Shivering Denizens of a Mad Realm

[RufusACanal]

"For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it.note There was always one more attempt - and one more failure."

"The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did - then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!"

[nandm]

Rufus, this passage has always been special to me as it accurately describes where I was by the end of my drinking. It still sends shivers down my spine and many emotions to the surface to read it. It so well puts into words how I felt. Thank you for again posting a great passage.

Some thoughts on this passage:

We are not anti-alcohol, anti-drinking, or anti-anything. People who are able to control their drinking have no need to abstain. We do not concern ourselves whatsoever with anyone else's decision to drink or not.

One old timer said that "Once we are pickled, we can never be cucumbers again." The truth of this statement has been borne out in the vast experience of A.A. members. Once we lose our ability to control our drinking, it is gone forever.

We experience terror that we are out of control, bewilderment that despite our firm resolve we have gotten drunk again, frustration that our willpower can not bring about the life that we desire, and despair that we will ever rise out of the mire into which we are sinking.

[Pinkcuda]

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker.

Pg 8 Bills Story;
"Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of the first drink and on Armistice Day 1934 I was off again. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn"!

(shivering= Bills trembling) (The Vapor thickened ever becoming blacker= How dark it is before the dawn) This was towards the end of Bills drinking days and a new dawn was aproaching. (Pg 8 and a parallel on Pg 151= Twilight zone Music) The book is full of these parallels. Sometimes it sends a chill up my spine. Some of these parallels are so blatant and deliberate I have no choice but to believe in Divine Intervention as discussed earlier.

All quotes are from The AA Big Book First Edition.

[Tazman53]

I can sure appreciate that, my last 5 years were mainly spent drinking alone in my garage, occasionally the horsemen would visit me.

[Dean62]

then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Five Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair, Dean62

The sense of impending doom was so overwhelming for me death sounded peaceful at the gates of insanity. It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't been there.

"He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

The scary thing was when this started becoming a "normal" accepted part of everyday life.