Meetings affecting my confidence?-moving past the fear

[gravity]

I have been sober for over 11 months but went through a period of self-doubt the past couple of weeks.

Every meeting, I hear about how powerless I am, how I only have today, insanity, mental blind spots, etc. I was almost at the point where I was scared to go out and live my life, thinking that a moment of insanity combined with a trigger (people, place or thing) would immediately take me back to that living hell. Worried about a self-fulfilling prophesy. Not a good way to live, in fear. I did talk to my sponsor and he told me not to worry, that I am working a strong program.

I am also in a 12 step commitment group (this is my second time through the steps). I hear comments how if we don’t do this right, we will drink, we will die. It strikes me as fear based recovery. I also hear that people with long term sobriety are still making lengthy inventories - not getting over some things for several years, new resentments, new fears. Is this how the program works? I don’t want to relive this stuff over and over.

I guess what I am feeling is that I don’t want to become dependent on meetings and my sponsor. I don’t want to live in fear that I am always one moment of insanity away from losing everything. I want to be confident that I have moved on, that I am strong, that I will not drink.

My life is really good, not perfect but I am more at peace, happy. I accept that I can’t drink and I have experienced major mental & spiritual growth. I just want to keep on working the steps and share a positive message in meetings. Truthfully, the doom and gloom is starting to get to me.

I know that this post focuses on my own negative thoughts (bit of a rant). The program as a whole is great and it does keep me sober. The positives by far outweigh any negatives.

I am wondering if others have experienced this concern and how you dealt with it. Right now, I am trying to step back and simplify my approach (not think too much about it and just keep doing what I’ve been doing for the past 11 months). I do have a better perspective but it still bothers me a bit. Any comments appreciated.

[Music]

Sounds to me like you're doing entirely too much thinking. Go back to step one, realize the power just one drink has over you, strike up a relationship with a higher power you can accept, and go on with your life with the confidence that as long as you do your part, your higher power will do the rest.

[Clutch B]

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

That doesn't sound fear-based to me. A certain amount of respect for the power of alcohol is healthy, but downright fear of living life isn't part of recovery.

[navysteve]

I guess what I am feeling is that I don’t want to become dependent on meetings and my sponsor.

Then don't. It seems like you are on the fence ( if you don't mind me saying) between a strong program and the fellowship. Remember they are two different things. Many in the rooms make their sponsor their higher power, rely on meetings to get them through the day. It sounds like you have had some awakenings through the steps. Trust in the infinite God you have tapped into and all will be well.

If recovery was based on fear, I would have been gone long ago.

[findingout]

Hey gravity,

My experience is that there are a lot of people at any given meeting in different stages of recovery. The message that comes from them and speaks to them may or may not be where I am at. When I was just six weeks sober things were different than they are now at 6 years sober. If they were not, I'd have to say that the program didn't work.

For every person with long term sobriety who still feels that they are just a day away from the insanity, there is another who has found true recovery. The longer I remained sober, the more I trusted that my recovery was real and that the higher power in my life was real.

If your life is improving and the spiritual growth is happening, the program is working for you. The message underneath all is:

we do recover.

[Tommyh]

I like to look towards freedom to live happy today instead of fear of negative things.Freedom from...booze and the old way I lived...freedom too....live freely and happily today.Years of my negative thinking cannot be turned around overnight.
A lot depends of my perspective of life,people,myself,meetings and so on.

I know if I make too many meetings I can get real sick and stay that way.Sometimes they can suck the life right out of me and place doubts,and negativity in my head.When I sit in prayer,contemplation,or meditation,I get recharged spiritually.I need that quite time alone with my HP every day first and foremost.

[Ago]

Some good points here, I agree with about everything I have read in response to your initial questions to the best of my recollection and find all are important.

(edit: yes every response "hits" a very important something to take note of for me in this issue, vast wisdom exists in the preceding posts)

I would also like to add that once I "hit" an issue in the steps, it gets "lifted" I don't have to "revisit" that issue over and over, unless I have something that I missed and it becomes recurring, in which case I go back and look at it in a new light and a new angle to "learn what the lesson is"

How do I know it's "all better" and I "don't have that issue or character defect" any more?

because it's gone.

It's been lifted...and I didn't "do it" I didn't spend one minute doing it, it's not "self help" if I could "help myself" I wouldn't need meetings, the program or a sponsor.

uncover
discover
discard

that's the essence of the steps for me.

But the steps are about "moving towards health" to me, not "stewing in the past", the thing about having "long term sobriety" is "more will be revealed" so when you revisit the steps you have new revelations and new insights so it's a constant "growth process" not a "stuck in the past" process although from the outside sometimes it's hard to see the difference, and the truth is some alcoholics do get "stuck in the past" and are more comfortable "being sick" then "getting healthy" it's "worked" for them their entire lives, and their parents so they find ways "to stay sick" because it's "what's comfortable".

The bottom line for me is I work the steps because they make me feel better and move through the world in a more graceful manner, so I change from being a "move away from pain" oriented being to a "move towards the light" based "being"

subtle distinctions but important ones I find for me.

So for me I find someone who "has what I want" ask them to sponsor me, then grab on with both hands and "enjoy the ride", these folks have appeared different ways at different times, some loved me better, some screamed profanity at me when I was exceptionally stupid, all had a message for me that at the end of the day was healing and one of unconditional love.

In Star Wars they didn't have Yoda say "bad words" but that wasn't my experience, my "Yoda" made noises like a tea kettle and said some bad words on occasion, but the message was the same.

Be present and get my head outta my butt.

[Sugah]

I've witnessed that fear-based recovery that you're talking about. I don't get it, or why some want to teach it to others. It's contrary to what we learn through the steps.

Rather than fear, I have gained an awareness--a spiritual awakening--regarding those things that could, if I neglect them, lead me back to a drink. There's no fear in it. It's a gift to be able to see those things. On occasion, a brother or sister in recovery will point something out to me that I'm not immediately aware of, and that, too, is a gift. But fear? Fear kept me drunk. Fear kept me from sustained willingness to live differently.

One of the best things presented to me in early recovery was an "AA De-Programming" site. It detailed some of the ways the message of recovery could be twisted, and at that point, being willing to go to any length, it helped me recognize a true message from a false one.

I'd ask, gravity, if you're hearing the voices of recovery as they are in your group, or if you're filtering them through some fear you've yet to let go of. Please don't take that as a criticism--rather an opportunity for growth. I've had a lot of those growing moments in sobriety. If, in fact, you are hearing a fear-based message, perhaps you'd do well to find another group that knows the meaning of freedom through the steps. Then, you can return to this group with a new message. That's how change occurs. E, S & H.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Emimily]

I'm with Music - I'm powerless over alcohol and other nouns. I am not powerless over my actions and my reactions. Because I've worked the steps, I've had a spiritual experience, I have a relationship with the Big Guy and I have FAITH. Fear doesn't co-exist with faith.

So, despite my lack of control and my character defects and my resentments and this that and the other, I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I suit up, show up, and really do the deal then I'm golden. The Big Guy has never failed to meet me halfway, and more often than not it's closer.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

We're powerless over a lot of things in life. What can you really control? Can you change the weather, people, places or things?

We're not powerless over our attitudes though

That's why we turn it over to God. I gave it all up to him in my 3rd step. With that, I have to do what I believe God's will for me is. I know, God doesn't want me to spend the rest of my life drinking.

How are you on your service work? I learned the best way to help my self was to help others. If, what you say is true, fear doesn't have to overwhelm you. I keep a healthy respect of fear over drinking. Use fear in a positive way.

[stone]

Originally Posted by gravity

I hear comments how if we don’t do this right, we will drink, we will die. It strikes me as fear based recovery.

I think if you feel spiritually fit you are doing it right, some people can obsess over the details of the program and the program can become their new addiction in an unhealthy way. They aren't drinking, which is great but if you listen to them too much they can bog you down.

Great thread with some great reponses, thanks Gravity.

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by gravity

I guess what I am feeling is that I don’t want to become dependent on meetings and my sponsor. I don’t want to live in fear that I am always one moment of insanity away from losing everything. I want to be confident that I have moved on, that I am strong, that I will not drink.

Sounds to me like your ready to take the next step and start Sponsoring people.

[Rowan]

In the last several months, I'd experienced a real shift in my thinking and attitude. I, too, used to identify with the fear, and the 'what ifs'. I used to obsess over my powerlessness and went to way too many meetings.

I fully accept that I am powerless over alcohol, but I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it anymore. I go to 3 meetings a week usually, and just completed another 5th step. I sponsor other women, and I work often with newcomers.

And a miracle has recently happened: my eldest daughter, who is 16, lives with her father. I have been estranged from her for 4 years. She simply would not see me or talk to me. She emailed me two nights ago. She's not yet ready to see me, but she wanted to contact me, to reassure me that I'll always be her Mom and that she loves me. This would not have happened without Alcoholics Anonymous. If I hadn't stayed sober, made amends, helped others, prayed, etc, this young lady, I feel sure, would be lost to me forever. So, yes, I am making progress.

I have no fear. I have faith that miracles happen, and that the 12 Promises do come true.

[gravity]

Wow! Talk about incredible responses! I really should have more confidence that other alcoholics would know where I am coming from.

I do know that I am filtering what I am hearing through my own current circumstances – work stress, poor sleep. I took this week off work to recharge (spiritually, mentally, and physically).

What I have to remember is that the fellowship is not the program. And what I often hear at meetings is not the Big Book. As far as that goes, my own experience is not exactly the Big Book. Some may call it half-measures but this is the best I can do, where I am right now:

- Occasionally (once or twice a month maybe), I get upset that I can’t drink but I have not seriously considered having a drink.
-I do not always have absolute faith (I'm trying) that a higher power will keep me sober but I do believe that if I keep on doing what I am doing, I will not drink.
-I am having a hard time making amends but it really doesn’t bother me that much. Most of the people on my list love me, are happy for me, and I am always there for them. I’ll get to it.
-I no longer expect all of my character defects to be removed – some are gone, others are very manageable, some are just who I am.
-I am working with a couple of newcomers in the study group, I occasionally chair a meeting, and I give people rides to meetings. Sometimes, I let calls from other alcoholics go to voicemail (especially when I’m at work). I just don’t want to deal with it. That’s the extent of my service work.

I look at the 9th step promises and I have experienced some progress on every one (to me, that's huge). But I don’t expect to get to a state where I am totally serene, spiritually fit, fearless, and free of character defects 100% of the time. That’s unattainable (I’ve never met anyone like that). I’m okay with being an imperfect human being. It doesn’t mean that I will drink and die. Everyone I know has an issue of some kind and it doesn’t really mean anything except that we are human.

One dangerous message I hear is that some people seem to believe that this is a lifelong struggle to achieve a near perfect state sobriety and living. My own take is that if you do your best, you will stay sober and life will improve dramatically. My own experience is the proof. I almost feel like telling people (even those with years of sobriety) to quit living in the problem and compare yourself to where you were when you first walked through the door. The program works! And it doesn’t have to take years of self-criticism, meetings, and anxiety to get there.

From the Doctor’s opinion (Big Book quote/1st Edition):

One year later he called to see me, and I experienced a very strange sensation. I knew the man by name, and partly recognized his features, but there all resemblance ended. From a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck, had emerged a man brimming over with self-reliance and contentment.

I have almost one year of sobriety. I have worked hard and you know, I feel like this guy. If I could live the rest of my life like this, I would be very happy and of course very grateful. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Thanks for your help. My sincere best wishes, Don.

ps. Rowan: That is truly something about your girl. The good life. Who would have thought these things possible when we first started out?

[Dean62]

In my first week of sobriety my sponsor told me that everyone he has ever seen "go out" without fail has done so because they did not maintain their spiritual fitness. It wasn't until recently I realized he didn't say anything about meetings, sponsors, steps, service work etc. Those I believe, in the progression of recovery, have been the path to my HP. Steps 10, 11 and 12 are a good guideline to doing God's will and I don't think you can go wrong with them but they are only guidelines.

To use your own words.

I read and listen to the wisdom of Christian, Native Canadian, and Buddhist teachings (I'm open to all sources of wisdom). Recently, I came across a Christian reading that stated "Everything in your life that is good comes from God". This really helped me understand what spiritual experience, fitness, and growth is all about.

If everything good in my life comes from God, it follows that everything good in my life is spiritual.

The only thing I admitted I was powerless over is alcohol in step one. I love step three

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody.

I'm not powerless over people places and things Don, I simply don't try to control them anymore. You know the part about the actor who try's to control everything. We stop playing God in step 3. Obsession is replaced with peace and for me Peace IS God's voice telling me his will for me. Listen for it and when you feel it rest in it. No need for worry or fear. A strong program is gratitude for God's will in my life. In God's will I am safe from that first drink.



Quote from BB first edition.

[Missybuns]

I say you have the courage to change the things you can.

Do it.

No need to second guess yourself. If no one else has expressed a concern about you lately...then enjoy being human. No second guessing that! You are going to make mistakes...only today you don't have to drink or drug over it....make that decision.

I go through times of second guessing myself...and it's always after I've already done what I question and can't take it back. 9 times out of 10 it's ok what I did...I just lose confindence after the fact...generally from fear of what someone elses reaction has been or will be. (all stuff I have no control over) If I need guidance..I ask for it.

Asking for guidance cuts the second guessing way down!

I'm three years into my recovery and for me second guessing has gotten fewer and further between as my self-esteem grows.

Peace,

Missybuns, 12 stepper

[Ago]

Originally Posted by Dean62

I'm not powerless over people places and things Don, I simply don't try to control them anymore.

Personally I'm "powerless" over anything and anybody I give my power to, happens sometimes, sometimes I see it painlessly, sometimes I need a "lesson" in humility

"Control" takes many forms, and personally I'm still learning various aspects of that lesson and hope to remain "teachable", I haven't quite acquired a full knowledge of every variation of that issue, although lemme tell you I have evidently been on the front line of the "research and development" team for "control issues" for the last few years.

[stone]

-I do not always have absolute faith (I'm trying) that a higher power will keep me sober but I do believe that if I keep on doing what I am doing, I will not drink.

I think that is enough, I have trouble with the HP keeping me sober bit, what is going to keep me sober is my actions, following the program. To me step 3 is a commitment to do the program, I have a HP but at this stage I don't believe 'it' goes around removing things.

Maybe you are just letting others opinions get to you too much? I know I do, especially in AA for some reason. You sound like you have every reason to have faith in yourself to me.

[walt55054life]

I love what has been said and learned a lot myself....

Just want to add that maybe if you have already read it to re-read step 7 in the 12 of 12 it talks about character building.

But I have found that I work these 12 steps in my everyday life

1 In the morning I admit I can't drink and i'm powerless helps me stay sober

2 and 3 I get in touch w/ God and ask him to help me through the day and to do his will and not mine bc mine gets me drunk.(third step prayer) and ask for my HP to keep me sober

4 and 5 Is me not dwellling in the past nor wishing to close the door on it and talking w/ my sponsor even if not needed to stay sober

6and7 for me are practice the most because many times through out the day I need God to help (6 step prayer and serenity prayer) me through situations and help control my anger and keep me sober

8, 9and 10 are me living like a normal person admitting when I'm wrong and doing what ever it is to pay back those harms I have done or continue to do (to make amends means to pay back not say I'm sorry--my sponsor) so that I don't let **** eat my lunch and I stay sober

11 Me not being ashamed of admitting God for help anymore and doing it more regurlay and by habit (If we are what we repeatidly do, then excellence is not an act but a habit) helps to keep me sober

12 Anytime I chair or go to an H&I meeting, anytime I help set up chairs or coffee, anytime I talk to my sponsor, anytime I help talk to a recovering alcoholic, and everytime I add another day gives me a bettter oppurtunity (bc today I don't have problem I have oppurtunities) to help another person know what is keeping me sober today

And all was goign to add was to read the 7th step in the 12 of 12

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by navysteve

. Trust in the infinite God you have tapped into and all will be well.
.

Exactly. I do regular inventory and daily prayer and meditation to make sure there are no blocks between myself and this power called God. There can be a lot of spiritual pride and arrogance about "the way", I've been guilty of this. Ultimately though, as many have wisely pointed out, it is between you and God, see to it that your relationship with him is right and great things will come to pass. Is this not already true in your life?

[jimhere]

The fellowship of fear is what I call it. Much of what is said in AA meetings are myths and lies rooted in fear. Few have the courage to question what is said. We hear crap like "My disease is out in the parking lot doing push-ups," You can never recover, you will always be recovering," "Don't get too well," "I go to meetings to see what happens to people who don't go to meetings," "It's a selfish program," and so forth. We teach the newcomer to stay sick. We blame alcoholism for bad behavior well into sobriety and say "Progress not perfection." We refuse to take responsibility for our own growth and for what we've been given.We let others do our thinking for us. We let other people make our decisions for us.

Early on, I couldn't trust my thinking, I was afraid of it and had good reason to be. But my sponsor promised me a new mind. He never told me that my mind is a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone.

My sponsor encouraged me to question what I heard and find out for myself what these spiritual terms meant to me. He never taught me to depend on him. Instead he asked me if I was willing to place dependance on God ahead of dependance on people. He taught that it was OK to think for myself.

Early on, we are encouraged to question and to think. Even though it says that I must be satisfied that the new prospect is an alcoholic, I must be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic. He must draw that conclusion himself. I can help him find out what he is, but I can't tell him what he is. In Chapter Three it says something to the effect "How then can we help our readers to determine to their OWN satisfaction whether they are one of us?" Even during the inventory, it talks of being able to access a place of intuition and inspiration-"In meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it."
"Counsel with persons is often desirable, but in the end I let God (my conscience) be the final judge." In other words, I know the answer and all I have to do is listen. Of course I can only hear the still small voice if my mind is quiet and that involves clearing away the garbage.

After the Fifth Step, I am asked to return home and find a place where I can be quiet for an hour, reviewing the work I've done. There is a series of five questions that I ask myself. Before I move on to the Sixth Step, I have to answer these questions to MY satisfaction, not my sponsor's satisfaction. I generally move people fairly quickly through the steps, but if a man says he is not ready to move on, I do not coerce him. He either will or he won't.

By the time we are into amends, we are awake. It talks about intuitively being able to handle situations that used to baffle us. Sanity in regards to alcohol has been restored. The problem has been removed. I've came from a place of "My mind is a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone" to proper use of the will. I can exercise my will along certain lines all I wish. God gave me a brain to use and I can use it with assurance it when my thinking is on a higher plane.

I can relax. I don't have to struggle or try to figure out life. Inspiration and intuitive thought become a working part of my mind and I come to rely on it. Doesn't mean that I won't make mistakes. I won't always be inspired and mistakes are part of the game.

Two statements sum it up for me. One is found in The New Testament. "For God does not come to us in a spirit of fear, but in a spirit of love and of power and of a sound mind." Kind of contradicts all the stuff that fundamental preachers are spewing and what you hear in AA meetings about God.

There is a statement on page 132 that, for me, sums it up as well: "We have recovered and have been given the power to help others." I'm not sick anymore, I'm not in the dark anymore, and I'm not powerless anymore. In fact I am powerful beyond measure. All the power that God has dwells within me. And it is all mine as long as I use it for what it is for.

All this does not mean that I don't need some spiritual direction. I have friends that I trust my life to and whom I trust to tell me the truth when I ask them. But I don't need a sponsor or anyone else in AA to run my life for me. And I'm too busy to run anyone else's life.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by jimhere

The fellowship of fear is what I call it. Much of what is said in AA meetings are myths and lies rooted in fear. Few have the courage to question what is said. We hear crap like "My disease is out in the parking lot doing push-ups," You can never recover, you will always be recovering," "Don't get too well," "I go to meetings to see what happens to people who don't go to meetings," "It's a selfish program," and so forth. We teach the newcomer to stay sick. We blame alcoholism for bad behavior well into sobriety and say "Progress not perfection." We refuse to take responsibility for our own growth and for what we've been given.We let others do our thinking for us. We let other people make our decisions for us.

Early on, I couldn't trust my thinking, I was afraid of it and had good reason to be. But my sponsor promised me a new mind. He never told me that my mind is a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone.

My sponsor encouraged me to question what I heard and find out for myself what these spiritual terms meant to me. He never taught me to depend on him. Instead he asked me if I was willing to place dependance on God ahead of dependance on people. He taught that it was OK to think for myself.

Early on, we are encouraged to question and to think. Even though it says that I must be satisfied that the new prospect is an alcoholic, I must be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic. He must draw that conclusion himself. I can help him find out what he is, but I can't tell him what he is. In Chapter Three it says something to the effect "How then can we help our readers to determine to their OWN satisfaction whether they are one of us?" Even during the inventory, it talks of being able to access a place of intuition and inspiration-"In meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it."
"Counsel with persons is often desirable, but in the end I let God (my conscience) be the final judge." In other words, I know the answer and all I have to do is listen. Of course I can only hear the still small voice if my mind is quiet and that involves clearing away the garbage.

After the Fifth Step, I am asked to return home and find a place where I can be quiet for an hour, reviewing the work I've done. There is a series of five questions that I ask myself. Before I move on to the Sixth Step, I have to answer these questions to MY satisfaction, not my sponsor's satisfaction. I generally move people fairly quickly through the steps, but if a man says he is not ready to move on, I do not coerce him. He either will or he won't.

By the time we are into amends, we are awake. It talks about intuitively being able to handle situations that used to baffle us. Sanity in regards to alcohol has been restored. The problem has been removed. I've came from a place of "My mind is a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone" to proper use of the will. I can exercise my will along certain lines all I wish. God gave me a brain to use and I can use it with assurance it when my thinking is on a higher plane.

I can relax. I don't have to struggle or try to figure out life. Inspiration and intuitive thought become a working part of my mind and I come to rely on it. Doesn't mean that I won't make mistakes. I won't always be inspired and mistakes are part of the game.

Two statements sum it up for me. One is found in The New Testament. "For God does not come to us in a spirit of fear, but in a spirit of love and of power and of a sound mind." Kind of contradicts all the stuff that fundamental preachers are spewing and what you hear in AA meetings about God.

There is a statement on page 132 that, for me, sums it up as well: "We have recovered and have been given the power to help others." I'm not sick anymore, I'm not in the dark anymore, and I'm not powerless anymore. In fact I am powerful beyond measure. All the power that God has dwells within me. And it is all mine as long as I use it for what it is for.

All this does not mean that I don't need some spiritual direction. I have friends that I trust my life to and whom I trust to tell me the truth when I ask them. But I don't need a sponsor or anyone else in AA to run my life for me. And I'm too busy to run anyone else's life.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

Thank you so much for saying these things. It parallels my understanding and experience as well. Good to hear this today

[jimhere]

The other day I was talking with a man after a meeting. I've seen him around quite a bit and we've talked before. I like the man, he is a nice guy and very intelligent and well-read. In fact he is a physician. I think he is about five years sober.

He was telling me that he still can't trust his own thinking and at five years away from a drink still can't walk down the beer and wine aisle at the supermarket and has to come to a meeting every day to get the reminders of why he can't drink. I was telling him about my own experience and how I am free. I can go anywhere I want. He just didn't seem to want to hear it. Five years of AA meetings and going along with conventional AA wisdom will fill a man's head full of crap. Five years of fear-based sobriety, huddling together with the others in fear of "what's out there" will do that.

I didn't waste time or energy in trying to convince him of the error of that kind of thinking. Drinking alcohol convinced me that I can't drink alcohol and trying to live without alcohol and trying to "stay away from the first drink" by heavy meeting attendance and social activities convinced me that I can't live without alcohol.

It is none of my business how others stay sober, and I don't even get too upset by the stuff I hear anymore. It just saddens me to see people in AA living that way when I know they don't have to.
Jim

[Ago]

it takes what it takes Jim, that's the cool thing about this program, is we are there for the whole ride

I would "validate" this man's experience knowing that that's just where he is today, that there are meetings and other tools until he finds what we found, that may take relapse, he may never get it, he may get his "aha" on the way home today...but today I don't have to "know what's best" for other people, that's his "God's" job, but his experience will prove to be his most valuable asset, once again putting him in a position to help those I could not reach, not having had "his experience".

I love that bit in Doctor addict alcoholic where he talks about how when he found out he was an alcoholic it proved to be the best thing that ever happened to him, because it proved to him that he doesn't know whats best for him, and if he doesn't know whats best for him, maybe he doesn't know what's best for "you" or for anybody....

There is quite a bit of freedom there for me if I know where to look and not think I know "what's best" for others, b ecause the moment I think I know "what's best" for others sends me screaming back to the third step, reading about "our actor might be kind, considerate, generous etc but what happens, admitting he may be some what at fault, he is sure others are more to blame so he exerts himself more.....blah blah blah...../head pops like the martians in Mars Attacks.

[jimhere]

"It takes what it takes" can be valid, but it can also be a cop out. I can say "live and let live" while I sit and watch people die in Alcoholics Anonymous. Lots of times we talk about dying of alcoholism. Well I think an alcoholic can die of AA doing everything in AA but AA while we sit and watch and even tell him he's "Right where he's supposed to be" and "That this too shall pass."

When I was six months away from my last drink I was dying in AA. Dying of something I didn't know about and no one talked about. I desperately did not want to drink and hung out in meetings "staying away from a drink." If you'd have asked me why I was there I'd of said for the fellowship, but really it was so I could have a body next to me. Someone to share my fear with. And we'd huddle together in fear of what is "out there" and feed off of each other's sickness. And keep each other sick and perpetuate the myths. When I'd share what was going on, the noisy, busy head, the restlessness, the depression and misery, the aimless, pointless existence that I mistook for life, about how I didn't want to drink but wanted to drink, how I was terrified of being alone but couldn't stand being with people, about how I felt like I didn't even fit in in AA, they'd all nod their hods and tell me to "hang in there" and not to "quit before the miracle happens" and some of the other cliches that people who don't have a real answer through around so much that they've lost their meaning. People actually told me to read Dr. Paul's story and to just accept my lot in life. My God, if that is what I have to accept, I'd just as soon drink or blow my head off. If one more well-meaning but clueless person had said to me "This too shall pass," I was gonna grab them by the throat. Because it wasn't passing.

Thank God I encountered some men who knew that frothy emotional appeal doesn't suffice. These men talked out of experience and I knew that they knew what they were talking about. They talked with conviction and authority. There were no vague answers and no meaningless cliches. They said that their lives made sense to them and that could show me precisley how they had recovered. Later, after the meeting one of them said to me: "You know the people in AA who are telling you that you can't recover and will always have to stay sick and go to meetings to stay away from drinking are wrong. They are just expressing their own agnosticism." I'm glad that those guys had the courage to take an unpopular position.

I am not going to tell someone that they are OK when they are not. I'll let the head-knodders and AA lemmings do that.
Jim