Am I just being to fussy?

[Celebration1994]

My sponsor died of a brain anuerisom over a year ago. I don't know if I am complicating this or just being fussy, but I am really having a tuff time finding a sponsor. I do identify with quite a few women, but wow so far most are going through their own stuff and I don't want to get caught up in that....have enough with my sponsees. I have been using AA and bringing up my stuff at the tables and talking on the phone a bit. One woman I was going to ask, I called, and she started on all the stuff she was going through and ended up asking me to be her sponsor. I have been reading the BB and of course I know it does not mention having a sponsor. I now find this as a reason to not look for one, and rely on my sober friends and the meetings, and my HP. Maybe I will wait a bit and listen some more....any opinions on this plz.

sober since 6/10/1994

[ananda]

It is truley your decision, but I do know many people in our area who have 25-30 years don't have sponsors cause sponsorship was not emphasised at the time they came in the program...they don't have a problem with it...and understand the value of sponsorhip for people....just not "how they learned the program"

In time with my first sponsor we actually became more friends and "co-sponsee".

[CarolD]

Hmm..
In '89...3 women declined to be my sponsor.
In '92 I finished my Steps ...used 4 women
in 2 states for that.

I stay strongly commected to God...AA meetings and women.
I have not missed having a sponsor.

When I sponsor ..I do it from our guideline...
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

I wonder why you feel the need for a sponsor
at this point in your recovery?
Hope you find what works for you...

[lizw]

An Al Anon lady sponsors me and she kicks a**.
I am so lucky to have her and love her dearly.
I use to have an AA one too but she didn't 'have what I wanted' so after 6 months (if that) I just stopped calling her.

Lo, my sponsor, has been my sponsor for 4/5 years now.
And I been sober 10.
Dunno what I'd do without her either.

A few years ago, if someone had told me I'd have an Al Anon sponsor rather than an AA one, I wouldn't have believed it. Doing something like that (in my mind) would've been like signing my own death wish.

But Lo has probably taught me more about living life than anyone is AA.
I don't think this would have been the case though when I first got sober.

I always feel a tad sad when I hear people have found it difficult to get sponsors, as in someways for me, sponsorship has also been about forming and sustaining a relationship with another person.

I had another one recently who was helping me with my SLAA stuff/steps (Sex and Love Addicts Anon) but that didn't work out and like you said, she just got caught up in her own stuff and it all got a bit messy.

[kj3880]

Man this is the topic of the week for me, too. I just fired my second sponsor. There's been a lot of awful stuff that's happened to me with that. The first one violated my anonymity by explaining to my young son that I was an addict (which I'd asked her not to do) and the second one couldn't accept the fact that I can only go to about 3 meetings a week. I'm sad about that one, because the friendship is ruined. I didn't handle it well, and to be fair, neither did she. It was like an ugly break-up. So after 7 months in the NA program, I'm thinking about looking at women in AA to sponsor me. In this area, it sure seems like there are more women in AA that have "something I want" than in NA. How would you ladies in AA feel if an NA'er asked you to be their sponsor? Is it something that you would consider if the woman agreed to follow the AA literature in the stepwork?
KJ

[ananda]

I would not limit my sponsoring or being sponsored to any particular program. Anyone working the steps regardless of the program they are working it in....if the person seems to be someone I can relate to and who talks about the steps in a way that I can understand. We have many alchoholic/addicts in our AA meetings and many are sponsored by people who do not identify themselves as addicts or attend NA...seems to be working out well for most....Probably an individual decision.

[TheVicar]

If you think you're being fussy, go for a co-sponser. Then you at least have someone to dump your crap on besides the next meeting, husband, boy-friend, etc.

[lizw]

Originally Posted by kj3880

How would you ladies in AA feel if an NA'er asked you to be their sponsor? Is it something that you would consider if the woman agreed to follow the AA literature in the stepwork?
KJ

I'd do with them what my sponsor did with me, which is all from the AA big book and the 12 steps and trads and depending on how it went, I'd suggest we do 3 - 9 and that the person keep looking for an NA sponsor unless, they would also identify as an alcoholic and also attend AA.

[bugsworth]

Terry...I am sorry to bust in on this thread but you are sober 14 years...what do you need a sponsor for? Seriously I would like to know? My sponsor was only sober a couple of years and she was crazy as a loon. If I had listened to her I would be drunk. What is it you need now in your sobriety? I ask because I am seriously curious. My God....14 years...it boggles my mind this program, makes one believe they are sick forever.

[Paulie]

I have 13 years clean and sober and I still have a sponsor and I still work the steps, go to meetings and sponsor other women. This is a lifelong thing for me. As long as I want to stay clean and sober I will do these things.

IMO a person does not work the steps once (from either program) and that is it. We do them over and over. I have worked them a few times focusing on things other then drug use.


Terry - I am sorry you lost your sponsor, that is very sad. Try and remember that maybe your HP is trying to put you into one of those womens life that you say 'is going through stuff' we never know what the lesson for us is.

Reach out, be open minded. What would your sponsor say about your question?

[bugsworth]

No disrespect meant but I don't understand why one would need a "sponsor" after a decade of sobriety.I was under the impression sponsors were meant to guide one through the steps...aa was originally designed to be a program that reintroduced alcoholics to mainstream society...recovered...not ailing after 14 years, in need of guidance. God is now in charge.

[Sugah]

I know a woman who's twenty-seven years sober, and she says she relies on her sponsor more now than she did the first ten years she was sober. She'll also tell you that she didn't work any steps or have a real sponsor for the first six. I know a bit about what's going on in her life, and I can see why she is comfortable with near daily contact with her sponsor now.

I have the same sponsor with whom I worked the steps in the first year. We talked almost daily during that time and met at least once a week for what we always called "an hour," but almost always turned into four or five. Then, over the next year, our calls became less frequent. I have gone through times where I've talked to her once a week, but typically, I check in once every month or two. Lots of women, including ones with a lot less "time" than I have, have guided me in her place. If that guidance is anchored in the steps, ultimately, it's just an objective perspective I'm looking for.

Although I do think it's important that we have a "first line of defense" - one particular person who knows us well and who won't pull punches with us, I think that changes after formal step work. At least, it has for me and for those I sponsor. If we continued to follow the "call your sponsor every day" suggestion I hear so often, how many people could we really help? I won't work with more than three people who are in the midst of step work for the first time unless there's really no one else to sponsor them. So, if I'm getting daily phone calls and meeting with them weekly, along with those who now have years sober - at what point does sponsorship become my life instead of my avocation? I have three people I sponsor with multiple years sober who call me about once a week. Those conversations, with one exception, don't often go beyond five or ten minutes each. I have another who shares the same home group with me, and I see her at least once a week. I only have one right now in the midst of her steps, and I have more or less daily contact with her.

I'm not advocating for the abolition of sponsorship. I'm just questioning what others' needs are for sponsorship beyond a certain point in sobriety.

My sponsor is going through a lot of crap right now. When I have expressed a hesitation to call her ("You've already got so much on your plate"), she reminds me that if she's helping me, she can't be stuck in her head over her own problems. So, though I don't call her often, I try to remember that it's a two-way street. We help each other.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Sugah]

P.S. To kj: Yes, I would sponsor someone in NA. The only requirement would be that we use the Big Book, as that's the way I worked the steps and I have no experience with any other method. I don't have any "requirements" with what meetings she attends or how she identifies, only that I don't know how to work with someone who's just not willing to go to meetings.

[Celebration1994]

Hi bugsworth...The reason I am looking for a sponsor is because, when I am going through some very personal stuff, or need to make some huge decisions, it is just nice to have someone there who knows me and I trust to bounce it off, that understands the alcoholic thinking. Also if I am called to help with an intervention, it is great having someone with time with me. A good example of this was a few years ago, my sponsor and I had to go see a girl @ 8:30am who was drunk and was alone with her 3 month old baby. We talked with her and she finally put the baby in my arms and agreed to go to detox. If I had no one to call to go at that hour, who she also knew and knew it was my sponsor, I would have had to call the police and the outcome could have been different. I am a mandated reporter, so when called about the situation, I had to call child protective and tell them our plan for the child and the mother. It all worked out well and I had a baby in my custody for 11 days until the mom was released from detox and set up with a case worker and counselor, with a safe environment for both to be reunited. Also my sponsor ended up being a very close friend to me, which was nice.

Is a sponsor necessary for me...not really, but it doesn't harm me, and finding another may open up another friendship to cherish. It's not so much about the drinking as much as it is about...accountability and someone willing to be there, and be a good trustworthy friend, and listening to someone elses spin on stuff.

I have a disease, that cannot be cured, so yes I will always be sick....but by staying sober I can still have a life that is happy, joyous, and free.

And yes I also sponsor women in NA as well as AA

[bugsworth]

I understand the need for friends Celebration...I am after all human. Please understand I am truly baffled by this.

Is your thinking alcoholic? Is it necessary to define yourself that way? Are you not recovered?

Friendship takes years to cultivate.....a common problem is not something that one would think necessitates a trustworthy friend.

Forgive me if I have offended you...it was not my intent.

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by bugsworth

14 years...it boggles my mind this program, makes one believe they are sick forever.

I agree with you, but I want to make a clarification to your post. It is not the program that keeps people sick. It is people, many still suffering from untreated alcoholism, just waiting for the disease "that's outside doing pushups". this is not my experince, and it saddens me to see folks with long term sobriety who can't go to weddings etc.. for fear they may be "triggered" It's sure not how I want to live.

My book tells me, I have recovered and have been given the power to help others. That is my experience as long as I maintain my spiritual fitness. My drinking problem has been removed, it no longer exists for me. Everyone I know who is doing the work, is in a recovered state and lives a life of blessing and opportunity, they are free. Far too many people have been sold short the power of the 12 steps, and have been given a middle of the road solution which is heard far to often in meetings on a daily basis.

A lot of folks in AA believe they will always be sick. A lot of folks in AA drink again. I believe God will keep me sober the rest of my life, like you I believe we create our own reality,today mine does not incude fear of alcohol.

The 12 steps, If embraced with a truly open mind and a willingness to set aside what we think we know, will bring about a spiritual awakening sufficient to recover from alcoholism. I've never seen it not work, for anyone who has fully done the work.

[daydream]

I still have a sponsor because I ain't done growing yet. While I might be able to stay clean without a sponsor, I would surely miss out on all the benefits. My sponsor knows me better than anyone does and she won't hesitate to point out my patterns, faulty thinking, my assets and what spiritual principles I need to work on. I have worked the steps more than once, but more continues to be revealed. I did not get cured from character defects the first time around. I know a lot of people in recovery, but where I live, people don't much get into other people's business. I could quit meetings and nobody but my sponsor would call (been there, done that more than once). I could quit working steps and no one else would realize it, but my sponsor. She has a bird's eye view of my life because she is the one person I tell everything to. No one but my sponsor has all the info about me, thus she is in the best position to help me stay on the right track. I realize some people don't understand the need for a sponsor after working the steps. I , on the other hand, think those people have no idea what they're missing

[Cathy31]

Back on topic...

I am finding the same thing re female sponsors...I had a male sponsor who was great, was a real sponsor sponsee relationship...it ran its course and I've been looking around and found someone with great sobriety I guess it just takes TIME and EFFORT. I am now on step 8. I'd like to rekindle what i had with my first sponsor....someone as you say Celebration to bounce things off, someone who really knows me, someone to be accountable to when I'm being lazy with my stepwork, someone to help with 12 step calls etc etc I mean I've realised that having a great sponsor is actually a real privilege...soooo....

No, I don't think you are being fussy. I think the right woman will present herself. I don't think you need to worry about it...you're using what's available to you now (other women, the program, meetings, big book, etc) at this stage IMHO when you do get a new sponsor (and you'll know when its the right one) it will be a wonderful addition.

I've realised you can never be too fussy with a sponsor! As I said it's a real privilege but it's got to be the right one...perhaps like Carol you (and maybe I) will not have a formal sponsor per se...I have a great lady who I am wondering if I might ask to do my step 8 with me as me and new sponsor just don't seem to be getting together, she lives far away etc...in fact this lady (22 years) asked me to stand in for her sponsor as the sponsor was not available...so I think it's just all of us helping one anotehr and if we are lucky enough to get that 'special' someone once, twice, moreover, then super!

Just my 2 cents!

Cathy31
x

[Celebration1994]

My sobriety after all these years does not stop me from going to the theatre, where alcohol is served, also restaurants, weddings, parties, going to hear jazz in bars etc. I am talking more along the lines of needing other opinions on issues from people who have been through what I may be going through. Such as needing to remember that I shouldn't project on certain health issues I have....reminding me to pray a bit more... to help someone..just to get outside of myself at times, when I feel stressed or anxious. There are still times I need others because I get angry and just need to be reminded this to shall pass, in my HP's time not mine. I still at times try to control situations, with my grown children and need to be reminded they need to make their own mistakes, and to not try to save them. I need to identify with other alcoholics to remain humble and not unique at times.

Am I recovered...according to the BB yes...according to NY State, My disease is arrested, according to me, I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. How do I stay sober...my HP, 12 steps...1 day at a time.

[Tazman53]

Celebration having gone through the steps with my sponsor I understand where you are coming from although I do not have the amount of experience you have.

The relationship my sponsor and I have has evolved greatly, as he took me through the steps, he always emphasized "Recovered", and I can say most of the time I am "recovered", but I do have my days either simply resting on my laurels or simply stepping back into some of my old ways thereby going back to "Recovering".

When my sponsor and I first got together he was a mentor and a guide, we spoke daily and formally met at least once a week. Today he is a trusted friend and we mentor and guide each other. He knows me like no other person. Do not get me wrong, my wife knows me as well as he does, but my wife does not understand my alcoholism, my sponsor does.

Celebration if you have people in the program you trust and can talk to right now I would not be in a real hurry to find another sponsor, I know for me I on occasion think of switching sponsors, one of the reasons being my sponsor has told me more then once that as we grow in our sobriety we begin to seek other things that others have that our present sponsor may not have. Heck he switched sponsors about a year ago.

The 12 steps, If embraced with a truly open mind and a willingness to set aside what we think we know, will bring about a spiritual awakening sufficient to recover from alcoholism. I've never seen it not work, for anyone who has fully done the work.

Well said Rob, we share the same experience, this was shared/given to me by my sponsor as he took me through the steps. Having been taken through the steps by a "recovered" alcoholic, I know where you are coming from.

[navysteve]

I would not limit my sponsoring or being sponsored to any particular program

That is a great idea that many have followed. Also, the term spiritual advisor...

Bill Wilson had Father Dowling

[Paulie]

I still have a sponsor because I ain't done growing yet. While I might be able to stay clean without a sponsor, I would surely miss out on all the benefits. My sponsor knows me better than anyone does and she won't hesitate to point out my patterns, faulty thinking, my assets and what spiritual principles I need to work on. I have worked the steps more than once, but more continues to be revealed. I did not get cured from character defects the first time around.

Ditto to that. I am on my 4th time through the steps, each time I learn more and grow more. My sponsor is a dear friend of mine. And IMO I cannot sponsor others without having a sponsor myself. That is what I was taught when I got clean, and I have learned over the years 'if it aint broken, dont fix it'!!!

I say get a sponsor, work the steps again. Nothing is in stone, if you pick someone and it is not comfortable, pick someone else. Just ask your HP for guidance because in my experience sometimes are heads can lead us wrong.

And as for 'recovered' me......hmmmm I dont know. I think if I tell my self I am recovered, I might get a bit full of myself and thing I can use or drink again. And I dont want to take that chance. I am a work in progress.....

[Tazman53]

Paulie the term "Recovered" in the BB is refering to being restored to a sound mind and body, it constantly reminds one that we are never cured of alcoholism.

I will be the first to admit that there are times I am "recovered" and other times I am "recovering'! LOL

[Paulie]

Thanks Taz. I was responding to this comment.....
And I agree with you completely...some days, not so recovered LOL

Is your thinking alcoholic? Is it necessary to define yourself that way? Are you not recovered?

[NoelleR]

Yes, I know that many folks in recovery today believe that.....a sponsor is a person who guides us through the steps, and that one of the requirements(sic) of a sponsor is that they also should have and be using a sponsor.....

When I first started out in recovery neither of these suggestions was made to me. In fact, I had never heard the deal about a sponsor having and using a sponsor of their own until I came to these boards. What was suggested to me was that I read the pamphlet on sponsorship -- Questions and Answers on Sponsorship -- and go by that in choosing a sponsor for myself, and this is what I did, and it worked.....and it's worked!!! (o:

In this pamphlet it lists a lot of things one might look for in a sponsor, but for that person to have and be using a sponsor of their own just isn't in there; it also doesn't define a sponsor as a person who guides us through the steps.....huh.... In fact all through the Q&A pamphlet it refers to the relationship with a sponsor as being.........: sponsor and NEWCOMER. Nowhere does it mention that one needs to keep up a sponsor relationship forever.....and the only mention of the steps is under 'What does a sponsor do?' and all it says is that a sponsor goes over the meaning of the Twelve Steps, and emphasizes their importance.....

Now.....all that being said, plz don't think I'm putting down the sponsorship relationship, or that one does not need a sponsor.....I'm definitely NOT saying either of these.....I had a sponsor who, not only helped me with working the steps, but they also were a great help to me in many areas in my early recovery, when I was a newcomer. Since I no longer consider myself a newcomer (and yes, I do consider myself 'recovered'), I no longer have a 'sponsor,' but I do have certain very close friends in recovery whom I trust and whom I can go to when in need and/or for accountability. My original sponsor has moved out of state, but we still keep in touch. I love the last line in the Q&A pamphlet under 'When and how does a sponsor let the newcomer go?' ....and I say it often myself.....: Now we sponsor each other...... (o:

Obviously, like everyone else here, these are just my opinions.....based on my experience(s) in recovery.....on this road of happy destiny, so to speak.

My one and only suggestion to a person seeking a sponsor, or information on sponsorship, would be to get and read AA's pamphlet on sponsorship -- Questions and Answers on Sponsorship.....

BTW, it can be read online (it's in pdf format).....: Alcoholics Anonymous : Questions & Answers on Sponsorship


Happy travelling Y'all,
NoelleR