Me, inflexible?

[RufusACanal]

Sitting on our back porch last night after work, my Wife turned to me after I had finished commenting on my day and said in a kind and loving voice that I was at times, inflexible. She paused and went on to describe my inflexibility. For once, I did not interrupt, but instead I listened intensely. After she finished, I was stunned, because every word was the truth. No one alive knows me better than Elsa. To say that I have moments of pure and unadulterated insanity would be kind; I can be completely intolerant and petulant without regard, but inflexible? Me, inflexible?

She said that I usually formed a strict representation of a person; what I think that person is and how they should be and I literally cast that person permanently into that form or position. So when that individual does anything outside the norm, I am immediately conflicted because they no longer fit into my portrayal that I have so cunning crafted. This behavior was one of my Mother’s; to say I despised it would be an understatement. The rigidity and intolerance coupled with personal perfectionism that my Mother displayed for years was a horror show on wheels and I would have gladly picked intoxication rather than live in a world so studded with the fear and hate .

I swore I would never be like her and for over 35 years I almost effectively purged myself of her taint; more truthfully I began to see the destructive traits and worked to live more freely by turning my will and life over to the care of something greater. Now, much to my chagrin, I am once again falling into the patterns most disgusting to me. I am not offended by my Wife’s love extended in this conversation; I am stunned that I have moved backwards in my New Life. OK, so some of the symptoms where there; denial, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, but to my thinking they were as transient as anything else and simply part of normal living. No, I had cracked open the door to self and here I am now, Mr. Ass****.

I have been pissed off again at most everything in life. Those closest in my life has caught the sharp edge of my tongue and I have finally found myself once again in my own analogue; standing in a parking lot of an employer Funeral Home in 1999, I thought everyone around me was wrong. Moments later, I realized that it was me that was the culprit and one would think that after having this spiritual awakening I would be more prepared when it reared its ugly head again. I was not, because I had rested on my laurels.

Peace is returning and I am looking at how I can once again let God be God and me be me. This is not easy, especially when my sense of “right” gets in the way. A New Life is much more than the simple beginning of not drinking one day at a time. As I learn more I will write. I am a lucky man today.

[nandm]

Your title brought a smile to my face. I to struggle with inflexibility. Thanks for sharing I needed to hear that today.

[Astro]

Rigorously honest. Thank you for sharing.

[Freedom1990]

You could have been talking about my mother and me!

I was around a year sober when I said something to my oldest daughter, can't recall exactly what it was, but it hit me like a ton of bricks that I sounded exactly like my mother, and not in a good way.

The rigidity/inflexibility was also the thing that I despised the most in my mother, and it was incredibly painful to realize I had become her, and I was sober!

It was also very freeing because I could move on from then.

I too have had that come up and bite me in the butt when I've become complacent, so don't beat yourself up.

We strive for progress my friend, not perfection. :ghug2

[RufusACanal]

Much love to you all.

[lizw]

Dunno if you come from an alcoholic home, but rigid thikning is one of the symptoms. And like you, in my mind, I have 'things' that have to be done 'this way' and expectations that people should be 'this way.' I am also either a chronic inforcer of 'rules' or I completely ignore them.

I suppose being alcoholics, we created alcoholic homes too.

An example of rigid thinking in me is my daughter's bedtime is 9.30pm and I can get quite fixated on the idea that she has to be in bed at 9.30. Not 9.40, 9.33 or 9.35, 9.30. I mean really, what the hell is a couple of minutes? But it really seems like heaps when I am on a roll!

[bugsworth]

Love to you Rufus as I have your permission to post on your threads, much to the chagrin of your peers. It seems no matter how hard we try we emulate the ones who raised us we fall short. It does not mean that we are moving backwards, it only means the path forward is littered with more debris than we anticipated.

Your tongue while sharp may only be a weapon if you choose to wield it, your attachment to past indiscretions become barriers to the new life which you seek.

As peace returns and serenity becomes commonplace you will find much to do about nothing. Your tongue is not a worthy adversary. Peace to you and Elsa.

[FightingIrish]

i can totally relate. i hate turning into my mother! i do it all the time!

[Tazman53]

Great share Rufus, it demonstrates to me some one who is working a good program and is continually and honestly working on ones self.

I am stunned that I have moved backwards in my New Life. OK, so some of the symptoms where there; denial, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, but to my thinking they were as transient as anything else and simply part of normal living. No, I had cracked open the door to self and here I am now, Mr. Ass****.

I see the same thing in myself at times. The important thing Rufus which you have done is to acknowledge it and are taking actions to change.

This is one of the great things I have found due to having taken the steps, I am able to accept critisism from those that know me and care for me and to take my own inventory and change where I need to change.

The steps have given me the ability to admit I am wrong and instead of making snide remarks, or getting a resentment against the person who pointed out I was wrong, I am able to work on changing me.

[Tommyh]

being too rigid is a trademark of alcoholics.It has been in my case.My second sponsor brought it to my attention one day.Who me?Rigid?
Of course he was right.The more rigid I am,the less happy I am,the more flexible I am,the happier I am.
Thanks for bring this up Ron.
Today,I will try to be more flexible

[navysteve]

one would think that after having this spiritual awakening I would be more prepared when it reared its ugly head again. I was not, because I had rested on my laurels.

That sentence stuck with me. I stopped working the program for 7 years because of such behavior. I had done all the stuff we do very early in my recovery. There was no waiting a year to work steps. I got busy and I reaped rewards. I made amends with my Dad and when we buried him I was at peace. Yet somewhere along the line I stopped doing the one thing that had worked. In 1995 I had moved to Texas and I began to think AA down here wasn't for me. I didn't like it, I began to feel resentful towards them and one exploded on my home group, I essentially left AA.

9-11-2001 was a busy day for me. A horrible day beyond imagine. I won't get into the details but I couldn't phone an AA member if I wanted to. I had no human power around me. After being on my feet for well over 24 hours it was my turn to go to the armory and unload. Just outside there was a group of guys in a circle laughing and carrying on. I could use a good laugh...

They were gathered around a Keg that had been procured

A frightening thought entered my mind ( you deserve this after what you have been through and seen!)

A buddy of mine invited me over, I politely refused, found a place to be alone and began praying. I asked God to remove this obsession to drink ( it was all I was thinking about at almost 12 years!). During my prayer I saw in my minds eye the trail that lead me to this feeling. It was not the Taliban, nor my ex wife, nor any pompous AA people! It was me, years ago in a church basement, my resentment was still there. And it only existed because I rested. I cut the chord that day to that resentment. I eventually made it back to AA, found a sponsor, and found peace

[Harley3801]

.
Thank you so much for that honest, heartfelt post, Rufus. I often find myself falling into the exact trap you've described without even realizing it. That's why I need to stay close to AA . . . . I need that constant reminder to be the person I'm supposed to be . . . not the person my dangerous mind tells me that I am.

[RufusACanal]

Steve,

Your post was one of the most clear I have read since coming to SR. Taking nothing away from the many good folks here or their experiences this post today made sense in a way few have.

I can go on and on, but suffice to say this, I am responsible to contact God, not the other way around, I am responibile to pull my head out of those dark places that I tend to go, I am responsible to know that this too shall pass. It is also easier, far easier if I do not do any of this alone.

Thank you for your powerful response my friend.

[navysteve]

Rufus,
My pleasure. You started it anyway

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

For once, I did not interrupt, but instead I listened intensely. After she finished, I was stunned, because every word was the truth. No one alive knows me better than Elsa.

Sounds like you have a good source for constructive feedback and "true humility". Not the kind that the church teaches that leads to fear, guilt and shame but the kind that Bill Wilson teaches on page 58 of the 12&12:

"Humility...a clear recognition of what and who we really are followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be".