Step 4 Question

[cmhcali]

So I started my writing a bit ago. I have 92 days sober. The thing is since when I first started writing I felt at peace. Like I knew I was on the right path and that there was an answer.

Now I am writing my resentments and I have been an emotional mess. I get very easily irrated and snappy. I am depressed and isolating. Is this normal. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings. I just want the pain to go away and I know I am dealing with a lot of emotions from my past. But I need to see if it is normal.

I am putting my feelings onto I miss my ex and sent him a text this morning when the reality is, I do not know why I feel this way

I am going to talk to my sponsor about it tonight. I know she will say that everyone is different and that I am on the right path and doing what I need to do and that is all that matters, but I need to know that these feelings are ok and that I am ok.

Anyone want to share?

[Jfanagle]

It has been some time since I did my 4TH, but I have listened to several 5TH steps over the years. It is house cleaning. I don't know about your cleaning, but while I am in the middle of the cleaning I am in disarray, but I feel great when it is done!

When I advise my sponsees on the 4TH resentment portion, I suggest that they look for their part in those events and if we do that it seems to make the resentments less a project of finger pointing and more a process of understanding.

Just my experience.

Jon

[Music]

Originally Posted by cmhcali

I am going to talk to my sponsor about it tonight. I know she will say that everyone is different and that I am on the right path and doing what I need to do and that is all that matters, but I need to know that these feelings are ok and that I am ok.

Listen to your sponsor. Of course you're digging up old feelings, which is what "cleaning up the wreckage of the past" is all about. Just know you're on the right track, and when all is said and done, you'll be better off for your efforts. Sobriety is the goal here. With sobriety there are answeres and solutions to all problems. Just don't leave God out. Bring Him closer to you than ever and have the faith that your work will be rewarded.

[Pinkcuda]

Are you using the 3 column method and if so are you disregarding column 2-3 while you are doing the first column.
This method keeps us focused. We do not concern ourselves with the cause and affects until the first column is complete. It keeps us from drifting in and out of focus.

[RufusACanal]

As I wrote my last Fourth Step inventory, I realized that through the teachings of other members, that my soul was sick. Resentments and self-pity propelled me through life and the light of the Spirit rarely reached me. Until I was ready to pray for others who I resented the way I prayed for myself, I would remain sick in spirit. God is not an errand boy and when I start each new contact with Him, I ask for the joy, hope and love for those with whom I disagree with in life by His will not mine. It works if I am first willing, diligent and sincere. Self-righteous indignation will only damage my soul and return me to the pain of the past.

[gravity]

I did my step 4 last spring (at about 3 months sober). I did find it somewhat uncomfortable but more revealing than anything else. For years I was walking around under this huge black cloud and I didn’t know where all of the negativity & anxiety was coming from. The further I got into my step 4, the clearer things became. My part, my behavior, my character defects. It was like I finally knew what I had to do, the internal changes that were required.

Discussing my inventory with another human being was huge in terms of putting things in their proper perspective (I was blowing things out of proportion) and accepting that I am not a bad person.

I did my steps 5-7 shortly after completing my step 4 and the change was incredible -everything in perspective, accepting who I am, not feeling alone, peace.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Yes. I went through much pain while doing my 4th. Alot of it had to do with rehashing the past, grieving, and actually seeing in black and white the journey of the person I had become while active.

Keep going. Cause at the end of it, I was able to see who I wanted to be, and have concrete ways to achieve that.

All the pain will be removed from you soon. Promise.

Big hugs,

Karen

[ananda]

I wigged out for a while when I was almost done with my 4th step. It concerned my sponsor and she had me go a head and stay up late on night and finish it...did the 5th 2 days later.

I was seeing new things about me in the my part section that put a whole new spin on my life....seems natural that I was caught off balance and flaking out to me.

I just worked with my sponsor to really keep in mind the end result which was learning and having a new life. And speeding up a little helped as well as I had been "on the 4th" for almost a month and I wouldn't ever recommend that to a sponsee after my expereince with it.

Since you are where you are (and ive been there i think)..it helped me to keep a balance of remembering that I am a decent human being and that I did the best I could at the time.

[sugErspun]

I go through the same thing, particularly in the first 3 columns of the resentment inventory. Afterall - I am looking at all the wrongs that people have caused me and how they affected me, my focus is on things that I view as negative/hurtful.

Just keep writing - one column at a time.

[cmhcali]

Thanks everyone. I am trying to get my fourth step down fast. There is a lot to it. I am doing it as it is laid out in the big book with the help of a big book study sponsor.

I had to make list of people, institutions and principles all separate.

Now I am writing the resentments. I write the persons name at the top. Have the cause and effect and leave the next page blank for later. I have been writing my resentms for a week and half and have only 33 out of 214 done... I want to work hard and get this done. But it is going to take longer than a month. I am hoping not too much longer as I am making it a goal to write about at least 6 people a night. If small ones I can fit in more.

[lizw]

I've taken inventory a few times since I got sober and for me it has always followed a sort of pattern that when I start writing about my resentments I start to feel pretty uncomfortable and get like you describe then some how in the process of doing this, it sort of breaks (for want of a better phrase) and I begin to see how sick I have been and/or "how much I let this world and it's people dominate my life."

Sounds like you're doing great.
Keep it up.

[Tommyh]

last week a sponsee called me and asked the same question,he was feeling just like you are.
I felt the same in 1988 when I did my first 4th step too.

Like Music said,it`s hard to dig and sort thru all that stuff and not feel something.
It`s always darkest before the dawn!

[Tazman53]

What you are feeling I felt as well, I really had some issues in writing my 5th, difgging up old crap just seemed to either pi$$ me off or depress me.... what got me through it all was the following:

We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

These are the promises that follow the 5th step which can not be done without the 4th being complete, I would read these over and ask myself, do you want those? Well of course I did!!!!

Writing that 4th made my 5th one of the most freeing experiences in my life!!! When my 5th was done I felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, I felt more comfortable in my own skin then I ever had before.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by cmhcali

I know she will say that everyone is different and that I am on the right path and doing what I need to do and that is all that matters, but I need to know that these feelings are ok and that I am ok.

It is normal to feel some fear, guilt and shame when writing a 4th step. The goal is to get them onto paper where you can examine them honestly and objectively with your sponsor. It is only after your sponsor has seen them that they begin to look trivial and harmless.

The truth shall set you free but first it hurts like hell.

[Rob B]

I relate deeply with your current experience. I have done multiple 4th steps, the last one very recently. I went deeper into the 3rd and 4th columns than ever before. Looking at faulty beliefs systems, and what messages of ego driven selfishness are manifesting in my inner thought life and external conduct.

It is uncomfortable because we are literally dying the death of self in this process. I did multiple 5th steps and can say I have never been more free and closer to God than right now.

Discipline yourself to setting aside time everyday to writing. Each resentment is a block in your way of finding your true self. Keep posting on this forum, there is some excellent support and experience here for you to draw on. Keep seeking and put your faith in God. You are following through on your decision from step 3 by taking action. If you are like me, this will be the best thing you ever did, an experience not to be missed.

[lizw]

Originally Posted by Boleo

The truth shall set you free but first it hurts like hell.

and will p*** you off.

[Music]

Don't forget the fourth column in your inventory. Below is what should be in that fourth column. Many people skip over this part thinking they're finished but as you can see, it says "we placed our own faults before us in black and white" which means written down.

"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."

[lostnfound1961]

I have been sober for over two years and am just now doing my 4th step. I started AA on my two year birthday and so as far as getting to the list I think I am doing ok. I have however been going to counceling and went through a lot of the bad stuff there. I was prompted to stop drinking when my mom died and I had to start taking care of a disabled brother. There were other issues but that was the one thing that make me realize I had to stop. It is taking me forever to do this step because I seem to keep finding other things to do. Oh I must go clean this or go to the store or my husband is home and I want to spend time with him. I have well over 100 resentments listed and know I have missed a lot but I have come to a stop because I am afraid to face two of them. My mom and God. There is a lot of big stuff there because I grew up in an alcoholic home and a lot of real bad stuff happened.

Some years back I realized I needed to forgive my mom and did, but after she dies it was like the damn breaking and my sister and I could talk about all the secrets and other bad stuff that happened to us. I told my councelor a lot and that didn't seem to bother me but putting it down on paper in my 4th step is making me crazy. I feel so guilty it's not funny. Same thing with God. For so many years I begged for his help and it never seemed to be there, I remember being around 10 and begging for his help and asking him if he was even there. He was, It sure didn't seem like it back then but I know he was. Anyway..... Yes your feelings are normal and I'm glad you posted because I didn't think anyone would have as meny resentments as I do.
Hugs and keep up the good work!!
D

[PG1968]

cmhcali,
Yeah, when I did my 4th step I went into an emotional rollercoaster as well. I had so many resentments and just bringing that stuff up and writing it down made me even angrier! however, When I finished it and went over it with my sponsor I was so relieved. I felt purged... a weight was lifted abit. Good job so far...!!!

[Tazman53]

1. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted.

I was!

2. We can look the world in the eye.

I can.... What an awesome feeling!!!

3. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.

I can.

4. Our fears fall from us

That they did

5. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.

Yep!!! A beautiful warm and fuzzy!

6. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience.

So very true!

7. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.

This was when it was gone, the obsession was lifted!

8. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

Yes I became a part of the fellowship at that time and a part of the world as well!

8 beautiful promise that came true once I was done with the 4th & 5th, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from me, I was freer then I had been in many years!

[sugErspun]

Originally Posted by lostnfound1961

It is taking me forever to do this step because I seem to keep finding other things to do. Oh I must go clean this or go to the store or my husband is home and I want to spend time with him. I have well over 100 resentments listed and know I have missed a lot but I have come to a stop because I am afraid to face two of them. My mom and God. There is a lot of big stuff there because I grew up in an alcoholic home and a lot of real bad stuff happened.

This is called balking. The reasons are insignificant. Most alcoholics I know are pissed off at God and their mom.

I found it helpful to re-read page 62 through the instructions on listing the people, institutions and principles.."our troubles are of our OWN making". After the third step prayer - we launch on a course of vigorous action....

I don't know what format you are using for your fourth- but I did mine out of the book. 1st - make the grudge list, usually just names (institutions and principals). 2nd - why you are angry (resentful) with that item in the grudge list. 3rd - How it affected you. 4th - well, Music covered that very well.

My intention is not to be critical - rather, maybe if you take 1 piece at a time (just write down, Mom and God) - you can get through this, at least that is the decision you made at the third step.

[collinsmi]

When I began to write about my resentments (first 3 columns) I relived them, and got self righteous and irritable. That changed when I got to the 4th column. That's where I started to learn.

[espresso]

Originally Posted by cmhcali

Thanks everyone. I am trying to get my fourth step down fast.

Hi there,
It's great you are getting on with your step 4. So many people procrastinate or give up. Remember though, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". Don't be in too much of a rush.

Step 4 can bring up a lot of painful memories and make us feel uncomfortable. It's only temporary and part of our progress in our recovery. Good Luck!!