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11-05-2008, 05:16 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Toronto
Posts: 6
| If you're happy in recovery, you're in denial???
I'm the only member amongst my group of friends that has an addiction problem and one day they basically told me to shape up or find new friends. I shaped up and got clean and sober. I have a lot of friends in recovery but most of them are not in recovery. Some of them don't even drink or use drugs because they just choose not to. They are normal happy people. I'm a happy person too. Lately I've been struggling with some members in the rooms just pestering me. They treat me like I'm not normal, like I should be going through some sort of crisis and if my life is not dramatic then I must be in denial. I'm not saying that my life is perfect, but I am happy and some people's attitude towards my joyful deminure is really getting to me. It's almost as if they would feel better if I was miserable and neurotic. I get the comments such as "Of course, Sarah is always happy, her life is perfect ... blablabla"  It's difficult for me because I can't relate to most people in the rooms; I had a great childhood, good education, love, friends ... I simply loved to party too darn much, and I would use drugs to stay awake on those long study nights, it wasn’t a bright thing to do. It got out of control. I went to treatment and got my life back ... I'm happy. What is wrong with that? Why am I not OK (according to some) if I’m not going through some bouts of depression, or chaos? I'm starting to feel different; my sponsor is really being supportive but she can't really relate to my situation either. The only thing that is starting to affect my happiness is other people telling me that I can't be this happy unless I'm in denial. Maybe I’m projecting a few people’s opinion onto the rest of the fellowship … maybe I need to change some of my friends and make new friends that will accept me the way that I am … happy … for now :praying |
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11-05-2008, 05:43 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 4,857
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Im a happy camper in recovery too.... Sure some people are not happy unless others r miserable.....feeding on others misery..... Dont let anyone take away ur sunshine as this is told to me too. I was miserable for so long and anytime i would try to be happy, i was hushed up...shot down..... Like it wasnt normal for me to be happy. Well it is normal and it is healthy.... Today .....18 yrs sober and finally after an almost 26 yr marriage which just recently ended,,,,..... I am HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE. TO BE ME.  |
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11-05-2008, 05:55 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Member  |
I've learned to enjoy the happy parts of my life. These times come and go as do stresses and hard situations. I was giddy happy for the first year i was sober and program people didn't treat me weird about it...I have had to change friends within AA when I find that they bring me down. I prefer to be around people who support me as i learn how to better live a spiritual life sober.
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11-05-2008, 06:00 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Om, Aum, Ohm...  |
Crepe hangers. I looked at your profile. You've been sober awhile. Have you taken the steps and had a spiritual awakening as a result? Then why wouldn't you be happy, joyous and free? I get the same thing on occasion. I have a bunch of physical challenges and live with a lot of pain. Some people think I'm "stuffing" because I'm positive 99% of the time. Can I help it if I see my challenges as having inherent gifts? Spread the joy, sister. Peace & Love, Sugah
__________________  There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done Keep me in your heart for awhile ~WZ ANS 01/29/86 - 08/04/08 |
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11-05-2008, 06:04 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,870
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11-05-2008, 06:38 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 34,835
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I don't listen to the negetive people I know in or out of the AA program....  I'm sure you must have already heard this.... "I'm not responsible for what anyone else thinks of me" That works really good for me... 
__________________  Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!  |
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11-05-2008, 06:47 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| same planet...different world  |
yeah, if this is denial - bring it on! I'm sicker (physically) than I've ever been in this life... and I'm happier more at peace within myself contented at the lessons my actions have brought me in this world ... more than I *EVER* thought I could possibly be. And I've still got so far to go ... just hang with another group, hon. In recovery there's the people you WANT to be like... and the people ... you don't. There's people in recovery who talk about ideas, talk about what they're building in their worlds whether it's changing their window treatments or working on their cars ... who play cards together, who joke with love and true humor... their actions and words bring positive results. then there's those whose jokes are angry underneath who can only talk about other people. Come back and see them in a year and they still huddle in a corner whispering about people around them. There's no growth. No change. No recovery. The first kind of people are IN recovery. The second kind of people... are just not drinking. Run TO the first kind. SURROUND yourself with the first kind... Run AWAY from the second. I try to learn from both.
__________________  Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad. |
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11-05-2008, 07:48 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Being Me for the first time  |
as someone recently said you cant control stupid , what works for one isnt always for another , Dont let other peoples actions destroy what you have worked so hard to acheive . stick with whats workin for you ! I for one am a very happy camper , even with a lifes up and downs , why let it ruin what great things have happend , it will just spoil them .. 
__________________ Soberity is Flipping Fantastic! |
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11-05-2008, 08:23 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,126
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Hey Sarah29 ---- It seems that everyone has said all that I was going to say, so I'll just second, third, fourth, whateverth along and say to you.......: Don't worry; Be happy!!! I've had the same treatment as you've had Sarah--I've always been a rather 'happy camper' in recovery. I've realized that there is a contingent (and a not so small one at that) in AA that can't seem to discern between complacency and contentment. They seem to think that if a person isn't dealing with some 'issue' or struggling with some problem or grappling with their sobriety that that person is in denial and being complacent - the thought that that person could be content just never crosses their mind. It's a shame; they could be missing out on some really great contentment.... On a funnier note....I used to hang with some folks who used to bemoan the fact that they just didn't like themselves; they were trying, but they just couldn't get to being happy with themselves....When I told them that I loved myself; that I was totally content with myself; in fact that I preferred my own company over the company of others......I was accused of isolating...! Jeesh, sometimes you just can't win.....lol Well, Sarah, you just keep on keepin' on. Whatever you're doing it's right for you.....you keep on being happy.....wooooohooooo NoelleR P.S. ....not to brag (well, mebbe jes a wee bit), like CarolD, I've got a number of 24's of sobriety behind me, and with the exception of a few (and I really do mean FEW) days, for the most part of my 22+ sober years, they have been happy, joyous, and free......and clean and serene. So, there ya go Sarah, it's not only possible to be happy in recovery (and not in denial), but you can live this way for a long time too(and BTW, I have a number of close friends, all with 35+ years sober, and they would all agree here). So, in this case, this is a majority that is not all the fools on the same side, but it's a majority cause it's the TRUTH............. (o: |
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11-06-2008, 01:56 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member |
something I found interesting: Why People Don't Heal and How They Can if reading long articles bother you start on the fourth paragraph it explains perfectly many people I know with long term (20+ years) sobriety and their "sponsee families" and friends without getting in too much debate about the terms "recovered" and "recovery" the way it was explained to me was after I completed the twelve steps I was a "recovered" alcoholic, as in I had a disease that I would get a "daily reprieve" from and it would be "in remission" provided I followed a few simple guidelines. The guy who explained it to me got sober in 43' so I tend to listen pretty carefully what he had to say. That has been my experience, especially since I failed to follow those simple guidelines after many years and "relapsed" ( I hate that word, I F'ing drank lol) and the "climb back" has been tedious, but it's been my experience that once I get through the steps and get them integrated into my life and I'm generally a pretty fun and happy guy. It's also been my experience when I don't, I'm anything but fun. So, anyhow, like the saying "misery loves company" well I found that when I was "happy, joyous and free" the people who insisted on "remaining sick" would try to "invalidate" me in many different ways (put down my program, gossip about my sex life <although that got dull as I was with the same girl forever and a day, and she has 21 years now, it was just an example> etc) in order to "protect" their illness, and if you "call them" on it, the repercussions for me were ugly, people get nasty and "hit hard" to protect their mental illness I have found... Today, and for the last maybe, twelve-fourteen years or so, my "support group" or pals, or friends or whatever insist on having a good time and being happy, and I get a butt chew if I'm being a Gloomy Gus, which I have been lately, but for them, if I'm being consistently glum it's not because I'm doing something right, it's because I'm doing something wrong, if that makes sense. This doesn't mean I don't process my feelings etc, but they will definitely climb up my butt if I "wallow" Seems to me the Book even says we insist on having a good time. /shrug I guess for me that's what they mean by "stick with the winners" |
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11-06-2008, 02:34 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member |
some great advice here..let nothing steal youre joy..youve lived threw the hell of addiction why not be happy to be happy living sober and free of addiction.i had a rough life,bad childhood,etc,etc..but i aint walking around sulking and stealing others happinesss in recovery.i would look into going to differant meetings and even if no others are avalible i'd still go and be glad i could show the newcommer that they too can be happy straight..sarah, you just keep being sarah..
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11-06-2008, 02:39 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Life the gift of recovery!  Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 6,579
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I have learned that there are alcoholics who still thrive on drama. Many times to the extreme of creating it. When drama is not present in their lives they are bored and unhappy. Consider yourself fortunate. Personally, I would start looking for other friends who don't thrive on drama. Sobriety should leave a person happy, joyous and free. It sometimes takes a while for people to realize that serenity can be a life free of the drama. Good luck to you. Don't let others opinions get you down.
__________________ NOTE: All BB quotes are from the 1st Edition of the Big Book Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long. |
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11-06-2008, 05:01 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 661
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Unfortunately, everything that calls itself an AA group isn't. Sadly, they continue to hold meetings. These are the groups where you will hear the treatment center mantra that "you will always be a sick, suffering alcoholic". They seem to thrive off the high drama of being a "victim". In these meetings you will rarely hear solution. You will hear things like "take what you need, leave the rest", "take your time to work the steps", " you will always be recovering, you didn't get this sick overnight", and my favorite "meeting makers make it". I am a member of a strong purposeful group in AA. I am a recovered alcoholic. I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. My sponsor promised me that if I would sit down with him and do everything it says to do in the Big Book starting with the title page that when I reached the 10th step, I would take my awakened spirit out into the world to be of service to God and my fellow man. That was the hook I needed. The forward to the 12&12 gives me the greatest visions of hope I can think of....The steps are a group of principles spiritual in their nature that if practiced as a WAY OF LIFE will remove the obsession to drink alcohol and enable the sufferer to live happy and usefully whole. That was worth a million bucks to me. When we got to 10,11& 12, my sponsor said, this is where the fun begins. As I began to engage in practicing the principles in all my affairs I realized that I got to AA this time with more affairs than I had principles for. My home was intact, my job was intact this time and I had no principles to take with me to them. My affairs are simple...at work, at home, at play, and in AA. No other affairs left. When I bring a principled life to all of those, my God, how it opens up my life. Obligations squarely met in all those areas. Before you couldn't count on me, today you can. Service gladly rendered....at home? Of course!!!!! Try pitching in around the house without expecting anything in return, just the desire to bring to the table instead of take from the table. Try it at work. Sure, I get paid, but when I approach the workplace as an opportunity to be of service, it is amazing what happens. Again, what can I bring to the table instead of take from the table. This is how my life gets rich. I have found that it's hard not to be happy when I'm practicing this way of life. We talk a lot about "working" the steps and there is a lot of work involved. But from where I sit today, the "working" of the steps were preparation for the real work. When preparation meets opportunity miracles happen. I believe it is impossible to be unhappy if I am perating in all three legacies. It just doesn't seem possible, because when I live this way, my life opens right up and I'm taken to places I didn't know existed. Don't ever let anyone tell you, you can't have a life that has meaning, depth and purpose. If that's what you're experiencing around you, find some real alcoholics who have recovered.
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11-06-2008, 05:47 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 2,529
| Quote:
Hi Sarah. My sobriety is my business. I don't pay any attention to comments like the ones you sited. I've found that there are people who just thrive on drama, and negativity. They aren't happy unless their lives are in the toilet. They get attention by continuous griping about their sad state of affairs. These are the people I avoid because misery tends to love company. If you're happy, no one else has to understand why, and probably won't anyway because they're miserable and happy that way. Just keep on going, and don't worry about anything but YOUR sobriety. Other people's approval is not required for you to be happy.
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11-07-2008, 07:48 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Follow Directions!  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,745
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Sarah enjoy being happy, if those that are still miserable find your joy depressing just ask them "What step are you working on right now?" LOL I have a feeliing I know the answer!!!! What you are experienceing in the meetings you are going to is a polar opposite to the ones I go to. Several of my sponsee's have told me the reason they asked me to sponsor them was because I was happy and that is what they wanted as well. Why the hell would one want to be in recovery if they were not happy? Do not get me wrong, I still have my down in the mouth times because that is simply a part of life. People like you describe fit into the category of "Take what you want and leave the rest!"..... Basically if someone is saying something that you do not want or need to hear, then just leave it. Back when I was drinking I had more then one person tell me that I scared the crap out of them, I have never had any one say that to me since I got sober and took the steps.
__________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA |
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11-07-2008, 02:16 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Member  Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: N.C.
Posts: 18,391
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AGO great article,thanks for posting the link..I have a friend who I am going to pass this on too.He has bounced around to aa,ala non,coda,church,buddism and thats all I can keep up with... Quote:
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11-07-2008, 02:22 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: N.C.
Posts: 18,391
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Wayne B has a workshop he does.He makes some great points concerning feeding off the group. He says some alcoholics go to meetings to lay out before the group seeking their advice for their problems. They get a false mental sense of being loved,wanted and needed out of it.,They leave the meeting feeling better,and then life happens.They go downhill mentally and return to the group doing the same thing looking for a group fix.They get caught up in this cycle over and over. Unless they take the right action(the steps) they stay in this cycle and many get drunk and die. He says he believes all this group therapy stuff feeds a mental craving,a sub conscience craving,not the mental obsession to drink or the physical which is described in the Dr`s Opinion.It is entirely a different thing.A different mental problem that mostly goes un noticed in alcoholics interesting..... |
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11-09-2008, 07:47 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Member  Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
| Quote:
I love my program and my sponsor, I will pass on to you what he and other loving friends have taught me. People in AA are sick but that's OK. People in AA are not in charge of my sobriety, my serenity, my program or my life. I am in charge of those things. It falls into the To Thine Own Self Be True area of my recovery. My sponsor would say I don't need those people to accept me, I must absolutely accept them, that's all that God asks of me. When I say the Lords prayer, there's only one thing I'm asked to do. When I'm able to do that one thing I live in peace. God's Peace
__________________ "Don't be like me Jake, be better than me." Lucien Wilbanks - A TIME TO KILL | |
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11-10-2008, 07:50 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 1,395
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".....They treat me like I'm not normal, like I should be going through some sort of crisis and if my life is not dramatic then I must be in denial....." hey, me, too my friends are nice enough to create the drama for me. of course, by doing it for me, they get to have their own drama going on and can validate that they themselves are not in denial. it's much easier for them to place the blame, attention, gossip on me and not take responsibility for their own behavior. so in my own way, i look at it as a kind of aa service that i'm helping them out by allowing them to focus negatively on me so they can avoid facing their own problems. pardonmeforasking, do you guys think i am doing the right thing? because, to be honest, i have a feeling the higher power might be screwing around with me. i mean, isn't the guy upstairs suppose to be just, fair as opposed to unjust? best frankie |
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11-10-2008, 08:10 AM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Hotel California
Posts: 175
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Wow, that is terrific that you are happy. Don't let anyone take that away from you. I look at people in the program that are happy and want "what they have" and try to learn from them. I struggle with being positive and happy myself but am happy for those that find happiness. I hope you find a way to deal with those that might be "sicker than others". Warm Wishes - R |
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11-10-2008, 10:49 AM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: May 2008 Location: UK
Posts: 470
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I think Navysteve hit it on the head when he said, try to look for other groups, that you feel more comfortable with. There is one group in my local area in particular that seems to be dominated with depressives, as i call them, sorry if i'm being judgmental. I started initially going to this group, but upon trying out other groups, i found one that i was more comfortable with. Within my locality there are two distinct cliques really. I prefer to look for direction to my problems, rather than using the group to pour these problems out. With that comes a more positive vibe. So i tend to stick with the clique that is like this. It doesn't mean however that i stay away totally from the original group i met. This original group in particular is good in coming to terms with step 1. All the talking of their history of drinking days, affirms to me that i am an alcoholic. Whereas the group i choose, tends to dwell on the positives of a sober lifestyle, rather than the negatives of a drinking one. Hope i am making sense. Paul |
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