Sponsor Issue

[GTO]

OK, here it goes -

I started to attend AA back in June after a detox. I called a local AA chapter and some folks met me; from there I began to attend meetings.

The person I met offered to become my sponsor. I was never really comfortable with him and felt he was condescending to me. He took me through a couple of steps then I got really turned off. Subsequently I quit going to meetings.

I had a relapse and in desperation I contacted him. A mistake in my opinion in retrospect. We agreed to attend a meeting so I join him, his father and another guy. On the way to the meeting, the guy's father gives me a bit of friendly advice "don't interrupt people in mid sentence and listen more". OK, fine, never thought I did that but fine. (I asked friends and people at work and was told I don't do that and in fact, I'm a great listener). We get to the meeting, I'm greeted very warmly then we break out into groups.

In our group a debate starts when a couple of folks start talking about their drug problems. AA is not for drug addicted folks and this goes back and forth. I completely stay out of it until somebody says how NA and AA basically have the same steps. I say "from what I understand, the steps are similar" and say nothing more. The next second, I get a hit on the shoulder from my sponsor telling me to shut up and I'm too new to say that. OK again.

Go to a meeting the next night, when we go to break into groups, he walks up to me and basically tells me to keep quiet and just listen.

Now I'm just really turned off and I mean turned off. So turned off that I need to look for another way to stay sober in my opinion. Even changing sponsors at this point, in my opinion won't change my attitude.

Just venting, thanks for reading.

[sugErspun]

Whereabouts do you live?

This isn't the AA I know - but I have seen it. Toxic.

[Freedom1990]

That isn't the AA I know either.

[GTO]

I'm from the Northwest suburbs of Chicago.

[TTOSBT]

I am so sorry.
You have every right to speak, new or not.
That really makes me angry when people in AA behave that way. Don't leave!
Have you seen or met anyone in the meetings that seem like they have what you want in terms of sobriety? If so, I would go up, introducew yourself and ask for their number. I would start talking to other men in the probram that seem emotionally sober and healthy. Stick with the winners!

[ananda]

If your area is big enough, try going to a completely different meeting and take a little time listening to people before choosing a sponsor. Some meetings in my area would have really turned me off AA...other groups would not of.

just an idea...and nothin wrong with checking out other recovery programs as well.....open minded and willing and all that...there are stickys with info on other programs.

Thanks for sharing and allowing us to share with you!

[Jfanagle]

I suspect that the passengers on the Titanic were turned off to cruising! Your experience predicated on the years that I have attended AA is not "typical."

If I were you and this is simply my suggestion, I would call the AA hotline and ask for a directory of meetings, and I am willing to bet that there is one available on the internet. I know California groups post most meetings and brief descriptions on the web. Try a whole new meeting and listen for someone sharing who sounds like someone that you understand and agree with. We are in the rooms, it isn't about control for everyone. Remember everyone is an alcoholic and that doesn't make for a bastion of mental health!

AA has saved several of us, so I wish you well and please know there are very good meetings and groups across the country.

Jon

[Clutch B]

The "old-fashioned" sponsors can be quite abrasive.

When my fiance got sober 19 years ago, his nickname was "Dummy" and he wasn't allowed to talk in meetings without his sponsor interrupting him.

He said that was common back in those days. But it is much less common today.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Perhaps there are other meetings to go to? Every group is different. I hope you can find a place that works better for you.


* * * I will add -- my fiance does NOT treat his sponsees the way he was treated. He treats them with dignity and respect.

[Latte]

I went through several sponsors before I found one I could work with. That is what is great about AA, if it isn't working out with a sponsor finding a new one, as long as you keep asking, isn't too hard. There are quite a few alcoholics around these parts.

[Paulie]

Even changing sponsors at this point, in my opinion won't change my attitude.

That is your disease talking.

Move on, find a new sponsor, they are not all like that. I too have heard stories of sponsors like that. You dont have to keep him as your sponsor just because he offered to sponsor you.

And please dont listen to your disease.

[Chops]

Paulie is right, change sponsors and or change meetings but if your like me you may be looking for any reason to bail out of the program.......

The disease is just doing a flanking manuever to come at you another way.

AA is made up of people and thus you will be around alot of flawed people, the program is bigger than any person's ego and or character defects, it will take care of you.

I can't stand 50% of the people in meetings, but AA helps me live in society and that number of people who annoy me is much higher, for me, dropping out of society is not option so neither is dropping out of AA.

Hope is you stick around.

C

[tkdan]

Hey GTO, welcome to SR. I've heared people share before about how their sponsor basically dictated how they live as a requirement in order to be sponsored by them. The way I see it. I need to go through the steps. I need someone to take me through the steps. I need someone to tell me if I'm dragging my feet too much. I do not need someone to tell me how to live my life. If I feel like I need someone to wipe my a$$ for me I'll call my mom. Sorry if this is harsh but this really gets under my skin.
This is your recovery!!! You are responsible for how it goes. If you relapse it is your fault. If you have a lasting sobriety it is because you worked at it. A sponsor is kind of like a tool, the right one makes the work easier. Please do not be turned off about AA. The program works, don't give up on it.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR!

[nandm]

GTO, Welcome to SR and our alcoholism 12 step forum!:ghug

[Pinkcuda]

Your Sponsor is out of line in my opinion.
As a rule I tell people to stay away from those that prey upon the newcomer and immediatley offer to sponsor them.
Most of them are dillusional.

[RufusACanal]

Welcome to SR. Are you sober today?

[GTO]

Thanks for the responses everyone and yes I am sober today and have been for a few days now.

[navysteve]

The "old-fashioned" sponsors can be quite abrasive.

That is not true AA. That is not Old- TIme AA. That gets called old time AA and it isn't altogether true. Sure, when dealing with low-bottom drunks there was a need to be abrasive, but the Big Book has no chapter titled sit down and shut up.

From the Big Book:

The very practical approach to his problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind, the informality, the genuine democracy, the uncanny understanding which these people had were irresistible. pg 160.

That is old-time AA. Lack of intolerance, democracy. How does sit-down and shut up fall into that?

Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people’s shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs pg 19-20

I don't read sit down and shut up in there either.

The point I am getting at is that sort of crap is not AA. Its called being a bully. Many sick folks come into these rooms and many stay sick. Knowing AA catch phrases is great. Knowing the program may save your life.

Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. pg 164.

Suggestive only. Now contamplate that against your sponsors behavior. Ask him to read these and do an inventory of his behavior. Then get someone who knows the Big Book.


Quote Source:
Alcoholics Anonymous First Edition

[lizw]

It all sounds pretty wacky to me.

When I was newly sober I had some older AA members say some pretty abusive/weird things to me too. So I gave them a wide berth.

I also have a tendency to taint everyone with the same brush. I.e. a couple of religious people I know are pretty nutty there for they must all be nutty. Obviously this is not true, but this is the kind of informaition my mind feds me.

I hope you do check out some other meetings, away from those folks. It has been my expereince AA offers more than just stopping drinking. We learn to live a way of life which is fulfilling.

Take it easy

[AW2486]

A lot of great suggestions already... I will offer one too.. Start reading the Big Book. That is where the program is outlined, and in your search for a new sponsor.. find one that will help go through the steps outlined in that book.

And if your looking for a new meeting ... Try a Big Book study meeting.

[Tommyh]

there are some meetings where they will not let a newcomer share until their sponsor gets them thru the steps.I read something from one of them that states,nowhere in the traditions does it state we have to let new people talk.I`ll look it up and post it if I can find it.

[navysteve]

there are some meetings where they will not let a newcomer share until their sponsor gets them thru the steps.I read something from one of them that states,nowhere in the traditions does it state we have to let new people talk.I`ll look it up and post it if I can find it.

I know many of the Back to Basics meetings have that requirement. And you are right there are no requirements. The 4th tradition gives groups the right to run their meeting the way they see fit. Absolutely 100% correct. That is why over the years AA meetings have had the right to deny African Americans, women, homosexuals. AA meetings have done these things and more. And the 4th tradition allows them to do that. Doesn't make it right

[GTO]

I still have withdrawl insomnia so I thought I would add a little more to this in the early a.m.

I was faithfully attending meetings before my relapse, 4 per week and my wife wanted to go to the racetrack with our car one night so I took a break from one of those weekly meetings. Bad night since I blew the transmission. When my sponsor called me, I told him what happened and the response was karma for not attending the meeting. I'm a little unclear how a $2,000 race transmission = missing a meeting. That instantly threw up a flag.

I told him I wasn't really religious and he constantly sold me on god, to the point of bringing me up from the church basement, bringing me into the church itself (no idea what demonination it was), getting down on my knees and repeating a prayer.

After speaking with people in and out of AA, I'm now convinced it's a power/authority thing and it's out of line. This is my life, not his and he's gone.

After being told my transmission blew from me not attending a meeting, I almost wanted to drink again! I have a very bad taste from this experience.

Sorry for the rant....

Roy

[psyk0]

Originally Posted by GTO

When my sponsor called me, I told him what happened and the response was karma for not attending the meeting.

okay..... sorry for speaking so bluntly but this guy is a total a-hole and a danger to your sobriety...

Originally Posted by GTO

I told him I wasn't really religious and he constantly sold me on god, to the point of bringing me up from the church basement, bringing me into the church itself (no idea what demonination it was), getting down on my knees and repeating a prayer.

there you have it...
I phoned the AA hotline once and had some guy going on at me about Jesus and hellfire and everything. I was really ticked off about the whole thing and thought that that was what AA is about.
Sadly most religious fanatics in AA can't seperate the two and don't see the need to do so...

Originally Posted by GTO

After speaking with people in and out of AA, I'm now convinced it's a power/authority thing and it's out of line. This is my life, not his and he's gone.

Too right and well done. This definitely sounds like some nutjob on a power trip, getting an ego-boost from telling newcomers what to do because he "knows".
Dangerous...
I also think that sometimes it's overemphasized in AA that you shouldn't rely on your own thinking (especially during the first months of sobriety).
But there is always plain common sense.

Very well done in seeing through this and making the decision of getting rid of him. Very sober of you

[Ago]

The Big Book also says, "Love and Tolerance of others is our code"

aint no love or tolerance in that man, try to find a guy who sounds like NavySteve, that's what Sobriety sounds like.

I have to admit I got my share of a$$chews when I was new by my grandsponsor (he got sober in the 1940's, I got to the rooms 16? nearly 17 years ago,) but they were never pre-emptive, and quite frankly, they were always...hmmmm.....I won't say "deserved" but....oh hell, I was a moron, it was the only way to get through to me, I was "hip, slick and cool, better looking then you, smarter then you, and I knew everything and I wasn't afraid to tell you" when the truth of the matter is all the evidence pointed to the fact I didn't know wtf I was doing in Life..I'd share my vast wisdom in meetings at 30 days of sobriety....it was guys like me getting chewed out by guys like that that gave "permission" to idiots and bullies to repeat that behavior without understanding it, if that makes sense.

Kinda like, "I was yelled at so in order to be effective I must yell"

just keep coming back, find a different sponsor, someone who will take you through the steps and be gentle, and has enough "time" under his belt to have integrated the steps into his life, those guys are easy to spot, they are kind and gentle and have a knack of making observations that knock the air out of your lungs.