I don't get it?

[tuffenuff]

I am not unfamilar with the 12 steps, but one thing I certainly don't understand is the part where "We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it..."

That DOES NOT describe me...I wish to forget a whole hell of a lot of what went on in my past and I not only want to shut the door I want to lock it, triple bolt it and burn the flippin' house down with it.

Along the same lines...how do I forgive myself for all the years I wasted and the loved ones (parents, sos, children, siblings, friends) that I hurt along the way?

I think I have moved on and then out of the blue some long forgotten (bad) memory pops up and bites me in the butt.

Can anyone help?

[stone]

I think it means if we wish to shut the door on our past then we haven't dealt with it, it is no good trying to block out the memories because then "out of the blue some long forgotten (bad) memory pops up and bites me in the butt."

If we deal with the past by doing steps 4 and 5 and then making amends (after all the sentence comes after step 9 in the book) where necessary then we can come to terms with the past and move on.

[Sugah]

Well, the "promise" you're talking about follows step nine--the amends making step. It's a process, and we don't get sober one day, then find ourselves okay with everything we've done and full of self-forgiveness the next.

Acceptance plays a part in it. A larger part for me was to when I started to see that my past experiences could help someone else. Each of the twelve steps have their foundation in humility (not humiliation), and with humility, we can move out of self and realize our usefulness to others. In other words, be part of the world, rather than insisting it revolves around us.

If it's something you'd like to experience, the best suggestion I could give you would be to latch onto somebody who has been on the path awhile and ask for help. Find someone who "has what you want" -- and ask her (you are female, yes?) to show you how she did it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[tuffenuff]

Thanks stone, but.......I have been through the steps and it doesn't help me.

I can't seem to get over the fact that I wasted those years and I can never get them back.......here I am but i feel like I should be alot farther along in life than I am (heck, I KNOW it!). ............

[stone]

Originally Posted by tuffenuff

Thanks stone, but.......I have been through the steps and it doesn't help me.

I can't seem to get over the fact that I wasted those years and I can never get them back.......here I am but i feel like I should be alot farther along in life than I am (heck, I KNOW it!). ............

I could feel like that too, but I choose not to. I suppose I deal with it by trying to live in the moment.
Meditating helps me put things in perspective, I am here now in this moment trying my best.

Also, comparison helps...maybe I should be further along in life, but what does that mean? More possessions or money? You could achieve all those things you think you should have and then get diagnosed with an illness and have 6 months to live, for example. Or a piano could fall on your head, lol.

I try to be as happy as I can and I can only do that now, in the present moment.

[Tazman53]

I can't seem to get over the fact that I wasted those years and I can never get them back.......here I am but i feel like I should be alot farther along in life than I am (heck, I KNOW it!).

I no longer live in the past, I needed to accept my past which I have done, I have moved beyond it, as I have done the steps I have learned to forgive myself for what I did in the past, a huge part of this has been making amends where ever and when ever I can and accepting the fact that I may never be able to fully make amends to all of those people or institutions I have wronged, but I am willing to make those amends when I can.

I can not change my past, but I can put my past to good use, not only for me to learn from my past mistakes, but also to share my past with others to show them that ones past does not prevent one from recovering.

I spent many years trying to drink away my past, to hide/run from my past, I finally came to the realization that my past is my past and I can not change my past, but I can use my past to allow me and others to live a better today.

When I boil it all down, the only thing I have is really today, yesterday is gone and can not be altered or relived, today I can change for the better, I can be a better person, I can help others today, I can be helped today, I can do the right thing today. Tomorrow will never come, because once tomorrow comes it is today.

I look at my past and then look at today, today is all that matters, I can make amends for yesterday, but I can not change it. If I live right today I will have fewer owed amends tomorrow. What I have today is more then I had yesterday, because yesterday is gone.

What I do today may effect my tomorrow, but not totally, I have come to learn that I have no real control over tomorrow except some of the things I do today. If I do what I should do today, I have no need to worry about tomorrow.

Yesterday is gone, never to return so why should I live in the past, unless I want it to return.

Today is what I have, it is all I can control, I can try and live in the past and destroy today, or I can move on with today.

Tomorrow will never come, I can not live in tomorrow so why should I worry about it, worrying about tomorrow will not change it, the only thing I can do to effect my tomorrow partially is what I do or don't do today.

[AW2486]

My sponsor gave me the easiest explanation for keeping things One Day at a Time.

If we have 1 foot in yesterday .. and 1 foot in tomorrow .. we are pissing all over today.

[Celebration1994]

When I look at my past....It is a tool to learn from and to heal from. I learn for my horrid behavior I did, to make amends and change....I learn from the horrors of what was done to me, to forgive and help someone else. Not saying that the memories no longer hurt, but at least I am learning to let go and move forward, because I remember where I came from. It also is acceptance lesson for me ...can't change it...pray about it...move forward.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by tuffenuff

I am not unfamilar with the 12 steps, but one thing I certainly don't understand is the part where "We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it..."

First of all, this is a 9th step promise that comes after a great deal of work and in some cases a great number of months.

Second, it is pretty much the same as the concept of "detachment" that comes from the Hindu religion. That is, we learn to look at it from a neutral perspective. Recognizing it, acknowledging that it exists, accepting responsibility for it, but letting go of the fear/guilt/shame that goes along with it.

It is not something that makes sense until you learn to appreciate some of the paradox's that go along with this spiritual program;

We have to suffer to get well

We must surrender to win

We need to give it away to keep it

[nandm]

Our regrets are addressed in Steps Four through Nine. In the Steps Four and Five we reinterpret our past. In Steps Six and Seven we position ourselves for the removal of those character defects that have caused our problems. In Steps Eight and Nine we repair the damage we have done. These steps transform our painful past into a useful spiritual tool.

I think the key is the release we get when we finally realize that although we have made mistakes and committed wrongs in the past, those things we are now able to use to help others. They are now overcome with the help of our Higher Power and the Steps. Our past is now a positive rather than a negative to us.

[Dean62]

We are human and we are supposed to make mistakes. Some of us just happen to be more human then others lol. In fact it is our mistakes that make us human. You may be tuff tuffenuff but your not perfect. No one is. I used to try to meet the standard of self perfection and it drove me to drink. Give yourself permission to mess up everything you touch. It's ok really.

Having regrets for me means I'm still trying to somehow control my perception or some one else's perception of my past and who I am. It's not worth the effort.

Acceptance, surrender = peace.

[navysteve]

"We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it..."

That is one of the 9th step promises. Before I practiced the steps, I lived in my past. I need the steps so I don't drink again. If I don't have the steps, I am miserable. Just not drinking doesn't make my life any better. As I practice them my past has less and less bearing on my today

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by Dean62

In fact it is our mistakes that make us human.

Something tells me God tried making a universe where everything and everyone was perfect and discovered one major flaw:

Perfection can not love Perfection.

[PaulN]

I'm with Boleo ... relief will come in taking the steps. You'll find yourself living the phrase once you've done so.

[Freedom1990]

My past is my greatest asset in sharing with a still suffering alcoholic because that is what he/she can relate to.

[CarolD]

Carved in stone...around the US Archives building

Past Is Prologue

I consider my past is what I needed
in order to be of service today.

God's plan...not mine....

[gravity]

We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it

I do regret some of the things I did in the past, the hurt I caused other people. The big difference now is that I don’t live these experiences over & over in my head and I use them to help other alcoholics. If I could change the past so that I had never hurt anyone, whether because of my drinking or not, I would. But I can’t change the past. I also can’t shut the door on it (pretend it never happened). I have to accept it, learn from it, try to make amends, and move on. Really, there is no other option.

Once when I was feeling really horrible about the hurt I had caused others (these thoughts came from out of the blue), I got down on my knees and prayed. Immediately after praying, my self-hatred was replaced with the thoughts “this too shall pass” and “I’m human and I make mistakes.” I immediately felt calmer, more accepting of my past. Prayers answered. This was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences I had in my life.

I have also come to accept the guilt I occasionally feel as a part of the human experience. I feel bad because I care about other people. The capacity to love others is a gift. Would it be better if I didn’t care?

how do I forgive myself for all the years I wasted and the loved ones (parents, sos, children, siblings, friends) that I hurt along the way?

I really don’t view the years as being wasted. Who knows where I would be today if I made different choices? I do live in the day but I also view the future with excitement. A new sober life living each day on a spiritual basis! How can I be a good husband, dad, brother, and friend from this day forward? How can I be a good man? I also think that it is important to accept that even when I was an active alcoholic (and in the years before my drinking got out of control), I did do many good things for my loved ones. Perspective.

I only have one life to live and I don’t want to spend it reliving my past mistakes in my head or, worse, actually repeating them.

We claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.

I do try to live the 12 steps every day. Sometimes, my self-will does re-emerge and I make mistakes and have negative thoughts. More and more though, I feel as though I am carrying out the Creator’s will for me. I'm doing my best, not trying to be perfect. It's all I can do.


BB quotes from the 1st edition of the Big Book.

[tuffenuff]

Thanks everyone who responded, alot of wisdom in all of your posts...

It really is helping me to not be so hard on myself........

[RufusACanal]

"Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story."