Does your sponsor talk to his/her sponsor for advice about your issues?

[digderidoo]

Being new to having a sponsor, i have worried about this. Things i tell my sponsor i would have thought should be in confidence.

I asked his advice today over an anger management issue with my son. Basically i was considering talking to my son about my own issues and how i deal with them now, i wanted a bit of advice on it. After talking to my sponsor about this he said he needed a bit of time to think, which was fine. About an hour later he phoned me saying that he mentioned it to his own sponsor, because he felt as though he needed another opinion.

Now his sponsor is a nice guy who i get on with. But in all honesty i do not feel comfortable with the idea that some things i tell my sponsor will be related to someone else, albeit his sponsor.

The issues i am having with my son is something that i want to really keep to myself at the moment. Although i may bring it out in a meeting at some point, i really want to do it in my time.

I wondered if this is usual that sponsors will speak to their sponsors about their sponsees?? It's just that i do not feel comfortable with it.

Paul

[Paulie]

I do it all the time. I have 100% trust in my sponsor as my sponsees have in me.

[Jfanagle]

digderidoo;

I too will discuss some issues that one of my sponsees may have if I am unsure about my own opinion. Remember that as a sponsor we are still just one person with one viewpoint, ours. If you have placed your faith in us, then even though it is a leap of faith, remember, we have placed our faith in our sponsor. If we have had this sponsor for any length of time, then we usually have good reasons to trust their judgement and the fact that they will treat any questions with respect for privacy.

In my case my sponsor is a member with 36 years of sobriety and that means 36 years of experience that I am passing on to you along with my 9 years as well. It isn't a perfect system, but it has been my experience that it works quite well. If you don't feel comfortable with this process perhaps you should sit down with your sponsor and discuss it. This whole process is a learning experience and one that is fluid and should always be one we are all participating in.

I hope this view is helpful. It is as always, only my opinion.

Good luck,

Jon

[Music]

Hi digd,
If you were my pigeon, and I couldn't trust my sponsor to keep a confidence about you, what gives you the idea I could trust him to keep a confidence about me?

I'm a recovered drunk, for some time now but that doesn't mean I have all the answers. Furthermore, I've pretty much kept my business of sponsoring people on the level of recovering from alcoholism. That's the only thing I know anything about. I'm not a family counselor, nor do I have a degree in child rearing. I reaised my kids out of the same handbook you use, which is entitled, "Flying by the seat of my pants." I have discussed kid problems with pigeons but my final suggestion is to get professional help.

[Tazman53]

Paul you may want to speak with your sponsor about this. I have spoken to my sponsor about different sponsee's I have, but only in a very general way not mentioning which sponsee I am speaking of..... how ever if there is no way for me to speak to my sponsor in a general way about a certain sponsee of mine I ask the sponsee if it is okay with him if I speak his problem over with my sponsor.

Now I feel it is wrong if a sponsor blabs about a sponsee to his sponsor without his sponsee knowing it. In my book the most important trust to be established in AA is the trust between a sponsee and a sponsor.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

My sponsor has asked me a time or two if it bothered me if she spoke to her sponsor about something I needed help with (see my old posts on someone's wife contacting me and the amends process). If it's something she can't wrap her head around, or if she's not clear on how to guide me, then I am all for her taking it to her sponsor.

My trust in my sponsor is complete and total. After she heard my 5th step, really, how could I not trust her?

[ananda]

My sponsor always asks me before sharing with her sponsor about me...or at least that is the goal..being human I expect it isn't always true.

I guess I expect that if she is struggling in her relationship to me she will seek her sponsors guidance.

That said....I chose my sponsor for a reason and did NOT choose her sponsor for a reason....I would never have had her sponsor as my sponsor and she knows that.

I have chosen not to participate in the linage of sponsorship deal in my sobriety today and am comfortable with that. I don't have put a lot of stock in my "stuff" not being known by others as I have a relationship with the people who share their ESH with me and they may have issues that our relationship brings to their lives that they then must seek ESH from others on. I feel that for the most part this has always been handled well and with respect by others.

[Latte]

My sponsor, her sponsor, and my sponsees meet once a month. We all know and trust one another. We all have some military experience and use it kind of like a chain of command. It works well for us. We all know the way things go in our group so no one is ever suprised.

[TTOSBT]

I love the answers here!

I actually like my sponsor talking to her sponsor about my issues. It makes me feel like I am getting more bang for my buck.

But seriously, I trust my sponsor and her sponsor completely but my sponsor always asks before she talk to her sponsor about me. I like your way of sharing in a general way Taz but right now I am my sponsor's only sponsee and I think that my grand sponsor might figure it out

Dig, I would share your concerns with your sponsor. Request that they talk to you before sharing ANYTHING you share with them, with anyone else.

[navysteve]

My sponsor always asks me before sharing with her sponsor about me...or at least that is the goal..being human I expect it isn't always true.

That is the critical element missing here. I wouldn't want my sponsor taking my conversations with him and just telling anyone ( I don't care if it is his sponsor!). Respect has to be there. Taking your confidential talks for granted needs to be addressed. I would talk to my sponsor and simply state that I would prefer to be asked if he needs or wants to discuss it with someone else. My sponsor would suggest I speak to someone else instead of just checking with another. That is more helpful. It allows me to get unfiltered experience, strength and hope

[RufusACanal]

I am only a recovered Alcoholic male who has a career in the Death Industry; what do I know? I can only give away what I have.

[sugErspun]

Funny - some people pretend to know the details of the initial conversation with your sponsor, even though you clearly state the details are not something you want to share with anyone. The way I see it - the details of what you shared are not what is important here, it is the relationship you have with your sponsor.

So, the topic is - you want to know if it's normal that a sponsor would share information that you share with him (let's say your 5th step, or you come asking advice on a certain ammend and they need to consult another - these things DO happen). My sponsor (lets call him Joe) asked me if I minded if he discussed things that we discussed with his sponsor (lets call him Harry)..simple as that. I said I didn't mind, because I want to be able to bring my difficulties AS a sponsor (when I have a sponsee) to Joe --- kind of moving it up the chain at times. Joe even gave me the phone number for Harry and told me to call Harry anytime I like (if Joe was not available, or if I wanted someone else to talk to..)


If I trust Joe, and Joe trusts Harry - It makes perfect sense that I trust Harry, it's kind of implied and my experience has confirmed that it is a perfectly safe situation.

[Paulie]

If I trust Joe, and Joe trusts Harry - It makes perfect sense that I trust Harry, it's kind of implied and my experience has confirmed that it is a perfectly safe situation.

yep

[bballdad]

I have no problem trusting my sponsor with anything I say.I call it going up the sponsorship chain.I tell sponsee`s,if you cannot get me,call my sponsor.
My sponsor has no sponsor,he prays,goes straight to the One Who Has All Power,and he encourages me to do the same.

[navysteve]

I am only a recovered Alcoholic male who has a career in the Death Industry; what do I know? I can only give away what I have.

I am real lost on this one Rufus.

It makes perfect sense that I trust Harry

I still think the sponsor should ask the sponsee if it is OK to speak of this to others. I believe in most cases it will be OK, and it lets the sponsee know that you respect them. There are many lessons for the sponsee in that.. Trust is built, it is not a given for many. It was surely not a given for me. If, early on, I thought my sponsor was repeating anything I said to him I would have been mortified and probably would have never trusted him (or anyone else) again!

[ananda]

what i don't get is just because i value my sponsor's esh and read on things, that doesn't mean i trust everyone she trusts....it seems to me that people are not duplicates of each other. I have an interest in what my brother has to say as he has known me a long time and has a similar background etc.....but i have NO interst in what his wife thinks even though my brother would trust an value her input. If I had to trust my sponsor's sponsor and my sponsors sponsors sponsor..etc. I would give up on the whole deal

[lizw]

I recall you were having issues with your sponsor a few weeks back about some unasked for advice he gave you. Did you sort this out with him?

Personally I'd take it as a sign that your sponsor isn't a 'know it all' and knows his own limits, which is a good thing. It actually shows he is not interested in 'playing God' in your life.

If I am going to talk to my sponsor about one of my sponsees, I generally ask them first, if they would mind, unless I am discussing resigning as their sponsor.

I do recall when I was a year sober and I felt my sponsor at the time was 'checking up on me'. I.e. asking my AA friends how I was as she hadn't heard from me etc... In hindsight, I wonder if my 'friends' enjoyed the drama of telling me and seeing my reaction, which wasn't 'OMG she really does care about me.' I'm a parinod alcoholic for godsake.

Last night I was reading Language of the Heart and there was this thing in there about gossip and Bill W wrote that we do (in AA) talk about each other a lot but it should never be in the spirit of being nasty/negative.

How you going on the steps with him?

[Paulie]

Last night I was reading Language of the Heart and there was this thing in there about gossip and Bill W wrote that we do (in AA) talk about each other a lot but it should never be in the spirit of being nasty/negative.

My sponsees know that I talk to my sponsor, I have told them that. And if I ask my sponsors advice on something regarding a sponsee, when I talk to the sponsee about it, I tell that what I am saying came from my sponsor.

Regarding trusting people she trusts. That comes easy to me. I could not compare that to my brothers wife or my sisters husband or the friend of a friend. IMO completely different relationships. But then I am sponsor pusher LMAO

[Music]

Things were different when I came to AA. My job was to call my sponsor every day and check in with my agenda, making sure I stayed sober, not worrying about who he might be talking to. Either I trust my sponsor or I don't. I don't ask my pigeons for their permission to say anything. That's not being arrogant! They trust me because I've never given them any reason not to.

[navysteve]

Things were different when I came to AA. My job was to call my sponsor every day and check in with my agenda, making sure I stayed sober, not worrying about who he might be talking to. Either I trust my sponsor or I don't. I don't ask my pigeons for their permission to say anything. That's not being arrogant! They trust me because I've never given them any reason not to.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but what is your point???

[Sugah]

Following the example my own sponsor set, I always ask a sponsee if she minds if I go to my sponsor about a specific issue. I have never taken anything a sponsee has fifth stepped with me to anyone else. To me, working on/through an issue and identifying the particular character defects isn't the same thing as a fifth step, and I might not have experience with that issue. Therefore, I may not have the E, S & H to offer.

Liz mentioned Language of the Heart. Page 125 in the Big Book addresses this as well. There's a clear directive that we shouldn't share something about someone else unless we know that they'd approve - which is easy to determine if we ask permission before hand.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[navysteve]

Liz mentioned Language of the Heart. Page 125 in the Big Book addresses this as well. There's a clear directive that we shouldn't share something about someone else unless we know that they'd approve - which is easy to determine if we ask permission before hand.

Which is why I don't understand the previous comment about things were different when I came in the rooms on a previous post. My sponsor got sober a very, very very long time ago. He would never talk to anyone about an issue I discussed with him without my permission. He has often suggested that I go talk to so and so about something, but has never come to me and said he took the liberty of talking about my problems with someone else. But he also knows he has open permission to discuss certain things with anyone. But we talked about that. I have been sober ahile myself and he still does not assume he has my permission based on his length of sobriety

[bballdad]

if I do go to my sponsor to ask about something from a sponsee,I do not name names.
My first sponsor told me,I do not have all the answers,but we`ll look in the book for it,and if we can`t find it,we`ll look elsewhere,we`ll find the answer

[PaulN]

I guess I never set any expectations on my sponsor when it came to confidence, other than when I took my 5th. At that time, confidence was a two way street.

I learn through the application of the steps and hearing the experience of others who've done it themselves.

There isn't anything I'd share today with him, that I'd fear him telling another. The only way it would hurt, is if he used it maliciously against me. To be quite honest, I don't allow myself to entertain that kind of thinking any more.

If he feels the need to share with another AA part of a discussion we had, I have no issue with that. If I did however, that wouldn't be his problem it would be mine.

[navysteve]

Maybe it is the strict Catholic upbringing of my childhood coming back to haunt me, but I still would expect to be asked. And I always ask my sponsees. I am no mind reader, so it is safe to ask permission to share a confidential conversation.