 months later, lots of AA, and lots of Alanon, and they spent a sober Thanksgiving together. I wouldn't be surprised if he's welcomed back in the house by Christmas. Awesome topic, Dan. Keep doing what you're doing. It gets better.

[gravity]

Hi Dan,

I really admire and respect you for what you are doing - seeking help, admitting your mistakes and moving forward. That's more than many guys would do.

I will always have to live with the harm I did to my wife through my years of drinking - we have been together since 1991 but my drinking was really bad the last 5 years or so. I have to keep it in perspective. What I put my wife through was terrible. However, we also had some excellent times and are raising our kids the best we can. I wasn't a complete failure as a husband and a dad. My wife acknowledges that it wasn't all me and my drinking that caused difficulties in our marriage.

We are still together and I believe our marriage is good. We love each other and accept each other the way we are - imperfect.

I did my 9th step amend with her. What she wants from me: keep doing what I am doing, always be there for her & the kids. That's what I am doing. We may never be 100% over the past but we are moving forward, enjoying life. She is happy.

Also, keep in mind that there is are reasons why your wife is in counseling with you, trying to make it work.

Best wishes to both of you.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by tkdan

I feel terrible and there is nothing I can do about what has happened.

Yes there is something that you can do about it;

The 4th & 5th step are designed to help you overcome your fear, guilt and shame.

The 9th step is designed to help you make amends for the wreckage of your past.

[Eleison]

It can really shake us up when someone holds the mirror up to us and shows us how things really are. But remember that the essence of you is still there, that's not destroyed, and that can help you get through the path of recovery.

[Music]

Originally Posted by tkdan

Thanks all. Our marriage counsulor has 21 yrs in the program so I know we can not go wrong with him. I'm still unsure about our future. She says at this point all she can offer me is her friendship, and she cannot say yet if we will be able to be husband and wife again. I need to be thankful that she is willing to be there in any capacity.

Alcohol isn't the only thing we're powerless over. Add to the list, decisions made by other people. My wife and I entered marriage counsuling shortly after we got sober. I heard the same words you heard and had the same feelings. "What can I say or do to make this happen?" The answer was then, and is now....nothing! The damage has been done. The best thing we could do was to acknowledge each others feelings as being real, and justified, then set out on a path to correct things so that these problems wouldn't come up in the future. Make sure you let her know that you "hear" what she's saying. Then, do whatever you have to do to stay sober and make the changes you need to make. Don't worry about what she's doing, or going to do. You can't control these things, but you can control how you handle her decisions. Either way, you are important and staying sober is on you, not what she does.

[tkdan]

The 4th & 5th step are designed to help you overcome your fear, guilt and shame

I realize now that I had only scratched the surface on my 4th step. Looks like I have much more to write.
Thanks for the encouragement and advice all.

[BP44]

The making of amends is about change. If you had offered me simply a way to cope with life, I would have rejected it. What I was offered was a solution that would change me from the person I was into a person who was no longer capable of doing the harm that I did. I was no longer willing to exist as that empty shell of a man I had become. I wanted to be transformed. This has and continues to occur in my life. In the making of amends my past can be changed. My story has changed from the time I had enough drinks to get through the doors of AA, and it has changed since I drank enough to follow the suggestions. My story continues to change, and my past along with it. My past is no longer a liability. It is an asset, and quite frankly probably the greatest one I have today. 4th and 5th steps are great and neccesary, but if we don't move into 6 & 7 where we start thinking about change, and clean up the damage done in 8 & 9, and then grow in 10,11,& 12, then our past will continue to be a liability. The same person will drink again.

[tkdan]

4th and 5th steps are great and neccesary, but if we don't move into 6 & 7 where we start thinking about change, and clean up the damage done in 8 & 9,

Yeah the problem started because I was sitting on my ninth step. Had I moved forward and made my amends to my wife all of this would have had a chance to come out before it exploded in her.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by tkdan

Yeah the problem started because I was sitting on my ninth step. Had I moved forward and made my amends to my wife all of this would have had a chance to come out before it exploded in her.

This is just "my experience" but on hindsight everything worked out for me exactly the way it supposed to, as in far better then I ever could have imagined.

Case in point but when I did my ninth step with my father, I ummm ....accidently ..."did it wrong" half way through my amends I slipped my leash and said, "you know, if you would have been any sort of father I wouldn't have been such a F$#@-up and I wouldn't have let you down here"

We started going back and forth, and finally he told me his life story...it's hard to explain but over the next ten years we got a lot closer and one day we were talking, he was crying and saying "oh son, oh son if only i could have given you this when you were young" and I was saying, "Dad you couldn't, and filling in the place from his life story"

It took me three days to realize that he finally had given me what I had wanted from him my whole life, and I was the one comforting him, and it was all because I had "done my ninth step wrong"

I have to realize it's "God's time" not mine and it's "God's plan" not mine, and if I just suit up, show up, and do the next right thing, everything will turn out far better then I ever could have imagined, my experience and that of everyone I know with long term sobriety abundantly confirms this.

[Tazman53]

Dan keep in mind it is His will that will be done and not yours. Your part is to stay sober, continue to change, to grow, and make your amends to your wife and family living amends. No matter the results of His will know that in the long run there is a reason for what has happened and what will happen.

Just before I quit drinking my wife informed me that her and the kids were moving out at the end of the month, they already had a placed lined up to move into. This was not an ultimatum from her that they were moving out, those had been made before and I just blew them off. This was a factual statement, she kicked out her first alcoholic husband when she told him he was gone in 30 days. She gave him legal notice in writing because she owned thier house and exactly 30 days later the cops met him at the door and he was gone.

Well when she first told me they were leaving I was actually happy because I could now drink in the house and not have them griping at me...... Then I went into the garage and had my moment of clarity which led to detox which led to AA which led me to sobriety. It took time and effort on both of our parts, but my marriage is better then it has been in years now. That did not happen over night, but it happened.

2 of my sponsee's were seperated from thier wifes when they first got sober, they are now back together with thier wifes and working things out.

Dan keep at it, you are in my prayers. The above is my limited ES&H.

[tkdan]

Thanks Taz, things are going better with us mostly because I have a new passion about my recovery program. I've been on fire like I was in the early days. I realize that by me getting lazy in working the program thinking I had it all together I started to slip back into my old way if thinking. Any changes I had made for the good were erased by my alcoholic way of thinking. I cannot take the procees of the steps lightly again. I never put as much importance of the steps as I should have and I'm paying the price. Thanks to my higher power that I did not lose all because of my lackluster approach to the steps. Thanks to all of you for your ES&H!!!

[Tazman53]

Dan I try and always keep in mind that the maintenance of my spiritual condition daily is my first priority, I have found that the better I work my program daily the better things go for me and my family. Dan please do not get down on yourself for what happened, learn from it, as it is quite appearant you are doing and continue to move forward, keep in mind "Easy does it", but remember "Easy does it", does not mean that we can sit on our rear ends, it means that we do it, but in a calm and thought out manner.

[barb dwyer]

there is nothing I can do about what has happened.

yes there is.
You can learn from it.

and make all your choices from within that place of having learned.

{{{huggs and prayers for dan-neo}}}

[tkdan]

yes there is.
You can learn from it.

and make all your choices from within that place of having learned.

You are right! I can effect the present and in doing so make a better future from the lessons learned from my past.

[barb dwyer]

it's the only way to erase a mistake.

because when we learn from it...
and make our choices from the place of having learned ..
it ceases to be a mistake.
it becomes a teaching.

We go from 'looking back' and cringing
to 'looking back'
and smiling.

[tkdan]

We go from 'looking back' and cringing
to 'looking back'
and smiling.

That is the type of positive view I need to take with things. It was really overwhelming to hear her talk about how horrible life was for her all those years. If I grow from it then it can serve a purpose for the good.